topic New relationship after divorce. in Relationship and family issues

New relationship after divorce.

Deckt — Fri, 17 Jan 2020 23:58:17 GMT

I'm torn about this. I don't want to think that others have been in this situation, but need advice.

My ex-wife and I have been separated for 5 years, divorced for 3. We have a good working relationship, and agreed when we separated that we would put aside our personal issues, and do what was best for our sons.

I am out of work due to chronic health issues. Accordingly, I meet my child support requirements with a combination of financial and care needs. Specifically, I pay for my kids private health insurance, and care for them before and after school. My boys live full time with their mum - this is a good arrangement for them, for her and for me. In addition, I take them in the (rare) event that she has an evening out, or needs to go away for work.

The issue is with my new partner. She has the impression that I go 'above and beyond' to support my ex-wife. I have tried to explain to her many times that this is not the case, and on the contrary, I do very little. It is rare that our plans conflict with my parenting duties.

I have suggested that we go to counselling, and if the counsellor agreed that I am being unreasonable, to make changes. She is not willing to agree to the same.

Has anyone else had similar issues?

Thanks in advance.

New relationship after divorce.

Happilyneverafter — Sat, 18 Jan 2020 02:55:21 GMT

You are ensuring your children are well cared for, you are being a parent. I don’t think your new partner understands this. Just because you and your wife divorced, doesn’t mean you divorced your children. I am on the opposite end, my husband ran off with the ow and she doesn’t want children in her life, so he has effectively chosen her over his own children. They have had zero contact for over a year and I can tell you, it destroyed them. You are the adult here and honestly your new partner doesn’t really have the right to tell you how to be a parent. I think they are just jealous and being very unreasonable. I hope this helps.

New relationship after divorce.

Deckt — Sat, 18 Jan 2020 03:14:01 GMT

Thank you. It helps a lot. I can't turn my back on my children. My bio father did the same. I haven't spoken with him in thirty years, and he's never met his grandchildren.

I'm glad to hear that you think I'm being reasonable. I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

New relationship after divorce.

SoloDad — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 05:14:11 GMT

It honestly sounds like you have met someone jellous and controlling. You shouldn't change your approach, heck I wouldn't even get a 3rd party involved like a counselor, your approach to co-parenting is healthy for your kids and that shouldn't be on the table as an issue.

New relationship after divorce.

Deckt — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 07:18:27 GMT

Thanks mate.

That's how I've felt, but it's easy to lose perspective when you're being constantly undermined and belittled.

New relationship after divorce.

white knight — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 07:38:55 GMT

Hi, welcome

Great replies here to date,

In 14 years I never missed a payment of child support even though twice I was unemployed. Two daughters 7 and 4yo when we separated, but we didnt have the "work together" ethic you have with your ex. It only takes one to hold a bitter grudge and you lose that.

At any rate when my youngest reached 15yo she needed $15,000 of dental care, jaw realignment etc. I paid it on the basis that medical care is essential and my ex only worked part time. What I didnt know is she also had a large inheritance in the years before. She was also still sour from the split 11 years earlier.

When my youngest turned 18 in September of a given year my ex wrote to child support to insist I pay the last 10 weeks of child support until the end of the school year, something she is entitled to do. I pointed out to her that I'd paid $15,000 towards our daughters jaw and the least she could do is not chase that poultry amount. That's when the nastiness came out.

My point is this- I agree with the members opinions above, but charity begins at home also. In your case, if you suffer any financial difficulty I hope your ex wife will understand and help you pay for that private health insurance. That is my only concern because that amount should be co shared. The same with school fees, I paid them yearly - private primary school when my ex never appreciated it- they should ahve been co shared.

Anyway thought that was important to be aware that you can go over board.

However, these arrangements should not be the concern of your new GF. Her influence and interference is unacceptable. This "control" is the tip of a deep iceberg and when your sons become adults it wont stop there, they will need the odd occasion of support be it emotional, financial or other and she will interfere.

She is unwilling to join you in counseling as she does not want a third party with awareness to witness her techniques.

