topic How do you rebuild? in Relationship and family issues

How do you rebuild?

MM888 — Tue, 28 Jul 2020 23:11:55 GMT

I have wanted a baby since I was a teenager. Life hasn’t gone that way. Bad choices in men, not falling pregnant during various relationships and I am now with a man who has had a vasectomy. He agreed a year ago to go on the IVF journey with me, we talked about me doing it alone or if he wanted to become the dad.. he chose the later.

he has an estranged 23 year old daughter and a lovely 20 year old son already. He is late 40’s, I am late 30’s so we have our challenges.

We knew that I was more excited about this, he had a few doubts but was on board. He was helping give me my injections, being as involved as he could.

We started our first round of stimulated IVF and I went to hospital to do my egg collection, he went to do his surgical sperm collection and he backed out last moment.

I was coming out of anaesthetic.. I was sitting in a room with our Dr telling me he doesn’t want to do this anymore. My heart broke.

He was sorry, I went crazy. Crying/begging/negotiating/crying/yelling/crying.

After all that we finally talked, talking about his fears and anxieties of it. Some of it was being a dad again, some of it was nerves about a large needle.

The specialist rooms wanted to know how we wanted to proceed, it seems insane but he wants to try again but I am petrified about this happening again.

I have been a gambling addict a long time ago, I know the power of your mind convincing you to do or not do things. I know he is conflicted ( he loves me but also scared) however I feel so hurt by this.

I feel broken and just wanted anyone insight if they have been through IVF before, if they have had their partner let them down at a critical moment and what happened.

Thank you for listening.

How do you rebuild?

white knight — Tue, 28 Jul 2020 23:24:36 GMT

Hi, welcome

So sorry to hear of your experience. I have little knowledge of IVF but I can imagine your shock at the time and the fallout later.

This is my view, if it helps. In the next few months he must be made fully aware of the consequences of his last minute decision. If you are convinced he is aware and remorseful then you should imo give him that benefit of the doubt.

People make errors, they might not be 100% committed and there is various reasons for that. It doesn’t mean they won’t embrace the baby once he/she arrives.

Such flexibility, after a period of the forgiveness process, is essential in any relationship. But it’s also your call to make.

I hope you find peace.

TonyWK

How do you rebuild?

Blake_S — Wed, 29 Jul 2020 23:39:24 GMT

Hi MM888,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, and thank you for having the strength and courage to post. It's not an easy step to reach out and post, but we are so glad you did.

I am so sorry to hear about your experience with IVF and that your partner let you down at the moment you needed him the most. I have the same view as white knight, and from the sounds of things your partner freaked out. I also do think it comes down to what you want, yes you're in a partnership, but you're the one who has to live your life. So, if you want a baby, then he should support you in the best way he can.

My good friend when through IVF, and had one hell of a journey. She has a medical condition which meant she couldn’t get pregnant naturally and even her chances with IVF were low, but it worked!! Now she has the cutest baby girl, who is unconditionally loved by her and her partner. Her pregnancy wasn't easy, but I remember her talking about the support and guidance she had along the way through the IVF team and how that was pivotal in her positive IVF experience. Not sure if this helps, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

How have you been feeling since you posted?

Hope to hear back from you,
Blake_S :)