topic Looking for low-cost counsellor in Relationship and family issues

Looking for low-cost counsellor

Mark247 — Thu, 07 May 2020 05:20:03 GMT

I am trying to find a low-cost counsellor to guide me through separation and divorce. I have tried a couple of popular services but would prefer the same person every session, rather than the next in the queue. I am in a 30 year relationship but I now believe I have been abused both mentally and emotionally. I have access to only a small amount of money, so I need a low-cost service. It is also important that it doesn't appear on my medical records, as my wife has access to these. I tried Relationships Australia (SA) but they have nothing available for 8-10 weeks. Any suggestions?

Looking for low-cost counsellor

Sophie_M — Thu, 07 May 2020 05:50:53 GMT

Hi Mark247,

Thank you so much for reaching out. Did you know our support service, which is available 24-7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and by webcat (3pm-midnight AEST) or email via https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support, is able to provide referrals appropriate to your needs and location. If you haven't already, we'd recommend reaching out to them. Our valued online forums community may well have some other tips and advice for you but please note this is not the place to mention individual practitioners nor named treatments.

Looking for low-cost counsellor

Mark247 — Fri, 08 May 2020 09:25:55 GMT

Thanks Sophie_M but I have tried BB support service and they directed me back to a service I have already tried (where I got a different counsellor each time). I would really like the same person each session and hoped that the community here might have some suggestions.

I feel I have made progress by myself over the past few months, so maybe I should continue that approach. It would be nice to get some help though. It does seem overwhelming at times.

Looking for low-cost counsellor

ecomama — Fri, 08 May 2020 10:18:23 GMT

Hi Mark247

Firstly allow me to extend compassion to you for the end of a long relationship.

I have heard of a Men's Helpline and the counsellors on this line may have some further local numbers for you. You can also ask about DV Courses for male victims. A certificate from such a Course bears weight and can be referred to in your affidavit if you need to go that far.

I have been through an extremely acrimonious separation and divorce 'journey' recently, so I may know some of what you could be going through and possibly what may be ahead. Not sure. I Pray yours is nothing like mine.

In my understanding if you go through Relationships Australia they are under obligation to record EVERYTHING.
NB: If you get a Health Care Plan (HCP) through your GP then the Counsellor or any other HCP referred worker is under obligation to send reports back to the GP. I found this out by accident when studying the docs that exH had subpoenaed to try and destroy me. By getting a subpoena for my GP records then all HCP reports are in there, his too! Trust me, his were 10cm high, so he shot himself in the foot over that one.

So I can highly recommend Uniting, formerly Unifam, counselling services. They provide Counselling on a sliding scale for your income and can apply for a number of free appointments on your behalf, ask about this. When there are children involved there are different programs for the children. But for you alone, I think they'd be perfect. Phone and ask ALL the questions on your mind.

I attempted Mediation through R.A. but was given an exemption from Mediation Certificate because of DV which meant Family Court / Federal Circuit Court only.

I understand also that before you lodge in FL Court, you must have attempted Mediation (unless you are exempt as above). For FL Mediation there is often quite a wait list unless of course you can both hire a lawyer each and pay them bucket loads to thrash it out, outside Court. In my case, for reasons I could explain if you needed, I avoided this option like the plague but friends of mine have successfully done this which is great for them.

Mediation is very different from Counselling in a Family Law sense.

Your best asset right now is to ask as many questions as you can of as many people in free advisory positions as you can. I used around 10 scrapbooks but had lots to record. Also do ask about Hardship applications for everything.

I have tips about a cheap divorce when you're ready, that sounds awful but..

Looking for low-cost counsellor

Mark247 — Fri, 08 May 2020 23:27:04 GMT

Thanks EM,

It sounds like you have been through a really tough time. I hope life is much better for you now.

Thanks for your advice. I should point out that there has been no DV in my case, only emotional and mental abuse that has taken years to wake up to. The final wake-up call was when she got a boyfriend. She spends a lot of time with him including in our home.

Uniting appears to only be available in NSW. Is that right? I am in SA.

I have tried Mensline and they were helpful, but I get a different person each time. What I am looking for is someone to encourage and support me through the process. The phone services are good for answering my questions but I don't know what I don't know, therefore I don't know what to ask. I am looking for guidance. I think I need help to repair me emotionally and mentally too.

Wife controls all finances, so I want to be prepared. When I confront her I have to be ready to move quickly because she could turn nasty. Unfortunately it sounds like she will find out no matter where I go for help, so I might have to do it on my own and wait until I leave before I seek help.

I would love to hear your tips about a cheap divorce. It doesn't sound awful at all, but could be really helpful.