I'm sorry, I dont think your relationship with this person is suitable. I speak from experience, my ex GF for 10 years never accepted my kids, never wanted them on holidays with us and got angry if I even gave them pocket money. Yet she smothered her own children with gifts all the time. It lasted 10 years, 9 years too long.

TonyWK

New relationship after divorce.

Deckt — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 10:01:08 GMT

Thanks mate.

I really appreciate your thoughtful response. It's what I've heard from a lot of other people.

The underlying problem (which I didn't mention) is that these problems only seem to arise when she's drinking. When she's sober, she is kind and considerate of everyone. When she's drinking, she thinks only of herself.

I guess the follow-up question is...how long do I give her to get her act together re sobriety? I care for her a great deal, and fear for her if she goes on this way. I have made it clear recently that I can't have her in my life in any capacity until she gets help for her drinking problem. Is that a fair compromise?

New relationship after divorce.

GoodWitch — Sat, 25 Jan 2020 03:33:07 GMT

Hi Deckt,

I agree with the others that you are being a good co-parent. Even if you were going 'above and beyond' what would be wrong with that? They're your kids, the most important people in your life. Any new partner who comes along has to understand that your primary concern is your kids. If they don't...that doesn't bode well for the relationship going forward.

Now that you've mentioned the drinking I realise there is more at play here. She may well be wonderful when she's not drinking but if she's drinking a lot and/or getting nasty when she does, that is an issue she has to sort out. I think you're perfectly right to tell her she has to get help or she can't be in your life. Your priority is your children. You don't want them around someone with an alcohol problem given the choice.

I hope your partner gets the help she needs. And that afterward maybe, if you love each other, you could start fresh. If not she may not be the person for you.

Best

New relationship after divorce.

Deckt — Sat, 25 Jan 2020 05:21:33 GMT

Thanks GW.

I do love her very much, and care about her welfare. But you are right. I need to take care of my kids, and I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't get that, much less support me.

New relationship after divorce.

Deckt — Wed, 05 Feb 2020 11:51:58 GMT

Hi guys,

My on/off partner has some very narcissistic tendencies. We haven't spoken in three weeks, after she left (again) because I won't spend less time with my children, or enable her alcoholism. She lies about me, and to me. I've seen this pattern so many times before. She gets angry and storms off (usually arguments about my children, or her drinking), and I'm left to pick up the pieces. I've told her that the only thing I can do for her right now is to get help with her sobriety.

She called tonight and left a voicemail, wanting to meet tomorrow to "talk". From experience, this means that she's lonely and/or bored, and wants attention. I'm really torn about what to do. I want to see her, but I feel like giving in too quickly will be counter-productive to helping her realise that she needs to get sober, and probably some psychiatric help.

Any advice for how I should handle this?

New relationship after divorce.

Guest_1584 — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 06:49:32 GMT

So pleased to hear you haven;'t let you sons down and stand your ground , for you and for them, never ever lose that.

l was faced with similar with a new partner after divorce , no drinking problem but def' attempts of manipulation me away from my daughter and def' away from ex. Not on , just no way in hell. lt started a few days after we first met told her then and never wavered . Eventually she came around to the type of dad l will always be and even started showing interest so that kind of opened the door better for me to talk about my daughter and kind of let the gf in more. She even started being really helpful with advice and loved hearing about how she's going and stuff.

Mind you , l was often a bit suspicious and worried it might be tricks but we split up in the end anyway. My partner now has been 100% supportive from day one and loves that l'm a good dad and there for her and look after her.

Sorry not sure if yu should go so soon , did you go , how did it work out ?

New relationship after divorce.

Deckt — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 07:05:09 GMT

Thanks for your response.

I know... it's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. Apart from making sure I'm doing what's best for my sons. I didn't respond at all to her call. I figure that if she's genuine, she'll try harder, and actually start with an apology. She's not super great at ever admitting that she's wrong. Just got to stay strong, I guess...

I mean - I get insecurity because I'm still in touch with my ex. But there is zero interest from either of us in getting back together. The only reason that we're on speaking terms at all is because we have kids together. And that's all we talk about. Meanwhile, she is friends with ALL of her exes. I don't have a problem with this, because I'm not insecure. It just seems to be a bit of a ridiculous double-standard?

