topic Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies in Relationship and family issues

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

Stasia71 — Fri, 26 Jul 2019 11:46:43 GMT

I’ve been learning a lot about people who gaslight and have narcissistic tendencies. This is my husband 100% and today while listening to my audiobook Gaslighting, How to recognise manipulative and emotionally abusive people, I was almost in tears because he has been manipulating me for so many years (26 married years!) to the point I’ve been questioning my own sanity! I plan to leave him, I’ve decided that its going to happen, but in the meantime I’ve decided to educate myself on how to handle this behaviour so that he won’t be able to talk his way out of things anymore. I didn’t even realise that these behaviours even existed, and was always trying to make excuses for him or worse blame myself for his behaviour.....he has been so clever to turn any argument around so that I’m left feeling I’m to blame, or worse the kids are to blame, whether it’s true or not.....I have been living in this cloud of confusion, brainwashed in a way. I’m so thankful that I have found these resources so that I can empower myself to follow through with separation and divorce.

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

skybluecoast — Fri, 26 Jul 2019 12:00:03 GMT

Hey Stasia71

Good on you .

I had never heard this term before. It comes from a movie, I just read, about a man who keeps dimming the lights in his house then denying it. His wife thinks she is going crazy.

Can you share ( point form ) some of the main techniques to stop this kind of manipulation? I am interested.

Thanks for sharing Stasia71 Always good to find a new technique. Today I found out about 'Rolling with resistance'.

Sky

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

Guest_7403 — Sat, 27 Jul 2019 07:52:37 GMT

Google grey stoning amd covert narcissists.

Use the grey stone technique to nullify him

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

white knight — Sat, 27 Jul 2019 14:30:10 GMT

Welcome

Also google

Beyondblue topic narcissism

Beyondblue topic emotional blackmail likely BPD

And

Witch queen hermit waif

This is a fascinating topic. And good for you. Once freed Stacia you'll slowly recover and never alliw yourself to be trapped in anyones web.

TonyWK

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

Stasia71 — Sun, 28 Jul 2019 00:45:00 GMT

Thank you for the info, I will google those topics! ☺️

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

Stasia71 — Sun, 28 Jul 2019 00:47:25 GMT

Once i find out, I will post. The main recommendation was get out...and stay out....that’s what I plan to do, I will not play his game any longer. ☺️

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

Stasia71 — Sun, 28 Jul 2019 00:51:12 GMT

Thank you! I have just finished a book called “Will I Ever be Free of You?” It was really good. I am enjoying this new book I’m reading (actually, it’s on audible ☺️) listening to....I feel like I’ve been conned and conned so well that I’m sure once people find out I’m leaving him, they’ll be asking “why? He’s such a nice guy” 😕 I am so excited about being free of him. Even though I probably will struggle a bit at first, it will totally be worth it! ☺️

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

paddyanne — Tue, 06 Aug 2019 05:55:23 GMT

Hi Stasia71. Trying to exist in such a turbulent, exhausting relationship is something many of us took for granted as kids. My mum (she's passed) was extremely narcissistic but martyrish too. My ex is narc too but not as direct, so it took me longer to see him. I decided that instead of excusing him or arguing I would agree with him (but agreeing is one thing, actually following his direction is another). I discovered that by agreeing with him he had nowhere to go as far as abusing or belittling me. Narcissists believe that they are right 100%, agreeing with them stops them because they can't argue with someone who agrees. He would delight in continuing to tell me I was too stupid to listen to a simple statement. I started saying you're right, I am what you say. I would then question every statement he said. He always got angry at being put on the spot and he would sulk. I don't say that would work with everyone but questioning someone means they have to silence you by replying. They become so wrapped up in the importance of the wisdom that they're actually being asked something that the abuse is forgotten. Yes, they frequently continue insulting by talking down, but where the wisdom of the sufferer comes in to it's own, is when the sufferer pretends to listen, but mentally switches off. I frequently switch off when my ex begins his insults. He has no idea that I have switched off because he's so engrossed in his own importance that I cease to exist. The hardest part is stifling the laughter watching him. We're separated but he does visit now and then. I'm determined to be a person who would rather be amiable for a couple of hours. Someone taught me how to switch off and it's the most rewarding lesson. I mentally drift off to a t.v program or I hear songs in my head that I enjoy. I automatically nod or verbally agree (and hope I've done right). If I haven't, it doesn't matter because he will never notice.

