topic My husband visited a brothel in Relationship and family issues

My husband visited a brothel

Ruthgada — Wed, 06 May 2020 20:01:15 GMT

I came to know today that my husband of 20 years visited a brothel with his friend before we got married .

He says he was drunk and was curious about sex so went to try out.

He says he couldn't get erection, didn't feel good so just spent time talking and watching TV. He then told her to tell his friend who will visit her after him that he had sex.

We have 2 kids and not in good relationship and no sex for 5years. I have been asking for divorce and everytime he convinces me saying he will try to be better.

Now knowing about this has shocked me and asking him for divorce which he doesn't want to give because he loves kids.

This truth has become unacceptable for me. I don't know what to do.

My husband visited a brothel

White_Rose — Wed, 06 May 2020 21:16:19 GMT

Dear Ruthgada

Hello and welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about matters than upset and bother you.

A couple of observations. You have wanted a divorce for some time. You do not need your husband to agree to this. You can start proceedings on your own. I suggest you contact the Women's Legal Service in your state or look at the Australian Women's Legal Service http://www.wlsa.org.au/ Both the same organisation but the overall Australia organisation will provide details about your state organisation.

Clearly your husband has no intention of changing his ways. Perhaps you can suggest to him that he see a psychologist about his difficulties as a way of demonstrating his willingness to change. I don't know what his problems are or if he just wants an easy life. Do you have any ideas why the no sex? This is usually an important part of a couples' life and five years without this intimate relationship certainly raises warning flags.

I do not think I could live with a man because he said he loved our children but paid no heed to me and my needs. Does he in fact care about your children or is this a way of emotional blackmail? In any event this is not a good foundation for a marriage. Talk to the legal service. There is no charge and you will get good information.

Mary

My husband visited a brothel

Ruthgada — Wed, 06 May 2020 23:55:58 GMT

We both don't want to hurt kids. I am worried about affecting kids. I want mutual consent for divorce .

There is no sex because I am not happy with him.

Now knowing he went to brothel before marriage but didn't have sex is hard to believe and accept .

Its broken me down and finding hard to decide as I don't want to hurt kids.

He says once kids turn 18 we can separate which will be in 10 years.

I don't know if I can live with this truth or worth it

My husband visited a brothel

white knight — Wed, 06 May 2020 23:58:28 GMT

Hi, welcome

I think what occurred prior to your wedding is no longer relevant. Being a male and having been around other men in the Defence etc I can say that many people have skeletons in the closet. It is too long ago to make it an issue now.

Regardless I agree with the living WHITEROSE that you can apply for a divorce anytime once separated for 12 months.

Best of luck for your future

TonyWK

My husband visited a brothel

PhoebeWings — Thu, 07 May 2020 00:41:06 GMT

I agree with WhiteKnight - many men have skeletons in their closet from previous life.

I’m not saying it’s good or wholesome or healthy - but it’s a fact of life.

He trusted you to reveal this unsavoury story - Just give him a break as far as that’s concerned.

If divorce is your only option, can you make it about the real issue? Which seems to be that you just don’t love him. And not make it about a confession he may regret.

Very painful for both of you.

My husband visited a brothel

Ruthgada — Wed, 13 May 2020 20:05:33 GMT

He has now confessed after failing in lie detector test.

He confessed this over 3 days bit by bit after being questioned every little details.

that he has visited brothel twice before marriage and 4 times after marriage in 20 years and visited massage parlor for happy ending frequently .

Most of them done along with friends who are family friends with us and on boys night out.

I am devastated that this happened to me and unable to believe and accept that he was capable of doing this and I never thought or imagined he would do.

My husband visited a brothel

PhoebeWings — Wed, 13 May 2020 21:45:15 GMT

Dear Ruth,

I wish I could reach out through cyber space and give you my hand, my heart truly hurts for you.

You are devastated.

I didn’t quite understand the lie detector thing? Although, how the truth was found isn’t the issue.

I’m so sorry with you. I’d really hoped your husbands story of just a silly curiosity venture into ‘that world’ as a lad, was just that.

Sadly, too many men make these ‘kind’ of visits, believe me - especially when buoyed along by the ‘boys’.

The tragedy is that there’s rarely ‘a one off’ visit - the whole set up is to entice them back - prostitutes are in business, they depend on men like your husband and ‘the boys’ for good return business.

The Sex industry is deeply entrenched into our communities.

You don’t have to look too far to see that these women in business are everywhere advertising and offering ‘pleasure’ and escapism.

Its horrible and disgusting in my eyes. And clearly it destroys marriages. What man can be truly at peace with himself and his life and his marriage mate when he goes to these places?

But it’s all set up to pull weak men through the doors. And keep them coming back.

I hate it. But I also know it is a rotten, invasive reality that happens throughout the world - it’s not called the oldest profession for nothing.

Ruth....I’m venting about this because I hope you draw up healthy anger about this, and not let this betrayal turn inwards on you... in a way that makes you feel not good enough.

