topic Feels like im drowning in Relationship and family issues

Feels like im drowning

MissMel — Sat, 09 May 2020 00:57:20 GMT

Hi everyone,

My partner and I have been together for 16 years. We had a baby young, and our issues started then. We have always pushed through our issues, we never resolve anything and just move on.
We bought a house together 8 years ago, and then shortly after he started having issues with his back. His back causes him ALOT of pain, which makes him angry. Door slamming, yelling, and swearing are common our house. Our house is falling apart, and his back is always the reason things don't get done. Our huge yard is out of control and his family has offered to help clean it up, but he refuses.
When approached about the house, he tells me that he needs me to help get it all done. But I am overwhelmed with working full time, doing all the cooking and the cleaning. When I explain that to him, he says he is trying to help around the house, but the most he can do is feeding the pets because everything else hurts his back. Im left feeling like an unappreciated maid.
Ive been sleeping in the lounge for months. We have had some huge fights, and some things have been said that make me feel lower than ever. He has told me that im a bad person, that im lazy and that he regrets telling people that im supportive partner. Its also become clear that he is holding onto a night from 14 years ago when we were drunken kids, I broke up with him and was with someone else. We got back together a couple weeks later, but its still being brought up 14 years later.
We both have depression and anxiety which is hard. I know Im not blameless in is. When things get hard, I put walls up and shut down to protect myself.
I made the decision a couple weeks ago to move out and rent for 6 months. I suggested counselling months ago but was told that if I wanted it, I would have to pay for it. I have the support of my family and have signed the lease already. Its going down with him like a tonne of bricks. I've asked him to please let us trial it so we can try and heal ourselves. But he said if I leave, I won't be able to come back.
I can't sleep, I cant eat. Im always shaking and close to hyperventilating. I feel so guilty, like I'm abandoning him. He needs help too but I just can't give that to him. Im terrified that Im making a huge mistake and breaking our family up. Im trying to get help. Ive seen my GP and started a mental health plan and I've made an appointment for myself with Relationships Australia. I love him so much and im heart broken but I also cant go on like this.

Feels like im drowning

Guest909 — Sat, 09 May 2020 02:13:25 GMT

Hi Miss Mel

I wish my soon-to-be ex was as wise as you!

From what you have shared, I would say that you are doing all the right things. When someone like yourself admits and acknowledges that they are not "blameless", then the blame most likely lies elsewhere.

I can understand your husband's frustration with a bad back; I have lived with the condition for 40 years. I cannot stand for more than 5-10 minutes at any one time, but I did not let it defeat me. I did not use my condition as an excuse to wreck the house or to abuse those around me. I worked full time; when at home I devoted all of my efforts to the renovation all four houses that we lived in. My point is, a bad back is no excuse for your husband's behaviour.

If you want to save the marriage I would suggest that couples counselling will be required. You can't move forward if you husband can't or is unwilling to let go of the past. My soon-to-be ex also had problems letting go of the past; she dramatized every minor, petty, childish little issue that I had long forgotten about.

A short break might be what you need; but that is a decision that you will have to make. The health care plan and RA are a good start.

Please stay in touch, if you are up to it.

Paul

Feels like im drowning

MissMel — Sat, 09 May 2020 03:29:58 GMT

Hi Paul,

Thanks for replying to me. I know I have a great support system, but I feel alone and reading through the forum has helped me alot.

I just wish he would try and help himself with his back. He never does his physio and only focuses on pain killers and drugs to help. Both of which have caused so many problems in the bedroom.

Im hoping once he sees that im trying counselling, he will want to try too. So far all he is worried about is money and the possibility of losing our house. He said that if I go, he probably can't afford to keep it and he will have nowhere to live. Which makes me feel incredibly guilty. I have no idea if this is true or not though, after 16 years I still have no idea how much he earns. I asked once, the response was "enough".

He feels like he has been trying and that im running away from my problems. But I feel like I've given this everything I have over the years. Every discussion turns into a tit for tat argument. Feels like im stuck on a round-a-bout going around and around and im out of fuel.

Feels like im drowning

smallwolf — Sat, 09 May 2020 03:35:59 GMT

hi and welcome to beyond blue.

Mr Paul response is good on a number of levels. While I had back issues once, I cannot really comment on that.

It sounds like you have been carrying much of the load in and around the house, supporting your husband as much you can. The breakup of a 16 year marriage would also be great loss. Even if you were only supporting your husband that can have an effect on you as well. Now... everything seems to have come to a crunch? Your reaction to what is happening is normal as you try to determine a way forward.

