topic My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's in Relationship and family issues

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

ConfusedNanxious — Tue, 26 Nov 2019 02:21:32 GMT

I am currently going through an anxiety episode, and what exacerbates things is that I have a lot of self doubt, and I feel that it comes from my inner values which conflict with my Mum's own values.

My mum is more of a realist and values independence over everything else. And I am more of a dreamer who values love and forgiveness as my core values.

Whenever I am confronted with a decision that requires me to follow my head and heart, I often get anxious because what I want can often conflict with my mum's ideal picture for me. The case in point is me contemplating reuniting with my ex (we separated due to the effects of his depression on our relationship, but he is now seeking treatment).

i even doubt whether some of my own thoughts are my own, or are influenced to a large degree by what my Mum wants.

I am not overly sure why I have become conditioned to act this way, it may be because my Mum has taken a more proactive (possibly overbearing) role in my life because she was (is) a child with 11 other siblings and she wants me to have the things that she never did.

I just want to be able to develop my own self confidence to be able to be comfortable in my own decisions, for my own life.

I initially thought the way I was feeling was my need to move out of the family home again, and just have my own physical independence (which would help to a certain degree because I wouldn't have her looking over my shoulder all the time), but her opinions and influence are really deep seated within my subconscious and it causes so much inner conflict.

Any similar stories, or advice? It would be greatly appreciated.

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

Croix — Tue, 26 Nov 2019 09:54:59 GMT

Dear ConfusedNanxious~

Welcome to the Forum, I can well understand why you posted, parental control - even well meaning - is hard to balance.

The ideal answer of course is to examine the merits of each view or instruction and see if you think it is good or bad, however this is not a straightforward thing to do.

You had the idea of moving out, which you have done before. And if that was practical (rent, transport etc etc) then it might not be a bad thing -at least for a while. Trying to sort out what are your thoughts, and those belonging to you mother is always going to be more difficult if you are right in the middle and being influenced all the time.

Mind you if she is practical and you are a dreamer it might not work that well, you will make mistakes. Not end of world, they will be your mistakes -from whch you will learn.

Everyone is influenced by good or bad if they are brought up by parents, that's normal and not a worry. Having an anxiety condition is a worry and needs attending to. Parent's convictions can easily be deep seated parts of our consciousness. If they have value, like honesty and care, they are an asset.

I found the only way to improve was though medical help -may I ask if you are under treatment? Without that my self esteem and ability to rely upon myself would simply have gotten worse.

I hope to talk with you some more

Croix

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

ConfusedNanxious — Wed, 27 Nov 2019 03:09:37 GMT

Hi Croix,

Whenever there has been a major life change, these anxiety episodes come up because there's a part of me that feels like I can't cope with any turmoil in life. But that is the anxiety talking as well, because I make it through these periods. My mind just needs to catch up with that fact.

And I think part of this response has it's roots in my Mum's constant need to check on what I'm thinking or try to help create a certain aspect of my life. And so when confronted with these changes, I anticipate her voice before she even says anything (which she inevitably does).

Often she will say things like I'm too dependent on my twin sister (in that I care for her too much, without considering myself), so when I am on my own I doubt my own ability to be comfortable with who I am absent someone to care for. She said the same thing about my ex.

I am seeing a psychologist to work through these issues and find my inner voice and the ability to rely on what I want for myself. I want to be able to trust my inner voice, and my ability to assess situations and get what I want/need out of them.

Thanks for getting back to me. I'd love to continue this chat.

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

Larnzi — Wed, 27 Nov 2019 05:51:57 GMT

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

You are certainly not alone is what I want you to know first & foremost & I hope this brings some sense if comfort to you knowing this.

I have a similar story & I particularly related to the "anticipaye her voice" comment - this is something that frustrates people in my life greatly when my first thought is "but my mum won't be happy about it" or "what's my mum going to say".

I guess I don't really have any advice for you as such as I also find it difficult to manage & navigate & am in no way living "my" life & have missed many opportunities because of self doubt, lack of confidence & an inner voice that tells me "I can't" or "what if this happens".

I am currently going through a big life change similar to you of wanting to move out, except for me this is the first time. I am finding it difficult making choices on my own (& behind me parents backs with help of friends) in relation to moving out.

