topic Should I keep our baby.... in Relationship and family issues

Should I keep our baby....

Mummy_leen — Mon, 22 Jul 2019 13:59:51 GMT

Hi all I really need to get some insight to opinions. I’m stuck in a pickle and not really sure what to do.

Basically I’ve got two children 10 and 6 with my partner and we have been together for close to 13 years now and like all relationships we have had a fair share of issues.

Recently we ran back into the same problem as we did 5 years ago which was the same issue that was about to pull us apart. However we worked through it and it wasn’t easy.

Once this his issue occurred he did have a thought and asked me out of the blue if I would consider having a third child and at the time I said I wasn’t sure if I was ready to have another child yet. Ideally two was always good for us but I felt he wanted to I don’t know secure me or made sure I was locked down to three kids with him. Or maybe he really wanted a third child and I haven’t being giving it any thought.

A month later I found out I was pregnant expecting our third child. Just to paint the picture I had taken a morning after pill and a IUD was inserted not knowing I was pregnant a few weeks into the pregnancy and I didn’t know I was either until a week the iud was in place I felt morning sickness.

i took a test and went to the GP to be sure it came back positive I was about 6 weeks at this stage. The problem I have is he wanted to leave this relations before he found out I was pregnant and once he did he find out he still wanted to so he can have his own space.

we sat down and discuss about the baby to me I thought it was a blessing in disguise and maybe this was a great way to rekindle everything however he insist that I terminate the pregnancy because he no longer wants to be apart of this family that we built.

Im about 11 weeks now and since our discussion but at 9 weeks he hasn’t said much about it and he said if I go through with it he will support me but he won’t be around as he still wants to leave. He does think of I keep the baby it’s only to trap in which is not my intentions. I believe that this baby was a miracle and it happened for a reason.

this baby survived the pill and the removal of the IUD. It’s a surivior!!!

The problem i face is raising three kids on my own, I do have family that can help but I can’t put the burden on them.

I really want to keep this baby but I don’t know what the future will hold and I’m worried I can’t give the best to all three kids.

Please give me some advice I need to make a decision to terminate or keep it....

lost and confused.. heart broken

Should I keep our baby....

smallwolf — Mon, 22 Jul 2019 21:35:32 GMT

Hi Mummy leen,

welcome to beyond blue.

unfortunately I won't be able to give an answer you might be looking for, but I will throw out a number of questions that might help you. Decisions such as these are quite big, and at the end of it all, you have to be able to move forward with that decision. Similarly, you should not be pressured into making any decision about your pregnancy. It might also be useful to get information and from people won’t judge you about your decision - perhaps your GP might be able to refer you to an organisation where you can discuss the options honestly. And if you decided to keep the child, I would have thought your partner would support the child financially while growing up.

There are lots of questions to reflect on, but I notice that you said that you wanted to keep the baby. The other thing is that I have to keep telling myself is that the future is unknown. And what is the "best"? There will most likely be struggles, but if you are loving them, and doing _your_ best, that is all that can be asked for.

With that said, here are some questions...

Would I consider adoption?
Is anyone pressuring me to have or not have an abortion?
Would having a baby change my life in a way I do or don’t want?
Would having an abortion change my life in a way I do or don’t want?
What kind of support would I need and get if I decided to get an abortion?
What kind of support would I need and get if I decided to have a baby?

Some of these questions you have already answered in your post, but worth repeating. Also state government web site also have information and links that might be useful. The one in QLD is

https://www.health.qld.gov.au/news-alerts/news/termination-of-pregnancy-abortion-in-queensland-everything-you-need-to-know

Sorry if I did not answer your question, but I am not in a position to tell you what you what to do. But I can chat, and listen.

Tim

Should I keep our baby....

Mummy_leen — Fri, 26 Jul 2019 16:30:16 GMT

Hello small wolf

Thank you for those words it made me open my eyes more as to what you have said.

The question you asked me about if anyone is pressuring me to go through the abortion it would have to be the partner. He keep presisting that he does not want this child and that even if the child exist he would like to move out and have his own space. Which means away from the kids and myself.

I don’t understand what his thinking about but it’s frustrating for me As my future is uncertain right now with the two current kids and the third one on the way.

i love kids and I love the kids I have at the moment and having the third one will change my lifestyle a lot especially if I’m raising three kids on my own. Luckily enough my sister and brother did mention that they will assist but on occasions as they have their own family themselves. I feel guilty having this baby if my sister and brother has to help raise someone’s child. As I will still need to go back to work to provide for the children.

My concern is the financially and will I be able to set time aside to raise all three properly on my own.

