topic Not in a Happy Place in Relationship and family issues

Not in a Happy Place

Petals54 — Fri, 11 Oct 2019 10:00:47 GMT

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on this site, I will try to keep it brief and I do apologize if I do ramble.

I’m 54, about to turn 55 this month, I am married and been together with my husband for nearly 7 years. In 2012, I was diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety & Depression after a work place injury which required 2 hand surgeries. After the surgeries & counseling things were going well, I got married in 2014 , then it all went to crap.... I was diagnosed with Perimenopause and everything changed for me... my anxiety and depression started to creep back into my life and I also realized that my husband had the most paranoid/ Controlling/ ADHD/ extreme temper behaviors that the never really noticed before... So, here I am in a daily basis, not knowing what mood my husband will be in, whether he will fly off the handle over burnt toast, I ‘m feeling anxious even before I get out of bed, I feel stressed every single day and I put a fake smile on my face. We are together 24/7.... we have our own business, he doesn’t want me to get my own job, I have no friends....

I have been seriously thinking I want my old life back, I am so so tired of feeling anxious and stressed on a daily basis. I still love my husband but not enough to live like this, does that make sense? My husband has told me during arguments that if I am not happy I should pack up and leave, maybe I should, I just know I am not happy, I feel like I am living a lie and I feel lost.... I want my own space to do nothing, not be constantly on the go like i am now. I just don’t know what to do or where to start.

Thankyou for listening

take care

Jayne

Not in a Happy Place

Desedrata — Fri, 11 Oct 2019 11:42:05 GMT

Hi Jayne,

I think it would be a really good idea if you call the hotline at the top of the page. Where love is involved it is best to talk things through with a professional. They will help you help yourself in a non-biased way.

Big hug

Not in a Happy Place

Croix — Fri, 11 Oct 2019 12:49:35 GMT

Dear Jayne~

You have had some pretty horrible thngs happen to you. For the moment I would like to suggest that your relationship sounds most unhappy, with a controlling and threatening person.

Being discouraged from having your own job, and being isolated from friends is most probably a symptom of a particular type of abusive person.

May I suggest you talk to those who are very experienced in this area, 1800REPECT (1800 737 732). They can give you an outside view -perspective, and can realistically discuss your options. After all it may not be easy to follow your inclinations without your own source of funds, they may have suggestions.

With PTSD, anxiety and depression (things I'm familiar with, may I ask if you have a competent medical team to help you though? I simply kept getting worse until I did.

Is there anyone in your life to give you support -family perhaps? You sound very alone.

We are always here and understand

Croix

Not in a Happy Place

Petals54 — Fri, 11 Oct 2019 21:19:54 GMT

Hello Desedrata,

Thank You for your reply. I hadn’t thought about calling the hotline. It would have to be when I have time on my own as my husband would totally freak if he found I was telling strangers about our personal life.

Thank You again

Petals54 (Jayne)

Not in a Happy Place

Petals54 — Fri, 11 Oct 2019 21:41:54 GMT

Hello Croix,

Thank You for your reply. It’s a strange situation that I am in, although my husband isn’t fully controlling or abusive( ie I have money, I can go out etc) I’m not sure if what I am dealing with is abuse? He just has these paranoid, ADHD, Anger issues, which makes me anxious and stressed when he really does go off over trivial things. My PTSD was diagnosed back in 2012/13 and with counseling it seemed to be ok, with the Perimenopause it has unfortunately brought everything back as my hormones/ mindset is all over the shop.... My husband wants me all to himself I guess and he would rather I didn’t get a job, he would give me reasons not to go for a job such as “There would be a lot of sleaze bags working there” so I don’t bother trying. Unfortunately I do not have friends or family I can talk to, anyone I do get close to such as neighbors, he will find something wrong with them and talk behind their backs. He would go right off if he even knew I was in here talking to strangers about how i’m feeling. I certainly can’t talk to him about this, he assumes that I am over my PTSD, Depression and Anxiety, he wouldn’t understand why I am feeling this way.

I am going through every day with a smile plastered on my face, every day with my husband is the same, even on the weekend, same, same,same! I am screaming inside and feel that soon I will have a full on breakdown.

Thank You again for your reply

Petals54 (Jayne)

Not in a Happy Place

monkey_magic — Fri, 11 Oct 2019 22:56:25 GMT

Hi Petals54,

Welcome to the forums. I hope u don't mind me saying this but jealousy and control are characteristics of emotional abuse.

You sound very intelligent and that you'ld like to get your life back away from the way he is making u feel which isn't secure and happy.

I have been in a similar relationship, left, stayed friends-he was much better as a friend and moved and moved on.

It feels free-ing.

You deserve nothing less than respect and a partner you can be yourself with. This situations sounds depletive and exhausting.

Ive called 1800 respect and they were great.

I wish you all the best and we are always here to listen.