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

SammiSam — Tue, 06 Aug 2019 10:09:11 GMT

Thank you Stasia71,

I've heard of gaslighting before but have never thought to look into it more. I've done some Googling and am deep into reading up on the topic.

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

paddyanne — Tue, 06 Aug 2019 11:13:37 GMT

Stasia. Most people questioned why I left my ex. Narc's are extremely clever at manipulating any situation and making it appear that all they care about is their families. Don't concern yourself about other people. Rejoice in your newfound life. I love being free to enjoy my life without fear of abuse or being belittled in public. He can't hurt you once you leave. As I mentioned in an earlier post, it took me about 7 months to get the courage to move things around in my flat. I could hear him telling me I shouldn't do this or that. He frequently told me I have no coordination. My answer now is: who cares. I couldn't do right for doing wrong. I do what I want and when I want it. I have settled down but it took me 7 months to free myself from the self imposed prison created initially by him.

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

white knight — Tue, 06 Aug 2019 12:29:42 GMT

Hi everyone

We look upon psychs among others as experts yet we undervalue our own knowledge with experience.

My first marriage from 1985-1996(2 daughters) was abusive. Silence, her chosen weapon twisted my mind and tore me apart. It resulted in my only suicide attempt.

I left but for 20 years I craved to know why. Why would a person that has a devoted husband, non drinker, non smoker, worked 3 jobs so she could be a stay home mum (her dream), did the washing, cut wood etc...what was the reason for punishing me by silence. Well.....

I read two years ago that silence if used as a weapon, is a form of narcissism.

I have my eldest daughter that is wonderful and came to live with me at 12yo. My youngest now 26yo remained with her mother but stopped visiting me at 14yo for unknown reason but influence from her mother was well known (demonization?)

My daughter would come into my life for a few weeks then oddly disappear. A routine was recognised.

May this year the same routine occurred. In a 10 day period we were messaging each other on Facebook (her only form of communication) with promises each way for a permanent relationship. Then- gone! I kept messaging-nothing!

My eldest stopped seeing her sister and mother at 18yo, 12 years ago labelling them both toxic and controlling. She was right.

The hardest thing I've ever done in my life was saving myself in 1996, walking away from my youngest daughter forever is a close second.

If I didnt have bipolar and was emotionally stronger I might have allowed it to continue, but I feel she has no real care in her heart, like her mother, no empathy and plays a fiddle upon my heart plucking my emotional strings.

Ive made my decision, I blocked her from facebook, a medium she used to perfection by blocking me many times (control). Her chances are spent.

What we should remind ourselves is that eventually narcissists lose out. Then they cry foul, cry they are the victim and sometimes continue to hurt you by gaining people on side like relatives and friends. Thats when you have to allow people to leave your life also. Some may return after they are bitten also. Forgive them, they are a fiddle also being played.

I once told my youngest "I cannot be a grandfather to your children until you are a daughter to me". In fact its worse than that now- I could never trust her trying to be a daughter as she could weaken and use her lust for control with hurt, hurt by silence...at any time-grandkids gone!

I've taken her power away.

