topic Boyfriend thinks I’m fat in Relationship and family issues

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

Girl_interrupted1 — Mon, 20 Jan 2020 01:56:56 GMT

Hi everyone,

I’m new here. I decided to post here today to see if anymore can help me or give me some advice on my situation.

ive been with my boyfriend for 8 years and over the years he has always been very concerned over my weight and body parts increasing.
When I met him I was 20kg smaller than I am now. I’ve struggled with body image issues for my entire life which started from when I was only 5 after getting some serious scars after an illness.
I started dieting as a child - actually my father put our family on a diet because he himself wanted to lose weight and he thought we all needed to follow the same strict juice diet.

Since then I’ve studied nutrition and I know that these diets don’t work and I’ve tried my best not to fall back into restrictive habits. But my boyfriend constantly reminds me that my weight needs to change and has told me in the past that he’s no longer attracted to my body.
He’s not a bad person. He’s gentle sometimes, funny, charismatic and a fun person to be with but lately (well for a while now) I’ve been questioning if I should end this relationship.

the thing is.... I’m scared out of my mind to break up with him. I can’t imagine my life without him and I want to be with him because I love him more than anything.

please help me.

x girl interrupted

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

Lady_Nova — Mon, 20 Jan 2020 04:06:25 GMT

if you think about it, only one person has to love your body for the rest of your life, and that person is YOU!

His problem with your body is HIS problem. He can love you unconditionally, with respect, or he can lose you, if not now, then eventually when you learn to respect yourself enough to have had enough of his negativity.

He should grow up enough to realise that a woman's body changes, and that's ok.

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

Ggrand — Mon, 20 Jan 2020 05:56:30 GMT

Hello Girl Interupted..

Welcome to the forums..and well done with your first post..

You are still the same beautiful person he fell in love with...your heart and soul don’t change..your personality doesn’t change...unfortunately our bodies do...if he is that shallow that a few kilos added to your weight is a problem for him..then he has a problem not you..

Putting on weight or loosing weight doesn’t change the person we are..it only changes our looks...

If he put on extra kilos..would you love him less?...I doubt it...Maybe sit down together and talk to him about how you’re feeling....how he’s hurting you.. and how he’s making you feel.....and that having his support, care and love while your trying to loose weight...if that’s what you want to do....it has to be for you...not him....it might be an easier journey for you...

Love you for yourself always...We are all different in many different ways..we’re all unique and we’re all beautiful....

Sending you some love and hugs...💜🤗..

Grandy...

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

Girl_interrupted1 — Mon, 20 Jan 2020 11:27:04 GMT

Thanks for your kind words and support.
I guess the problem is our relationship has entered a pattern where every 3-6months we’ll have a long conversation about my weight and he will express his concern and I will tell him it doesn’t help when he mentions it and tells me what to eat etc. These conversations usually result in me getting very emotional and he gets very frustrated and says that he “can’t say or do anything right”.

i tell him that all he needs to do is support me e.g go for walks together etc. but despite this I’m still not losing weight and he blames me for this and makes me feel even more guilty and disgusted for being bigger than before.

I just want him to understand that it doesn’t help when he brings up my weight or grabs my fat on my tummy or touches my chin.

i really don’t want to break up but my head is telling me that might be the only option. My heart is breaking at the thought of this though and I don’t know if I will survive life without him.

x girl interrupted

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

Broken_Girl — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 05:35:09 GMT

Girl interrupted. I have the same issue, so much so that I cried when I read your post. I had been with my partner 20yrs. A few years back I got sick and had to take steroids and gained weight. I managed to lose some but not able to keep it off and after getting sick again last year I blew to a size 14 again and I admit it was not a toned 14. My partner was constantly making remarks, offering to sign me up for weight loss programs, telling me I must eat more than I realise. It became such a touchy subject we couldn't talk about it and I began to resent him for his comments and his bragging about how little he ate. I knew it was an issue but I felt so much pressure to lose weight. He broke things off a few weeks back and I was devastated. Oddly enough the weight just fell off me and when I saw him again he was almost mad that I had lost weight and said I had told him that I couldn't lose weight and he had felt like he was dating an obese invalid. Those words are just killing me and I have so little self esteem left, i feel totally broken. it was not like I wanted to be overweight and I had been trying so hard but I feel it was all the pressure that was holding me back. I feel really lost, I still Love him but also feel like he doesn't even really like ME or why would he say such a horrible thing. I knew he was struggling with my weight but now his comments have made me feel like he was embarrassed to be seen with me. I am so devastated.