Some of the things I have been doing that may help is research. I have been doing a lot of reading online about codependence & am reading a couple books by Melody Beattie on this topic. I find this makes me feel a sense of peace that I am not alone & feel hopeful that things can change.

Second because you have an awareness now that this is what you are doing, the power is in catching that thought of her voice before or after she speaks & counteracting it. So seeing her comments for what they really are - are they to make you doubt yourself, to criticise yourself, to guide you to ehat she wants for you etc. Tell yourself this. "She is only saying this to make me doubt the decision I have made". After a while these counteractions become a bit more natural & what may have upset you once, may not anymore.

I don't know if this helps at all but I really just wanted you to know that you are not alone and thank you for posting this on the forum.

Larnzi

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

ConfusedNanxious — Wed, 27 Nov 2019 06:18:27 GMT

Hi Larnzi

Thank you for your message.

I had to move back home because I separated from my partner. Long story short, the relationship wasn't healthy due to mental illness on his part, but we loved each other.

Now that my partner is working on himself, there is possibility of us reuniting (although slowly and carefully at first).

And although I separated from him after an immense amount of thought and consideration, the time it took me to do so was drawn out because I had to rifle through my thoughts and decide which ones were coming from me directly.

Throughout my entire relationship, my mum was on my case about finances as well. And my ex partner would always tell me to remove my mum's voice from my ear.

Now that we have separated and have ceased communication for a while, it has given me more clarity and I really do miss him. I know there are things we both need to work on, but I want to see him again. I know that in my heart.

But that would be completely against my Mum's wishes. No doubt about that. I did get hurt by everything with my ex, but I acknowledge that it was his depression and that no one really knows the small things that make up our relationship.

I always get so torn. I'm now living under my mum's roof, so navigating anything with my ex would be a challenge to keep private.

Just so confused.

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

gloria10 — Wed, 27 Nov 2019 07:15:46 GMT

Hi ConfusedNanxious.

I completely understand what you are going through and in time, things can get better.

Being the youngest in my family, I have always been told what to do and it became second nature to listen to my mum and dad and I rarely asked myself what I wanted. When I moved out and started to do things for myself it still took time and like you, still heard my parents voice.

You mentioned you are living at home while separated, are you able to find your own place? Maybe rent? It could help find your independence again and get some clarity, even if for a while.

Also, seeing a psychologist has helped me in my journey as well.

I hope things improve for you soon 🙂

Take care

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

ConfusedNanxious — Wed, 27 Nov 2019 11:11:00 GMT

Hi gloria10,

I would love to move out. That is my end goal because it would give me more freedom to navigate my life the way I want. I could see the people I want, and for a little while, have more privacy while I navigate my relationship with my ex. But money is an issue.

I'm so stressed under this roof. There is no true relaxation for me here.

I just want to love who I love. I want to try things out with my ex partner again and to act freely without having to look over my shoulder (so to speak).

I'm just getting tired because adhering to what my mum wants means less drama in the short term, but not what I want long term. My mind is just exhausted.

I am writing down all the problems I am facing and will bring them all up with my psychologist to try and work out with her. I need to get a stronger sense of self so that I am not torn apart when I make a decision that conflicts with what my mum would want.

Thank you for your message. I hope to read your reply soon.

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

Larnzi — Wed, 27 Nov 2019 11:24:54 GMT

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

Sounds to me that the space you have had apart has been a good thing for the possibility of your relationship. It has eabked you to gain some clarity (apart from your mums input) but it has also enabled your ex partner to work.on himself. What is so wonderful is that you see that the way your ex partner was when you were with him was as a result of depression & in that I see a very open, loving & understanding person who is seeing the bigger picture, not the narrower one, meaning you are already distinguishing your own thoughts from that of your mums.

From your mums point of view she probably thinks not being with him is in "your best interests" but she doesn't see that you are hurt also being apart from him & as you said no one knows what makes up your relationship except the two of you. Are you able to have conversations with your mum about the situation or does it end up in an argument?