TonyWK

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

paddyanne — Thu, 08 Aug 2019 02:16:35 GMT

Hi Tony. My ex frequently gave me the 'silent treatment'.. Like you, at first I did everything I could to show him I was sorry for this or that. We were visiting his parents one day and his elderly father admonished him for some misdemeanour (not sure what). I noticed he did go quiet, but not for long. He never explained anything about the admonishment, so I have no idea. His parents usually ignored his silence and eventually I realised he was sulking. I had no idea how to cope with a grown man who was sulking, so I started researching narc behaviour. He is the waif (feel sorry for me). He also has the King traits (I own, therefore I rule). Either way, question his decisions and the silent treatment began. After a while I too chose to ignore the behavior. Didn't work I was soon admonished for ignoring. I decided after 30 years of banging my head against a brick wall, no more. I left, he told everyone he couldn't understand how such a loving, caring man could lose a wife (for no apparent reason). I still shake my head in bewilderment. He can't hurt me anymore but I now know narcs have to be on top. No children (thankfully). I don't have any feelings either way about him. I never felt 'married' to him, so it's made no difference to me.

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

white knight — Thu, 08 Aug 2019 03:06:08 GMT

Hi Paddyanne

Yep, you got it correctly. The waif also manipulates others to get their reaction and support. eg my mother would cry to my father then dad would belt us. Dad was her greatest tool.

Then when you are free you can get on with life as best you can. You wont rid your life from the effects though, they linger like scars.

Please note- those with NPD or similar, we are not demonizing you as you are seeking help. We respect that and hope you find peace and treatment.

TonyWK

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

paddyanne — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 05:07:18 GMT

Hi Tony and all at BB. One thing about narc tendencies. I have noticed most of them have low or no self esteem and belittling those nearest and dearest seems to build their esteem. No matter whether they play the waif, king/queen, hermit, witch, the lack of self confidence seems to be the main problem for this need to be in control and manipulate those around them. The waif/hermit has to still control the situation, he/she will cry 'help' but won't actually help themselves. They will take all credit for success because the need for praise is tantamount. The king or queen can't be seen to allow anyone else to preside so they need the 'underdog'. Quite a sad characteristic. Most narcs never see themselves as anything but the victim.

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

white knight — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 07:21:27 GMT

Hi PA

You summed it up best. The victim all the time. I onve read that this begins at a young age often around 6-8yo.

In my mothers case she had an older brother that was favourite he was the boy and on a farm, had more of a planned future. Women them days ended up in another family without inheritance.

I sympathize with that but not the denial and lack of treatment

That sowed the seed of forever craving attention, poor me syndrome. At 35yo she kept reminding us kids she wont live long, she's now 88yo in good health I hear.

Her latest strategy is to engage a old neighbour to bisit my sister and I. We know he is her deputy. We entertain him and shrug off the comments but her lies leaves us shaking our heads. They belong in hollywood.

TonyWK

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

Anonanon — Thu, 09 Jul 2020 11:52:55 GMT

Reading your post and I feel like I'm reading about my own husband. My husband gaslights me, more so when he is drunk. He manipulates ppl and our children. He makes it look like it is always my fault. I cannot talk to anyone as everyone believes him and thinks he is a nice person. When he becomes sober, like the next day, he always denies what he's been like, says I must of caused him to be like that.

When I read the term gaslighting, i felt sense of relieve that I now know what has been happening to me for 10 plus years.

I'm tired of it all.

Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

Guest_3256 — Fri, 10 Jul 2020 01:40:58 GMT

Hi Stasia71.

I am really sorry to hear your frustration and it's good to hear that you have identified that your Husband has some bad behaviour. Sorry if I may be blunt, you have now realised that you have let him get away with his behaviour, so you are finally learning that he needs to take responsibility for his childish and inappropriate behaviour and you do not need to tolerate his actions anymore. However, if you don't mind me asking, since now that you have identified that you will no longer enable his behaviour, what are your next steps, have you thought about what will happen next without your husband who you should be happy and in love with? Is his behaviour really the only reason for you to leave him?

Before you make any drastic decisions about splitting your family, no two people are perfect, you both have a place in your relationship, it may be worth talking about your emotions and feels with a health professional.

🙂

Re: Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

ErinP — Wed, 21 Jun 2023 11:50:24 GMT

I am new here and learning so much already

I never knew of some of these terms, but after reading I realised I have a Gaslighting narcissist friend and they have been manipulating me and my partner and his wife and others for years. I’m so glad I am not going crazy and this type of person actually exists and hopefully we can all support each other to deal with them