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

quirkywords — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 06:21:10 GMT

Girl Interrupted, and Broken girl,

Welcome to this supportive forum.

have always said if you want some one to put on weight, tell them to lose weight.

BG you proved that as when he left and stopped criticising you, you lost weight.

As Grandy and lady nova have said you are same person what ever your weight .

Loving someone unconditional is what one needs not someone who calls you names or feels they will help you by controlling what you eat.

Once you have people supporting you and you feel confident you will feel good about yourself and eat healthily.

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

Guest_3256 — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 07:49:01 GMT

Hi Girl interrupted.

Your post resinates with me so I can understand where you are coming from.

I think to be fair that most of us are body conscious about you weight and this can have a big impact on our self-esteem, especially when our SO starts to become rude and arrogant about how they think we should be. Unfortunately, things happen, however, your partner should be more supportive of you and if they feel the need to express themselves, it should be done a kindly and respectful manner. Sometimes we can project ourselves to the situation and make it out to be a bad thing - and that just it, it's an opportunity to ask yourself what you want to do to improve or make yourself the best you can be - not just for him - it's more importantly for you.

I personally had can relate - when I was a lot younger in my early 20's, I was quite athletic, very fit, had a 6 pack - you get the picture. Went from about 55kgs up to about 110kgs in a couple of years and I felt horrible. To make it worse, my ex starting making rude and derogatory remarks up until she ended up leaving me for someone else. My weight has always fluctuated like a rollercoaster ride, however, after dedication, hard work and commitment, I have been able to maintain a healthy weight - so I can become a fast runner and catch all those skinny little criminals when I become a detective.

My point is - don't let your SO get to you, as others have stated, you are a great person with a great soul and learn to love your figure - even if others don't agree. Give yourself the self-compassion that you deserve and tell yourself that you are great.

Be brave, be kind to yourself.

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

SarahZ — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 08:06:30 GMT

Hello Girl interrupted,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out. Weight is such a sensitive topic so well done for being so brave and opening up. I can also relate to your experience so my heart breaks for you. Internal struggles with our weight added upon other people making unhelpful remarks can be really detrimental to our mental health. It's really important to just remember as long as you are happy and healthy with your weight, your boyfriend's comments are his OWN issue. If your boyfriend really cared about this relationship he should be supportive and happy that you take the initiative to go on walks, and not make mean and derogatory comments. Importantly, if your boyfriend really loved you for you, then he should accept you irrespective of a number on a scale. Your weight should never define how you see yourself, nor should it define how your boyfriend sees you. As cliche as it is, you are perfect the way you are.

Wishing you all the best and sending you positive thoughts.

Please don't change yourself for anyone. There's only ever going to be one of you!

Here if you ever need to talk 🙂

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

ecomama — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 08:18:38 GMT

Oh dear Girl Interrupted and Broken Girl - indeed.

"When someone shows you WHO they are, believe them the FIRST time."

Otherwise you'll get repeat performances from these horrible people until...
NO NO NO.

Seriously?? Where do these PERFECT people get off? They ARE perfect right? lololol ofcourse not.

And they both have EXTREME character flaws or zero characters.

How about you flip the tables..... pick on ONE area that THEY are awfully self conscious about and I'd tell you where, but my post wouldn't be approved! LOL!

This is how it goes, "oh sweet bf (excuse me while I vomit) I really need to talk with you about something vitally important to MY future happiness with YOU. It's about your _____. It's just wrong, plain wrong YUCK. I want you to change it and as soon as possible. It's just not doing anything for me. You know that right? etc"

You get my drift... ask them how they feel...

These people KNOW you are so much better than them, so they have to pick on what you feel vulnerable about.
They feel garbage about themselves so they make you feel this way too and try to bring you down.
NOT nice people at all.

Go to YouTube James Corden Carpool Karaoke Adele. TWO people smashing this. And aren't they gorgeous!!!!

ACTIVELY build your self. You will flick these types to the curb in an instant once you do.

And please don't do the "pick me dance". Not worth it. AT ALL.

