topic Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s in Relationship and family issues

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

Tonyl — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 07:06:16 GMT

Hi everyone,

we are all in strange times, leaves us questioning a lot about life. I have been married for 13 years now, together for 14, we are in our 40s now. we run a business together and have two kids 11,10 who we adore.

I am the one in the relationship keeping the spark going etc or at least try. A few years ago my wife pulled me aside and told me that I needed to put more effort in, which I do every day now. I am a gentleman, I wake up in the mornings with a smile on my face, I make an effort to look good etc. I buy her flowers treat her really well , tell her how beautiful she is , take her out for dinner when we can.

Ever since this happened my wife has done the opposite. She never tries, never makes a effort to dress up , never wants me in bed. I try to encourage her to wear lingerie , but she never does, it gets frustrating.

she is in her 40s I'm not sure if its just life doing the wind down of her hormones/sex drive. but she is not getting turned on. She wont talk about it, if I do bring it up and say anything she rolls her eyes or shuts me down.

On top of all this her mood swings are nasty at times. I have to remind myself that its not me its her and secretly tell the kids to just to give her space for a few days. I never argue or nit pick her wrong doings I forgive and forget. however I am the king target for her arguments over the smallest issues and always forced to be the fault of the issues for no reason.

i vowed to never give up and keep trying, however lately I fell like giving up all together. I started looking for a exit options for the future , even threw a few cloths in a bag in case things got too bad- god I hope I never get to that stage.

I lay there in tears late at night some nights (very manly of me) - I know a lot of what I said is classified as normal in relationships

what I want to know is what is the secret to keeping your marriage going long term?

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

white knight — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 09:49:44 GMT

Hi, welcome

Boy I feel for you. My experience with my ex wife came back reading your post.

You dont day if you’ve asked her for her reasons for being contemptuous and intimidating. Yes, from what you’ve written you are not doing anything wrong but this treatment from her will, if it continues, will result in more despair for you and likely a separation.

I won’t promote separation however good mental health is required so your children don’t suffer from a toxic home. As my dad once said “better for your kids to have a devoted living part time dad...than no dad at all.” So taking care of yourself is a priority.

FYI my ex wife would ceasectalking to me for up to 6 weeks at a time. For her it was my punishment. In fact it is a form of narcissism. Control was her goal.

So, there is the regular avenues for seeking help. Family counseling I’d recommend but if she does not want to go, go by yourself. If she asks what happened at counseling don’t reveal- she has opportunity to attend. If she asks why you are going you can tell her you are going to learn how to cope with her treatment of you. Leave it at that.

In terms of your kids, a school principle once told me “kids are more resilient than adults,” they would be hurt but they adapt.

I wish you well. Reply anytime

TonyWK

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

therising — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 12:33:20 GMT

Hi Tonyl

It's definitely tough when things are so out of balance in a relationship. By the way, you're a legend for putting effort in and trying to make a positive difference.

From the perspective of a 49yo female who's been married for 18 years, I'm trying to imagine what might be the issue for your wife. Is it possible she's frustrated with herself? Is it possible she's also a little confused in the way of understanding what it is she really wants, because not much really does it for her these days? If she's given flowers and appreciates them but doesn't feel excitement, the result is disappointment. If she's given a smile and it doesn't lift her spirits, she feels nothing. You're actually not doing anything wrong. Perhaps she's not feeling excitement she's desperate to feel. By the way, if she's dealing with the mindset of clinical depression, the chemistry for excitement may be a little low. Low levels of dopamine mean we just can't feel a payoff. Low levels of oxytocin (the love/bonding hormone) can lead us to feel pretty disconnected.

Another possibility is an identity crisis: We get to a point in life where we're fed up with who we see our self as. Problem is, who do we become when we've got little idea who we actually want to be? Some may look to the person closest to them; they might expect their spouse to help raise them to a new identity. If their spouse isn't raising them...cue the disappointment and resentment. I know, how the heck do we raise our partner when we've got no idea what they really want? What identity are we meant to be raising them to?