To me your ex partner telling you to remove your mums inner voice from your ear is actually good advice. He is looking out for you & in turn helping you to develop your self worth as him being "out" of the picture (meaning separate from you & your mums relationship) probably helps him see things from a different point of view. Also different upbringings help this too. Though when you live in it daily as you are at the moment,it can be hard to remove that inner voice & do what is right for you. Could you try writing down your thoughts & what the inner voice or actual voice of your mum is saying & compare them? At your own judgement, which sounds more logical to the situation?

You mentioned about keeping things private would be difficult. I do totally understand that which is why I have misseed a lot of opportunities in life. Is there any way you could meet up with him to talk on your way home from work or when out on other errands that wouldn't arouse suspicion?

Larnzi

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

ConfusedNanxious — Wed, 27 Nov 2019 22:51:42 GMT

Hi Larnzi,

Your message has been most helpful. It has been very refreshing to have someone see things from my point of view and helps me feel comfortable in what I am feeling - in that it can be a natural response to the situation I am in. I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

These last few days have been difficult, as I have really been thinking about all the good times I have had in the past with my ex, and the dreams we had with and for each other. The fact that he is working on himself now makes everything seem so hopeful, because when we were good, we had an amazing life together and things were fun.

Just now, I feel restricted in my ability to love fully.

I acknowledge the need for my ex and I to have this complete time apart. It is giving both of us time to develop some much needed clarity, as well as help in my anxiety recovery whilst under my parent's roof.

But again, this is all contingent on my ex's ability to take action for himself during this time, and anything to start off with would be slow regardless. I must stick with my plan for the benefit of the long term, regardless of how emotional I am feeling right now.

I am just so tired of feeling all these emotions inside, that I cannot express comfortably at home. At least the psychologist is a place to vent and assess these things.

When I moved out of the home I shared with my ex, the emotions were high on both sides and my dad actually said he would never go to my wedding if I stayed with him. Regardless, time has a way of changing things, and hopefully, just as I need to see active changes in my ex, so too will my parents when the time comes. But I feel as we won't be starting off in a relationship straight away, I don't think I should really tell my parents anything because I need to navigate the start of this for myself.

I can't even confide in my sister, because of the possibility it will reach back to my mum and dad.

I just don't want to lose the goodness that reconciliation may bring. Because he truly felt like my soul mate. And when he feels good, he is an amazing individual.

We just need this time to settle the finance stuff with the house too. My short term goals have changed now in that I want my own place and to start off slow with him again.

How have you managed to juggle the privacy/secrecy divide with your parents? I just don't want any regrets in life.

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

Larnzi — Thu, 28 Nov 2019 05:45:16 GMT

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

You sound like you are starting to get some clarity on your emotions in saying that your short term goal would be for you both to be in your own houses when starting of a relationship again & that sounds like a great starting point. It sounds like a reconciliation may be a while off whilst both he and you get your own things sorted & that is a good idea as you want to both be at your best when trying again.
Is there the option in then to start focusing on your short term goal of moving out? Things like what do you need to be able to do that, looking at creating a budget to make it achievable etc. That also might help you gain perspective as to what you want in your life by starting to create a future.

How I've handled the privacy/secrecy stuff is just that, I have lied, which is actually hard for me because I am a bad liar. Even when I'm going to see my psychologist I have made up another appointment that I'm going to because I don't want her knowing where I'm going . Even if I am out with a guy friend I lie & say I'm going to see a female friend, then I don't have to put up with comments about that i don't have a boyfriend or my mum "seeing" a potential boyfriend in the fact I'm meeting up with a guy friend which then puts unnecessary pressure on me. I hide things a lot & I've often wondered how on earth I would hide a relationship because I want to enjoy the goodness & happiness for myself without that being tarnished. It would also be quite some time before even considering introducing them to my family as my family situation is not great.

I really have no advice on how to navigate the privacy aspect as I struggle with it myself. Sometimes my friends have helped me create a lie. It is hard when you are an adult but they still think they are entitled to know every aspect of your life. I guess if you have parents who are easy to talk too & emotionally available, it makes it somewhat easier to navigate. But when they're not it's like a mine field that you never know what will pop up.

Like you said maybe in time, & when the time is right, your parents will come to see things with your ex as you are starting to see them now. I do know someone who this happened to once & it all worked out & has done for many many many years. Don't lose your hope.

Alarna

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

ConfusedNanxious — Thu, 28 Nov 2019 23:30:37 GMT

Hi Larnzi,

Your posts have been most helpful. They definitely provide some food for thought.

