topic Confused and alone in Relationship and family issues

Confused and alone

Shyone — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 02:59:48 GMT

Hi,
First time posting. I don't know why I am doing this, posting here because my mind is all over the place and it isn't going to come out clearly. The last 3ish weeks my husband of 25yrs (been together 29) has been sleeping in our van in our back yard. When I ask what is going on and why, in messages he tells me he is done and that we have been drifting apart and isn't sure if he wants to try anymore because he is empty inside, tired, sore and wants to be alone to sort himself out but then tells me if he really wanted to leave he would have and not stay in our van. I just wish I knew the truth of what has happened as I don't s to lose him. I am having trouble giving him space because I just want to be with him and sort this out. I have taken leave from my job as i wasn't coping or able to concentrate. We have 2 children. He comes in everyday, has coffee and dinner with us. I just don't know how much longer I can do this, it hurts so much. I am not allowed to cry because he can't handle it. We have a mortgage together and neither one of us can financially afford to carry it on our own. I have been looking at rentals to move out alone (disappear) but then that will distroy any chance of fixing things if we can. I don't have anyone to talk too. I don't have family or friends just him and our kids. I feel so alone, confused, lost and any other emotion possible at the moment with nowhere to turn. If it wasn't for our kids I probably wouldn't be here now. Like all relationships we have had our ups and downs. I suffer depression and anxiety and I think he does too, just won't get diagnosed. I do have trust issues as well so my insecurities are hightened at the moment too.
Thanks for letting me babble if you got to the end.

Confused and alone

Betternow — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 06:23:30 GMT

Hello Shyone

I can understand your distress. Having a husband sleeping in the caravan in the backyard, and only coming into the house only to eat is very sad. How old are your children, I'm guessing they must be young adults. What's their attitude to the situation?

It does sound as though your husband may have depression but so far he is refusing to see a health professional. Have you a local GP that you could contact and discuss the situation. Obviously if he is suffering depression, getting him correctly diagnosed and treated is urgent.

You say you also suffer anxiety and depression. Are you currently taking medication and have you recently seen your health professional? You write you have trust issues and your insecurity is heightened. Do I interpret this to mean you suspect your husband of having an affair?

Three weeks in the van is a considerable length of time. Does he ever leave the van to go to the shops or do jobs around the yard? Has he got any friends from work that could come and talk to him?

In the meantime, try and focus on yourself. Eat well, get plenty of exercise and maybe do some extra pleasant stuff with the children.

Please keep posting here if you need to talk more.

Confused and alone

Emmen — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 06:33:56 GMT

Hi Shyone,

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through.

From what you have shared, it sounds like your husband wishes for space, but doesn't wish to leave. I know it is hard to see any positives now, Shyone, but the latter means there is still hope.

I can understand your desire to speak to him and sort this out. You are in a terrible position since you're kept in a state of uncertainty, in a situation with no resolution in sight. You are emotionally drained by this, but feel like you are not allowed to express your emotions since your husband dislikes you crying.

Perhaps you could suggest setting a time when you would both meet to talk this over? Let him choose the time so he feels that his space is being respected. If you are to work this out, you will have to understand what the other's concerns are, and speak openly, frankly about it. If both of you have been drifting apart, then perhaps you could work together to find something that you still have in common and cultivate that. If you are both open to it, then marriage counselling would be a good option.

Take care, and stay strong.

Best wishes,
Emmen

Confused and alone

Shyone — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 06:53:05 GMT

Hi Betternow,
Our children are 13 and 11. At first the 13yrs was very angry at his dad. The 11yrs is an emotional kid and he doesn't exactly know what going on - just dad needs a time out. I think they are just going with it at the moment. I have asked them how they are going and they have both said good.
Currently our gp is on maternity leave and I don't like any other Dr in the surgery.
Yes I am medicated for my depression as i had a breakdown for a different reason a yr or 2 ago.
He has never been a big communicator but expects me to be.
I am switching between emotions of anger and sadness. When I am angry I just want to pack up and leave but then I think about it some more and 30yrs is a long time to give up on.
I sense he is also confused as sometimes he call me by name and others he calls me darl or bub. Sometimes he will say I love you as he leaves for the night and kisses me other nights there's nothing.

Confused and alone

Shyone — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 07:06:12 GMT

Sorry Betternow, I didn't answer all of your questions.
He has his own business so he does leave the van.
With my trust issues, all of a sudden he takes his phone everywhere and it's always on silent. I have asked if there is anyone else and he says no but..........
I don't know if he has spoken to anyone but he grew up here and knows alot of people whereas I didn't and only know them through him.

Confused and alone

Shyone — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 07:12:48 GMT

Hi Emmen,
The hardest thing is I didn't think we were drifting apart. We were caught up with life/work as he has his own business - trying to build on it so it had enough to make it a family business and everything else going on I the world at the moment we weren't seeing much of each other but at least he was there at night.
I am hoping for the latter. He keeps telling me he needs time to sort himself and I am finding that very hard.

