topic Falling back in love when love is gone? in Relationship and family issues

Falling back in love when love is gone?

Guest_598 — Sat, 30 Nov 2019 20:15:32 GMT

Hi All,

when someone

has fallen out of love with a person,
has moved out a year ago,
says the trust and attraction are gone,
wants to move on but feels obligated to do the right thing (i.e. giving the old partner a chance to talk through all issues),
told their old partner they wouldn't date or marry them given the person they are today, and
there is another person they have feelings for,

is it likely that the love for the old partner comes back when they spend a few (2-3) weeks with together? Or is this likely the end and the meeting serves more the purpose of showing it's over and planning a clean separation?

Falling back in love when love is gone?

Guest_598 — Sat, 30 Nov 2019 20:17:23 GMT

Is there a high risk they would fall back in love in those 2-3 weeks?

Falling back in love when love is gone?

Betternow — Sun, 01 Dec 2019 01:31:31 GMT

Your question is very interesting and I doubt anybody could provide a yes or no answer with certainty.
Nevertheless, of the two alternatives you provide, I believe the latter is more likely.

I base my response on life experience. When a person is crystal clear and articulates a vision of life that doesn’t include a former partner, you should take them at their word.

It is possible that if they spend a few weeks in the former partners company they may feel a sentimental nostalgia for good times passed but this will only be a temporary emotion.

Thats all I can say but other posters may have more interesting responses.

Falling back in love when love is gone?

quirkywords — Sun, 01 Dec 2019 01:55:49 GMT

Aussiegal.

I have read a couple of your threads on this topic and I realise that you would like reassurance but it think it comes down to how much you trust this person.

I understand how important this is to have a guarantee that things.

In matters of the heart it is hard to guarantee outcomes but from what you have written in other posts, the two of you have a strong connection.

As betternow says everyone is different . I know people who have nothing to do with the ex once it is over and others invite the ex to family events, this is when children are involved.

I suppose is there a reason why he needs to move back into the house, rather than go to counselling together.

Quirky

Betternow, your response was very clear, all responses are valued by the poster.

Quirky

Falling back in love when love is gone?

White_Rose — Sun, 01 Dec 2019 01:58:54 GMT

Hello AussieGal

Good to hear from you again.

I'm not certain which partner you feel may fall in love again. Are you concerned that spending this time together may may rekindle your feelings or that your ex partner may have an ulterior motive in spending time with you, i.e. because he wants to make up.

I think anything is possible but it does depend on why your ex wants to reconnect for a short time. You would know him best and be able to decide if what he says is exactly what he means. If that is the case it would seem unlikely your romance would blossom again. wants to move on but feels obligated to do the right thing (i.e. giving the old partner a chance to talk through all issues),

What do you think will happen? Do you want to get together with him again? Do you think it would be valuable to spend this time with your ex? By that I mean do you want to know why you separated or how your personality worked or not with the ex? I have to say it's a bit of an odd request or suggestion. Did this come from you or the ex? I have to say I am as bewildered as you.

If you do not want to get together again it may be best to refuse the offer in order not to stir up old memories. It's bound to be an unsettling time and may last longer than the two-three weeks suggested. I have given you some questions to ask yourself. No need to answer them here. It's just a few pointers for you to consider.

Hope all goes well and please continue to post in here.

Mary

Falling back in love when love is gone?

Guest_598 — Sun, 01 Dec 2019 05:04:49 GMT

Hello Mary and All,

thank you so much.

Mary, I am actually scared because my partner still has unfinished business with his wife. He is the one that said all the above things, i.e. no love, trust, longing, feels obligation, no connection with her, etc. He and I have a very strong connection, mentally, emotionally and physically. But he feels guilty for moving out and leaving her a year ago, without having given her the chance to talk it out and to give her the understanding of why he left. So he did that and went to a few counselling sessions with her. But he keeps feeling that he is obliged to give her more opportunity to understand and see for herself that the relationship is over. For some reason, he cannot move on because he feels bad about telling her that it is over for good. She has been feeding his guilt and obligation as well and unfortunately, he is a soft heart who wants to keep everyone happy. He said he would like "the perfect separation", i.e. one where she understands that it is over and where she does not get angry at him (he did not separate because of me). But the perfect separation does not exist.

