topic Marriage breakdown with joint loans in Relationship and family issues

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Shyone — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 10:46:19 GMT

When your marriage feels like it is breaking down; how do you free yourself from the finanical straps that are holding you there? Basically I would like to seperate for a while from my husband, who is sleeping separately from me anyway - in a different thread - and I am not coping very well and would like to rent somewhere but because everything is either in my name or both I feel trapped.

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Rumples — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 11:25:54 GMT

Hi Shyone and welcome 🙂

I'm so sorry to hear your having problems with your marriage. It can be a emotionally and physically draining time. I've been down this myself and found I started to make headway once I sat down with a solicitor and gave them control of my situation. Have you considered this option? Perhaps the shock of a legal intervention maybe the jump start your marriage needs?

You can try talking to your accountant. If you don't have one, a good financial consultant, however, I fear they'll tell you that you'll need to involved the legal eagles at some stage in order to gain your financial independence.

Come back to me with your thoughts..

Looking forward to hearing from you

Rumples

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Busymum — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 13:04:38 GMT

This happened to me with the breakdown of my marriage. The first thing I did it collect as much information as I could. I phoned centrelink, I rang a helpline, I spoke to a solicitor and to charaties that offered help that I knew I'd need. Once I had the information I needed I felt better and less trapped. In relation to joint loans, call the bank - as them about each loan and who the responsibility falls on (i.e. both of you together, either of you) just so you know where you stand.

I understand how you feel - but there is help out there and once you realise where to get the help that you need you will feel more able to leave.

Virtual hug!

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Rumples — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 13:09:46 GMT

Great one Busymum, love your words.

I'm so happy things turned out alright for you in the end. Being a single parent is a daunting prospect for anyone, male or female. Been there, done that.

I always say, there's a silver lining to every dark cloud, you just need to know where to look.

Wishing you the very best for your future.

Rumples xo

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

geoff — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 18:24:33 GMT

Hello Shyone, I'm sorry that you have been put into a position like this, but when it happened to me, I went to Anglicare who could stop all those creditors that were owed money until an arrangement could be made to obtain a divorce and then sell the house.

Can I ask whether you are purchasing the house/flat or renting, because you may be able to get out of a rental property.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Betternow — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 21:43:36 GMT

Hi Shyone

You’ve been given some very sound advice by your responders, who have been in a similar situation to you. I too was in your position many years ago and I don’t have anything new to add, so I’ll just back up their advice.

Like Geoff, I also used Anglicare services. They were very cheap, kind and supportive. I still get teary remembering my first meeting. They deal with this kind of thing everyday. This would be my first port of call.

Your mind is full of doubts, confusion and fear. Right? Rumples suggested sitting down with a solicitor and I fully agree. That’s what I did and I immediately felt the weight lift slightly off my shoulders. Check the Law Society of your state and select one with solid Family Law experience or Anglicare may be able to guide you towards appropriate legal services.

Be guided by them, don’t do anything without their approval. There can be no half measures in marital separation, as painful as it is. It may seem like an extreme step but I found that in my case, half steps were an invitation for my spouse to muck me around, make me feel guilty and drag me back into my distressed state.

As Busymum has said, it’s all about preparation. Once you have set the proper foundation to make your move, your confusion and fear will subside a little. It will still be difficult with tears and arguments but don’t do it alone.

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Guest909 — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 22:01:00 GMT

If you are wanting to separate officially, go and get some legal advice from a lawyer. There are many lawyer's out there that will offer a free 30-60 minute first consultation with no strings attached.

The general legal advice is that the person remaining in the house takes on the financial responsibility for the house while separated; mortgage, rates, insurance etc... This is because the spouse that move out has to cover the cost of a rental. I'm not sure what happens with the two children; that is something you need to talk to the lawyer about. I would assume they remain a joint responsibility.

That being said, if your husband defaults on the mortgage while separated, the bank will come after you if your name is on the mortgage.

Rumples may be correct; the financial reality of a separation may just be the kick in the pants that your husband needs to address your issues.