At the end of day the only person you can change is you, not the other person (your husband in this case). His anger might be frustration of what he cannot do anymore, and directs that at you. This is still not justified.

You are also taking positive action as well - talking with your GP, family, etc. Talking to relationship australia is another positive step. Hopefully, you will be able to find a way to move forward.

I hope you come back and share more of your story. I will listen if you want to chat some more.

Peace to you,

Tim

Feels like im drowning

Guest909 — Sat, 09 May 2020 04:35:36 GMT

Hi Mel

For what it's worth, I think you have made the right decision. Someone has to step up and address the root cause of a problem that has probably been festering for some time. That someone appears to be you.

I don't think that you have anything to feel guilty about; you sound like a very reasonable and responsible person. From what you have said, you are not walking away from your family or your husband; you are simply looking for some space while you and yours work through some difficult problems. From my perspective, that is a refreshing change from the abuse I am getting from my soon-to-be ex of 30+ years.

Like you, I have found this forum to be very helpful. This forum helps to put my own problems into perspective.

I hope it all works out for you and yours!

Paul

Feels like im drowning

ecomama — Sat, 09 May 2020 06:51:37 GMT

Oh dear MissMel, huge hugs. This situation sounds so difficult, more hugs.

You are doing so well. Organising a rental and organising counselling at the same time as everything else is amazing. Without trying to play a blame game....

The thing that stood out to me from your last post is that your H hasn't told you what he earns? Like EVER?
This is a red flag.

The yelling, swearing and abuse is another red flag. Crazy that his back is fine to do that.

Smoking drugs is a red flag. That costs money besides being illegal.

H not attending to physio is another red flag. It's his choice not to, but should keep all complaining about it to himself if he won't.

Not accepting help with the house and garden maintenance is one thing. Putting it on you to do that with him is a red flag. He doesn't care about the house anyway, so if it's lost then so be it. He just cares about controlling you.

Calling you those names (when he knows it absolutely isn't true) is a red flag. He is projecting how he feels about himself AND trying to get a reaction.

Repeatedly bringing up a night when you were TEENAGERS is woah a red flag. (I bet he does this when he hasn't been able to get the reaction from you that he wants ie crying, apologising etc. He resorts to this one).

There is a pattern of abuse here and without going into the different areas of abuse, the whole thing is wrought with emotional and psychological abuse. I am sorry if this is a new concept for you to process, 1800RESPECT is a fantastic helpline to call. The DV hotline is probably more tailored right now.

Abusers ramp up the abuse if they sense they are losing control over you. Now is a potentially dangerous time ie leaving, so please do whatever you need to, to keep yourself and the children safe.

There is hope for your relationship, so getting all the help you can muster will only help you so everything in your life is improved.

It'd be great for H to spend some time with himself.
Your focus for now is on you and the children "Oxygen mask on self first".

Sending you love and support.

xxxxEM

No wonder your anxiety is sky rocketing. You are definitely doing the right thing leaving, just so you can BREATHE, sleep, do some things in peace.

There is a pat

Feels like im drowning

MissMel — Sat, 09 May 2020 10:08:07 GMT

Hi Tim,

Thanks for replying to me.

I have always carried the load in our home. But now he is expecting me to paint the walls and lay down the flooring. We had a burst pipe in our bathroom that destroyed the hallway, linen cupboard and bathroom and we put in an insurance claim. We spent a year showering in a pop up tent in the backyard because he kept putting off the phone calls he had to make to get the bathroom done. When he finally did, the insurance company paid us a decent amount to replace all the destroyed belongings and I have no idea where that money went. I had to replace everything from my pocket. And to this day, we have no flooring down, just concrete. There is a pile of floor planks sitting in the corner just waiting to put down. Again family have offered to help but he declines.

He recently inherited a decent sum of money from his grandmother but he refuses to spend it on the house, as that money is "special". My smaller inheritance from my grandfather was used to cover the costs of having a baby on one wage, and I never thought twice about it.

Ive always just wanted things to be fair and equal, we're meant to be partners after all. But I'm drained and I feel like a shell of a person.

Thanks for listening,

Mel.

Feels like im drowning

MissMel — Sat, 09 May 2020 10:22:32 GMT

Hi Em,

Thanks for the reply.

Having my family has been life saving. My parents have helped me buy a car as I didn't have my own, and they have supplied my son and I with furniture as the only things from here I can take (because it's all I own) is the washing machine and the vacuum.

If any of this was happening to someone else, I would be screaming at them to see the red flags, but it can be so hard to see them when you live in it.