I have been really missing my ex lately, and this has compounded my anxiety because I really want to see him again but would have to contend with my parents views and disapproval on the matter.

I have rung up Beyond Blue a number of times when I'm in these moments of crisis and have noticed that the thoughts about my parents and their influence on my decisions is what is really dominating my mind at the present moment.

Those who I have spoken to at Beyond Blue have helped me realise that my point of view and decisions are perfectly valid given the experiences I have been through and the values that lie at my core. My mum, in particular, sees things in black and white, whereas I see things in all the shades of grey that are out there.

I also had a psychologist appointment yesterday, and we covered much the same stuff. With the support of my psychologist, I will have my mum in attendance at my next session. I will be somewhat leading the session with the psychologist as a facilitator of the discussion between myself and my mum.

When speaking with the Beyond Blue support person, she said that this discussion with my mum will be beneficial and should help with making our relationship stronger. The earlier these issues between us are addressed, the better our relationship will be in the long run.

I am nervous about it, very nervous. But it is an option that allows me to voice my opinion (in a safe environment) with support from the psychologist. And it provides me the opportunity to really show how I am feeling inside. I know my mum loves me, and as the support person said on the phone, she will want me to be happy and therefore be somewhat accepting of my goals and dreams regardless.

That appointment is two weeks away. So between now and then, lots of self care. Doing things for me like spending time with my dog, going for walks and watching TV.

I start full time work on Monday - so hopefully that will be a welcome distraction and it will help keep my mind occupied. Plus it will help be set up some saving goals to achieve my own place. I hope I go okay with it, but the Christmas break is only just around the corner anyway.

The little story at the end of your last message gives me hope. Hopefully it all works out, but I am taking all the steps I can to make it that way anyway.

Thank you so much for continuing this chat. It has helped more than I can express.

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

Larnzi — Fri, 29 Nov 2019 11:42:22 GMT

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

You are most welcome.

That is so great to hear and a good idea. Sounds like a positive step & I think you definitely sound like you are feeling clearer & a lot more hopeful.

It would be normal to feel nervous but at least you know there is a third party on the room who knows your story & has your back & even though you are leading the session, I am sure they will be able to support what you are saying to your mum.

Beyond Blue is a great service & it's good that you have utilised that when needed. And you can always have it there. Your points of view are.most valid, it is your life & you know where you want to be & your heart lies.

I really hope it all goes well! You can always post on the thread if you need. You are taking all the right steps to achieve your goals & wishes & you should be proud of yourself.

Your self care sounds great. Dogs are always such a blessing to help you forget about things. They just love unconditionally & I am sure they can feel our emotions,when those eyes look at you & you feel the are reading you!

Good luck with the job on Monday too. It will definitely be a distraction & I am sure will also help you more towards your goals. Keep.strong with your hope!

Larnzi

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

ConfusedNanxious — Fri, 29 Nov 2019 23:21:53 GMT

Hi Larnzi,

Thanks for your last message.

Regardless of what happens in the meeting with the psychologist, I know it is a step I need to take. I need to explain my differing views and values to my mum and that should take a weight off my shoulders. I'll try to address the issue of my ex directly as well, and tell her how much I love him.

I spoke to another beyond blue counsellor yesterday and he was very insightful. My mum has raised me to be insightful and thoughtful enough to create my own values and live by them. She just needs to have that explained to her a bit more I think.

He also said that when someone doesn't understand me, I need to take the time to explain myself more clearly, and this is where the session with the psychologist will come in. I'll have the opportunity to talk to my mum in a safe forum.

I also explained to him how my mum's voice is my inner critic as well, and he taught me how to address those negative thoughts. For example, if my inner critic says 'you are a fool to still love your ex', I counter that with the truth I know and my lived experiences. So I say back to my inner critic, something like, 'that's incorrect because he has an inner goodness and there was a genuine relationship there'.

My psychologist is aware of the overlap of this inner critic and the anticipation of my Mum's disapproval. So it's about removing my mums voice from my subconscious, but I think a part of that will be to explain my views to her, so the 'external' voice is silenced and a bit more understanding as well.

How is your journey going?

Your support has truly been invaluable, so I want to offer you the same should you need it.

