topic Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives? in Relationship and family issues

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Guest_9043 — Fri, 13 Mar 2020 16:38:40 GMT

My partner and I started couples counselling. I have never been through this. We both had our first session together, then we had to have an individual session alone on another day with another therapist from the same place. I went with it and trusted we were in the right hands. I did not know until yesterday and nor did my partner that there was a heavy focus on Domestic Violence in her session. There was not so much for me, however there was for my partner. I have been with my partner for quite some time now and I have never once displayed any Domestic Violence (any forms of abuse) whatsoever. I left a really horrid DV relationship last year. My current partner has been through DV before.

The therapist my partner saw asked some questions which out of line. I did not seek out therapy because I felt I was in a DV Relationship. We have been asked our goals for therapy and we have been very clear about our goals for therapy. (Mainly to strengthen our relationship and learn now to communicate more with each other as we know we need some of those skills to better our relationship) A long story short, at the end of both our individual sessions, the therapist said, if I want to see either of you again for another individual session, I shall call. If you do not hear from me just come in to see me together for your next appointment. I never expected we would get a call. So today, we both got a call. We missed it as we were out for an afternoon stroll and left our phones at home. It was the therapist asking us to call her back but by the time we got the message they had shut. She said on the message she would call us on Tuesday when they re opened. I have told my partner IF she is ringing for me to go into another individual session I do not feel it is right for me. I will absolutely not choose for my partner. If she wishes to go to it, I will not stop her at all. I just can't especially now that I know the line of extensive questioning my partner had to face. The questions strongly suggested how would she escape if I was to become abusive I feel hurt. I genuinely went somewhere for me, for us, for our relationship and to work on things together. I did not go to be portrayed as a Domestic Violence Perpetrator. I am certainly not. I treat my partner with love, respect, compassion, gentleness and kindness. I have a huge heart. Being painted out like this truly does hurt especially with no evidence or real story why this could even be imagined. Feel disheartened.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Betternow — Fri, 13 Mar 2020 20:37:55 GMT

Hello 2quik

I was motivated to respond to your post by the sensitive post you wrote when helping 1980. You show yourself to be a person of compassion and thoughtful.

I have to admit I was struggling to follow the lines in your account of the individual therapy for you and your girlfriend. The emphasis on violence without any evidence or complaints does feel somewhat irrelevant. What was your partner’s reaction to the domestic violence emphasis? Was she bewildered and did she try to seek clarification from the therapist?

I understand that there is a national discussion on domestic abuse and recent horrible crimes have elevated the topic to fever pitch levels. Perhaps some therapists see it as their duty to try and uncover evidence in order not to miss cases that could evolve into another tragedy. I can understand your reaction. If I was in your shoes I too would feel at least uncomfortable if not insulted.

Regardless of the therapists motivations, your decision to return or not should be based on your view whether she is helping. If you have lost confidence in her, then it’s probably better to avoid her.

On the other hand, sometimes it pays to be patient. I saw a therapist four times once and felt I was going nowhere. Then on the fifth visit, she laid out all the evidence in front of me based on my own words to help me see a bigger picture. It was remarkable, it changed my attitude and the way I now think.

I hope my words have been at least a sounding board for you.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

geoff — Fri, 13 Mar 2020 22:06:26 GMT

Hello 2quik, and I've been reading your replies which have always been very helpful.

The therapist has no right to automatically 'assume', (which is a word I don't like to use because it's predicting something that hasn't happened), however, if DV was happening then your partner would mention it, plus there are more subtle ways for an experienced therapist to raise this point.

If it was me that was concerned I would be suggesting you find another therapist.

My attitude towards marriage counselling has changed because of my own experience.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Guest_9043 — Sat, 14 Mar 2020 09:06:53 GMT

Hi Betternow and Geoff.

Thank you for your responses. My partner feels it was her fault. I told her it is not her fault. This therapist had her own agenda from the start. She took my partner's vulnerabilities and exploited it. Being prior DV survivors does NOT mean you get into relationship after relationship that is abusive.

I know I am not in a DV relationship nor do I care to argue about it. My partner knows she is not in a DV relationship.