MMx

Not in a Happy Place

Desedrata — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 01:47:15 GMT

I know when I was in such a relationship I was not permitted to have a bath and he always wanted to shower with me. I had to tell him it was a practical shower and even then he'd try and join me. I'd have to make sure the water was virtually cold so, he wouldn't join me just so that I had that few moments to myself. If however you have a bath at your place and you can get some alone time in there, it is a good oppurtunity to call the hotline assuming you can't be heard from in that room in your home. Also, the pubilc toilets under the excuse of an upset stomache and that you might be a while. Might give you enough time to make the call.

Not in a Happy Place

Petals54 — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 06:09:34 GMT

Hi monkey _magic,

Thank you for your reply. I guess I hadn’t thought of it as being emotional abuse but it makes sense. No, it seems I cannot be myself where my husband is concerned, he picks on things I say or anxiety mannerisms that I have while we are out, he says it makes me a target to others...I keep telling him this is who I am, take it or leave it, he gets the upsets and says it up to you.... I feel like the can’t win, but also I have become a “yes” person where he is concerned. I do not want a confrontation and as such go along with whatever is happening at the time, including sex which I have to say with the Perimenopause is basically just going through the motions.....

I just want my old life back...

Thank you again and I will try the 1800 respect number.

petals54

Not in a Happy Place

monkey_magic — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 06:40:11 GMT

Hi Petals54,

The good news is with courage life is changeable and things can improve. I'm thinking without the partner or with couples therapy but that's not for me to determine.

You poor thing. It's a one way street in the bedroom. I feel he should be more supportive so you dont have to always be that yes person.

I remember chatting to someone on here that said the exact same thing. They had to be a certain way to avoid confrontation. There's a power imbalance there.

I will send you strength. It's a really hard situation that your faced with and I feel for you.

I hope you find some comfort here.

Remember you really do hold the power to make the changes you need to be happy. You are number one. It's your beautiful life.

MMx

Not in a Happy Place

Croix — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 13:56:46 GMT

Dear Jayne~

It is precisely becsue when in a poor relationship it is hard to realise that in fact it is poor -or abusive - that 1800REPECT is suggested. It does not mean you are planning on moving out or doing anything drastic, it simply allows you to find out what is happening (i.e. gain perspective).

If you do talk to them please do not give in to the temptations to excuse or mini-mise, please just sat it as it is -and how it makes you feel. Let them draw the conclusions.

What you do once you have the unvarnished facts is another matter. Being a 'yes' person, going his way for peace, being intimate when not feeling good about it are all things you need to have rectified, otherwise you can get to the stage of seriously de-valuing yourself.

As MM says, you need to be happy and fulfilled, not living in someone's shadow, it is your right.

Croix

Not in a Happy Place

Petals54 — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 00:33:45 GMT

Hello Croix,

Yes, absolutely agree, I do need to put everything in perspective and take it from there. It’s just a matter of getting time to myself to make the call. I guess the funny thing is I have been through this situation twice before and in a way was easier to deal with, I’m kind of angry at myself for not seeing the same signs sooner as they say sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees ( I think that’s right)

Although I do love my husband( maybe not as much as I used to) and I don’t regret marrying him, looking back now I think we should have stayed single as I think we were better on our own.

Thanks for you reply

Petals54

Not in a Happy Place

Petals54 — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 05:49:55 GMT

Hi MM,

Thank You for you reply and sending your strength my way, it means a lot. Yes, I agree that not only do I hold the power but if I want/ need change only I can achieve that, no one else can change my situation for me. As I mentioned to Croix, I have been in similar situations before, walked away with nothing after my first marriage and bounced back straight into a 7 relationship from hell with a mummy’s boy control freak... after which I was on my own for 6 years and met up with my old work mate, now my husband.... we should have stayed friends and stayed in our own.... hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it?!?!

my husband has also been married before and she left after 11years, basically because she wanted to do things with her life and she felt he was keeping her back....sounds like dejavu to me... He knows he stresses me out and he knows I deserve better but it just doesn’t happen, we laugh and joke and it’s all good until something happens and he goes off and we’re back to square one again....

This may sound strange but nothing here feels like it’s mine, he has the car ( I don’t drive) his business in hospital s name,tools etc... it has never felt like it was “Ours” no matter how many times he had told me it’s ours, it’s never felt like it...does that make sense? I have also been on the lounge for about a year as I cannot bear to be near him, mainly due to night sweats but just because you want my own space... how sad is that?

take care

Petals54

Not in a Happy Place

monkey_magic — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 21:43:42 GMT

Hi Petals54,

You've probably had a lot to think about in regards to where you stand with your husband and what to do.

I think some people are better suited as friends but if you did fall in love with him then naturally u take that next step.

Relationships then either thrive, stay together and work through things, or fall apart.