I hope this helps.

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Shyone — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 22:11:43 GMT

Hi everyone,
Thank you for all for the great advice.
I didn't want to go down the road of a solicitor just yet. I just want out, to be alone at the moment to see if I could clear things up in my head to what I actually want to do.
As hard as this is, I wanted to leave the kids with him in the house but financially I know he can't afford it without my wage.
He has his time away to think but I am always left with the kids and I also need space to think. I suppose I am wanting a miracle of an easy solution - and that's not gonna happen.
Thanks again

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Rumples — Sun, 19 Apr 2020 03:50:06 GMT

Hi Shyone and thank you for coming back to us.

OK, now that the legal option is off the table. Have you got a close friend, family, church member (if you're religious) you can sit down with and discuss this? I know it might feel a bit embarrassing (been there), however, quite often an outside perspective sees clearer than you in the middle of it all. If you have a good relationship with your GP, talk to them as they can help.

The first thing I think you need to decide is - "am I working towards saving or ending this marriage". Once you've identified the end result you're looking to achieve, you now have a starting and ending point to work with. Unless you know your final destination, it's a bit hard to plan on how to get there. If that makes sense.

I'd encourage you to keep coming back and chatting with us here in the forum. You've got everything to gain and nothing to lose by doing so.

Looking forward to hearing back from you

Your friend - Rumples xo

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Shyone — Sun, 19 Apr 2020 05:43:28 GMT

Hi Rumples,
No I have nobody to talk to. No family. No friends. No religion. Gp on maternity leave.
I want to save this marriage but there are times that I can't take anymore and want to leave, you know the good old emotional rollercoaster.
I switch from anger to sadness to loving. He sees the only difference to our lives at the moment is that we are sleeping separately - his words "everything else is the same". I still wash, cook, clean, make coffee, stay with the boys while he takes a drive "to clear his head"

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Rumples — Sun, 19 Apr 2020 07:08:44 GMT

Hi Shyone,

Thanks so much for replying. I'm so sorry to hear you have no one to turn to,Having someone to talk to outside of this situation can often be very helpful, so now you have US! and we're here for you. Please don't think you're alone in this because you're not. You've got a small army behind you now.

"I want to save this marriage but there are times that I can't take anymore and want to leave"

OK, we've concluded you want to make it work, that's GREAT! At least you know what your end game is. You're half way home :0). Now, when you say there's times that you can't take any more and want to leave, can you give an example so we can get a better picture of the triggers that make you feel this way?

"I switch from anger to sadness to loving"

So, you still love your husband, that's a good thing. We're assuming that he still loves you? Also, have you thought of any possible medical or change of life conditions that may be contributing to your mood swings? Could this be a menopause thing? Have you considered this?

"He sees the only difference to our lives at the moment is that we are sleeping separately - his words "everything else is the same".

It sounds like he's right Shyone, from what your saying, the only thing that has changed is your sleeping arrangements. There's a saying "change, brings about change. If nothing nothing changes, then nothing changes". I suspect you're in this loop where you're expecting change, but aren't introducing change to bring it about. Another great saying comes to mind that may help you "if you're not happy with what you're getting, stop doing what you're doing, because there's more of it coming".

I still wash, cook, clean, make coffee, stay with the boys while he takes a drive "to clear his head"

When you say he takes drives to "clear his head", how long are we talking about? The whole day? Overnight? Weekends?

I truly believe that if you keep these lines of communication open, together, we can work this out.