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

Larnzi — Sun, 01 Dec 2019 11:29:32 GMT

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

That is such great advice with the inner critic. Thanks for sharing it as that could.be something that could help me. The Beyond Blue counsellors are so wonderful. I have been wanting to call to have a chat about my situation but never seem to have the time.

I think your psychologist will be well prepared for your session & will be anticipating a lot of what you are already thinking will happen but it is good for you to know that they are there to support you towards your goals and wishes for your life.

Hopefully your mum will gain more undertsanding of your values & the role she had in raising you to be insightful & independent in your thinking after the session. And especially as she is agreeable to coming that is a really positive sign.

I am actually seeing my psychologist tomorrow. A couple months ago I blew my top with things I put up with in my life & from that my psychologist wants me to move out. This will be my first time & I will be living alone as I don't feel comfortable share housing so it's all a very scary prospect that I am finding it overwhleming. My psychologist wanted me out by Christmas but I had set my own goal of 6 months but she wasn't really happy with that.

I understand everyone in my life is a bit shocked at what my entire life has actually been & what I deal with between my parents (they don't get along at all & I have been dealing with their fights & things for 27 years since I was a young kid). But I don't feel prepared at all to move right now, I am someone who likes to have things in order before I do something, like working out if I can afford to, a budget etc.

My psychologist said if it gets too hard financially after 12 months then i can move back home but I don't agree with that or think it is the right way to look at it. I did look at a unit for rent last week but I got so confused what to do & it wasn't secure enough for a single female on my own so I didn't apply.

Anyway after weeks of research & reading I discovered what I think I may be dealing with is actually preoccupied attachment issues. When I read about it I felt like I finally had my answer as to what has always gone on with me as I could be really clingy, needy, & always looking for signs in any friendship in my life that they are going to abandon or leave me & I will be alone. It drives me nuts that tiny little things I read from conversations or inactions I can take as they are going to leave!

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

Guest_9043 — Sun, 01 Dec 2019 13:33:25 GMT

I do not have much to offer. I will only say this. Your mother may need to look at healing in herself what she did not receive as a child because she had eleven siblings. It can leave some deep wounds and she may not even be consciously aware she is projecting her unresolved scars and wounds onto you. It is akin to living the life she never had through you in order to fix her and it just does not work that way at all. It will only cause upset and resentment perhaps for both of you? I am sure your mum loves you and this is no justification at all for what is happening, it is all she knows though.

As a suggestion I would consider laying some boundaries down with her. You are an adult now and you can shape yourself however you wish without your mums permission. All the best to you.

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

ConfusedNanxious — Sun, 01 Dec 2019 21:52:55 GMT

Hi Larnzi,

I am feeling in a somewhat better place now that I have a plan in place with my mum. After all the discussions with Beyond Blue and my own psychologist, it is seeming like the inevitable next step.

I know that I have to remove her as my 'inner critic' still and that will require more inner work with the psychologist. But the talk with my mum and the psychologist will help with some of the more external pressures I'm feeling, and hopefully alleviate some of my concerns and we can have a greater understanding of one another. Which in turn will make me feel like I have some more freedom to make my own choices and tackle the things I want to in life.

I can understand where your psychologist is coming from, because sometimes the first step is to remove yourself physically from a situation so you can gain some clarity. That helped in terms of the situation with my ex.

As for my parents, having to move back in with them has been difficult so I can understand the benefits of living away from them (as may be the case in your situation).

But I totally understand the difficulties with factoring in when and how to move out. Because there can be financial implications down the track without sufficient planning. So, you are certainly tackling this in a mature and reasoned way, no matter how difficult it seems at the time.

And in the end, only you can decide what is best for you. That is something I have come to realise as well. You need to do what aligns with your own values and beliefs.

And that can be difficult with how your parents are, but with your psychologist in your corner you got this.

I hope you find some comfort in what I'm saying. It's no easy task, thinking about moving away, particularly because we can feel strongly obligated to our parents. Take the time that is healthy for you, and certainly keep your psychologist informed of your movements.

As Beyond Blue told me, your body and it's sensations will tell you what is your truth and what you feel is best for you. For me, I can feel the tension in my heart when there is a thought that conflicts with my own values.