Looking for low-cost counsellor

ecomama — Sun, 10 May 2020 11:15:21 GMT

Hi Mark247

Thanks for asking, LIFE IS FREAKING AWESOME, OMG like comparing living in hell to heaven, so yeah.

Nuff bout me let's get you sorted brother. The plan is to get your ducks in a row whilst you still live there but PLEASE if you are in danger, leave / phone police / whatever to keep safe. Btw I won't tell you to record W but transcripts of recordings are submissible in FLC.

Google "the 180" and practice this whilst you live there. It helps.
Please google 'the gray rock technique' and do this with texts etc.
For focus to form questions for lawyers, Google "The 4 Steps of Divorce" outlining Family Law in layman's terms ie care of any children and division of property.

Can you answer the following: (only if you feel ok about it)
* do you have shared children?
* do you have a job?
* do you have your own phone? Be careful with your text responses, wait before replying.
* do you pay for your own phone? ie are you the only one who sees the bill?

And:
* do you have a bank account in your sole name? If not then open one and do not tell your wife (you can disclose later during full financial disclosure).
* if you have any income coming in then redirect it to your bank account at a time you can cope with. This maybe just before you leave IDK.

When you call a helpline eg 1800 RESPECT or BB or anyone, ask them for numbers for low cost counselling services not using a HCP. The thing is that if your W controls your phone bills then she'll see what numbers you are calling.

You can get a 'burner phone' kept on silent and no vibration at all times. Use this.

For legal advice there are free community legal services and I would call all of them. You can begin by calling Legal Aid. You can also call Law Access. Once I know more of your situation then I can help form questions for you to ask if you need help.

I know you feel emotionally fraught. It's hard but you are making the right decision. I hate to break it to you but you are suffering from DV, hence your feelings. There are 7-8 forms of DV and the ones going on there are financial abuse (controlling all finances), emotional and psychological abuse (as noted). I would argue sexual abuse also (infidelity) but the last one holds zero weight in FLC.

Please avoid joining any vigilante men's groups on FB. I have seen FB comments men have made about their exes used against them in Courts and AVOs enforced because of them. Look online but keep schtum.

I've got your back

Looking for low-cost counsellor

Mark247 — Sun, 10 May 2020 21:26:49 GMT

Thanks again EM,

Your response is very helpful and very much appreciated. I am trying to get "my ducks in a row".

I had never heard of "the 180" but this is exactly the technique I used a few years ago to combat silent treatment. She would often use silent treatment (usually about a week, but the record was 3 months) until one day I decided that my happiness should not depend on her and I was going to focus on other areas of my life. It was difficult, but I would pretend I was happy even if I wasn't, right down to things like whistling happily while washing the dishes. It worked and she hasn't used silent treatment since. That was about 6 years ago and was the beginning of the end of our relationship.

* do you have shared children? 2 adult kids at home
* do you have a job? We both do, me full-time, her part-time
* do you have your own phone? Yes
* do you pay for your own phone? Yes, but she sees the bill
* do you have a bank account in your sole name? Yes, but she has access, she pays the bills from it and sees the statements.

You are probably right about DV, but I have never felt physically in danger. I sometimes wonder what psychological damage I may have suffered though.

Looking for low-cost counsellor

ecomama — Mon, 11 May 2020 00:38:34 GMT

Hi Mark

Yes psychological damage indeed. I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. It's a challenging time, after a challenging marriage no doubt.

I'm trying to think of a way you can navigate forward with your plans.

There are many 'underground' practices people use but I did not use these at all. I was open and transparent every step UNTIL I had to enforce No Contact. ExH used every underground thing known for years.

It backfired on ex on all levels brilliantly for me. But it is not in my nature to be subversive. I may have done A LOT more to get my ducks lined up beforehand, if I knew. I was too trusting. It was bad.

So how honest do you want to be with W? I'll tell you what I did and you can choose...

Whilst living in same house (ex wouldn't leave and I had lots of young children). These are some things I did blatantly, with or without telling ex, if he found out, then I 180d him:
* got a new email address.
* bought a new laptop with new passwords and took it to work with me every day.
* changed passwords on all thing I thought he had access to. (It was actually everything he had breached and it took me years to find out and secure, even my Super yeah). Put the highest security on all sole named things.
* said "I'm managing my own finances from now on" and moved EVERYTHING to my sole account. 180. I had my pay, share dividends, everything diverted (and ex found a way to change it back!) I did it again and changed my passwords. Left 1 joint account.
* I said I would only pay 50% of stuff. Less to make up for paying 100% for years.
* I stopped paying the mortgage (not highly recommended but I knew what I was doing, I got the house in the end). I was major breadwinner by far and he used his time for same as W there. If he didn't like it he could work and pay for it 100% or leave. No negotiations.
* I couldn't care less if he saw who I phoned so I left phones as they were (in his 'business' so he paid, but liked the 'control').
* got his name off my car rego and car insurances. Wash rinse repeat. Told companies not to allow anyone else to access my anything. (He had women pretend to be me).