Confused and alone

Emmen — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 06:08:38 GMT

A huge hug for you. The wait is difficult but at this point, perhaps the best you can do is to give him that time. I see from your reply to Betternow that he still uses terms of affection for you. His confusion may have more to do with him than you.

"The hardest thing is I didn't think we were drifting apart. We were caught up with life/work..." - this part struck me. You may not have drifted apart intentionally, but in a way, you are leading separate lives with each of you caught up with your own things. Life at home, after 25 years, becomes a routine as well. After some time, we start taking our partners for granted because they are so much a part of our worlds that we just expect them to continue being there.

At this point, the best you can do is to give him that time and talk to him when he is ready. Only he can explain what has been going on with him and what you can do to help him.

Confused and alone

Shyone — Fri, 17 Apr 2020 23:59:44 GMT

Thank you both Betternow and Emmen for taking the time to read my post and reply.
I am really struggling with it all. I just want to disappear and leave it all behind. It's all playing with my head and emotions. I am so mixed up, over it all.
If it wasn't for the financial straps I would be outer here alone, leaving my children with him so he can actually see what I do for him.
I now just want to be alone.

Confused and alone

Sophie_M — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 00:24:32 GMT

Hey Shyone,
We are so sorry to hear things haven't improved between your partner and yourself, it sounds like it has been a really overwhelming time for you. We acknowledge that it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support, and we are so glad that you have done so today. We want to let you know that we are checking in with you via email.
Keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

Confused and alone

Shyone — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 01:25:31 GMT

Thank you Sophie_M.
I have been hesitant about contacting for the last couple days. I get so far on both calling and web chat and then stop. I can't afford help and that's what stops me.
My gp is on maternity leave and I am feeling like I have no one to turn too.
Starting to feel like disappearing is the best option for everybody. My husband would be happy because then he would have nothing to sort out. I don't even think the kids would notice.

Confused and alone

Sophie_M — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 01:59:54 GMT

Hey Shyone,
Thanks for getting back to us.
We understand your hesitation to contact our Support Service, it can be pretty daunting but please be assured this service is free. You will not have to pay anything if your decide to call or communicate to us through webchat. We've sent you another email to check in with you. Pleae know you are not alone, even when you feel lonely, our community is here to support you.

Confused and alone

Shyone — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 06:33:49 GMT

I would like to be me.
I would like to be allowed to cry when I wanted.
I feel like I am walking on egg shells to try and make him happy to come back, knowing full well it is not going to work.
I am so confused and emotional right now but keeping it to myself.

Confused and alone

Guest909 — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 08:09:32 GMT

Hi Shyone

I know that you are in a bad place; I've been there; I know what it's like. Unfortunately there are no simply answers. Give yourself the time you need to think things through; there is no rush.

If you want to cry then cry, it can't hurt and you might feel a little better afterward. Your emotions will swing from love to hate and back to love within a minute or two - that is normal for a "normal" person. Chances are your husband is going through the same emotional turmoil.

You might want to remind yourself that this is not a problem of your making; so don't go blaming yourself.

As to your future, you have two children and a job. Try and hang onto both if you can.

Be yourself!

Confused and alone

Shyone — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 22:51:13 GMT

Hi Mr Paul,
Thanks.
The problem I have with crying is it makes him angry because he can't handle tears. I don't get time alone to be able to let it all out.
You are right though, my emotions switch from angry to emotional so erratically.
With still living together as such I am so confused. I feel we are getting somewhere and then all of a sudden i feel like he doesn't want to know me.
Sad thing is i want nothing to do with my children or job at the moment, i just want to be alone.

Confused and alone

Guest909 — Sun, 19 Apr 2020 00:31:14 GMT

I know how you feel. My wife of 30+ years did the same thing to me.

Have you thought about taking the caravan to a local caravan park; leave the kids at home until you are ready to deal with them.

Who knows, a little distance may help both of you figure out what went wrong.

Confused and alone

Shyone — Sun, 19 Apr 2020 01:20:17 GMT

Thanks everyone for your replies.
Nothing has changed with feeling alone and confused. One minute he wants to be intimate and the next he wants nothing to do with me so I am not the only one confused but it is making me worse. One minute he wants to talk things over and the next he is shutting me out. He seems to have become secretive. I get asked about who I am messaging or talking too but I can't ask the same questions because I am too insecure and suffocating him.
I can see I am not the problem but it doesn't make it any easier.
I can see it is taking its toll on the kids.
I am not strong enough anymore. I don't know how much more I can wait or take.

Confused and alone

Guest909 — Sun, 19 Apr 2020 01:44:03 GMT

It sounds like you are both on the same emotional rollercoaster.

Can you take the caravan to a local park; you both need a break and time to think.