Personally, I find the most fulfilling identity is 'She/he who feels life'. I try to live a sensational life. I am someone who looks for ways to feel alive (get my cells vibing). A few examples: A massage is great but even greater is a massage with aromatherapy oils by candle light with calm music. With touch, smell, sound and sight being factors, the combination naturally slows breathing and relaxes the whole body. I really feel the sensation of each massage stroke and how my body reacts to it. Also, I love having my hair brushed. Who doesn't?! It's sensational and really is a bonding experience that connects you to the person brushing your hair.

Has your wife forgotten how to feel life? Is she looking for you to bring her to life?

It's also important you are served in sensational ways too! Experimenting with sensory and sensation based exercises could make for an interesting new routine.

🙂

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

PhoebeWings — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 22:50:09 GMT

Hi,

Married 36 years, through the toughest times to the most loving and supportive times.

TheRising made some really great points.

I remember my late 40s and 50s as a time of mood swings, although to be honest, I had one hell of a lot going on in my life of a deeply traumatic nature.

Can I just say this ....even though I would have been thought of as very attractive, great skin, hair and figure (back then!) - I was not in love with myself deep down.

I just remember that floating feeling, that even if my husband did nice things, he was going through the motions to make me happy, rather than because I ‘bewitched’ him with the gorgeousness of me!!

I didn’t ‘feel’ confidently gorgeous, no matter how the attractive the outside of me looked or was acknowledged - I think a woman needs to feel a certain glory within, to be fully desiring of intimate contact.

Your wife may just be very tired and weary of herself - passing through stages of life.

I mean looking back, a lot of unhealthy and confused emotion on my part ( and his) - but we can be complex creatures when life stages and hormones kick in.

Hope you can find a way through.

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

white knight — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 23:42:08 GMT

Just wanted to acknowledge the valuable comments from female members, quite a different perspective there.

Perhaps counseling can unravel her inner demons to bring out her love that is behind the barriers

TonyWK

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

Rex007 — Fri, 17 Apr 2020 04:14:57 GMT

Hi Tony
I totally understand where you are coming from but unfortunately I don't have the answers.....yet.
I am going through a very similar situation with our marriage of 17years. It's like I am putting in 110% to try and keep things together and she just doesn't care. I particularly relate to the hurtful remarks that she ssays and then moves on as if nothing had happened.
All I can say is that you can't control someone's feelings and it's a fine line sometimes as to how long you ride it out. Definitely seek counselling but at some point you have to look after yourself. Because if you are like me you will fall apart it you don't.
Another thing to remember that if you get a counselor don't like find another. I know theyre not easy to come by but it's a waste of time if you don't agree with their suggestions.
Take care.

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

white knight — Fri, 17 Apr 2020 07:39:31 GMT

Hi Tex,

yes it can be like that.

My first wife was contemptuous and used silence as a weapon. For 11 long years I struggled working 3 jobs and changing nappies more often than her- a stay at home mum.

But I had to endure her smirks, ignoring me if she felt like it and not talking for up to 6 weeks - my crime? Raising my voice because I was overworked from her laziness.

Rventually a suicide attempt woke me up, I left one week later, it broke the family. Eventually I remarried and am so happy.

You are right, some spouses give up trying, the reasons could be very unique to each relationship

TonyWK

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

Tonyl — Tue, 21 Apr 2020 01:41:36 GMT

thanks guys for the response.

it is refreshing to hear from a female prospective too.

she seems soo distracted these days, she says she did not sleep at night some times. I really cant put a finger on what is going on anymore. some days are good , some are bad. she spends a lot of time on her phone as well these days chatting to her friends, to the extent that the kids are asking her questions and she blocks it out.

when I get home I am always present, I switch off from work and the world and focus on what is in front of me. my wife seems like she cant do that - I do as much as I can around the home with out her knowing.

I will keep going, I am not giving up yet .

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

Betternow — Tue, 21 Apr 2020 02:25:10 GMT

Hello Tonyl

You sound like a good man. Your persistence in this situation is admirable. I’m sure thousands of women would love to have a husband doing all the thoughtful activities you bring into the marriage.

Unfortunately I can’t help seeing a couple of red flags in your latest post.

she seems soo distracted these days,

spends a lot of time on her phone as well these days

the kids are asking her questions and she blocks it out.

I really cant put a finger on what is going on

If she can find the energy and enthusiasm for her “friends” why can’t she find the energy for her husband and children?

