topic Husband addicted to porn in Relationship and family issues

Husband addicted to porn

MummaPetal — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 09:11:52 GMT

Hello

I'm not sure what to do or how to respond to my husband's porn addiction.

For years he has had ED and we haven't had a lot of intimacy in our relationship. His porn addiction has come up as an issue before and he reassures me that he will never look at it again.

Just recently I was on our computer and noticed it on an open tab. I was really shocked and hurt. I feel betrayed because he lied to me.

As much as it hurt, I could understand why he'd look at it to perhaps improve things in the intimacy department but now it seems to have replaced ANY intimacy between us.

I feel uncertain about our future and feel numb.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

MP

Husband addicted to porn

Croix — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 11:15:05 GMT

Dear MP~

I've had a read of some of your posts going back a couple of years and at that time you had problems with your husband's family and although he was supportive things were not as you wanted. Later you mentioned as he has sleep apnia you have separate bedrooms and for quite along time have said there has been no intimacy or TLC.

In fact on return from work his phone seems to be his main occupation

Now you have found he is looking at porn. While it might be an effort to improve a lack of desire it might equally be as you say a substitute. Porn is completely unrealistic and it can cause a great deal of distress, with feelings of inadequacy and betrayal. I'm sorry it is happening to you.

Actually I'm rather surprised he left the tab open.

In view of his responses in the past do you think that talking with him about this might be the way to go or have things gone too far for that?

I do know you have a child and feel trapped, not having worked for quite some time and no family of your own.

In practical terms what would you like to do?

Croix

Husband addicted to porn

smallwolf — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 12:00:54 GMT

Hi MP and welcome to beyond blue.

I guess your uncertainty might be related to the your husband telling he would not look at it again, and then you find out despite his statement he has done it again? And as you said he lied to you.

I cannot guess why he would be looking at porn. Well, I can guess and if I were wrong... there are other stories on the forums here similar to yours. Sadly. If you use the search function at the top of the page, you can easily find these and see what others have done.

I can imagine that being caught again would be embarrassing. If you want him to overcome his addiction would he confide in you with honesty where he can unload the nature and extent of their problem without holding back details out of humiliation. Perhaps then you might be able to work out a way forward, in whatever form that takes.

Peace to you,

Tim

Husband addicted to porn

white knight — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 13:11:09 GMT

Hi, welcome

I don’t think he lied to you, he more likely imo promised he’d remain away from porn eg his intentions were good but as with all addictions he can’t help himself. That puts things in a different context.

Apart from that I agree with your assessment and advise you to seek professional help together if not aline

TonyWK

Husband addicted to porn

MummaPetal — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 14:17:24 GMT

Response to all:

Together we have tried professional help. I thought we had a plan to put things right and now they've slipped back. It is history repeating itself yet again.

We have talked quite openly. He knows he has a problem and can't promise me it won't happen again.

I don't have a plan forward as yet. I have my job and a great network of friends which are all great but it would be nice to come home to a cosy relationship and to have someone respect my needs to be held and not feel neglected.

Husband addicted to porn

geoff — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 21:39:49 GMT

Hello MummaPetal, I join the others and feel sorry about your situation and agree with Tony,'he can’t help himself' because an addiction, especially one that is hidden, is difficult to know whether or not he's stopped, or if for any reason, such as if he has a day he has then gone back to watching it.

This link may be able to help you,

-/www.healthline.com/health/pornography-addiction

Take care.

Geoff.

Husband addicted to porn

white knight — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 21:43:41 GMT

Yes I understand. He obviously has a void when it comes to giving affection and warmth. I actually think that is a bigger problem than him watching porn and see them as two separate issues.

Have you considered separation at all?

TonyWK

Husband addicted to porn

MummaPetal — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 22:04:10 GMT

Yes, I have considered separation which is a difficult thought process. If it was just me in this house, I wouldn't have any hesitation.

As there are children involved who adore their Daddy, it makes things really tricky. It would break their heart.

I also know that I need to look after my own needs and mental health. I do feel for my husband. I just can't do anything to help. I've tried to give kisses and cuddles but he goes cold. I also need to ask for affection so I don't really see this as a sustainable option.

I could see a counsellor again but I feel a bit "counselled out". Ultimately I need to make a decision. There'll never be the right time.

Husband addicted to porn

white knight — Tue, 09 Jun 2020 09:09:56 GMT

Hi again,

Kids are resilient , more than us. But yes, they’ll get hurt.

In many not so close marriages where members write in, we usually have issues we can help with. But lack of affection is kind of rare really. Porn addiction pops up regularly

You are not responsible for his addiction nor his lack of effort.