If I did go through the abortion I don’t really have any support and yes i think it will change my life and mental thinking as I know I will always regret this decision. Who will be there to support me ... well the partner won’t he hasn’t been very supportive to my emotions at the moment he ignores the topic and instead of asking me how I’m feeling he just wants to know what’s happening with the baby.

Deep down inside while i’m writing this my heart is breaking as this is a child that is not wanted by his/her father and the fact that I do want to keep it makes it so much harder for. He has booked in with a clinic for the termination already and in his words “i’m Sorry , but I will be there with you for the whole time”.

I have tried to tell him how I feel about this topic but before I can speak he jumps down my throat and cuts me off with what I have to say.

If I continue with abortion I will struggle with the lost of an inoccent life which I will regret. And if continue with the pregnancy I may regret it or I’m worried that I cannot handle this and regret as well.

Im so stuck..... I can’t think and I feel that I can’t make a choice that will make me happy. Why can’t this be easier ....

Should I keep our baby....

Beatit — Fri, 26 Jul 2019 20:32:01 GMT

Breathe breathe breathe. For what it's worth. Children need love and stability as well as life's fundamentals, housing, clothing, healthy food, education. Think about whether you can provide all these things adequately. I know you can provide love how difficult will it be to provide the other essentials on your own.

Should I keep our baby....

quirkywords — Fri, 26 Jul 2019 22:43:40 GMT

Mummy Leen,

I can feel from your post the anguish this decision is causing you.

You are under pressure from your partner and you also worry how you will cope with 3 children and how you will cope if you have a termination.

It is a very personal decision that only you alone can make .

Many years ago a friend confined in me that she was pregnant and she had 2 young children. She also suffered from depression and her husband and mother did not want her to continue with the pregnancy. While her husband would stay in the Marriage if she kept the child, he was not at all helpful with the children and saw it all as her duty.

My friend like you felt stuck and of course her situation was different and she chose to go ahead with the pregnancy. She said it was such a difficult decision and it was hard with 3 children but she felt it was her decision.

I know a woman who have decided not to go ahead with a fourth pregnancy as one of her children had special needs and my friend had physical problems as well. She felt she made the right decision.

I feel for you and the decision you have to make, do you have a GP you can talk to.

It isn’t easy to make such a decision but it must be yours .

maybe there is. It a choice that will make you happy but a choice that you will able to accept as being your choice.

Thanks for your honesty and keep posting here as much as you want.

Quirky

Should I keep our baby....

smallwolf — Sat, 27 Jul 2019 01:14:02 GMT

Hi again,

You mentioned your brother and sister in your reply would help you a bit. Did they give you any advice on what to do? It is an incredibly hard decision to make, more so when your husband and yourself have differing opinions. It also sounds like your husband just wants you to terminate without real explanation. I don't know if it would make any difference, but rather than telling you what to do, be able to work it out together. Perhaps he is thinking back to what happened 5 years ago, and you seemed to have coped?

The other theme in your posts is your concern about whether you can raise the children on your own. Unfortunately nobody knows what will happen in the future. I wish I could tell you everything would be OK (or not) but that is impossible. (FWIW, I would like to know how things would turn out for myself)

Up to now, the only options seem to be having a baby vs termination. A third option might be adoption? I don't really know the process here, but something you could talk about with your husband and other professionals.

My final thought/question relates to abortion, and perhaps not a question to answer here but ... what are your thoughts abortion? Is it bad? Would you feel bad? Guilt?

As much as I hate cliches, at the end of the day, you need to be able to make a decision you are comfortable with, even if that requires some support afterwards. If I could make a suggestion, I would hope you could talk to someone about the decision - perhaps your GP could refer you to someone?

Tim

Should I keep our baby....

quirkywords — Sun, 28 Jul 2019 02:42:50 GMT

Mummy Leen,

tim has given you much to think about.

I wonder how you are feeling now?

Late discovery adoptee, welcome to the forum.

I can see by the strength in your words that you feel strongly about adoption and have suffered through your life.

I am sorry you had this experience.

My brother was adopted at birth and is and always has been a much loved part of my family. He has never wanted to make contact with his birth family.

He has not suffered depression or mental illness while I have. I realise many adopted children had bad experiences but not every one did.

You may want to start your own thread , so people can discuss whatever topics you want to, with you.

Quirky

Should I keep our baby....