Now he will go and spend 2-3 weeks with her (staying at other friends though) because he says he needs to spend that time with her to be sure the connection is dead and to enable her to see that. I am terrified of him spending the time there. To me it is quite clear that he does not love her anymore and his friend says the same (he has seen them interact and has spoken a lot with him about all this). But although it seems pretty clear cut to me that when feelings of love are gone, they stay gone, I have this irrational fear that something might just come back. Although I honestly believe his heart and mind are with me more than anyone.

I am scared of that period and I dread the thought of spending 2-3 weeks by myself wondering every day what might be happening. So I guess I am looking for reassurance that, although everything can happen, it is fairly unlikely that love and trust just come back. She is a (currently sobre) alcoholic and his trust has been eroded because of that. She promises she can change but that is a typical action of someone who does not want to be left. He does not trust her that she will change but at the same time, he seems to need this time to be 1000% sure. It is frustrating and so incredibly scary. I don't know what to do to stay sane and positive over that time, especially as it is over Christmas and New Year's.

Falling back in love when love is gone?

quirkywords — Sun, 01 Dec 2019 05:12:00 GMT

AussieGal,

I am wondering do you have a friend who can stay for some of that time or could you go away. If you are not working can you do something that can distract you.

Will he keep in contact with you? I suppose if you trust him and he is just being kind to his ex and will hopefully get the closure he is seeking.

Take care

Quirky

Falling back in love when love is gone?

Guest_598 — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 04:13:25 GMT

Hi Quirky,

Thank you. Just to clarify, he is not moving back in

He's travelling interstate for 3 weeks, staying with his friends but planning to spend more time with his ex to get clarity. He said today that he has no clear thought and runs through all scenarios. He sees how amazing we are and that there are no feelings for her but then he thinks he wished he had our connection in his 13 6ear marriage. I think what it boils down to be is that he looks at that long-term commitment and he is struggling with the notion that that commitment did not work. For some reason, he is stuck there, I think the clarity he seeks will need to entail spending time with her to confirm that although he entered this marriage full of love and hope of a lifelong commitment, it turned out differently and the connection is broken.

I am just scared that he will not accept or realise that. He says the time away will have to provide clarity because he cannot go on like that and he knows I can't. I'm constantly terrified thst he will go back to her, not out of love but obligation and guilt for leaving her. But he also agrees with his psych that he cannot go back into the relationship he came out of. So I am not sure what it will take, I am hoping it will help when he spends time with her and realises the feelings are really gone and most of all, I believe he wants her to realise that. He said to me he wants "the perfect separation", i.e. one where she is not angry at him. I told him that perfection is not possible. I also told him that his wish to have a connection like ours in his marriage makes sense, however, the reality is that it does not exist otherwise he would not have left. However that there is no reason why he could not simply have it in a new relationship, as he is obviously having with me. I said maybe he should rather grab that opportunity and hold on to it instead of dreaming of something that is not.

I am worried and very confused by his up and down. I believe it stems from his own complete emotional instability and confusion but it's not healthy for me. I believe in us but he doesn't seem to trust his own thoughts and feelings, so how can I trust him? He is very clear about the lack of connection, love and trust for her but he never speaks in definitives. I will wait it out until he comes back but I wonder if I should just set him free to deal with his issues but he is the one who pulled me back to him and who doesn't want to lose me.

Falling back in love when love is gone?

quirkywords — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 06:19:12 GMT

Aussiegal thanks for clarifying the situation.

You say he is doubting himself and does not trust himself, but do you trust him?

You are in a difficult situation Nd only you know what you are prepared to cope with.

Without knowing either of you itbis hard to offer reassurance.

He seems an emotional person who wants closure but I wonder does he really understand the effect all of this is having on you.

3 weeks of delving into the past is a lot for both of you to deal with.

I suppose it is up to you to make a decision or decide to wait and see what happens on his return. Will he call or text every day or two

I am concerned how all this is taking a toll on your emotions.What do you think?

Quirky

Falling back in love when love is gone?

Guest_598 — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 10:33:10 GMT

Hi Quirky,

thank you so much, I really appreciate you taking the time. I told him that I will need at least occasional contact so that I do not go completely crazy. I understand he goes there for a purpose but three weeks without contact would not be feasible for me. I also told him that, if anything changes about his feelings for her or if he feels he needs to spend more time talking to her beyond the three weeks, he should please tell me immediately, not wait until he is back. I am not an avoidant type, I would rather have an early indication that things go unexpectedly and downhill rather than wait with a lot of hope just to be crushed.