Just lock down as much as you can. Once you have a secure phone.

Get free legal advice from a secure phone.

Announce separation from your stated date. This is plenty for now. Legal advice is crucial at this point.

Looking for low-cost counsellor

romantic_thi3f — Mon, 11 May 2020 01:03:11 GMT

Hi Mark247,

Thank you for reaching out and I can see that you've gotten so much support here already. I just wanted to pop in and share my two cents too.

With the DV services, this isn't just for physical abuse - you mentioned emotional and physical abuse which does count too. You don't even have to be in physical danger. So I do encourage you to reach out here to these services. They can also help when you prepare to leave, and being able to reach out for help in a safe way as well.

I know you mentioned Relationships Australia, but you can also try Uniting Communities https://www.unitingcommunities.org/services/mental-health-counselling/

You can also try for a bulk-billing psychologist with a MHCP (mental health care plan). This means that you won't be out of pocket for 10 sessions.

Both of these suggestions apply in SA too - I live in SA so pretty familiar with the services around here. Please shout out if I can help with anything SA specific.

Looking for low-cost counsellor

ecomama — Mon, 11 May 2020 01:03:33 GMT

As I understand in your case, you have grown children over 18y and living at home. Unless they have disabilities they don't 'count' property wise.
In Family Law this probably means a straight 50 / 50 split of everything. You CAN get % swayed a little (I found everything to sway % and my strategy worked for me but it was costly in Court).

You can get lawyers and pay thousands to thrash it out outside of Court to come to a Binding Financial Agreement which is what you need outside Court to settle property (and probably to have a Divorce decree but you have 1 year after D to do this I believe). I didn't go lawyers outside Court bec I knew exes motivations and that would have been a waste of time and money. He would have legally been able to come back within 7y and take 50% of my Super then... there's a precedent of this happening to a woman.

BUT if you include all Supers, shares etc yours and Ws (and house, boat, castle etc) in this kind of thrashing out then maybe this can work for you. Think about it...

Have you thought on a personal level what you WANT to happen? Start there and then negotiate back to a compromise. E.g. do you want to stay in the house or leave for sure? Do you want W to stay? and more importantly does selling the house impact how you feel about the kids losing their home? Who will they live with?
These are emotional issues that Family Law cares basically zero about. It's split all the way. Esp kids being over 18.

Financial capacity comes up next... remember that you have to attempt Mediation and Relationships Aus does this, others too. RA is cheap tho I believe. So if you are firm then book it in. Wait lists etc..

Looking for low-cost counsellor

ecomama — Mon, 11 May 2020 01:26:53 GMT

The only issue with getting a MHCP is if Mark goes to Court and his wife subpoenas his medical records, it's all there in report form to be used a weapon. She controls all accounts atm.

But lock down all access of wife to your medicare, banking etc. . Medicare understands DV and can secure things for you.

Mark, you have to consider your own financial capacity to 'pay W out', if you want to stay in the home. Banks will give you an idea of how much you can borrow for mortgage PLUS to pay W a settlement figure IF this is what you want. Otherwise W will have to do that and that's all on her.

NB: Valuing house. Real Estate agents give appraisals but not 'Valuations' acceptable in Family Law. You can Google Valuers in your area but you must question them on whether they are Family Law approved. This costs a packet and the "Valuation" of your home needs to be a current one. I would leave this until you jointly approve of a abovementioned Valuer and when you are both 'ready' to proceed with the split of home. House values fluctuate and you do NOT want to pay it twice or more (I knew a lady who had to pay for it repeatedly as the case took 6+ years to resolve).

Basically if you want it resolved quickly then you will have to make more concessions to W.
The Divorce process expects things to be settled, so there our timings outlined. You can phone your local Family Law or Federal Circuit Court for timings etc.

I'm overdoing it here, but working for many days straight soon, so I wanted to provide things for you to consider in my absence.

You're doing great. No one knows where to start until they do. It's ALL okay. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
EM

Looking for low-cost counsellor

romantic_thi3f — Mon, 11 May 2020 02:18:32 GMT

Hi ecomama,

Ah - thank you for clarifying this! This may mean that a private counsellor or psychologist would be a possible option as they are not associated with Medicare. With a private counsellor, the records can still be subpoenaed but of course if the wife does not know she can't pursue this.

Looking for low-cost counsellor

Mark247 — Mon, 11 May 2020 23:35:31 GMT

Thanks Em and RT for your help.

