topic Infatuation in marriage in Relationship and family issues

Infatuation in marriage

Rex007 — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 00:59:13 GMT

Hi
My wife of 17years is infatuated on another guy living overseas. She claims that he is like the brothers she doesn't have but earlier on in there relationship she told me that she had fantacised about him once. She said that it was a mistake and that she doesn't think of him in a physical way. However she talks to him twice a day - Every day. I've told her how upset it makes me feel but she just says that she can't control her feelings. It hurts so much that I don't sleep at night. She sleeps just fine.
The only reason that I'm still here (apart from our two kids that I love) is t that I still love her. I also know that for t h e l as t few years she has struggled with mental health issues to do with her family. I supported her as best I could through it all
The strange thing is that this guy is the total opposite personality type and I know that she would never leave the kids to be with him for so many reasons.
I have been seeing a councillor regarding my feelings and we are also seeing a Separate marriage councillor to work on our marriage. His strategy is for us to explore other interests so that we can have something different to talk about. Only I feel with the hurt I'm feeling I'm likely to run off with the first person that showed half an interest in me. It's not what I want. Unfortunately my wife is my one and only best friend which makes the thought of separating impossible to bear.
I'm really confused and gave no idea what to do. I'd love to hear any suggestions or hear from anyone that has been t through something similar
P,S, I have this guy as my Facebook friend - I feel like telling him to go away because I think he would. But if my wife found out our marriage would be over anyway

Infatuation in marriage

Betternow — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 01:32:34 GMT

Hi Rex

So sorry to read about your troubles. Your wife talking to a man twice a day who she admitted once fantasised about is not acceptable in any marriage. You mention your wife has had her mental health burdens but that doesn't excuse the behaviour, it just provides some context. Although your wife says her friend is just like a brother, the problem for you is the emotional energy she is expending on this fellow leaves less for you.

As a result, it seems you are making your emotional needs smaller and smaller so you can somehow keep your wife and family stable. Obviously, you can't live like this indefinitely. You are already seeing two counsellors (one for you and one as a couple). I would be interested to know what the individual counsellor is saying to you.

The bottom line is that if your wife is not prepared to listen to you, she is not showing respect for you. You say you love her but does she love you? I don't care if she tells you she loves you, but what do her actions say.

The sentence below tells me a lot Rex.

I feel like telling him to go away ....... But if my wife found out our marriage would be over anyway

A marriage that relies on such a shaky foundation for stability in my view is not worth having. You may have to man up and set the (reasonable) boundaries you expect. If your wife can't handle it, you have your answer as to what to do next.

Infatuation in marriage

Aaronsis — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 01:45:17 GMT

Hello Rex007

Sorry that this is happening to you, and that it is happening to you right in front of your face, for you to see, which I am not sure is more or less painful that a "secret affair"..I am not a marriage counsellor, however I am on the other side of a failed marriage so have had my time in these sessions also. I think it is wonderful that you are taking some counselling and some advice from a professional.

I have a question though, what are the suggestions from your counselor that you see together as to how she should be managing this relationship with this other person? I am sensing here that her behavior has not changed in anyway, which leads me to ask her commitment to the sessions and to making you feel secure and valid? She knows this is very painful for you, why if she is trying to mend the relationship is she not at the very least reducing the amount of time that she is communicating with this other person? If he is indeed just a friend then I am sure your request to reduce this interaction would be taken on board?

I understand what you are saying by having some individual interests so that you can come together and share new conversation, I hear what you are saying in that you are so craving attention that ANY attention has the potential to cast your eyes in a different direction, however maybe this is a message to you also that maybe this relationship has run its course? I might be wrong here in that you said you still do love her, but if staying just for the kids is your reason, please consider you, you matter too, and so does your happiness.