I do trust that he is a good guy and that the reason he suffers so much (and is so indecisive) is because he does not want to hurt anyone. He also said to me today that he a) struggles to make the final decision and b) to live with it afterwards. I think the latter is why he struggles making the decision. He constantly gets worried that he might have regrets in six months. But at the same time he says he has no regrets so far, and it has already been one year. He still has no feelings for her but he feels he has not spent enough time to her to talk through everything and - I guess - give her the chance he believes she deserves to talk to him about the separation. His friend says that he feels a very strong duty to do the right thing by his ex, especially because she would be financially dependent as well. But I also believe that at the moment he is so confused, that he does not trust his lack of feelings. He constantly says that he needs to spend more time with her to make sure the feelings are really gone. And that he was once deeply in love with her and so he cannot understand / is angry that those feelings are all gone. In a way, I believe he struggles massively with the fact that the dream of the life-long marriage has not come to fruition. But I highly doubt that his feelings will be rekindled by spending time with her. His friend says he is quite cold to her, does not want to have physical contact, is harsh and does not want to engage with her on the phone. So I do not understand why he believes spending time with her would be useful, considering he does not seem to really want to. I believe he feels he owes it to her or the relationship but it is terrible for me. I will wait but after he comes back, he either feels sure about me or I will need to go to stay sane. But it is so hard for me to give up on us & him.

Falling back in love when love is gone?

smallwolf — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 21:53:33 GMT

Some of your post resonated with me - I saw myself in some of your words. You mentioned regret, trusting in his feelings, the life-long marriage. On marriage, that would depend on his upbringing and perhaps those around him. Then there is being able to manage the ups and downs. Maybe even ruminating what went wrong, what could have been handled differently etc. (Those last two bits are me and work, but relate to any type of relationship)

If you went back to someone for a period, what would you be looking for? At the same there is the other partner (which is really you) not really know what is going to happen as as you said "feeling terrible".

If I can use my work analogy for the last 2 bits - regrets etc. Some of that sounds like me living in the past. Wondering if I made the correct decisions. If I had of done something different where would I be now? The reality is that is just stuff that happened in the past. And at the time, a decision was made (if through indecision) and life went on. Even if something else had happened, a different decision, where he might now could be different again. Perhaps the indecision was actually the right thing at the time. This has sort of morphed into you and your partner. Point is, we just don't know. And I need to own decisions.

maybe in my ramblings of myself you might understand something of your partner. If you have any questions ... and I am listening to you, in the frustration of what you are going through.

Tim

Falling back in love when love is gone?

Guest_598 — Fri, 06 Dec 2019 09:54:59 GMT

Hi Tim,

thank you so much for taking the time and these are definitely not just ramblings. 🙂

I have a little more to add today because he saw a new psych and is really happy. It turns out that there was quite a bit of stuff in his childhood, e.g. mother not being very caring, father being subservient, mother treating the father harshly and demanding. So the psych said to him that he learned this as his known safety. As that was the only safety he knew, he went on to recreate that in his marriage because his ex fit into that, also not treating him very well, him becoming subservient and ultimately hating it. However, because this was the only safety setting he knows, he now feels that it is hard to move on because although that safety setting is not what he likes, it is scary and vulnerable to lose the safety net. So the psych said to him that he needs to work on creating safety for him alone - irrespective of which relationship he is in. That includes his difficulties to make an effort to create new friendships, because he always feels unsafe in those scenarios. Our relationship is totally different - I am by nature a person that loves caring and looking after people. So at the moment, he does not know how to handle that because he is not used to someone looking after him and really caring about his needs rather than just their own.

It was a big revelation and gave him a bit more clarity. He says, he may finally be able to make a decision now that he knows what is holding him back and that it is not the marriage or love. He still wants to spend more time with the ex to talk through all that but I am hoping that those conversations will not make him uncertain again. I am sure he does not have feelings of love for her anymore, just yesterday he said he gave her the hard truth again and told her that the love he had for her is gone. It broke her and he feels bad about that. I tried to comfort him in the fact that he does not need to feel bad for the truth and that he is doing the right thing to her by telling her nothing but the truth. But he feels bad and unfair anyway, so he says he has to give her the time of day and not be so harsh and distant while he sees her on his trip. I am scared that their conversations may bring back confusion and a desire to work things out but I simply cannot see this as probable. Especially not with me in the picture and he clearly loves having me in his life. Ah, this is so confusing but at least a little clearer today.