Mummy_leen — Sun, 28 Jul 2019 21:09:01 GMT

Thank you for your kind words quirkywords the painful experience is not one I wish anyone to go through.

thank you for your advice and sharing your stories as well gives me an insight to what others may have gone through and your friend that kept the baby is very brave and lucky for her the marriage stayed where as mine is on the rocks and he has mentioned to me on a number of occasions that with the baby in the picture he still wants to move out. I honestly don’t know what to expect of this relationship.

i have been seeing my GP regualar and she’s been great giving me a lot of points to consider as well as my counseller. Both these professionals having been talking me through this to try and give me things to consider before I make a decision. One of the things they said to me was to sit down and write out 5 reasons I should keep the baby and 5 reasons not to.

it turned out that there was more reasons not to keep it. The best reason I had to keep it was that I love this child and I want to protect it. So after this excersise it made me realise something is it really not meant to be? If the relationship was stable I would be keeping this child for sure because I know in mind I have support from the father. At the moment the thought of bringing a child into this world where the father does not want it seems very cruel to him/her. If this was my first child I would keep it for sure and raising two kids is quite a handful let alone being one more into the picture that is a newborn and needs all my time.

these moments where I think I’ve decided not to proceed but then when I think about it my heart starts to break and shatter. Will I regret this decision? Of course I will and can I forgive myself for doing this to my child?

its like test to see how I would survive through this. My counsellor wanted me to logically think about this decision for long term and like what everyone is saying how it would affect me and my lifestyle.

I’m scared that I will be judged for not prroceeding with the baby. But I’m scared that this baby won’t get a proper family and will blame me when he/she grows ups and I regret it for the rest of my life.

Should I keep our baby....

smallwolf — Mon, 29 Jul 2019 04:07:25 GMT

Hi Mummy leen,

Can I just say that you have to do whatever feels right for you. And this also relates to feeling scared about being judged. Nobody else is in your position, know what it is like for you etc. There will be no sticker or badge that tells other people what you have done or will do. The only people who will know are those you choose to tell. Also remember that you have a counsellor to talk through things as well, and this includes those things that you are concerned about in the future, such as forgiving yourself, or regrets for the rest of your life.

These decisions are hard, and with whatever the decision was/is there are consequences. And with the assistance of your counsellor and the users on the forum here, you will make it the next stage, in whatever time it takes.

Should I keep our baby....

quirkywords — Mon, 29 Jul 2019 04:44:17 GMT

Mummy leen

Predicting the future is always difficult as there are so many variables.

I realise you would like a guarantee of who the future will be and how you will cope or how you will feel if you decide not to keep the baby.

It is your decision and you know deep down what is right for you. As Tim said there are consequences for whatever decision you decide. There is no judgment here and we are here to support you.

As a mum we judge ourselves harshly and compare ourselves with others. In the end we do our best and that's all we get do.

I am thinking of you and trust you will make the decision that is right for you.

Quirky

Should I keep our baby....

Mummy_leen — Thu, 01 Aug 2019 10:10:37 GMT

Hi all I’ve had some time to think and I’ve had so much to think about.

Ive spoken to doctors and stuff and I think I’ve made a decision to terminate this pregnancy. It would work out for my current children as I can provide them all my full attention especially when I have been told today by the partner that he will not be staying and insist that he will be moving out for good.

My heart has been breaking the whole week. I’ve been crying myself to sleep and crying when I think about what my life and what it could be with the new addition to the family. It’s heart breaking and I’m going to be responsible of three children. I know deep down inside I won’t be able to move on to my next chapter in life with this decision as long as I don’t think about it.

I was given some advice and it’s always the same thing that I could do so much better than what I am in today. He has born been supportive of this and no one thinks it’s worthwhile for my to put myself through all this drama and not be or feel appreciated.

he has made a firm decision to move on with his life and not be apart of this whole baby. I keep this baby to remind me of him and how it was such and will be a battle of the future.

Im currently 34 years of age and not young anymore I don’t know if I can make it on my own with keeping the baby.

I dont know if my reasons are ons are good enough to give up this child or am I self fish to think about myself?

Ive booked in the clinic for tomorrow and I’m scared about this whole thing.

Should I keep our baby....

Mummy_leen — Thu, 01 Aug 2019 12:02:04 GMT

Thank you for your words.

Im glad I have some other insights and just some advice on the side. I’m seeking professional help to guide me through all of this. I don’t think I could have done this without speaking to anyone. I’ve had a good session of crying before and it feels better to let all the emotions out then go hold back.

I held my son son to sleep and why he laid there I asked him how he would feel if Mummy had another child by the way his 10 years old. His response was ... Mummy it’s already very hard on you to manage us two as children and I can see you work very hard. If you have another child it means you work even harder and o don’t get to see you.

When he sais aid that I knew this decision not to keep it is the most logic sense. He was right I put in so many hours in my job because it requires a lot of work as I’m in sales. The more I put in the more I get back but it’s the pressure of the environment I don’t stay back on purpose. My heart sank.... without a partner how was I going to make it work? How would these kids grow up and already not have a father but a mum that’s not home till late.

Logically is doesnf make sense to keep it but deep in my heart I want it I love children.

Maybe its its fate that this wasn’t meant to be. This is another hurdle in life for me to overcome.