I hope to hear from you. You are doing so well.

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

ConfusedNanxious — Sun, 01 Dec 2019 23:50:01 GMT

Hi 2quik,

I have pondered much the same things.

My Mum has always been very much involved in every aspect of my life. Her father was very distant in that he worked to provide for his family and to him, that was all he needed to do.

My mum seems to take it to the other end of the spectrum. She is highly encouraging of my own goals and wants the best for me. I see that, it just gets a bit overwhelming at stages. Particularly when it involves more personal aspects of my life, like where to live or who to be with.

I just want her to know that I can follow my head and my heart, and assess situations for how they will benefit me.

I don't want to miss out on the good things I sense are out there. I need to trust my gut and give things a go that I want.

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

gloria10 — Mon, 09 Dec 2019 00:05:32 GMT

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

I'm sorry it has taken a while to respond, but I haven't had internet access.

How have you been doing?

I think it's great that you are writing down ideas for your sessions as psychologists can provide great advice for these situations. Even writing in a journal can help bring some relief, I've done that a bit when I've had some family difficulties.

I saw that you've been reaching out to beyond blue when needed and that is great too, they really are helpful when you just need to talk.

How have you been lately?

Gloria10

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

ConfusedNanxious — Mon, 16 Dec 2019 21:45:18 GMT

Hi Gloria,

Thank you for your message.

I could really use someone to talk to.

I have been feeling really depressed lately and had a resurgence of my anxiety.

As of now, I have stopped communication with my ex partner, and went to my psychologist appointment with my parents. With the psychologist, we discussed my anxiety and how I feel I have really lost myself and my identity. There seems that I need a lot of internal growth to occur and need the space to do this (i.e. not in a relationship).

But my depression is a result of really missing my ex. I want to see him again, but have restrictions placed on that (i.e. I will be no longer welcome at home, or at least need to undertake some life experiences before I see him again). Regardless, I very much miss him, and don't know what to do.

The no communication is to provide us both the opportunity to 'go it alone' so to speak and really assess what we want. We do plan to meet up, but as I am feeling now I will want to see him more. And I know that I can still undertake my personal growth regardless - I want that for myself as well.

I just don't know what to do about my parents and their view on this. They have said that they would never allow him to come to family gatherings or anything. I feel like it undermines my views on things and my ex's inherent goodness. But again, the future isn't written yet. And from what I am aware, my ex will be going back to study veterinary nursing and is on top of his health at the moment. Hopefully, my parents can see his improvements (should that opportunity even arise).

Just feeling lost and sad. My mind constantly dwells on this, and I am longing to feel true happiness again.

Hopefully I can talk to someone soon.

Thanks for reading.

My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

Starry_Night — Tue, 17 Dec 2019 12:33:35 GMT

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

You certainly have a lot going on. Some people have to deal with family issues, others have to deal with issues concerning problematic partners. You have to contend with both. I would suggest the former is what is more troubling for you. There are lots of potential partners out there but you only have one family.

So you don't think my assessment is too brutal, know that it comes from a place of me being able to empathise with you, at least a bit anyway. Despite whatever your parents may say or what criticisms you think may be coming, nothing actually stops you from doing what you want to do except one thing. That one thing is fear. Think carefully if you are using those "inner thoughts" coming from your mum as an excuse not to do the things you want to do but are fearful of doing.

Also, if you want to do something, just do it. Don't discuss it with your parents because then it sounds like you aren't even sure if you want to do it. It comes across as if you are asking for permission. (Obviously, if there is something you aren't sure about, then by all means discuss it.) I strong suggest you never ever lie. It just makes things worse (and also hard for you). It also robs you a chance of showing you are capable of making decisions (right or wrong).

In your example, if one day you want to go on a date with someone you know your family disapproves of, just go. (Exception: if your safety is at risk, history of violence, etc. But then you shouldn't be going not because of family disapproval but because you should be smart enough to work that out yourself) If they ask where you are going, tell the truth. After the date, talk about the date with them if they want to listen.

I'd be interested to know if you pay rent, and help out around the house. If you don't pay rent and don't help out, you really should. It is hard to ask for independence when you are dependent on your parents financially/chores wise. You need to do your fair share.

Anyways, hope this helps you out a bit.