I left my marriage when my children were 8 and 10, in all honesty the marriage was over long before I left, however I "stayed for the kids"...can I say to you that the way I played out leaving in my head over and over went very differently in real life..my kids could sense we were not happy and I didn't realize how much happier they would be with us apart. They now have the best version of me and the best version of their dad. Can I suggest that sometimes it doesn't go as bad as we think. You matter and your happiness matters.

My opinion, and this is just mine is to leave the other man alone, you want to know that your wife has at least decreased contact with him as she wants to consider you, not because you have told him to. As you said, she would be angry I suspect anyway. However, I think you need to be clear with her what you want her to do.

Infatuation in marriage

Quercus — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 02:26:33 GMT

Hi Rex and welcome.

I'm glad you reached out here. Your story is a distressing one. I can't imagine how it must feel but I'm thankful that you chose to write and talk about it.

Betternow has already written a lot of how I felt too reading your post. Your reaction sounds very reasonable to me. I wouldn't be able to be as kind as you've been.

My first thought was to wonder if you had any family members you trust to confide in and ask for support? You have therapists but you do sound very alone. You said your wife is your only friend... Do you have any old friends or colleagues you might try reach out to?

One thought I can't seem to shake... I wonder what your wife hopes to achieve? She knows she's doing something that upsets you and is putting your marriage at risk. Does she love and respect you? Her actions don't show it.

Wish I knew how to help.

nat

Infatuation in marriage

Rex007 — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 03:57:38 GMT

Hi
Thanks for your comments. I often have to ask myself why she keeps talking to him if she knows it upsets me. And I have been honest about how I feel. Like everyone says it shows a lack of respect. It's like I'm asking her to choose between him and me. I have another session with my councillor in a couple of hours and it can't come soon enough. I have one or two major decisions to discuss.
T h an kids again.

Infatuation in marriage

Rex007 — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 04:04:43 GMT

Hi Sarah
Thanks for your comments. Our marriage councillor believes that it would be good for us to each gave separate friends. What he fails to see is that he is more than a friend. Also he has no idea of t the emotional place that she's coming from. She is desperate to connect with someone and this guy is taking advantage of that. It's now like I'm asking her to choose between him and me. I have another session with my councillor in a couple of hours and it can't come soon enough. I have one or two major decisions to discuss.
Thanks again.

Infatuation in marriage

Rex007 — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 04:11:34 GMT

Hi
Thanks for the reply. It's good to have someone's thoughts. Unfortunately I have been so close to my wife for so long I no longer have anyone that I can confide in for support- something that I'll have to work on quickly if things go sour. What's in it for my wife? Other then living a fantasy - this guy has made her feel sorry for him. He's Indian, living in Paris where covid19 is bad. No longer h as a job

Infatuation in marriage

Rex007 — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 04:17:52 GMT

Hi
%3cbr/%3eThanks for the reply. It%27s good to have someone%27s thoughts. Unfortunately I have been so close to my wife for so long I no longer have anyone that I can confide in for support- something that I%27ll have to work on quickly if things go sour. What%27s in it for my wife%3f Other then living a fantasy - this guy has made her feel sorry for him. He%27s Indian%2c living in Paris where covid19 is bad. No longer has a job. His visa has run out so he's there illegally. Can't go back to India for fear of persecution...it goes on.
I feel the reason for her actions lies partly with our two kids. Both have ASD and that alone puts a strain on a marriage. She's either looking for a fantasy to escape reality or she wants to help him in a way that she couldn't with them. Unfortunately I am the collateral damage in all this.
I have another session with my councillor in a couple of hours and it can't come soon enough for me. There are a couple of important decisions that I need to discuss.
Thanks again.

Infatuation in marriage

Aaronsis — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 04:53:09 GMT

Great to hear back from you Rex007

That is a real shame that the cousellor is not seeking the history of the relationship and digging deep to find out why this relationship is causing you pain and in turn what your wife can be doing differently, if he is in fact a friend, to make you feel at ease. This is the reason you are seeking support from a professional so maybe it is time to not wait for the counsellor to ask maybe you can bring this issue to the table and express how it is impacting you. This also gives your wife a chance to hear how you are feeling and perhaps get some real support in progress here. I am by no means poo pooing your counsellor, just maybe she might need some steering to the root cause of your issues here.