Falling back in love when love is gone?

smallwolf — Fri, 06 Dec 2019 12:27:54 GMT

Hi again,

Changing the way our minds think can be tricky when you are so used to it working in a particular way. Having clarity and knowing what is holding someone back can be helpful - it is for me, but not for everyone. If I can understand where some thought or behaviour comes from I can work out ways of dealing with it. There was one time when I also spoke to my psychologist about getting some sort of closure - in the same session though I realised that it would not accomplish anything, what was done is done and I cannot change that.

And if you are being assertive to another person when you are not used to it, it would feel normal to feel worse than usual. I don't think that anyone would like to be told the love is gone. In this situation you also need to remember he may have some of his father's subservient nature as well.

It would clearly be nice to know that he would come back to you, and in all probability he will based on how you ended your post. Is your concern in the timing of all of this? Would you rather the 'ex' not be in the picture? Your concern in this matter would be normal.

Have you been able to tell him about your concerns in terms of "I" statements? For myself, I have to do with my wife sometimes and I will start something like "there is something I need to say. I feel...." and/or "this might sound odd, and it is how my mind see things so please bear with me..." which can be much better than the alternative.

Speak to you later,

Tim

Falling back in love when love is gone?

White_Rose — Fri, 06 Dec 2019 14:00:32 GMT

Hello AussieGal

Thank you for clarifying the situation. I had not realised you were talking about your partner and his ex.

I think there is always some desire to return to the past where we have made a major decision and wonder if we should have made a different decision and would that have turned out better. The reality is we cannot recreate the past. Once done it's gone and we sometimes need to learn to live with that regret. There is no way of knowing what would have happened if we had turned left instead of right at the crossroad because has been made and any mistake is wrapped in the past.

I get the impression this is similar to what his psych is saying. We all have to live with regret and disappointment no matter how hard we try to change the past. The past has gone. In relation to what you are going through I must say I would be anxious. Not so much that he does not care about you or that his feelings may change, but that he may decide he needs to return to his wife. I feel this is your biggest concern.

If I may suggest, keep in contact with him by text or phone just to keep him aware that you have not left his life. I love that he has made a huge step forward in recognising you really care and do not want to dictate his life but want him back as an equal partner. That is a gift to both of you. Keep going.

Mary

Falling back in love when love is gone?

Guest_598 — Fri, 06 Dec 2019 22:53:15 GMT

Hello again,

thank you so much for your responses.

I just had another question based on Mary's last message. I do agree that my main worry is that he will go back but at the same time, my gut tells me that he is past the point of no return and just needs to show to himself that the feelings are lost for good and there is nothing else that could have been done. He is very clear with her on the lost feelings and I honestly doubt they will come back. Especially considering his trust issues with her.

So do you really believe this should be a big concern for me? Somehow, I cannot imagine that two weeks (which he will not all spend with her every day) would be sufficient to have conversations that really change something so fundamentally. I believe it would take a huge change to change his heart.

Falling back in love when love is gone?

White_Rose — Sat, 07 Dec 2019 01:20:34 GMT

Hello AussieGal

If your BF cares about you he will stay. I feel certain he will not get the idea he should stay with the ex in case she needs him or anything of that sort. You both have the relationship with each that you want, even if gets a bit sticky round the edges at times. This is normal in relationships especially at the start.

I left my husband nearly 20 years ago. My decision. I found it uncomfortable to be at the same family functions as him but although I missed one granddaughter's birthday party I did not stay away in general. We did talk, usually civilly, but I found this very hard for many years. I think your BF will feel very similar to this. I wanted to never see him again but this was impracticable so learned to tolerate the situation. I think neither of us would relish a reunion but we can talk. We have four children and eight grandchildren and I am not prepared to make their lives uncomfortable.

Not sure if your BF has children with his ex wife. If he does I can understand if he wants to see them but this need not be at his wife's home. I gather there are no children but it does change the situation if there are children. Once he has decided he has done the best he can to help his ex-wife I think you can start to set up your own home together. And build memories and happiness.