Back to you my friend

Rumples (here's a BIG hug to keep you going) xo

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Shyone — Sun, 19 Apr 2020 10:44:07 GMT

Hi Rumples,
Sorry, on another lost I have - Confused and alone, it explains somewhat.
Yes I want to save our marriage. My triggers are when he wont talk to me, when he can't be in the same room as me, when he can't walk with me (it's like social distancing as we walk), when he takes off after getting a message and won't say where he is off too.
In short my husband doesn't know if he loves me anymore. He tells me he is empty inside. I think he also suffers from depression but won't talk about it or see anyone about it.
I switch moods depending on how he treats me, nothing else. I feel outed and I don't cope with it very well.
I am negative, insecure, clingy, try to hard to please, try to make everyone happy, don't have any self worth/self esteem just to name a few.
In my eyes alot has changed. He doesn't message/call me. He doesn't tell me he loves me. He doesn't loss me. He doesn't hold my hand. He doesn't share/talk about things anymore. He is secretive about messages. He is shutting the door on rooms. He is leaving for the van by 8pm saying he is going to bed.
It seems it is getting less each time that he goes, last time was only for about an hour. But if I cried it would be longer because he can't handle me crying.
Tonight as he left he kissed me but wouldn't tell me he loves me. Tomorrow night i probably won't get anything. I am so confused. I don't want to give up but it has been about 4-5 weeks now and I don't know how much longer I will last.

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Sophie_M — Sun, 19 Apr 2020 11:30:27 GMT

Hi Shyone,

Thanks for reaching out to the community tonight. We're so sorry to hear that things aren't improving and that you're not feeling good about yourself. We can hear that you're in a lot of pain and we want you to know that you aren't alone in this, we are all here for you. We have sent you a private message to offer some additional support.

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Rumples — Sun, 19 Apr 2020 12:44:51 GMT

You certainly have a lot going on Shyone,

After reading your comments, I couldn't help ask, is it possible he has someone else he's seeing on the side? All the signs are there - text messages from people he won't say and then he leaves. Where's he going to and why? Closing doors so you can't hear telephone conversations. What's being said that a wife can't hear? Leaving home earlier and earlier. Where's he going and why? No physical contact. That doesn't make sense. It all adds up to someone else. Have you asked him if there's someone else? Surely he can't expect you to accept his behaviour as the norm and continue on like this. What do you think he'd do if the roles were reversed?

I truly think you need to start thinking about yourself as it doesn't appear your husband is. You have two options. 1. Bring this to a head and ask him outright is he seeing someone else. 2. Continue with the situation the way it is. It doesn't sound as though you've got much left in you, so option 2 doesn't sound feasible. Either way, this situation can't continue Shyone. It's unhealthy and will only make you sick in the long run.

Back to you sweety

Rumples xo

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Shyone — Sun, 19 Apr 2020 23:51:35 GMT

Hi,
I have already asked all of those questions. With my nsecurities, lack of selfworth and trust issues, these were the first things that came to mind. He tells me there is no one else. He is empty, doesn't know what he feels or thinks anymore. From my instincts someone has said something to him or something has happened and he is feeling pushing me away is protecting me, in his mind the easiest way.
I am starting to think that talking things over don't help as it is dragging me further down.
The thing is with him not wanting to talk about whatever it is that has got to him, you all are only getting my sights, feelings, thoughts and to understand the situation completely it takes all sides.

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Rumples — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 03:16:13 GMT

Yes I fully understand Shyone, there's always two sides to every story.

What do you think is going to be your next course of action. Forget what might happen down the road. What's your plan to move this situation in a positive direction?

Rumples xo

Marriage breakdown with joint loans

Busymum — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 12:26:15 GMT

Hi Shyone,

I've read through all the replies and it sounds like you want to save the marriage but not stay in the marriage the way it currently is? Perhaps ask yourself what parts of the marriage you currently enjoy, what are you wanting to save?

If you do decide to stay, put a plan in place to move forward together - i.e. going to couples counselling etc because its going to take some time and some work to move forward together.

If you decide to go - put a plan in place to move forward on your own - i.e the advice already given.

Remember - talking to Anglicare and other professionals that can help you does not mean that your marriage is over, it doesn't mean that you ARE going to do go through with leaving the marriage or staying. What it does is empower you a little bit and gives you a plan to move forward either way.

It sounds like you can't keep going day by day with this marriage how it currently is.

Thinking of you. We are here for you.