Tonyl, is there a possibility that your wife could be putting her emotional energy into someone else outside the marriage? At least rule out the possibility, before you wear yourself out trying to be Australia’s best husband.

If this possibility can rules out

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

Betternow — Tue, 21 Apr 2020 02:27:45 GMT

Sorry ignore the “if this possibility can rules out” phrase. My mistake.

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

Tonyl — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 06:42:44 GMT

I do see the red flags , however I do not think she is cheating on me yet etc. we run a business together we are around each other all the time at work. I did scoop at her phone the other day the first time I have ever looked. There is nothing unless she deletes it.
I do see she does have bits of pent up anger toward me , and bitterness underneath. Little comments here and there I hear. I guess that is just wear and tear of any long term marriage . I guess with my wife she would snap at me make me feel terrible about stuff bring up the smallest stuff from years ago. Where with myself I say nothing about any issues that come along , her faults etc. I try to just forget it move on .
I live every day as it comes now. Try to make the most of every day.

today I woke up we exercise together with the kids , I was on a high I felt great , wrote a short message left it on her dresser just to let her know how much I appreciate her and love her. When i saw her she never said anything.

I guess I wear my heart on my sleeve . Hence why I keep trying. I don’t want my marriage to fail but it is fading away, I feel helpless sometimes. As a man you suck it up, wait for a quiet moment and then let the better get you and cry. I’m not giving up

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

Rex007 — Mon, 24 Aug 2020 12:03:31 GMT

Hi Tonyl
I know exactly how you feel. My wife of 17 years has been treating me the same way. She makes snide comments occasionally and says things that I'm sure is meant to get a reaction out of me. But I've learnt when to speak up and when to keep quiet. I wish I could say that she was hiding things from me but she isn't. She keeps all her friends in plain sight as if to make me jealous and relegates me to last place vehind them.
But this doesn't help you. I'm still working on an answer but my plan is this. I am going to start doing more things for me. I'm taking up a hobby that I've always wanted to do that gets me out of the house. I'll even take the kids out to spend time with them. I'm also doing more exercise so that I look good and feel great. And hopefully by doing all this and not reacting to her all the time you'll be happier. And with any luck she might just notice me and want to be a part of that. Because I love my family and the only other option is to break it up.
I can tell that you are a great guy and you need to do something that will make you happy. If nothing else it will something interesting to talk about.
I feel for you and wish you all the best.

Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

therising — Mon, 24 Aug 2020 21:21:18 GMT

Hi Tonyl

Have you ever sat down with your wife for the purpose of a deeply revealing discussion? Asking her to thoughtfully (not thoughtlessly) reveal the reasons for why she treats you the way she does might help shed some light on the way forward. Such a discussion can definitely be fearful, while we can fear that which we don't want to hear. Asking her what triggers her and why it triggers her will either give you answers or (if she's not even aware herself) will leave you with a response such as 'I don't know'. If the response is 'I don't know', she needs to seriously manage looking deeper, either on her own or with the help of some counseling. This could involve counseling for herself or some relationship counseling. Not knowing why she behaves this way is not fair on the both of you, especially you, seeing you're putting in so much effort and it's still causing you pain. You don't deserve to be looking forward to pain in your relationship. You deserve to be looking forward to answers and greater direction.

Now, being a female, I know some of the typical female responses to inquirey and one of them (I confess to using myself in the past) is 'I'm fine' or 'Everything's fine'. 'Fine', for me, is somewhere in between good and bad, which implies not entirely good. If a partner uses the word 'fine', it's best to insist 'Fine is not good enough. I insist we work on making things good or great'. Just my opinion.

Tony, if you're in a relationship venting your pain through tears, you deserve better. Consider venting through constructive words that challenge your wife to be constructive herself. At the moment, things sound more destructive than constructive. Personally, it's taken me years to construct a clear and fearless channel of communication with my husband of over 18 years. I suppose what led me to be fearless was the realisation that I was losing myself in favour of settling for less than what I deserved. Again, you deserve better. You deserve answers and positive direction. You deserve to maintain a happy self, with much to look forward to. The gradual loss of our natural happy self is indeed painful.

🙂