Try to be a bit patient. I know it's like like holding back the tide but remember it is only for a couple of weeks which will pass.

Not sure what else I can say to help you but very willing to continue chatting.

Mary

Falling back in love when love is gone?

Guest_598 — Sat, 07 Dec 2019 05:23:17 GMT

Thank you so much, Mary. That really helped and was very lovely. 🙂

Falling back in love when love is gone?

White_Rose — Fri, 13 Dec 2019 04:18:04 GMT

Hello AussieGal

I'm just dropping by to see how you are going. How do you feel? It's been a week since your BF was going to talk with his his ex. How is that going?

Remember you can continue to write in here as often as you wish to ask questions, vent, etc.

Mary

Falling back in love when love is gone?

Guest_598 — Fri, 13 Dec 2019 23:05:17 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thanks so much for checking in. My partner is actually not due to fly out until next weekend, then he'll be away for 2.5 weeks. I am terrified, although we have again had some beautiful times together and I am pretty sure his heart is with me and he knows what he wants. He told me yesterday that he told his psychologist that he has lived alone for a year now, has no love for his ex, no yearning and no desire to walk up to her with open arms saying "let's try it again". So I want to trust that and hope that the time spent with her will not rekindle anything. I actually don't think it will, he seems pretty set on his feelings and I think his mind has already fully separated from that marriage. With the exception of one bit and that is that he is scared of taking the final step and telling her there really is no more chance for them. He went to a nee psych the other day and they found out that the reason he feels something is holding him back from leaving her out of his life entirely is the feeling of fake safety. The psych says that he learned this bad kind of safety as a child through watching his parents and so he later tried to recreate or find it in his relationship. He hates it but because that is the image of safety he has known all his life, it is hard for him to let go. He knows he needs to take a real step of action during those 2.5 weeks because everyone, including him, is hurting. But I am worried he will not be courageous enough. He also knows that she has manipulated him a fair bit in the past, so I am scared she might try that again.

I know he wants out but he is scared of cutting the safety net although it's a kind of safety he doesn't want in his life. He's made great progress at the psych and is finally focusing much more on himself which helps him a lot. But I'm worried it's too late in the piece. And if he comes back from Brisbane and she is still part of our life with all the uncertainty around it, I will have to call it a day. Purely for my mental health. But I would be so heartbroken because I believe we could have an amazing future & we are both very aware of that great potential. He says he needs to do something while he's there because every day now he feels on the verge of a heart attack. But what if he lacks courage? I don't think this situation is bearable for him anymore, so do you think he may be able to muster the strength purely for self-preservation, to not lose me & because he'll have seen the feelings stay dead?

Falling back in love when love is gone?

White_Rose — Tue, 17 Dec 2019 10:25:41 GMT

Hello AussieGal

Sorry to take so long to reply. Unfortunately I have been unwell for a few days and needed to rest.

It is amazing how much strength we can find when it comes to the crunch. I spent a long time making up my mind to leave my husband and it was hard. I also depended on him to a large extent which complicated the whole thing. Eventually I was able to tell him I was leaving, find a new home and settle in. It was very hard but I got there even though at times I wasn't sure if I had the strength and courage. I do have some idea of your BF struggles and I also believe he will make it through because this is what he really wants.

He has you to support him and he knows that you love him and want to make a new life together. These things may not be obvious all the time. Other considerations get in the way but when he remembers these central facts it will help him to stay strong. And he will remember when the going gets a bit tough because he wants to be with you. No matter if the ex tries to manipulate him. Tell him to hold the future with you in his mind and he will get through this hard time. Sounds a bit trite I know but it's true. When you talk to him, text, email , voice etc. remind him you are waiting to welcome him home. Everyone needs a helping hand now and then and some reassurance we are doing the best we can. It will all be OK.

In many ways it is harder for you as you can do nothing, or little, to change the situation. Simply being available is an amazing help. Try to put your fears aside. I know it's hard but you also need to be strong. Try not to forecast the future or what actions you feel you may need to take. It only makes you more anxious and when the time comes to make decisions you can decide then. Borrowing trouble, so to speak, does nothing to help your peace of mind. Be as positive as you can.

Does this mean you will not be spending Christmas together? That's a pity. Christmas is a time to strengthen bonds so focus on that and tell yourself you can get through it. I have no doubt you have the ability.

Mary