topic Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward in Relationship and family issues

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest_7403 — Mon, 11 May 2020 03:07:48 GMT

My wife left me 6 weeks ago because my cptsd was out of control and I wasn't making any efforts to get better.

I went to a private mental hospital for two weeks in an attempt to start my recovery.

Whilst in there she reached out and said maybe she'd like to try, she went back and forth the entire time and basically disrupted my hospital stay, upsetting me daily.

When I got home, she came over from her mums and hugged and kissed me, she did this for three days straight.

I messaged her on day 4 and said I felt really good and thought we had a real shot at this, she replied and told me that the romantic kissing meant nothing and she only did it to make me feel better.

I was upset and very hurt by her actions, as it meant more to me then nothing.

I awoke the next day to a message telling me she loves me but she doesn't want to try, doesn't want to continue and to respect her decision and not contact her.

So i haven't as I just want to heal and move on with my life and accept my marriage is over.

She works at my work and when I return from my work cover itll be hard to see her.

But today I get a knock at the door, and it's the police doing a welfare check on me saying that my wife has called and is concerned for my safety because I haven't messaged her and I haven't responded to my work place.

This is a lie, I spoke to management last week about my health and future plans.

I recieved a msg from my boss saying he's here to talk if I need anything just before the police arrived.

It's upset me, as I have respected her wishes, have done nothing wrong.

And now she's discussing my mental state with my bosses and making me out to be unstable which is untrue.

I just want this nightmare to end and move forward with my love. This just makes going back harder.

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest909 — Mon, 11 May 2020 08:11:16 GMT

Hi Theborderline

I don't claim to know much about cptsd but it sounds like it is a serious condition that you are trying to address; kudos to you.

Your wife's behaviour is extraordinary and perplexing to say the least. From the outside looking in, I don't know if your wife is trying to help you or tear you down. Either way, her actions are irrational.

Can I ask if she contributed to your cptsd problem or simply feed off of it. What do your counsellors say about your wife's actions?

Have you considered getting some sort of an intervention order (IVO) to stop your wife interfering in you work and personal life. I'm not saying you should, but the option is there if you just want to left along.

Paul

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest_7403 — Mon, 11 May 2020 08:42:11 GMT

Hey Paul,

My cptsd is from work place trauma, and I have suffered with it nearly 5 years now.
I have known my wife for 3 years, she came to this marriage knowing my condition and how serious it is.
However events and things that have happened because of her have definately intensified and taken my illness to an extreme level that is far worse then I was dealing with before her.

She blames me solely for those actions and feels she played no role in making this worse.

She knew the effects her coming back and doing those things would have on me, especially with such a fragile mind already. But she did it anyway

I've accepted my marriage is over, I do not why she felt the need to do this today.

I don't need an ivo on her, but I can't comprehend how she ended it and the way she did it....and to a week later call the police on me. It's very strange....

I've spoken to my sister and a friend and they also are rather perplexed that she did this....and don't know what game shes playing at.

I've respected her wishes not to be contacted...and she calls the police on me because I don't message her. It's mind boggling

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

ecomama — Mon, 11 May 2020 08:47:56 GMT

Hi Theborderline

Welcome and I'm sorry to hear what's been going lately. Well done for seeking the help you need. I hope you can stay engaged with the help through this. Making it a priority over all else is difficult at the best of times but ….

I COMPLETELY agree with Mr Paul in everything he says about the strange behaviour of your wife's. There is a psychological term which means tormenting and this is what she's doing. I can't use that term because it has a swear word in it. It's in the list of behaviours that narcissists do naturally. Not saying your wife is narcissistic but it's in there for some informative reading 🙂

You need peace now. Time and space for healing. Having a loving, supportive relationship with your wife (W) could have helped. But not what she's doing now.

You can call the 1800RESPECT helpline 24/7 and speak with a counsellor and / or psychologist who is more qualified to give you validation and direction. W is breaching your confidentiality at your workplace! I don't care if she works there too, this is your personal information and she is breaching it. There must be a workplace policy somewhere she is overstepping.

Concern is one thing but that is ridiculous. I'm glad your boss is concerned about your welfare ofcourse but that was up to you. Not her.

I am concerned that W may be trying to tear you down as Mr Paul mentioned. Her behaviour would look very different if she was supportive now.

I also have C-PTSD and am getting help. This situation would not be helping.

