topic Discussing relationship issues on the internet in Relationship and family issues

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Duesentrieb — Sat, 19 Mar 2022 01:29:58 GMT

Hi guys, first thank you for allowing me to be here.

My wife and I are married since 2000. I discussed some relationship issue in a private, closed FB group that we currently have. Unfortunately she found out and was quite angry about it. Not so much about the discussion itself. She was more angry about that fact that members of the group could look at my profile and discover her (name, pictures, etc.).

What is your opinion about that topic?

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Guest_7403 — Sat, 19 Mar 2022 05:05:44 GMT

You should of made a burner account that couldn't be tracked back to you.

Shes right to be upset about strangers having access to her

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Croix — Sat, 19 Mar 2022 11:16:10 GMT

Dear Duesentrieb~

In your other posts you set out a fair amout of detail about your relationship with your wife, and it seems to have its troubles.

As a result while it is quite natural to seek the opinions and support of others I'm afraid that allowing your wife's identity to become known was not a good move. It may well have been a shock to her and make her feel betrayed and vulnerable, a not unreasonable reaction. To have her identity linked to marriage difficulties could be particularly upsetting.

Is it possible for you to delete references to your wife from your account? If not and you value your relationship deleting the whole account and starting again may be the only other option.

While I'm not sure that doing this will ease the strain between the two of you at least it might prevent things from getting worse.

What do you think?

Croix

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Guest_1584 — Sat, 19 Mar 2022 12:41:45 GMT

l don't blame her , even though you can bet bottom dollar she's been talking to her friends about it all for probably longer than you have. But yeah , bloody fb , l don't even use my real name on that thing.

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Duesentrieb — Sat, 19 Mar 2022 21:28:55 GMT

Thanks…I got a bit more detail now.

I am a member of some private, non public groups and have there some friends.

She hasn’t seen anything but it seems that FB suggested these friends to her which she interpreted as an emotional affair and/or exchange of information…

I am not such a FB expert as I am not sure if that happens in closed groups but it could be as well a big bluff..

BTW. I deleted all my posts

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Duesentrieb — Sat, 19 Mar 2022 22:05:00 GMT

Thank you for your reply.

It seems she has no details and it could be more of a bluff based on my increased FB usage. She asked more if I have an emotional affair which I do not have. But some members of these groups became friends and that she could see and made her suspicious. Nothing more nothing less.
Just to be cautious I deleted all my posts.

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Juliet_84 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 00:45:24 GMT

Duesentrieb,

I take it that these new friends are women for her to have such a problem with it? If so, I think there are two separate issues here. 1 is talking about marriage difficulties to people outside of your marriage in a forum that is not anonymous and 2 talking to new women friends about your marital issues, which would be a bit of a warning for me as well. Feel free to correct me if I have misunderstood. I think you probably need to sit down and think what you want from this relationship and whether you want to repair it or whether you want to turn away from the relationship and keep talking about it with other people and potentially doing more damage. If there are issues that you want to talk through, have you considered marriage counseling from someone qualified in this area?

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Duesentrieb — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 04:20:19 GMT

Thank you for for your insight.
As I mentioned I am not totally sure what my wife saw. At the moment I guess that some of my new friends popped up in her FB. Some of them are women, some men.

You are right, it is/was not right to discuss issues with strangers and I should concentrate on my marriage, instead.

I could talk to a councillor which I did some time ago (~18 month) but even that she found very disturbing as I would learn tricks how to control her (her words). BTW, there was a time that I suggested marriage counselling (extensive silent treatment) and she refused.
She will not accept any external help.

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Juliet_84 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 21:42:54 GMT

Hi Duesentrieb,

Only you can really know whether your intentions with your friends are purely platonic. However, your concern over what your wife potentially saw suggests to me that perhaps you are aware of some inappropriateness on your part. That is just my feel so I am happy to be corrected.

Regarding a psychologist, I think many of us often go there with the wrong intention. Rather than to see what we are doing wrong and how we can more adequately meet our partners needs, we go there hoping to be right and have our needs met. Perhaps she found that you weren’t being completely honest or were trying to manipulate the situation and that has coloured her vision. We should also leave the psychological analysis to the experts. My ex would often come home after a session and then take on the role of “psychologist”, which I found controlling. It is only when we go there with our ears open and without ego with a true desire to fix our relationship, that we can really get anywhere. But I suppose that depends on whether you think the relationship is worth saving?

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Juliet_84 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 23:36:14 GMT

Hi duesentrieb,

I read back my response and realized that it may have come across unintentionally harsh, which I didn’t mean. I suppose I was just musing out loud and trying to explore the situation further. At any rate, I hope I didn’t offend. Do you have any idea why your wife would have felt that you were trying to be controlling after the sessions? What are the main problems that you have with your wife? Do you think there is something worth fighting for and want to continue to be married or do you think you would be better to separate?