All the best for your session in one hour, I am so glad you are getting some help and I hope that it is benefiting you Rex007.

Great to chat to you some more and hope you are feeling better from sharing your pain here today.

Hugs

Sarah

Infatuation in marriage

Rex007 — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 02:18:29 GMT

I spoke to my councillor yesterday afternoon. He said that it's clear that I was upset and that I should Ser boundaries regarding this relationship. That I deserved some respect

So I spoke to my wife last night and told her how much her relationship with this guy was hurting me I don't think she fully understands. Anyway I think she did say to her friend that she wanted a break but instead of agreeing he wanted to talk to me

So I had to listen to him for half an hour telling me that he was just a good friend and that he would be my friend to and that he didn't want to interfere in our marriage. What I couldn't tell him was about my wife's emotional infidelity and that while she loved me she wasn't "in" love with me If he knew that then he would think different if he was a genuine guy.

So basically they both put it back on me - like it's my decision whether they can talk. It's my wife's choice and I would never tell her to do anything. So she's back to messaging him this morning. Like she had no idea at all. I am now in the mindset that it's over. I'm looking to join some clubs and make friends so that when it ends I'll have some support to pick up the pieces.

The only thing that could stop this now is the fact the she is going to see a psychologist in a couple of weeks. However it could take a while to unpack all her problems and I'm not sure I'll still be here. I can only take so much.
Thanks again to everyone who's replied.

Infatuation in marriage

Aaronsis — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 02:32:50 GMT

Hi Rex007

Firstly I am so very happy that you got some good support from your counsellor, that is great. I am also so very proud of you for addressing with your wife what your needs are, what you would like to happen and how you are feeling. Now here is the part where I hope I don't offend..I think that is really poor, really poor that not only has she totally disregarded what you have expressed to her, she has now got him involved in a discussion with you to defend "whatever it is they are doing". I don't think this is fair to you, to have to talk to him, this is between you and your wife and the fact you have expressed to her what you need and she is back talking to him this morning is like a slap in the face.

This is not on you, you are doing everything in your power to communicate to her and to ask her to consider her marriage and her husband, I don't think she is doing this and that is really hurtful and really disappointing. I am so very sorry she is not listening to you Rex007.

I just want to clarify something with you, and it might just be my sensitivity to the subject but when you mentioned about her getting some support you said "However it could take a while to unpack all her problems and I'm not sure I'll still be here. I can only take so much." I just want to confirm what you mean here in that you are not considering taking your life Rex007. I am sorry if that is a confronting notion and not at all what you meant, however I care and I want you to be safe and I want you to be happy. If this is something that you are considering we can provide support for you Rex007, there are some amazing people at LifeLine on 13 11 14 and even her at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. You deserve to be happy Rex007 and you can be.

I think that is a wonderful idea to start to search for some groups to join, to seek some new friendships and take up some activities that you have always wanted to do, to keep busy, to meet people and to make you feel good about you and to do something that makes you feel joy.

You are doing everything right in this process Rex007 and I am sorry that your wife is not responding to your needs and requests, this is really hard.

We are here Rex007.

Hugs to you

Sarah xx

Infatuation in marriage

Rex007 — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 03:53:08 GMT

Thanks Sarah
I can be absolutely clear that I am not going to do anything silly. Fortunately I have two wonderful kids who will be turning 13 and 16 in July. And if anything covid19 gas enabled me to bond with them even more and they are the world to me. I would have moved out long ago if it wasn't for their love.

I did mention to my wife last night that instead of taking to this guy she could play with them more - not what she'd like but what they like doing. To her credit she joined in a game of handball with us all just then. It's something I've been doing with the kids at lunchtime to get them off the computers. So there's still hope for her yet

The other thing that I didn't mention earlier is that no-one would side with her if she told them the situation. Like you said it feels like a slap in the face.