There are 2 things I am trying to do at the moment: 1. Get my "ducks in a row financially"; 2. Get some help with the psychological damage.

Unfortunately number 2 could jeopardise number 1. If wife gets wind of me seeing a counsellor, she could lock down all finances. She has said in the past that if I ever tried to leave her I would be homeless and broke. She works in finance and could do it. This means that I cannot take money from my bank account, cannot use the credit card and cannot have anything show up on my medical records (yes she has full access to these too).

What I do have is a secure phone, email and internet access.

All your suggestions about new accounts, paying only half the bills, etc. are good, but only after the s**t hits the fan.

A mental health care plan means getting it on my medical records and she will find out. I have no access to money to pay for counselling, so I guess I have to skip the counselling until after I have left. I will have a look at Uniting Communities, but I expect that will cost money and go on record somewhere too.

Does anyone know just how much a psychologist has to put in their report? Would it be possible to see one for a specific issue (eg. eating disorder), but actually talk to them about something completely different (mental health)?

I will try legal services next. It is starting to sound all too difficult though.

Looking for low-cost counsellor

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 12 May 2020 01:22:59 GMT

Hi Mark247,

I think it might be worth having a chat with 1800 RESPECT. They have helped people in the same boat as you before - and if dialling them isn't ideal right now you can also do a web-chat which is all free - www.1800respect.org.au

Uniting Communities offer free counselling - so that's no cost to you.

With the psychologist, generally no- if you were to be referred from a MHCP you could talk about eating issues in the appointment with your GP but otherwise a private referral doesn't need any information.

While it is true that everyone has to keep records by law, I think it's worth thinking about the subpoena - your wife would need a reason to access those records; you can't simply access them 'because you want to'. I'm struggling to think of a good reason that your wife could validate getting one even with her lawyer.

Looking for low-cost counsellor

ecomama — Tue, 12 May 2020 11:19:23 GMT

Hi Mark247

It's monstrously difficult and your situation is compounded by the amount of control W has over things, plus your emotional state over her behaviour (all signals DV).

I read your previous post and you never have to thank me, but you are very welcome Mark. So you think your phone is secure but W pays the bill? If she does, then she can see all numbers you call and it's not ACTUALLY 'secure' if you know what I mean?

Thinking outside the box now. How bout this...
IF you can call from a secure number (hidden from W) call 1800RESPECT or BB only and ask to be put through to a Psych for DV each time. Explain your situation and just keep calling the same one. Ask them to take notes so you can just continue your story.

Get 1:1 MH support after.

I can see a difference of opinion in the MHCP - GP - Counsellor notes - subpoena thing. It's very sweet that people think we have confidential counselling but in cases of Family Law Court we simply don't. All one party has to do in their affidavit is to say or elude to the other party being mentally unstable and bingo they can subpoena. A party can file an extra doc outlining it (even in lies). IMHO Courts couldn't give a rats bottom what is subpoenaed. We have the right to deny the subpoena but legal advice on this to me was "that only gives Judge the idea that there IS something in those notes, so they can override your refusal and issue it anyway". So there is no such thing as 'confidentiality' in Family Law. A party can even submit transcripts of 'illegally' taped conversations in FLC.

IF you get a MHCP and see a counsellor/psych then they (or even in cases of Health Care Plans for eg a Chiropractor) ,the other professional the GP referred you to, in all cases is obliged to send reports to your GP. Your GP files said reports.

ExH subpoenaed my GP and my psych and everything else he could think of. I just agreed. No point in fighting and adds extra costs.

I sat in Federal Circuit Court for Family Law and read the subpoenaed documents for 6-8 hours, I got there when it opened and they kicked me out at closing time lol. EVERYTHING was in there. I read a 3 page report from one professional. I saw diagnoses in bolded black letters for exH. It was hellish stuff. The thing exH didn't know when he subpoenaed MY files, is that the GP I saw was his also and she put both parties files in. BINGO. I read the meds he was prescribed. I read the STDs he had. Frightening and sickening stuff.

Sorry guys, all true.
EM

Looking for low-cost counsellor

Mark247 — Wed, 13 May 2020 01:04:59 GMT

Thanks again EM & RT,

I want to keep any counselling off my medical records so that I don't tip off wife that anything is up until I have my "ducks in a row". I don't understand why this would be important in a court context though. Surely the fact that I had sought counselling wouldn't work against me in court? What am I missing here?

Looking for low-cost counsellor

Sophie_M — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 04:36:10 GMT

Just a quick note for anyone following Mark247's journey that we are closing this thread. If you would like to continue supporting Mark247, please visit his latest thread here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/stuck-in-an-abusive-home#qyJXq3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A