I am STACKS older than you both, probably PUT TOGETHER lol!
I actually put on weight during intimate relationships where I didn't feel "right". I'm sure I was psychologically trying to put a safe distance between myself and that so I wouldn't keep getting hurt.

Anyway I lost 30kg after I ended my last marriage and I wasn't even trying.
My new boyfriend calls me "petite" LOL!

I couldn't care where the 'others' slunk off to lol.

Get some girl power girls. You got this.

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

Broken_Girl — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 09:20:38 GMT

Ecomama, thank you. I think I am in shock over how horrible he was saying some of the things he said about why he had left me and then telling me he still loved me. Then getting super emotional and saying how hard it has been for him to deal with my weight while thinking it was ok to tell me basically he had been embarrassed by me, sick of dealing with my health and weight issues and humiliating me. Like it was a picnic for me! I felt like he was someone other than the person I loved for 20 yrs. I am feeling so confused right now, especially with his mixed messages but I feel like I will never be good enough for him despite him saying he loves me on the inside, he doesn't accept me for better or worse on the outside. I didn't give up on myself, I was really trying hard, it just wasn't happening because of the pressure and the constant fear of what the outcome would be if I failed. When I would start to lose weight he would get so excited and tell me to keep it up. It didn't feel like encouragement, it made me angry as I loved him for how he was and he was far from perfect. I felt like he watched everything I ate and if I so much as had a square of chocolate in his presence it would come back in a conversation later about how he had seen me eat bad things. I feel quite damaged and confused. thank you for your reply.

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

Broken_Girl — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 09:26:03 GMT

thank you for the kind words quirkywords, my post above was meant to include you as well.

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

ecomama — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 09:54:44 GMT

Dear Girls

Imagine ALL the bad words awful person said and put them in an imaginary black bag - and call that the bag of sh** and imagine throwing it back at them or better still compost it! lol. I'm about to do this with my father - he died decades ago but I am realising more and more how bad he was. i'm writing it all out and composting it - it will break down very well indeed lol!

A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing. This is the description of a narcissist. The title of great book in the subject too.

There's no place in your life for horrid things and people that bring you down and break you - never.

Narcissists are the "Kings" and they have no Queen, only servants.
They make all the Rules.
Have ALL the Rights.
Their spouse has all the Responsibilities.
You can Google for more.

You can Google the Narcissistic discard phase. It's cruel.

They feed you "kibbles" to keep you hoping there's a possible future. But they only do this to keep you on the backburner and holding on. It helps their flawed personality feel good.

They will blame you for the failure of the relationship and make you feel like it was your failure alone.

They really think they are ABOVE others.

Narcissistic abuse is real and very damaging. Counselling would help alot.

Narcs need empaths.

I will challenge your thinking - there is no way in this world that you are not good enough for anything. That's complete rubbish. Don't believe a word that person said, they simply have no credibility. Pop it in the black bag and go NC or Low Contact if there are children involved.

Google the No Contact Rule and the Gray Rock technique. The 180 works miracles.

You can always phone 1800RESPECT and talk things through with a Counsellor there (since ex showed no respect). The BB Helpline is open 24/7 too.

Best wishes
EM

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

Guest_3256 — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 04:08:00 GMT

It's just absolutely horrible how some people treat others.

Some people just don't learn that saying horrible things is hurtful and also a controlling tactic to get what they want.

Stay strong - don't put up with peoples inappropriate behaviour.

Boyfriend thinks I’m fat

Juliet_84 — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 08:10:12 GMT

I’m kind of infuriated on your behalf to be honest!! I don’t understand why people’s weight seems to be a topic for open discussion. Would you tell him if he started losing his hair that you’re just not attracted to baldness and he better grow some stat?? So why is this any more acceptable. And this hiding behind being “concerned about your health” is just an excuse, studies show that mildly obese people actually live the longest! But our society has trained us that we need to be thin, and if we’re not then it’s somehow our fault and we need to feel shame, thereby perpetuating the cycle. If you want to lose weight for you, then go ahead and do it for you sweetheart, but don’t do it for anyone else and especially don’t do it because anyone tells you to. If your partner can’t love and accept you for you then he doesn’t deserve to be your partner! My advice, lose the exact amount of weight that he weighs 😂