Tbh I would change the locks lol. I guess you can't unless the home is in your sole name. Maybe text her and simply say "If you plan to visit our house, please let me know the day (or week) before + which day and time". Then be out visiting a friend.

If you Google the 180 rule and Gray Rock Technique, there may be concrete strategies in there you'd like to try.

Peace to you.
EM

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest909 — Mon, 11 May 2020 09:14:57 GMT

Hi TBL

When a marriage breaks up strange things start to happen; the person that you thought you knew turns into someone else. My 30 year marriage ended 12 months ago; I still don't know what went wrong. When I asked for a reason, all I got was excuses, non of which made a lot of sense.

That being said, when your wife starts interfering in your workplace and calls the police then something is not right. If she were genuinely concerned about your welfare she would simple drop in or ask a mutual friend to drop in to see how you were going. She can't ask you to respect her wishes while she meddles in your business.

It might be prudent to keep a log of events and dates. It might be useful if things turn nasty during the property settlement.

cheers

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest_7403 — Mon, 11 May 2020 09:50:45 GMT

I honestly have no idea what today was about. I haven't spoken to her in a week as she requested.

And I've made no indications that I am having any mental issues at present.

I think she was pretending to be caring even after leaving to others that know me. But she has been nothing but caring over the last 4 weeks...she has been cut throat and finalising with no regard for my feelings only her own.

Today was just a show she was putting on to my work colleagues

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

ecomama — Mon, 11 May 2020 11:46:40 GMT

Okay what you said gives more food for thought, including Mr Paul's words on it.

Well done for maintaining No Contact. Even as Mr Paul put it, with W "meddling" in your affairs. You're doing excellent work.

I know that legally no one needs to give 'cause' for divorcing but it's just weird when someone doesn't.

Sounds like you are both describing the "narcissistic discard" phase. Narcissistic abuse can wreak havoc with ones mental health.

I think Mr Paul and I are in tune with this because of our experiences. And I agree to log these events in a Diary and keep it somewhere secure. Even showing you a 'pattern of events' but it may help in legal matters, in Family Law and otherwise.

I hope you're doing okay today?

Keep well.
EM

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest_7403 — Mon, 11 May 2020 12:08:03 GMT

I feel pretty good thanks, everyday away from her now I feel stronger and healthier.

I do wonder how significant a role she has played in my illness worsening considerably over the last 3 years.

She caused issues with my friends of over 20 years to the point I could no longer speak to them.

She drove a wedge between my mother and sister to the point I had to cut communication

And she made it impossible for me to co-parent with my ex to the point i had to go to court for access to them, when I never had this problem before....only after she got involved.

These were very stressful events for me and worsened over the years to a point of complete alienation I guess.

Since shes left, I've reached out to friends and they've accepted my apology and want to meet up, my family is supporting me again and my ex I co-parent with has apologised for all that happened and has been helping me process all of my feelings and supporting my recovery for our girls.

I'm not sure if shes a narcissist as she lacks certain aspects of it that make a true narc

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest909 — Mon, 11 May 2020 22:26:36 GMT

Hi TBL

Your last sentence, "I'm not sure if shes a narcissist as she lacks certain aspects of it that make a true narc", is an interesting one. It might be true; it might be false; you will never really know if you wife is a narc or not. It's not always possible to put someone in a nice, neat, tidy box with a label on it.

That being said, it might be helpful to look at what has happened over the course of your married. Given the issues that you have identified with family and friends, I think it fair to say that your wife has had a negative impact on your life and your condition. Your wife's post separation behaviour is only a continuation of the problems you had in the marriage.

I get the feeling you are on the mend!

cheers

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

ecomama — Mon, 11 May 2020 22:39:17 GMT

wow borderline... you are really seeing things more clearly and repairing past damage to your relationships, WOW, good on you for SEEING the damaged relationships and reaching out to heal them! AWESOME acknowledgements and freaking awesome ACTIONS.

I'm gonna be just like you too when I grow up! lolol. What a guy 🙂

I smiled at your 1st point - feeling pretty good... yay.
Nodded at your second - yah... I think so too..
frowned sadly at your 3rd point - friends! oh dear ...
gobsmacked at your 4th point - FAMILY crikeys!
AGHAST at your 5th point - OMG not the kids too! Court omg YUCK, been there done that awful..

and it's a sad realisation when you see that ONE person can wreak havoc, and when you're in it, you're wondering what the hell is going on in my life? Why is this happening when it's never happened before?