Should I keep our baby....

smallwolf — Thu, 01 Aug 2019 12:25:50 GMT

I don't think that any of these decisions are easy - in fact, probably the hardest. I know the next analogy does not compare with what you must be going through, but when you (read me) are told to quit your job because it is not mentally healthy for you. And try as you might, you want to be able to see into the future to see how things pan out. Even after going through this process with your counsellor, the arguments and counter-arguments in your head can make you second guess every decision you have made.

Remember that you still have counsellor that can help you through this. Perhaps there are support groups you might be able to contact for additional support. Perhaps you could write yourself a letter that can be kept locked away until needed - to remind yourself to forgive you(rself) for whatever actions you decided, the decision was made for the right reasons.

Finally, “I am only human. I am doing the best I can.” Be kind and gentle with yourself; show yourself compassion.

Tim

Should I keep our baby....

Mummy_leen — Sat, 03 Aug 2019 01:35:06 GMT

Thank Tim and quirky just an update.

Unfortunately I have gone through with the procedure. I went to the clinic with uncertainty and the doctor sent me away. And I came back the next day after another deep long conversation with my close family. And I then could decide and be 100% confident that this was and will be the right thing to do.

I dont know how i ow I will feel. At the moment just very confused and lost. I will keep you all updated.

Should I keep our baby....

quirkywords — Sat, 03 Aug 2019 02:21:02 GMT

hello all,

mummy leen thanks for letting us know what you decided.

You have been through a lot lately and you need to just be for a while.

It is so soon so it will take time for you to process what has happened . Give yourself time and space.

Please be kind to yourself. Thanks for keeping us updated.

Quirky

Should I keep our baby....

Mummy_leen — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 11:35:36 GMT

Hi all,

im so glad that there is a place like this where we can share thoughts and experiences. I’m thankful there is no judging. It’s been a week and half since this has all happened and I now understand what the professional doctors was saying about making the right decision and the only one that has to deal with the pain and suffering is just me.

I’ve had such a rough week and it’s a lot harder than I had expected. I keep thinking about what if and unfortunately I don’t want to think about it but it happens in my head and I’ve had really bad insomnia already and after this it has made it worst.

I don’t know but I feel a real sense of guilt and I can’t seem to shake it off. It gets to me and it’s also affecting my performance at work. The pressure to be this perfect mum is so hard. I look at my kids and I’m focusing all my energy on them and making sure they turn out to be great kids.

My oldest child is very mature and I explained to him that Mummy has ben sick and that I need him to make sure to look after his sister and help me out. Because I’m very short tempered at the moment and I can’t seem to control my anger and depression. Mentally this was a lot harder and the pain inside my heart doesn’t want to go away.

I’m putting in a brave face as much as possible for the kids and my family.

The worst part is that the so called partner is just purely not supportive at all which is upsetting and disappointing. I’ve had nights which I get so upset that I can’t stop crying. And he turns to his side of the bed and goes to bed and actually sleeps. It’s from this I’ve learnt a hard lesson and that in life you can’t trust anyone to be there for you unless it’s your own blood. Anyone else is always going to be a stranger and if you don’t look after yourself no one else would.

Should I keep our baby....

smallwolf — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 11:57:42 GMT

Hi Mummy leen,

Will start with something I said in my previous post...

“I am only human. I am doing the best I can.” Be kind and gentle with yourself; show yourself compassion.

I know you would like to the be the perfect mum, but is that really possible? Doing the best we can is one thing, but doing literally everything without error would be for me impossible.

Secondly, and in relation to the bit on bold again, it will likely take some time the process what has happened. One week is not very long. and there is always the option of getting professional help if needed (as your husband does not sound very supportive towards you at the moment). But that is also something you could explain to him, and ask him about?

At the place you went to, did they give you any contact information or people you could speak to afterwards?

Right now, this is about you. I was given a mantra of sorts from my psychologist about making mistakes. And I have to repeat that whenever I need to. If you allow me, your mantra should be the words at the top of this post. Your kids love you, you are working to provide for them. You have an inner strength that will get you through this one day. Just take each day, one at a time.

Tim

Should I keep our baby....

quirkywords — Wed, 14 Aug 2019 10:17:15 GMT

Mummy keen,

I am sorry you are having a rough time.

Tim has given lots of support and I agree that you might consider contacting the place for post procedure counselling. Most pales offer some follow up and they would be able to help you.

I think you knew it would b hard. a friend who had the same procedure said the hardest time was the first few weeks after as she had spent ages trying to decide but she hadn’t planned whatbto afterwards.

I agree one day at a time, we are here for you to support you. Anytime you want to post feel free to.

I understand what it is like to have an unsupportive partner.

Quirky