New relationship after divorce.

Happilyneverafter — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 07:58:35 GMT

Do some research on how narcs opperate. She is hoovering with the false apology. And yes you are spot on, she’s lonely. Going no contact is the only way. It’s hard as hell, but for your own mental health and healing. She will continue her spiral with or without you and eventually drag you down with her.

New relationship after divorce.

Deckt — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 08:05:50 GMT

Yeah... that's what I suspect too. Every article I've read on malignant narcissists fits her very well. It's probably stupid, but I just don't want to believe it. I think that she's more likely BPD. For some people, I guess there's not much different. I feel like she's pushing at me to spend less time with my kids and with friends because she's insecure. It could just be what I want to believe though... borderlines can be treated. Narcs, not so much.

I'm in a no-contact mindset at the moment. I didn't respond to her call. One complication is that she left me three weeks ago. All of her things are still at my house, and we got a dog together. She wants her things, and wants to see our dog. I've told her that she can come and get her things - she has made appointments to do so, and just not shown up. Of course, she then blamed me, accusing me of not being home, or not answering the door. Not true, but how do you argue with outright denial of reality?

Anyways. Thanks for your thoughts and replies. I appreciate all opinions.

New relationship after divorce.

Guest_1584 — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 12:07:35 GMT

oh brother , l was a bit worried about that too thought no leave it alone. That partner of mine was bpd as best l could tell, she wouldn't see anyone. But yeah be very careful of her with your sons if you do keep seeing her, they will try to separate you., l never intoe'd her to my daughter bc l just didn't know what she might do.

If you find say 2 or 3 legit sites ran by real clinics they'll have tests you can answer . lt's not a proper diagnosis but if she scores higher end on all 3 well, it'll give you a pretty good idea.

Good luck anyway

New relationship after divorce.

Deckt — Tue, 11 Feb 2020 23:27:36 GMT

I'm not doing so great today.

I just feel so alone and abandoned. I mean... I know that she's manipulating me, but when you spend almost three years with someone, you still miss them when they are gone. I haven't seen her in almost a month now. In theory, her stuff is getting picked up next weekend. I'm torn between wanting to get it all gone, and move on with my life, and her finding an excuse not to come. Even though this is likely to just be more manipulation.

I hate having to be strong, when all I want is to hold her. I can't even tell her this, because (from past experience) she'll use it as an excuse to keep using me. I just want her to get help and return to being the loving person that she is when she's not drinking.

New relationship after divorce.

Guest_1584 — Wed, 12 Feb 2020 13:49:39 GMT

l'm sorry man , and l wasn't saying they were the same l'm no expert , but only that there seemed at least some big similarities though . l know it's not an easy thing not easy at all though. There's much more to the story of my ex but l'll just say l never thought l'd love again after divorce before l met her and we broke up and tried again many times but in the end l just had to walk away. But , that was my sitch /

Anyway hang in there and do what you think is best for you l guess.

New relationship after divorce.

Deckt — Fri, 21 Feb 2020 08:00:33 GMT

I'm really not doing so good tonight. I miss her so much, but I know that I can't back down on her drinking problem. I want to wait for her to realise that she needs help, but I don't know if that will ever happen.

What am I supposed to do now? I have nothing to look forward to. I feel so alone.

New relationship after divorce.

Guest_1584 — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 13:36:27 GMT

Sorry things are so low, l spent nearly 4yrs totally alone after my marriage so l sure know what that's like, but you ride it out , it passes in time , things change, new, olds, life, stuff, anything can change in a heartbeat right . Not talking about the gf there more just life, alone, everything. Gf though , so is it all only when she drinks is it, like is she normal and fine when she's not drinking , or just worse when she is drinking or ? .

Do you think she'd except your help to quit when she's not drinking or ? l mean if she's fine sober , if she would then maybe things might progress beet with your help.

Sorry , just thoughts really , l'm far from an expert. Hang in there though eh.