I call it the 'one common factor' and you've found it!
I also call it the 'bushfire of life' and after the common factor is taken out, then regrowth can occur. The look of the bush / our life may look quite different afterwards but the healthiest and strongest trees return (stalwart family and friends) with vigour and wildlife returns too over time (the fun and joy in our lives).

High five brother! You've got this. I feel so good for you now. May your strength, courage and wisdom guide you.
EM

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

ecomama — Mon, 11 May 2020 22:53:13 GMT

Hi guys
I agree about the narc comment I made and I am not qualified to make that diagnosis. She may or may not be, ofcourse.

To me it's "Oxygen mask on self first" and whatever strategies I can learn in dealing with a difficult person is empowering and whatever promotes action to resolve, then good. Google has been my friend in these instances 🙂

But, in the absence of professional diagnoses lol "if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck - it's a duck" to me or perhaps "ducklike" 🙂

W is quite ducklike. Narcissism has a spectrum but it's only helpful thinking this way if we can use strategies to help us along our journey. It's not for blame or whatever, only to help us make realisations and get on with it. We can tackle it better if we can see the forest for trees.

Honestly the person I thought was a narc in my life was actually a narcissistic psychopath so I was WAY off. I've given people the 'benefit of the doubt' way too much before. Now it's easy lol.

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

geoff — Tue, 12 May 2020 00:03:50 GMT

Hello Theborderline, I too am very sorry for what has been happening and agree with Mr Paul and EM and what is happening, and believe what she is doing, is that she's playing the game with you.

This is certainly not the way for you to get any better.

Geoff.

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest_7403 — Tue, 12 May 2020 00:19:51 GMT

Thanks guys I'm doing my best to move on alone, but am terrified of starting my life again at 36.

I'll be working fulltime again in 4 weeks,
I've signed up to a bachelor of psychology science at university,
I'll be starting the PTSD out program when it returns after covid and starting a psych trauma specialist on the 25th this month.

And I'll be doing dbt at a clinic later this year after the ptsd program.

I've got all these things lined up and some positive things to look forward too, but I am struggling to comprehend my marriage being over and being alone.

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest909 — Tue, 12 May 2020 01:19:15 GMT

Hi TBL

A few comments!

"but am terrified of starting my life again at 36"

That is exactly what I am doing in my 60's. It's even harder when you don't know why the marriage failed in the first place.

"but I am struggling to comprehend my marriage being over and being alone."

Those are the thoughts of a rational person; unfortunately you wife does not think that way.

From what you have shared, I'm guessing that your marital problems will get worse before they improve. I'm not trying to be negative, just a realist.

I'm currently going through a "high conflict divorce" that has dragged on for 12 months and will most likely drag on for another year or two. When you are dealing with a spouse with an unknown personality disorder every minor, insignificant issue turns into a major drama.

As I said previously, keep a good log of events and dates, you may need them once legal proceeding begin.

Cheers

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

ecomama — Tue, 12 May 2020 04:44:00 GMT

Crikeys you guys, it's really going on for both of you right now.

TBL omg THIRTY SIX? Come on man, really! reverse that number and you'd be close to my age lol. Basically you're really covering this caper. You are INCREDIBLE in the way you've sought support, put it in place and now beginning study too? wow.

Sorry but the marriage being over will probably turn out to be a really positive thing, you may be thankful one day that it only lasted 3y, I was glad mine ended but it was a lot longer. Hate saying it but there it is. On an emotional level you may have grief to process as well as working things out for your life. List the positive, supportive people in your life and add your kids lol and there is your support network plus here. You'll probably meet lots of wonderful people in your courses who become friends too. Who knows? The world is your oyster 🙂

Mr Paul ughhh yep I'm feeling for you right now too. Acrimonious divorces are NOT the way to go but when the other party has hatred or $$ for brains, well we have to get through that tunnel. Mine took 5y in Courts, but I cleverly crafted preparation with a billion calls and reading thousands of pages of Family Law. Thank God for my counsellor. All over now, I "won" basically. There are no real winners in Family Law Court but exH would've been sorry he ever lodged and did everything possible to drag it out.

"Water finds it's own level" and with some, it's a swamp. ExH is slurping around over there in some swamp. We have water views.. lol... literally and figuratively.