But I'm also not naive, his anger can be scary and since I've been on the lounge room floor (where I belong apparently), I've kept protection very close by.

He isn't a bad person though, he just needs help. As do I. I'm just hoping he can see that.

Mel xx

Feels like im drowning

Sophie_M — Sat, 09 May 2020 10:49:22 GMT

Hey MissMel, this is Sophie from the moderation team here. We are sorry to hear things have been so difficult recently. We can't imagine the amount of stress and self-doubt you must be feeling in your relationship. We want you to know that our community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14). Many of our members have felt similar and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this tough period.

Feels like im drowning

ecomama — Sat, 09 May 2020 12:19:05 GMT

Dear MissMel

I'm so glad you have your family! That's so awesome they are helping you at this difficult time. They sound great.

You'll get through this.

All the things you've learnt in this relationship have made you very resourceful. Keep drawing on any supports in the community you can. Now is the time you need support, people will really want to be there for you and your son. There are community organisations / churches in many places that can give you free furniture etc. I have a list as long as my arm. If any others can help by making calls on your behalf, then that would help.

Oh darling girl. No you don't deserve to sleep on the floor. In your new home you will have a nice, warm, safe place to rest at night. That is what you deserve. Big hugs.

I am so sorry for what you've been through and are still going through.

If you register your separation with Centrelink then this will help. It may help you financially too. See how you feel. A Centrelink Social Worker may have an up to date list of supports in your local area too. There are lots of supports but it can be so tiresome phoning all the time.

The situation you described about the insurance money being taken by H and not used to fix the bathroom, and consequently you having to pay for it all, is in the lines of financial abuse.

If the mortgage is in both your names, you may have to get some legal advice re: payment of mortgage in your absence. You can contact the bank and ask questions. If you have any loans, credit cards etc in joint names then you may be able to dissolve these or separate them, esp with H history of financial abuse and making you pay for so much. Same with any utility accounts for the home in joint names. If they are all in H name then that's different.
It is in your best interests to avoid issues over debts. If left unchecked, it has the potential to cause issues for you later on down the track.

Having people with you every time you visit the family home would be advisable.

I am so glad you have booked in for counselling.

Good luck with everything.
xxxxEM

Feels like im drowning

Guest909 — Sat, 09 May 2020 22:32:18 GMT

Hi Mel

From what you have said, I would suggest that your husband has some deep rooted problems. I agree, he does need help, but I don't think that you can help him given the way he is treating you. He needs professional help.

Ecomama hit the nail on the head when she said that your husband is "projecting". If you don't know what "projection" is, I have cited a definition below. You will find much more on this topic online.

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously employ in order to cope with difficult feelings or emotions. Psychological projection involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather than admitting to or dealing with the unwanted feelings.

Paul

Feels like im drowning

MissMel — Sun, 10 May 2020 00:42:52 GMT

Hi Paul,

Projection actually makes a lot of sense. He is using the word "selfish" alot and I can only assume that's how he feels.

I got a little sleep last night, but woke around 3am from anxiety and just sort of dozed till dawn. I wake up nauseous and shaking, my mind racing with fear of the future. I tend to jump on here and just read through others posts, it helps me feel less alone. This forum has been a saving grace.

Mel

Feels like im drowning

MissMel — Sun, 10 May 2020 00:51:34 GMT

Hi Sophie,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I plan on making a call to a counsellor when I feel safe to do so and I know I wont be overheard.

Mel

Feels like im drowning

smallwolf — Sun, 10 May 2020 01:25:57 GMT

In this time that feeling safe to be able to make that call to a counsellor can be difficult. I recently had a call with my psychiatrist from home - in that call I was highlighting the positives and could not bring myself to talk about negatives in case others in the family might overhear.

I would agree with ecomama also about giving 1800 RESPECT a call - only you truly know what is happening and by talking about this someone else you also get some ideas how to handle the situation moving forwards. Depending on how that future looks when moving forward can be daunting.

This might seem like a dumb question and assuming you spoke with you family about what is happening, may I ask what advice you were given?

Please know that you have the support of this community here.

Tim

Feels like im drowning

Guest909 — Sun, 10 May 2020 01:36:57 GMT

Hi Mel

To my knowledge, "projection" is generally a symptom of an underlying "personality disorder"; which one in anybody's guess. It sort of ties in with your husband's substance (weed) use.

I'm glad that this forum is helping.

Feels like im drowning

MissMel — Sun, 10 May 2020 03:29:20 GMT

Tim,

The advice my family has given is to me is focus on myself, my son and the draw on the strength from the others around me, to lean and rely on them and know that im never alone.