I'm only speaking for myself. I have decided to completely withdraw from the service. There was no transparency or knowledge this would occur for either of us. While I agree that it has good to make sure both partners are in a safe and respectful relationship, you have gone too far when behind my back you start questioning my partner on developing an action plan in case I become violent. There is no prior history of this and they made a whole heap of assumptions. Trust has already been severed. I will not be engaging with the service again. I've explained to my partner that she needs to do what feels right for her and I will support that. End of story.

I cried this morning and have been extremely depressed today. My world feels so incredibly black. I'm in intensive therapy to deal with my own childhood abuse and very recently was severely abused in a horrific situation out of my control. I also had a nervous breakdown three weeks ago which I am trying to get through and not doing to well. I can't stand up at all for long periods as my legs just want to buckle under me. I stare off for long periods into a distant space and just can't do a lot. My heart is in immense pain and I'm beyond exhaustion.

Thank you for sharing your responses.

2quik.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

quirkywords — Sat, 14 Mar 2020 10:24:56 GMT

2quik

I am sorry to read you have been through so much recently and are struggling. I wonder if you are getting enough support.

I know the therapist you wrote about didn't work out but maybe you could found a counsellor or therapist who had experience with your issue,

I can feel your pain and exhaustion through your words. Please reach out for support and help.Quirky

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

blondguy — Sat, 14 Mar 2020 11:43:32 GMT

Hi 2quik

I can feel the pain you are going through... I would have also withdrawn from the service as well from what you have posted above

My memories are vivid when I sat staring at nothing during having a 'nervous breakdown'.(having an exhausted mind that struggles to cope)...I understand the dark period you are going through...

Betternow mentioned 'I have to admit I was struggling to follow the lines in your account of the individual therapy for you and your girlfriend' I am no expert...yet I also dont understand what your partner's thoughts were afterwards either 2quik....your own thoughts are very clear though and good on you for speaking from the heart on this

we are listening....any questions are always welcome

my kind thoughts

Paul

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Guest_9043 — Sat, 14 Mar 2020 14:09:50 GMT

Hi quirkywords,

Thank you. I don't have any energy whatsoever to find more support. I need complete rest now, I am pushed beyond extreme fatigue and exhaustion. My body needs a whole heck of time now.

I am with a new therapist now and things are going well there. Much better than the last one. This organisation was also meant to be another support for me and for us. I have reached out here. I honestly have no strength for anything else.

Thank you for your response.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Guest_9043 — Sat, 14 Mar 2020 14:20:59 GMT

Hi Paul,

It is nice to have someone understand the hell a nervous breakdown is. It can be a very lonely experience.

My partner and I did not speak about it in length till a few days after. I checked in with her of course. She is going through her own feelings and thoughts right now which I am doing my best to support her in. She is feeling angry, disappointed and sad overall. I understand that. I have said to do what is right for her because I will not make those decisions for her nor do I have that right. I have asked how she is going to approach this situation and the therapist. She has said that she will be telling her that we are no longer going to continue on with this organisation. She also said that she is going to tell her from her feelings and perspective why not.

This happening has been a major let down for us both in different ways and we are just doing what we can to support each other and ourselves.

My question is why is it that I was targeted like this? Why is it that there was no transparency nor honesty. I feel like they were trying to get her alone and put rubbish in her head with their own agenda. I did not feel threatened or worried in any way about her going in alone without me. Nor vice versa. It just feels like to me it was like a set up and a betrayal at the same time considering we both went in initially holding one another's hands and showing great love towards one another. On top of that genuinely going in stating we wished to improve things more and went into detail about what things. I feel extremely angry.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

geoff — Sat, 14 Mar 2020 19:12:07 GMT

Hello 2quik, my heart feels for you and your partner and I'm just so sorry what you are going through as I also had a nervous breakdown and know the repercussions of what happens, those thoughts will never leave me, and if I do have a relapse, it suddenly brings back those terrible memories.

I'm pleased you have left the therapist and know that you love and support eachother, I hope we can as well.

Take care.

Geoff.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Guest_9043 — Sat, 14 Mar 2020 23:21:02 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thank you. I have no idea how to deal with the nervous break down nor how to recover. I truly don't know. Besides resting I don't know. Thank you for your support.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Nameyname — Mon, 16 Mar 2020 14:58:10 GMT

Without specifics, it’s difficult to comment too accurately on the therapist’s motivations. However, perhaps is it is protocol, in this era of such prevalent DV, that the woman is approached alone regarding any potential threats. After all, in a real DV situation, the victim would unlikely feel free to come forth with any sensitive information in front of her partner for fear of repercussions.