Your family are victims of a disease in our society.

Sadly, the prostitutes are also often victims - manipulated by the hooks that drew them in too.

I hope someone can come along and offer more support.

I just don’t want you to feel that this is something that rarely happens.

Can you work out what you need to do next? Do you have support?

You will get through this.

I’m feeling for your heartache as no doubt anyone reading this will too.

Just never feel alone.

My husband visited a brothel

White_Rose — Wed, 13 May 2020 22:36:35 GMT

Hello Ruthgada

Do your family friend's partners know they visited brothels? I wonder what their attitude to it would be. I know you can hardly ask them because it may stir up a whole pile of problems. What do you mean by failing a lie detector test? Do you have access to one and why did your husband consent to being tested? It's a new one on me.

No sex because I am not happy with him. Does this mean you are refusing sex? Why? Is it unsatisfactory or is it a way of punishing him. If so it does not seem to work. Many people would say it's the reason he frequents brothels. I think Tony is right about closet skeletons. Not only men but women too have skeletons in their closet. Do you have anything you have not told your husband? E.g. do you have bits of your childhood where you were very unhappy? I am trying to say we all, in general, have a past we prefer to keep secret. Not that there is anything wrong with this, it just is. Your husband's sexual adventures may cause you some hurt but it was such a long time ago. I know these things hurt more because they happened through someone you love. If you only found out recently he went to a brothel, why have you been angry with him for five years?

I am not asking you to tell us these things, only think about it and decide if your actions are reasonable. I cannot say because I don't know and certainly it is not my responsibility to tell you how to act. Please give it some thought.

Mary

My husband visited a brothel

Deckt — Thu, 14 May 2020 03:31:14 GMT

Hi Ruthgada,

I'm not really going to enter into your reasons for seeking divorce. I personally think it's a little unfair to withhold sex/affection, and then be mad when he seeks it elsewhere, but it's not particularly relevant.

The point is, you are unhappy. From personal experience, it will be more damaging to your children to see you and your husband in an unhappy relationship, than happily separated. Particularly if you are just going to wait until the kids are older. It will never get easier. Doesn't matter if the kids are 18, 28, 38. Divorce sucks. Rip the bandaid off now, if you have given up on this marriage, as it seems that you have. Again, no judgement, no blame. You're not happy, he's not happy. You will both be happier, and it will be better for the kids, provided you can come to a good custody agreement.

Best of luck,

Dt.

My husband visited a brothel

PhoebeWings — Thu, 14 May 2020 08:43:01 GMT

Sadly, when a man sees a prostitute as an option for sex, it will affect his ability to deeply connect with his true mate.

I suspect that if in early life a hankering develops re the transactional nature of paid sex, strip clubs, massage parlours etc, it spills into future love life - and affects it.

Boys going out and getting drunk, going to strip clubs, brothels....

It stinks. It’s about selfish wants and using women.

A man who pays for sex, objectifies the female - it’s a transaction.

It has the potential to ruin any future deep intimacy with the wife, or any true lover for that matter.

As for Ruth, it sounds like you have long wanted a divorce. Time to act.

My husband visited a brothel

PhoebeWings — Thu, 14 May 2020 08:45:38 GMT

Sorry, that reply appears to Dekt.

I meant it for Ruth, or any woman hurting from this type of situation.

My husband visited a brothel

Deckt — Thu, 14 May 2020 09:16:38 GMT

It's all good, mate! 🙂

My husband visited a brothel

ecomama — Thu, 14 May 2020 10:19:07 GMT

Dear Ruthgada

Well done for finding out the truth. I'm amazed that no one suggested that you get a full STD check like YESTERDAY. Or 20y ago. Explain to your GP why you need them and this will be in your medical records. Awesome.

Please phone Women's Legal Service.

It doesn't matter if H agrees to you serving Divorce papers on him or not. He doesn't have to sign the divorce papers, just that he received them. If H is saying "I will never allow divorce and think of the kids" you can say "I don't need your permission, it's 2020 not the 1800s and I AM thinking of the kids". But I would leave that response till after separation.

You see what Hs behaviour is TEACHING the kids? ewwwww awful.

You don't even have to give a REASON for divorcing anymore, yay. No fault divorce.

I'm with you all the way in how absolutely disgusting and repugnant this is. Never should anyone have to tolerate betrayal to this level and you don't. There's a really cool site, which really helps you look at the bright side of this, laugh even through any tears. Google is your friend.

When it comes to Family Law, it's different. But if you separate all property and get a parenting plan for the kids through eg Relationships Aust, you may be so happy and exH will be as a free as a bird to visit ALL the brothels it feels like. Not your problem anymore.
Getting a divorce from someone like that can feel like having the best shower on earth, cleansing you inside and out from the garbage.

There ARE men in this world who find this behaviour as disgusting as you. Who are faithful and just awesome. If a man makes excuses for this behaviour (including the lies) then run Ruthgada run lol.