TonyWK

Husband addicted to porn

smallwolf — Tue, 09 Jun 2020 11:44:53 GMT

Please do not think I condone any of your husband's activities on reading this.

Your husband said he could not promise it would not happen again. Two thoughts came to mind - either honest answer or "cop out" or both. And when it first happened did he get help (or not)? Is it a coping mechanism?

His lack of intimacy towards you can be a side-effect. If seen in terms of an addiction then relapses are possible. And here you would then be talking about your husband getting help.

Despite any possible justification above, it would be a horrible experience that rocks one to the core of where the relationship stands. In your latest post you felt...

a bit "counselled out"

so the question is whether he and you want to save the relationship? Only both of you can answer that question. If you did speak with someone, you would be able to say how it affects you? And perhaps any issues / stresses he faces.

It is a very difficult decision for you to make - the people here would support you as we can during this time.

Tim

Husband addicted to porn

MummaPetal — Tue, 09 Jun 2020 12:04:39 GMT

Tim,

Thanks for your reply.

He's tried getting help from specialists but treatment is expensive and I guess what he's doing is an escapism. It's just fantasy for him. He would never actually go out and physically cheat on me.

I'd be up for counselling if I knew absolutely for certain that it would be different this time. Previous times, there has been the right kind of talk but not a lot of follow through on the action.

He knows how this affects me but it's made little difference. I've mentioned it a few times.

He's a nice guy and is good at his job plus he's a good Dad.

Husband addicted to porn

PhoebeWings — Fri, 12 Jun 2020 23:34:55 GMT

Hi MummaPetal,

I’m responding here because I have lived with similar experiences throughout our 35 yrs of marriage.

What can I say?

My husband is a good man in so many different ways.

Our life and our marital ‘team’ has always had the potential to be fantastic.... and we’ve had a great life together in so many ways, but the intimacy and the sex element has been blighted/ruined by his long term addiction to secretly engaging in porn. I guess you’ll understand this.

I hate, utterly hate porn.

I hate what it does to the mind, to the very ‘soul’ of a person.

But I don’t hate my husband for it, I don’t hate him. Although at the time... I did indeed hate him. And yet still love him. I wanted my man, not this stranger.

I can see how much it has shamed him in the past, how it diminished him and in turn me.

How he lied and lied, filled with hot rage if I found evidence, denied it to the nth degree.

And how he cried and cried when he saw the likely end of our life together.

He once said to me ‘I just want a new head.’ Those images are burnt into his mind. It’s horrible.

My husband is a ridiculously good looking man, funny and immensely likeable - and he became captive to a soul sucking industry from a very very young age. Before he met me.

He has underlining poor self esteem, which you wouldn’t know from his general social interaction.

Porn was his ‘go-to’. When he couldn’t speak his truth, his frustrations with life, with us - porn would take him into a place of quick release and fantasy.

About seven years ago I started drinking very dangerously.

I.... just self medicated. Quietly numbed with, vodka, I hid my drinking, the bottles - I lied.

I remember my husband in cold fury poured a nearly full bottle of vodka down the sink. There was nothing left in the house.

I can’t begin to find words for the intense rage, shock and terror I felt.

The ‘pathways’ that took me into territory that could destroy my life are the same pathways that kept my husband captive to secret porn.

In both cases we escape reality, risking self destruction and chaos around everything that matters - whilst our partner is put into a separate compartment in our life.

I’m writing this, because I’ve learned that nothing is black and white.

He may be able to master his weakness and impulses, but it will always be a battle until he has a major inward shift. Even then....

The question is whether you can live with that.

It’s so darned hard when you know things could be so much better.

Husband addicted to porn

smallwolf — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 01:37:12 GMT

I am saddened to hear there were issues with follow through previously.

If you are concerned about cost and follow through...

I also have apps on my phone to help with anxiety and depression. So while I speak with my psychologist periodically these apps also provide support between sessions and places like this.

As an aside, just as there are groups like AA, you may be able to find some local support groups. It is important that you look after yourself also. Is there anyone that you can talk to? A trusted friend or family? There may be groups available for you, similar to Al Anon.

Of course these tools are only as good as they are utilised when needed. These may seems like small steps and it might also put your husband into the right headspace for getting professional help?

I would like to say that open communication between a married couple and compromise and finding ways through issue ... but I would also be somewhat hypocritical if I am not always like that myself. Rather that say talk to you, goes to the porn. The reasons don't matter . It looks like you love your husband, just not some of his behaviours.

Husband addicted to porn

PhoebeWings — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 02:02:41 GMT

Just following my last post...