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Duesentrieb — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 02:57:43 GMT

Hi thank you but for the whole situation I have to go back a bit.
Married 2000 and since then my wife used Silent Treatment (ST) as her tool to communicate disagreement, her anger, etc. I am more the agreeable people-pleaser and ran after her whenever she is using ST. Since 2013 the marriage became more routine, less affection, less attention, etc. but I thought it is just the time.
In 2018 her ST became more frequent and intense. I tried several times to talk to her but no change. I started to read and ended up at valuable narcissism. She discovered that and of course she felt betrayed. She carried that around for 2 years, highly resentful and withdrawn.
Around that time, I had counseling (16 hours) due some work issues. The counselor identified my relationship as the root course and confirmed that my wife shows light valuable narcissism behavior. She confirmed as well that I was quite patient, basically carrying the weight of the relationship, etc. After that, I changed my behavior as well (less people pleasing, no more reaction to her ST).
I am far from perfect. Not the best communicator (even though the counselor disagreed on that), yes maybe I should have talked to my wife but I learned quite fast that she is quite sensitive, feels easily attacked and out of that we could get a round of TS). Yes, I looked for solutions outside which is not good. Did that basically now 3 times … (narcissism research, counseling and now FB).
I am sorry but I don’t know anymore where what and how… at least at the moment.

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Guest_1584 — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 04:18:40 GMT

Hi op

Yeah it'd be pretty obvious to any counselor, it's pretty obvious just reading what you've said here in a few lines.

And your right about her behavior too15yrs or something of being treated like that honestly !! No wonder you were tying to find solutions really you were actually trying to help the marriage, both of you , that's a lot more than she was doing.

To be honest sorry but it sounds like it's her that really needs to see somebody.

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Duesentrieb — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 06:27:01 GMT

Thanks randomx for your feedback...

Already this morning we had something I do not like. Our Son was sick over the weekend, already recovering but I wanted that he stayed maybe another day at home, which I suggested to her this morning. My wife is not working today and she asks (a bit annoyed) back... should I drive him? Basically shutting me down and my concerns, indication that she will drive him whatsoever... that's how I interpret it....

Maybe I am (already) (very) biased and/or very sensitive but I can't interpret that behavior in a neutral or even positive way..

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Guest_1584 — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 07:30:10 GMT

Hi op and l'm sorry about everything going on for you.

But yeah it certainly sounds like exactly as you've read it to me. She's very closed isn't she , even more reason she needs to be seeing somebody.

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Duesentrieb — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 09:31:25 GMT

Hi randomx,

Thanks again. I am quite certain that she is not talking to her friends. She is very secretive about anything private.

I would even support that she is opening up and talking to someone, even her gfs. It is a good thing to let it all out, to get a different perspective, to discuss things...

I have no problem at all to take that heat (much easier compared to that closed up behavior), even if I meet her gfs.

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Guest_1584 — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 11:58:22 GMT

Yeah fair enough

But she really needs to talk to a professional too doesn't she, a marriage counselor or something or even together, would she do that ?. Hopefully they'd get to the bottom of the way she does things with you guys. Pretty hard to fix things on your own when she's actually the one just doing a lot of this stuff.

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Duesentrieb — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 12:58:58 GMT

We had that discussion years ago. She was using her ST and after a few days I suggested marriage counselling as I couldn’t see any other solution. She stopped the ST immediately and said no need for counselling.

I know her and she will not go. Her childhood was really bad and I guess she knows that every therapist will go down that road and this will be extremely painful. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with her…

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

geoff — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 13:49:27 GMT

Hello Duesentrieb, if I had done this to my wife, it would be a long time before our relationship got back to normal, plus it would most likely limit what she says to me in the future, in fear others would know.

Geoff.

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Duesentrieb — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 14:46:17 GMT

I understand that now and yes it was not right. Even though, this FB page has a similar character like beyond blue. I did some research now and friends that are in this group could possibly see her details.

I had a second discussion with her and things got a bit clearer.

a) she thought that I possibly have an emotional affair which I clearly do not have.

b) she highlighted the possibility that if I write personal stuff in this FB group and I allowed some members of this group to be friends, that these people could see her details too. Therefore she asked me to remove her pictures or to delete these posts, which I did.

I understand now that I should have considered her feelings more, even though we talked about it now and had some common understanding. I think totally different about the situation as I don’t bother about other people much and I won’t meet these people in real life. But I can’t assume that someone else will think like me. Her feelings about the situation are totally valid.

Thanks for your feedback.

Even though I feel different about it

Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Juliet_84 — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 20:30:26 GMT

Hi Duesentrieb,

Thank you for sharing the additional information, that is most helpful. I can understand how damaging the silent treatment is for prolonged periods, nothing quite sends a message of open hostility as refusing to talk to a person. It’s also not an adult way of resolving conflict, and is instead a maladaptive approach of shutting down. I would contend that you did nothing wrong by googling your wife’s behaviors, you were trying to understand why she was doing the things she did, presumably so you could learn better ways to deal with them. She didn’t like the answers but that doesn’t make it wrong. Regarding this issue, I think we can all agree that it wasn’t a great idea to post in a forum where your wife’s identify could be found out, but it’s done now and in the scheme of things is probably more of an inadvertent betrayal rather than anything. But you obviously have deeper issues here with your wife that you need to resolve. Issues that you both are probably ill equipped to deal with on your own. It can be difficult though when one spouse refuses to go. I would maybe suggest going on your own and extending the invitation to your wife so that she can “tell her side” of the story. The feeling that she is being talked about may encourage her to show up herself to set the record straight so to speak