Its sad when you have to distance yourself from them because of differences but you can't be someone that you're not and need to stay true to yourself.

From my own experiences there's been men I've been both comfortable and uncomfortable with.

In your situation id want to distance myself too if I was being treated like that.

I hope this day treats you well, always here.

Not in a Happy Place

Petals54 — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 00:12:32 GMT

Hi MM,

Thanks for your reply. This whole situation is not only sad but surreal to say the least, we’re carrying on as normal, he’s making plans for “us “ to have a break from work but we’re still going to be spending the whole time together.... I mean seriously what???? We have known each other since 2003, worked together and we thought we were soulmates.... everything was good, we’ve had our arguments like other couples but it’s his moods, his temper, thinking the worst of people, thinking strangers are looking at him or me...thinking their all S***bags... it’s embarrassing.

I went on the 1800 Respect site yesterday, had a chat with a lovely girl about what was happening and yes, she agreed it’s definitely a domestic violence problem, she gave me some numbers to call, even a DV line to my bank accounts hat can help me as well.

I am starting to realize this is real but I am starting to breathe abit better, knowing I have support.

Thank You MM

hugs 🤗

Petals54

Not in a Happy Place

Petals54 — Sat, 02 Nov 2019 00:24:33 GMT

Hello everyone,

Things at home the same and this week was the worst, not only did our Staffy pass away on Monday but it was my birthday on Wednesday and couldn’t find one reason to to be happy about it for obvious reasons.Husband wants to buy me a new camera for my birthday , I really don’t want one and told him so but he’s taking me to buy one next week. On the day our Staffy died at home he was more concerned with the next door neighbor he hates so much and this paranoid adhd behavior has been going on all week. He tells people he is lucky to have me in his life who can put up with his many idiosyncratic behaviors but seriously one can only take so much before enough is enough.

petals54

Not in a Happy Place

quirkywords — Sat, 02 Nov 2019 00:56:27 GMT

Petals54

I have read your posts and the helpful posts from others.

I am sorry about your dog.

Has he ever tried to get any help for his behaviours.?

I sense you want to change things and move but it is hard to do. Can you financially move out ?

Would the people at RESPECT be able to help you with a plan. ?

I think we imagine and hope that when we get older things will be easier but sometimes they are more complicated.

You are not alone and we are here to listen and support.

Quirky

Not in a Happy Place

Petals54 — Sat, 02 Nov 2019 03:07:48 GMT

Hi Quirky,

Thankyou for your reply. Unfortunately no, he hasn’t sought any help from anyone in regards to his behavior, it’s the way he’s always been and not likely to change any time soon. He admits his behavior stresses me out, but “promised “ he wouldn’t go off at the neighbor as it was my birthday.... how thoughtful... not! I have recently lost 20kgs and even that I cannot have to myself, he insisted that he buy me skimpy bikinis to wear to the beach, much to my disdain. I want to enjoy my new weight in my own way without sexual overtones from him...

I have been in contact with RESPECT and they gave me some information and numbers to contact when I do leave, there is financial assistance there that I can access which is great. It’s just a matter of getting the courage to say I have had enough, maybe I am waiting for the right time, is there ever a right time?

thanks

Petals54

Not in a Happy Place

monkey_magic — Sat, 02 Nov 2019 03:18:18 GMT

Hi Petals54,

I'm really glad u rang 1800 respect they are great aren't they.

I think the right time is in your heart of hearts. Or in the fibres of your being. If everything within you is screaming at you to leave then it's time.

Ive left a lot of bad experiences with men. I've often listed the pros and cons and gone from there as well. Or intuitively id know its time or when its been the last straw.

I don't blame you for wanting to enjoy your weight loss without the sexual overtones.

Did u say it was your birthday - then Happy Birthday🎂

Not in a Happy Place

quirkywords — Sat, 02 Nov 2019 03:20:19 GMT

Petals

Thanks for your reply.

Is there any time as the right time? I suppose you have to feel comfortable and prepared and only you will know when that is.

When I was in a chaotic relationship, family and friends said you should leave but it wasn't simple as it was my house and he would not leave. He left about a year after I asked him to. It was stressful and people said throw his stuff on the the pavement , but this would inflame the situation.

I wanted to keep the peace and my mental health .

I am moved by your situation and hope you work out what suits you and in your own time.

Quirky

Not in a Happy Place

Petals54 — Sat, 02 Nov 2019 04:20:48 GMT

Hi MM,

Yes, it was my birthday on Wednesday 30th Oct, I ‘m 55 now and too old for this crap to be honest. The people at 1800 RESPECT were great and my details are with them to pick up where I left off once I do leave.

I guess I am still trying to be amicable and at some times still the yes person but also I am slowly at the screaming inside stage and becoming more quiet on the outside and not react to everything he says or does. I think he knows that something has to give soon although I doubt he’s thinking i’m going to keave