Unless the therapist made any direct accusations this isn’t something I would take personally. In light of your most recent mental health difficulties it’s easy to internalise and personalise such actions. However, this sounds more like a safety protocol to me than a personal accusation.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

geoff — Mon, 16 Mar 2020 19:35:39 GMT

Hello 2quik, this is an enormous question which will differ from person to person and what situation you are living in 'how to get through a breakdown', I wish there was a simple answer, one answer to all just like we know that 2 + 2 = 4, everyone knows this but with depression of any type it's not that simple.

I kept on being asked this particular question and my suggestions either did or didn't suit them, but that doesn't mean that any small solution can be plucked out and then you can build on this, but my heart goes out to anyone who suffers this way.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Guest_9043 — Tue, 17 Mar 2020 09:25:20 GMT

Thanks,

I do not believe anywhere in my original post I said I would like opinions. It is only your opinion nevertheless.

It's like saying to me A dog bit you but it's nothing cause that is what dogs do, bite people. Because you don't like dogs much you are probably internalising this experience and it wasn't personal. Well with some dogs it is even if you were not doing anything to antagonise it. A wound is created from a bite that needs tending too.

If you take this metaphorically speaking and apply it to my experience it may or may not help you to understand.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Guest_9043 — Tue, 17 Mar 2020 18:22:38 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for the response. I get what you are saying. Im right in the thick of it now. My head feels like this fjezmpqaltm. Scrambled. Words can't form right. It's quite frightening. Feeling like you have no control of your brain. It's doing its own thing. A nervous breakdown is such an individual thing. I know this one is a huge one. I know I'm not going to be the same when I'm able to even think. It changes you irrevocably. I doubt my relationship will survive it. If it costs me that, well it is what it is to be honest.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

geoff — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 01:11:41 GMT

Hello 2quik, a nervous breakdown is a term that most people understand and it's been used for a long time because family, friends and workmate know what it means and you are going through it and I've had it, but that term doesn't seem to be used, may be I'm wrong, as you I'm not qualified and perhaps Nurse Jenn can let us know.

It involves a lot of different symptoms where any particular one dominates another one, but then the next day it could completely change, we never know, that's why it's so difficult to know where to begin.

A session may be focused on something in particular, but once you get there it's something else that has all of a sudden confused the situation and then brought in another factor which you never had hoped for or wanted to happen.

If you'd like to mention any issues about your relationship as I know what it did to my marriage, then please get back to us, and remember we're in your corner and want to help you as much as we can.

Take care.

Geoff.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Guest_9043 — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 11:37:21 GMT

Hi Geoff,

My head doesn't make a lot of sense right now so unsure if this will even make sense to be honest. I am looking up info on nervous breakdowns to help me formulate in my own head what I am going through. I have found some stuff, I just keep forgetting so have saved it.

I don't know anymore. All I can really go by right now is my own experience. It's really really really bad this time. Probably the most severe one I have ever had out of all of them. I can't talk much if at all.

Im going to continue on with my therapist, she is aware of what is going on. I am also trying to seek out a social worker for more support with other life challenges. My therapist is not enough at this point.

As for my relationship, not good news at all. I ended my relationship today. I have moved to my own space so we are not sleeping together. It is mutual I think. I have had very little time to process anything at all as I had to seek out a lot of help for me today. Naturally I am utterly devastated and it has caused me to go down further. Obviously our issues were too great for us to work through on our own. I know she is devastated as well. We both are. I did not make the decision in haste either nor because I am pretty unstable from the nervous breakdown. Sometimes love is just not enough to get two people through really. I don't know I am very lost in myself, a lot of confusion, my head does not make any sense and that is incredibly frightening when you cannot get your head into any form of control. It makes me feel very sad actually. I am very lonely and feel terribly alone in this. I don't know what is right or wrong so I do what I can and hope it will end up OK without knowing really. I will try and respond if you do, I cannot guarantee it but I will try.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

blondguy — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 12:25:38 GMT

Hey 2quik

Thankyou for your very kind reply on the 15th...We never expect a reply yet its always good to receive one

Im sorry that your relationship ended today 2quik.....ugh..Feeling devastated would be a huge understatement

If you want to describe the symptoms your experiencing you are welcome to do so and if not no worries at all...

we are here and listening 2quik

my respect and understanding

Paul

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Guest_9043 — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 19:56:28 GMT

Hi Paul,

I usually respond to most replies here unless I just cannot do it.