My husband visited a brothel

Ruthgada — Fri, 15 May 2020 00:18:55 GMT

We have been talking through every details of our relationship and he regrets & remorseful for his mistakes. He wants another chance to help me get through this and repair our relationship and win me back. He is depressed and sad. He is talking and answering me day &night.

I have so many questions ,doubts.

Should I forgive him and will I be able to involve with him physically?

i feel in some instances I could be blamed for denying sex & intimacy Though instead of talking to me he found easy way out of frustration, loneliness when there was opportunity.

i have summarize below.

After constant doubts and him lieing ,I decided to take him to lie detector test and he failed.

Since then he has been confessing bit by bit first just massage parlor, then visiting brothel before marriage out of curiosity & to check on himself, then after marriage during times of conflicts & lack of intimacy between us under the Influence of friends & alcohol.

My husband visited a brothel

white knight — Fri, 15 May 2020 06:22:35 GMT

I’m wondering- do you doubt your own judgement on this Ruth?

Yes, I find his actions deplorable but now is now and you have a decision to make that only you can make.

On the plus side he is trying. On the negative is trust and other problems.

If you forgave him but held a grudge, he’ll likely leave as he’ll think he can’t do anymore to redeem himself. So I see such forgiveness as an action that needs to be fully completed say within a couple of weeks with lots of talking (including romantic dinners to reignite the flame.) plus counseling.

what is forgiveness? Well 12 months on if you had an argument and he left home you can’t ask him if he went to a brothel otherwise it will dig it all up again, undoing all that work.

I might be unpopular but I do believe you both have a future. I also believe as he is much older now and regretful, he is somewhat a different man.

Punishment? I think he is doing enough of that himself.

Thst is my view

Apart of your reunification plan the following thread might help during arguments

google

beyondblue topic relationship strife?- the peace pipe

TonyWK

My husband visited a brothel

PhoebeWings — Fri, 15 May 2020 07:22:37 GMT

Right,

Ruth I have lived this experience.

I’m feeling for both you and your husband.

Can I just say, the wall that silently existed between my husband and myself, my sense that something was wrong ( which affected our intimacy) - it all was poison in a life that otherwise could be so good.

We can be a great team.

I know for a fact, that it can be ‘addictive’ for men... a go to when there feels like there is no place to go. A few drinks, an escape into a world where HE is number one.

Where the world of stuff he feels he can’t deal with disappears.

So, it’s up to you both isn’t it?

A hard road ahead either way... whether you try to make your marriage work or divorce.

No snap decisions eh?

Can you still imagine a life with him?

Thats the thing.

‘It’ - this ‘thing’ - will never disappear, not completely.

But it is possible to love beyond the hurt and mistakes. To build a richer relationship from broken tools - it can be done. But it won’t be pretty or without some deep insight and commitment.

Its OK. Just take time and talk.

Can I just add, my heart is with the women who get hooked into prostitution.

My husband visited a brothel

white knight — Fri, 15 May 2020 07:28:19 GMT

Post of the month Phoebewings

TonyWK

My husband visited a brothel

White_Rose — Fri, 15 May 2020 11:35:18 GMT

Hello Ruth

You have received all sorts of responses to your situation and as PhoebeWings said, it's your decision on what to do. In some ways this is similar to a domestic violence situation. Husband physically harms his wife and then swears he is sorry and it will not happen again. But it does and the cycle continues. Spouse is often trapped by lack of finances and small children and feels she must stay to give the children a home. It's very distressing.

May I suggest one of your considerations is whether this behaviour will continue once/if you agree to reconcile. If every small disagreement ends with him going to a brothel or similar your life will not be happy. On the other hand he may be genuinely remorseful and it will never happen again. It also depends on whether you can put the whole thing to one side if you agree to stay together. Not an easy thing to do when you have been so hurt.

Staying for the sake of the children does give them a role model of how partners should behave. What do you want them to learn as they grow up? Of course I am certain they know nothing of what has happened. Do you intend to tell them if you separate? I have never told my children why I left my husband and I know one child blames me for the separation. However I feel I cannot tell them so I live with this. I do know my children love me very much regardless of the split, which was 20 years ago. I take comfort in that and we get on with our lives.

There are so many facets to your situation and there is never one solution unfortunately. We all want to be loved and feel our partners want to be with us regardless of the almost inevitable rocky times in our partnerships. I know some people feel these rocky time teach both people the value of working through difficulties while some feel they cannot do this. It's all an individual decision.

the only comment I want to make about when or if you leave is for you to take the action you want. I know it's a great responsibility to have sole care of your children and very hard at times. In the end you must take the step you feel is best and not because of your children. Staying together for them rarely works I have found and you have most certainly been unhappy for some years.

Why not get a referral from your GP and have a chat to a psychologist who has experience in family relationships. RA is a good place to go but maybe you could see a psychologist privately. It's good to chat freely to someone not involved.

Mary