I'm going with my earlier decision- I preparing for the fact that we will have to separate but if things change in the meantime that would be good for all.
Unfortunately with covid19 I have to keep things civil until I can move out.
Thanks again.

Infatuation in marriage

Rex007 — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 21:20:54 GMT

New update.
Couldn't sleep at all last night. Apparently he told my wife about the things he was going to do with his girlfriend when she visited (after covid19). She lives in a different country. Anyway it was totally inappropriate what he told her. I asked my wife why she would share that information if she knew how I would react.

The end result is that she told him to stop talking to her. Now she's in tears and hates me. It will take a long time to to repair the damage.

I don't feel any better at the moment. I hope that passes.
I just have to keep telling myself that at was bad for our relationship and that if we can't fix things from here then it was probably doomed anyway.

Infatuation in marriage

Aaronsis — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 22:41:12 GMT

Good Morning Rex007

I am so sorry that you are feeling like you have a role to play in this, you most certainly do not...what he said to her was beyond inappropriate and the fact she shared it with you is her knowing that he has crossed the line..in my opinion. Does he have these conversations with other friends???? I think she knows deep down that this was more than a friendship, the need to be talking so much, now the content of the conversation..it to me is not how a regular friendship travels.

I think it is good that they do take a break, as I am sure that there probably will be resumed contact, however for now, she is upset at losing him, however this is not your fault, you did nothing to contribute to that conversation which was what caused the relationship to cease.

Your wife's loyalty should be to you and if it is not then yes, there is some work to be done here to figure out the path of this relationship. Is she talking about counselling and how to mend the way moving forward? Has she apologized for the stress this friendship has put on her marriage, has she considered your feelings at all? Another thing that pops into my mind is does she have other friends, girlfriends that she can talk to, if she needs to have socialization?

I am really sorry that she is so very sad, I am sorry that she fells anger towards you but this really Rex007 is not your fault and in my opinion you are the one here who should be feeling hurt, not her. Sorry if this is all a bit confronting, I just feel that you are not to be blamed here at all and her anger is directed at the wrong person.

I hope today you can do something for you, I think you should continue on your journey and find things for you that you want to do and enjoy, if she comes back to you well that is great you have some hobbies, if not you have some things to do to keep you happy and busy during a difficult time. I think it will be very interesting to see firstly, how long it takes for them to resume the friendship, and also who contacts who...there is some learning still to come, these are just my thoughts here too.

I am so sorry this is happening to you Rex007, I hope you can do something today that makes you smile.

Huge hugs

Sarah

Infatuation in marriage

Rex007 — Fri, 17 Apr 2020 01:51:17 GMT

Thanks again Sarah
The problem that both my wife and I have is that we have been best friends for 17 years. So much so that neither of us have any close friends. She probably now feels that I've taken her only friend away.Still it was a proper relationship

She also has no family to turn too so I feel a bit guilty- she didn't really have a choice in the end.
I only hope that we can hold out until she sees her psychologist

I think it's towards the end of next week. It will be hard until then

Infatuation in marriage

Guest_1643 — Fri, 17 Apr 2020 02:29:59 GMT

Hi rex - i have had a friend who was very similar to your wife- she developed an infatuation with a man she met online and was talking to him in a way that was disrespectful to her husband. I don't think you should feel bad at all - does she feel bad about making you feel inseure etc?
I do get the feelings that you are giving her too much power in the relationship. She should also be afraid of losing you, and that thought alone should make her feel like she has to at least try minimally to be a helpful partner. You have a great fear of losing her, but it isn't balanced. I think seeking independence outside your marriage. I would defiitely encourage boundaries so she knows that you also have needs and boundaries within the marriage. Maybe write down for yourself your boundaries...

I've found this very helpful myself

Infatuation in marriage

geoff — Fri, 17 Apr 2020 02:53:37 GMT

Hi Rex, sorry to come in so late, but from what I can tell is that this chap overseas has formed a relationship with anyone who took the bait.