Ive never felt more alone or afraid in my entire life.

Mel

Feels like im drowning

ecomama — Sun, 10 May 2020 06:34:02 GMT

Hi Mel

We're with you all the time. You're not alone! We care and so many people care about you in your life. We're holding your hands every step of the way and are part of your cheer squad because you are a champion!

Reaching out will help, some helplines are open 24h a day. You will feel SO MUCH BETTER if you do call. The counsellors are awesome and you can speak with a psychologist in some cases and be glad you made the call. People really understand what you're going through Mel. Many of us have been in similar situations. I understand.

If you like, you can save these numbers in your phone under pseudo names and lock your phone.

Your senses are on high alert because you sense danger. You're taking a stand and standing up for yourself. You're moving out too and all this is against your H wishes / demands, even laced with threats. Your disturbed sleep, waking up a lot and shaking are all signs of things like panic attacks and trauma responses. Grounding exercises can help but talking with a mental health professional as well is best. You've got this.

You are strong and wise. You are making the right decision and you know this on ALL levels.

It's natural to feel for H at this time, you've cared for him all your adult life and since you were a teen. Plus he demands attention. It's time for him to look after himself as you're doing for you and your son. He needs to put his big boy pants on and take responsibility for his 1 self, as you are doing for 2 people now. It's time to set up boundaries that you can work on over time. I'm tough about these things but you have to protect yourself and your son at this point. You're doing what's best for everyone and you are certainly NOT selfish.

Happy Mother's Day darling girl! Big hugs.

Are you concerned that H may be abusing substances beyond weed? His erratic behaviour makes me wonder. If he is mixing weed and / or something else as well as pain killers, this could explain some things. You don't have to disclose here, I just wanted to put it out there for you to consider at some point.

Feels like im drowning

MissMel — Mon, 11 May 2020 01:08:49 GMT

Em,

Happy Mother's Day to you too!

Im fairly confident that there are no other substances involved, although his prescriptions for pain are for medications most people would never in their wildest dreams consider taking.

Im having a really difficult time keeping my feelings from taking over my life.

Have I tried hard enough? Have I jumped to the last resort first? Why hasnt love been enough?

The guilt is consuming me.

Mel xx

Feels like im drowning

ecomama — Mon, 11 May 2020 01:59:11 GMT

Oh MissMel you darling girl! YES you have given 'enough'!

NO you haven't jumped to the 'last resort' first omg you have been twisting yourself in veritable knots over this situation for a very long time. Maybe 7y ago you may have been doing the last resort first IDK and I am not here to judge anybody for making safe plans for them and their child. Mel, no.

Your love IS enough. You have extended so much love to H, so much caring but I don't want to make you cry, so let's imagine something different... for a moment...

Imagine you in male form (lol... cute, but you know, a MAN)… hard working, a devoted partner, a loving parent, a person brimming over with love and caring, doing EVERY LITTLE THING you ask for at any given time. THIS man wraps you up in love all day and all night. Buys you takeaway when you're tired without you asking lol. He is your stalwart supporter. Your very own cheer squad. He sees a Dr when he needs to and keeps his life pretty clean!

Wow, what a gorgeous guy, right? That is you and THAT is the kind of man YOU deserve. A man to walk with you and appreciate you. He just loves you.

H might be that man but he isn't at the moment. You are leaving for all the right reasons. You are leaving to feel safe. To be safe. To get space. To get help. To sleep in a bed. You need this because H is down a hole, with a rope tied to you and he's pulling you in to that hole with him. That's not fair. It's not fair on you or your baby boy. Your boy needs his mama to be ok. Your family need you to be ok and most importantly you need you to be ok. We need you to be ok too! Your future life, whatever that looks like, is waiting for you. Not for one nanosecond think you are making a mistake. It could be the best decision you make..

Darling girl, I had to leave an abusive H with no hopes at all of being with anyone else. I was done. But I met someone who gives me more love than I have ever experienced. At my old age lol and with my baggage longer than a freight train lol. He is the man I described above. You deserve him, well not mine, one about 30y younger maybe lol!

Ask the Mel 10y from now what you should do. Imagine her... have a talk with her.

You got this.

BIG HUGS!
EM

Feels like im drowning

Guest909 — Mon, 11 May 2020 02:03:20 GMT

Hi Mel

Strong pain medications can cause significant mood swings, especially if abused and taken with weed and/or alcohol.

I suspect the medication your husband is on may in part explain his behaviour. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior, but it might explain a lot of the problem.

You will get through this!