Google was my friend. The 180 technique and Gray Rock were brilliant allies in my journey. No Contact was better.

Hang in there, it gets much better on the other side.
EM

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest909 — Tue, 12 May 2020 08:49:47 GMT

Hi EM

Yikes! Please tell me that the five years was a typo.

Do you have any tips on how to deal with a high conflict spouse; I would like to get the legal matters out of the way before I end up in a nursing home.

After multiple threats of an AVO/DVO/IVO that amounted to nought, my "good wife" has now decided to playing the "Kennon card". Her Kennon argument will fail, but it will succeed in running up unnecessary legal costs and delaying settlement that should have been sorted 6 month ago.

Every day is a new adventure!

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

ecomama — Tue, 12 May 2020 09:58:19 GMT

Mr Paul, yes c5 years in 4 Courts from sep'n to divorce / settlement. No typo. 😞

A lady I know is in 9th year. Over $250k legals. Another I know cost her $500k in legals.

Kennon hey, lucky you. I understand that usually FL judges aren't interested if there is no evidence to show. Yet another tactic to wear you down, drag it out, so you give in & walk away.

I used my own tactics that worked INCREDIBLY well. I should write a book, that's how many tactics I used. Zero alcohol. Steely focus. Relaxed demeanour. Always dress up to the 9s. Look extremely professional when you go to Court. I had a wheely bag with all my docs in them and everyone thought I was a lawyer lol.

ZERO eye contact with ex at all times. Zero eye contact with anyone ex is with. Put your back to her at all times outside Courts.

I put photos on FB that were of a completely different time. I saved them for during the FL Court period. Sure ex was not a 'FB friend' but people can breach virtually any walls on FB, ask a teenager! They can! This perplexed and confused ex, he saw them. I even texted friends he didn't know and asked them to comment on our photos.

IT SHOWED CONFIDENCE. Apathy to all things Law. I was the complete opposite.

But I NEVER looked at anything, ever on any social media of exes. Steely focus.

I spent a year with the help of a brilliant friend who put ALL of my data into graph form.
Earnings of each party etc. About 5 different graphs showing different things relating to FL affecting %. This was in preparation for Trial (but I wanted to avoid trial) and kept the confidence going to make ex + lawyer THINK that I was heading for Trial.

I made my lawyer send ALL the graphs 2 days before a hearing, because I had had enough. Basically my lawyer said no but I forced it. Other party crumbled with the graphs. They had all the evidence proving the graphs. I had given it to them.

In a FLC I heard a high priced Barrister say "Oh judges LOVE graphs", I thought are you kidding? No they weren't. I saw the graphs. The graph guy won. Hence spending a year getting graphs together.

I had my lawyer engage a Barrister from Chambers across the road from the FLC. This cut my legals by c75%. By default it also intimidated ex and it's lawyer.

I completed every Hardship Application available. Sometimes it was rejected and sometimes twice rejected but I added more paperwork & even more paperwork and every single one was granted. IE for Court fees.

EM

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

quirkywords — Tue, 12 May 2020 10:54:19 GMT

Theborderline

I am sorry to her you are having problems with your ex wife but pleased you have a plan top move forward that involves studying.

You have helped others on this forum. I had an ex tell everyone that my mental illness was the reason our marriage did not work. Maybe it was a small part but I was well and managing . It is easy for people to tell others things they will believe.

I can understand you trying it hard to understand that your marriage is over when you are trying hard to plan ahead.

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest_7403 — Sat, 16 May 2020 01:47:17 GMT

Really struggling to get myself going, feel like my life has just stopped....my hopes of her reaching out to say she's made a mistake are fading by the day and with it I become more negative and withdrawn from life

Stopped cleaning the house, barely exercising and no drive to follow through with my treatments. Feel like I'm getting worse not better.

It's been 17 days since I've seen her

Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

quirkywords — Sat, 16 May 2020 06:43:58 GMT

Borderline,

It must be so hard when she wont even talk to you let alone see you. I am so sorry you are struggling.

You wrote this 5 days ago. everyday away from her now I feel stronger and healthier.

I do wonder how significant a role she has played in my illness worsening considerably over the last 3 years.

You also wrote that people had accept your apologies, your family is supportive and you were co parenting again with your ex.

You also mentioned about future studies plan.

I am wondering if you what has happened since you wrote those sentences . Was it one thing or that feeling of grief and loss that the marriage may really be other.

Are you still planning on study ?