You know, living with this changes you... living with a partners addiction is traumatising.

Sex and porn addiction have their own special poison.

I absolutely knew when he was back into that world - even without evidence. He changed. His eyes seemed to lose their warmth and connection, no matter how hard he tried to act as if nothing was amiss.

He inwardly hated himself for it.... He was angry. The anger found its way to me. Perhaps you’ve found this in your marriage?

Perhaps some space, an informal separation for a space of time will help you both to sort out what the future could or should look like?

For the record. Our marriage has found is own peace and yes, joy.
But that’s our unique story. It’s been a tough life battle.
And it’s not for everyone, to keep in the relationship - it’s just our personal path..

You have to count the cost to you personally to live with it....you know?

Give yourselves a warm wraparound of compassion. Most importantly can you give your own dear self some space and time to breathe?

I have written my experience as I just wanted to express some real empathy in my post, given my own life. I hope that’s OK, apologies that it’s long. Take care. Hugs.

Husband addicted to porn

white knight — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 02:45:02 GMT

Hi Phoebe wings

Simply remarkable- your account will be helping so many consider there could be hope in remaining together.

TonyWK

Husband addicted to porn

PhoebeWings — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 04:00:04 GMT

Hi Tony and (also to MummaP)

There are so many life stories here, involving porn, prostitutes etc.

I started off my married life as a young woman who would have zero tolerance for any of the above.

I still hate it. I hate the narcotics industry, the gambling industry - all that sticky lure in which to lose oneself. Ruining lives.

I did not mean to write my story as if to say ‘hey you can make it work, like we did !’

The thing for myself and my partner in life, is that even at rock bottom, when everything seemed completely lost - somewhere in there we were still the twenty somethings who had fallen in with each other and could laugh together, wink at each other as we shared intuitive thoughts, loved each other - and had hopes, creative goals and plans.... hidden from view, we still existed in the rotten mess.

There was still ‘something’ there, even though it didn’t feel like it at times.

That’s the difference.

We still cared.

Dear MummaPetal,

I hope some of this is in some way helpful. But for now it seems you just need a rest from the heartache.

I’m sorry dear. Please take care.

Husband addicted to porn

white knight — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 14:12:10 GMT

Hi Mummapetal

Just wondering how you are at the moment. If we can help further please let us know

TonyWK

Husband addicted to porn

MummaPetal — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 11:25:52 GMT

Hi Tony,

Thank you for asking.

I'm talking to a counsellor next week. There's been a lot going on.

I'll update later.

Take care,
MP

Husband addicted to porn

Juliet_84 — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 11:47:07 GMT

Hi MummaPetal,

I feel for you, I really do. I can hear in your ‘voice’ that you sound defeated, like you have no fight left in you at the moment. I have been where you are at different times and for different reasons. But my advice would be, while you’re feeling like this, just remember that you don’t have to do anything right now. When we get so worked up about an issue we can put pressure on ourselves to act in the moment, but we realistically don’t have to. When I separated from my partner, it took me at least a year to build myself back up mentally. I remained in the relationship during this time but got myself mentally and physically strong, I figured what was the harm, either way it was a positive. It sounds to me like the porn is a secondary issue for you, it is the lack of intimacy and satisfaction in your sex life is the problem. The porn is just the added insult, that your partner thinks it acceptable to just ignore your needs entirely and is quite happy to sort himself out by watching porn. It may be due to his inadequacies in that department that he feels more comfortable. I suppose there is zero expectation with a video. But it doesn’t exactly seem reasonable to expect you to do without human touch for the rest of your life? I’m not sure how forthcoming he is with his feelings or the truth but you could lay it out for him and see what he says? Or just park it for a bit as I know you said got were a bit therapied out and revisit later when things aren’t so raw?

Husband addicted to porn

MummaPetal — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 12:28:45 GMT

Hi Juliet,

Thank you for your comments. I am sorry to hear your been down this road yourself.

My husband isn't a bad guy. I just think he is lost. He told me he isn't depressed when I asked him. He also told me that he hasn't felt neglected when I've been busy being a mum. I do struggle with the lack of character in his voice and lack of emotions. He doesn't want to lose me but I'm not entirely sure if I can stay when I feel like there is such a disconnect between us. I'm a very social person and he is really introverted.

I believe his health issues and possibly his upbringing may have caused him to repress a lot of feelings.

I'm trying to get myself back on track again. I've felt like a live in maid. It's hard now with new CV restrictions to get out there and do what makes me happy. It's really frustrating.

Maybe this down time could be useful to gather more thoughts and see what happens within the relationship.

MP