As for my symptoms I don't know where to start.

Emotional of course. Just want to cry all the time. A very deep sadness in me. Depression yes, however a very deep sadness.

Grief and loss.

Body aches and tiredness. Trying to rest and get good sleep. Not working very well right now.

Confusion, terrible confusion. It's a big struggle.

Anger, yet I suppress it cause I don't have any energy for it. This ties in with the tiredness.

Loss of self.

Feel unworthy and very little self esteem. Doubt myself a lot.

Can't make sense of thoughts nor trust them when I'm aware of them.

Don't talk much. Very quiet and subdued.

Feel like a robot really. Not aware of much. Trying to be mindful is hard work when you just don't want to think.

Agitated but no energy to move.

Lost, alone, scared.

Lack of appetite. Can't think positive. Just alone in everything. I'll make a new response about the relationship.

Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

Guest_9043 — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 20:28:33 GMT

Paul,

Following on from prior response. I was the one to end the relationship. Not an easy call to make, though I had to make it. I'm not prepared to make my final thoughts in it all because of my state right now.

I ended it because I could no longer allow any more hurt or pain for me. She said some very hurtful things and I also felt it was messing with my head a lot. It is not the first time. She wanted me to take responsibility for things I'd done. She tried to blame me for things that were her own doing and I said I am not wearing it at all. It belongs to you, not me.

I was very confused when she said it to me. The whole thing was just devastating. She said she doesn't feel safe. Tried to pin that on me too. I asked her what is making her feel unsafe. She couldn't answer. I am a gentle person and not unsafe. I am strictly and strongly opposed to violence of any kind. I can't even watch violent movies.

She said if you won't take responsibility we got nothing. That was a really big stab in my heart. That was it for me really. I ended it right then and there. I don't regret that decision. It cut deep. She does not understand that nor do I think she understands that it really hurt deeply to hear her say that about our relationship.

I asked what must I take responsibility for? She could not tell me. Then she bought up the same incident which was minor that happened months ago. I had apologised for it and taken responsibility for it. She got more understanding around it. I thought it was a matter put to rest. I do now remember she brings it up again and again, like she can't let go of it. It really was so minor.

I told her I was confused in taking responsibility as the other night I said to her I feel that sometimes I fail you as a partner. She reassured me that I do not ever fail her and have never failed her. She stood by me saying I have been the most amazing partner she has ever had. So the revelation that I need to take responsibility for things and not telling me what those things are did mess with my head.

I asked out of all the four months we have been together she could have told me. I have always provided a safe, loving and non judgemental space for her to talk to me about anything. She is well aware that transparency, communication and honesty is something I need and value in a relationship. She does have a lot of issues with communication and opening up to me. I do know it is not cause of me or anything I have done. I also know that poor communication or lack of communication can ruin any relationship eventually. I'm a communicator so working with this has been very hard and challenging for me.

She shuts down, shuts me out at crucial times. Just goes quiet, barely speaks to me like I am not here. That's hard to take when you have beautiful moments of bonding and closeness. I had my struggles with that because of my childhood abuse. No real bond with my mother and just hurt and pain if I got too close. I dropped all of that with my now ex partner so naturally it is another devastating blow to me.

Ending things and having my own space I sleep in now has made me see that she does indeed have major issues she needs to work on and she doesn't need me to do that. I can also see I am going to continue getting hurt through her own process and more than likely it will kill the relationship anyway.

She also said you always were saying you are a good partner. Like that was a bad thing? I told her I was allowed to say nice things about myself to raise my self esteem. I'm allowed to try feel good about me. She tried to say this was the reason she never bought things up. I won't wear it. It feels like emotional manipulation and the blame is on me.

This all bought me to ending it today. It was in my best interests. It's still very sad if course. Right for me though and now she is completely free to live life as she wishes. I am going to move out as soon as I can. I'm sleeping in my own space now. So yeah just a lot to work through at this point.