He's no true friend for either of you and don't want your wife to believe whatever he says.

I know that this is going to upset her but many people have been conned into believing what someone overseas promises and have lost a lot of money.

Sorry.

Geoff.

Infatuation in marriage

Rex007 — Fri, 17 Apr 2020 03:29:21 GMT

Again I have to thank everyone for their comments. There's not much said that I haven't already said to her. And you know the scary thing is that she has already offered him money on a couple of occasions and he supposedly turned her down.

I look at it this way - even "if" he was a genuine guy, her spending several hours a day attuned to him does not work when you are trying to save 17 years of marriage.
But I did offer to move out to our caravan this morning (under the guise of covid19 isolaton) so that she could have some space. It appears that scared her a bit - thought of loosing her comfortable position here.

It looks like she ended it but I don't think it will be long before they are talking again. If that happens I am walking. However hard that will be. I can't stand the cold shoulder I'm getting now
I'm glad I am able to put this down because sometimes I doubt myself
Thanks again to everyone- there's an end there somewhere

Infatuation in marriage

Rex007 — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 21:46:30 GMT

Hi
Just an update for those who are following. I've have 3 personal counselling sessions and 2 marriage counselling sessions and from all that I believe that most of the hope of saving the marriage is gone.

My personal counsellor all but said that I should leave if I'm that hurt. The marriage councillor said we should each explore other interests so that we would more interested in each other. So while I'm exploring Singing lessons etc) she still wants to spend the only time we get together in the evenings talking to a guy who at best is infatuated with her. Let me know how that helps our marriage.

The only consellation is that I've managed to get her to stop the video calls to him until she sees a psychologist. That will be this Thursday. Unfortunately I'm not sure if one session will be enough to cover all her problems and she will want to resume the video chats on Friday. I don't know what to say to that. If I tell her "no" she will hate me and say that I'm controlling her. If anything she's the one who has always had control over me.

Anyway I'm giving my counselor the flick and have upgraded to a psychologist to unpack my resentment/ hurt/ pain/ jealousy? I've got my mental health plan and have an appointment in about 12 days time. I'm only hoping that I can hold out that long.
I feel my wife has put me in a bad position and is asking me to make a decision between her happiness (my pain) or my happiness. If if comes to that I will leave. It's sad that 17years of marriage have come to this.

Infatuation in marriage

Aaronsis — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 00:44:29 GMT

Hi Rex007

It is really great to chat to you some more and I can see that you have got some things in place since we last chatted, which is wonderful. I am glad that you have the appointments locked in with both your personal counselor and with your marriage counselor also, you are certainly doing everything you can to see what the future has in store for your marriage and if there is a chance that things can be repaired.

Fantastic that you are looking to do some singing lessons, I too would love to do that as I love the idea of being able to sing, so good on your for starting to look at activities to make you feel happy and things to meet new friends and people with like interests. I can hear how frustrated you are though that her spare time is still making contact with this other man, I am pleased at least the video calls have stopped, that is some positive progress.

I can see you are wondering after one session what her behaviour will be like, I think too this will be a good indication for you about her wanting to make changes and in fact if she wants to put her marriage first and your feelings. You may be right in that one session is not enough, however I am sure that in one session the messages and questions she will be left with should be enough to continue with the absence of the video call, and that once she hears from you and the counsellor together as to the pain this relationship is causing you if she is not able to stop these video calls, that too is a message in my opinion.

I don't think this is about control, and who is controlling who, it is basic human respect in that a relationship she is involved in is causing another person pain, and that person is her husband to which she took vows with to love and respect, should she not be wanting to keep her husband in the knowledge that she does love and respect him? If she no longer does she needs to address this, not just go on and take another person to replace those lost feelings, just my thoughts here.

Great to chat to you some more and please let me know how your sessions worked out, if you would like to share that is.

Hugs to you Rex007

Sarah