topic No sex ,frustrated and depressed in Relationship and family issues

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Hope4321 — Thu, 16 May 2019 06:20:51 GMT

Hi,

I have been married for almost 5 years now .We have a kid who is almost turning 2.Sex in our relationship was very good untill we had our son ,it was like both parties ready anytime we felt like it.Then after our son was born ,it was still good for a year after he was born.Eventhough not frequently like before,but i was totally ok with that.Then after that 1 year mark my wifes attitude towards sex has changed dramatically.She says she doesnt enjoy sex anymore and shes providing a whole lot of excuses to justify her part.My wife is a very bold and opinionated personality who can be very fun to be around certain times.We used to fight on our differences and use bad words to bring each other down.But that was only occasionally like every couple and it never affected our sex life before.But now shes is bring up all those up and says i have treated her badly and she doesnt deserve that and she cant have sex at the same time.These bad incidents she has been talking about are minor and silly ones.I think shes is trying to justify her part with all these.At home i do a significant part of cooking,washing dishes cleaning and looking after my son when i am home. I also travel for work quite a lot ,during that time she has to do all the work unfortunately.She only works partime also.Anyway i tried communitating openly about my frustration and sadness for not having sex,but she is just very reactive.I have been rejected so many times and when ever she agreed she just lay on the bed like a dead rubber.So for the past few months i stopped initiating sex due to fear of rejection and low self esteem.But for me its causing so much frustration ,sadness and not even sure whether i am depressed.Whenever i see my son playing around me i just forget everything and be happy around the house.i sleep in a different room now and my wife thinks i am happy satisfying my sexual desires by myself.But every night when i go to bed my sadness,depression and frustration creeps in .I am waking up multiple times at night.Just feel helpless and hate life now except my son.I feel like there is no hope to change this coz of the personality of my wife.I have spoke about going to marriage councelling with no response from her.She is living like its not the end of the world.I just had to vent out somewhere.

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

blondguy — Thu, 16 May 2019 09:59:03 GMT

Hello Hope4321

Welcome and for having the strength to speak from the heart too!

I understand what you are going through and from what you have mentioned it can be excruciatingly painful. You have made an effort to suggest joint counseling and good on you. When you mentioned that you had no response....was that a 'no'?

Just my humble opinion....Could you offer to see your wife's GP either jointly or on your own to show your commitment to the relationship/marriage? You have everything to gain and nothing to lose....(just an idea)

What do you think?

my kind thoughts

Paul

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

WhiteBear — Thu, 16 May 2019 10:24:17 GMT

Hi Hope4321,

Please understand that I don’t want to presume that my situation is the same as yours. I can only speak from my experience. I’m hoping it might help you find some answers.

I’m actually going through a separation at the moment. We have 2 children. It actually took 2 years of sleeping in separate beds before I took the courage to really talk to my partner. I was actually the one that was avoiding the intimacy. I was frightened of having more children and the day-to-day parenting had made the relationship pedestrian. Ultimately the spark was never really strong enough.

In the end I realised I had to find the courage to really talk. I started the conversation by saying I just want us to both be happy. It’s important that we’re both honest and transparent with one another.

Avoiding that discussion and allowing fear of rejection to dictate will ultimately have one outcome. It’s extremely difficult and relationships can be so complex and challenging. Try your best to remove the emotion and focus on what’s best for your son. Be caring and don’t try to push a certain outcome that suits your best interests.

We never went to a marriage councillor, but I doubt we would have both opened up honestly in front of a stranger. Try the honest heart to heart if possible, and if that fails, keep suggesting marriage counselling.

Hope that helps.

WB

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Soberlicious96 — Thu, 16 May 2019 11:08:16 GMT

Dear Hope4321,

As I read your post, there were a couple of things that kind of 'jumped out' at me. And please forgive me if I am wrong in what I'm about to say, because I am only seeing one side of the story on here, so there may be far more going on than what I am reading in the post above. Also, I should tell you that I am not a parent ..... but I am a woman with emotional needs, just as your partner is, and just as you are.

The first thing that jumped out at me was where you said that "These bad incidents she has been talking about are minor and silly ones." ..... maybe to you they are, but if she is bringing them up again, then clearly to her they are neither minor, nor silly. Perhaps she is feeling dismissed, if that is what has been said to her? Us women need to know that we can 'vent' to our men, without being told we are 'silly' or things that are of a big concern to us, are just 'minor' to someone else. We all have our different strengths and challenges, so we can all react very differently to what may appear to be the 'same' thing. As my sister once said to me: "If two people are standing at the same window looking out from inside the same room, they will still give you a different perspective on what they see outside."

Also, where you said that "She only works part time" .... maybe in a paid capacity, yes, but what about all the constant care she provides for your son, 24/7, while you are away travelling? Being a Mum is not a part time position, any more than being a Dad is part time.

And finally, childbirth has a huge impact on a person's body and mind, probably in ways she, and you, both never expected, as well as having a major change too on the way you both relate to each other, and to the child. And sex is bound to be affected by those changes. Life as you knew it pre-child, will never be the same again.

Having said all that, we all have needs and sex is certainly a large part of intimacy in a relationship .... but intimacy is also emotional. And I am sorry to hear that you are sleeping in separate rooms. That really makes me sad for you.

I do hope that you can get to some counseling or at least find help and support soon, and that it leads to positive change.

Anyway, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Take care. xo

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Hope4321 — Fri, 17 May 2019 03:53:46 GMT

I have only suggested counselling once during an argument and she kept quiet. The other instance i suggested through message and she didn't reply to that.I haven't really took that effort to sit with her and talk about it seriously ,since i don't see much hope in it rather than giving it a try.And i do understand that women take things differently and they have different emotional needs. Sometimes for me when i have too much other things going through my head like work stress,financial problem,family future etc.., she really can get me on my nerves and we get into arguments which we can't avoid. We had these arguments and emotional breakdowns before as well like every other couple,but at the end i always take the initiative to say sorry and get in good terms.During these arguments i do say things which hurt her feelings about her and her family and she does the same thing to me.I try my best to avoid these confrontations, but she kind of asks for it at least every month to the point she cries and breaks down.Even when we had these arguments and differences ,we had plenty of moments of happiness as a family particularly around my son even now. And the sex was kind of bonding it together before. But now the sex is gone somehow ,i feel very empty and frustrated. We don't have much arguments or emotional breakdowns for the past couple of months since we don't expect anything from each other. She seems to be really ok with that ,but i am deeply hurt and burning inside even though i laugh around. Her focus in life has fully changed to my son and rest of the time she spends a lot of time in mums group forums/online. She doesn't either fully understand the severity of a sexless relationship and take the effort to fix it or she is using it as a weapon/revenge to control me since her libido is gone.

I cant think of a seperation at this stage since my son is too young, but to keep going until i cant take it anymore. For the time being ,i wish at some point in the near future,her sex drive will come back and she will initiate it without thinking of it as a favour to the husband.

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Soberlicious96 — Fri, 17 May 2019 05:22:51 GMT

I know that for a long time I too struggled to understand the opposite sex (which for me, is men) and didn't understand why they are the way they are. But what I found to be very helpful was a couple of books:

One is called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" which explains, in a metaphoric way, why men and women are so different. There is actually a series of them, including one called "Mars and Venus in the bedroom" which you may find helpful? I know it helped me a lot.

I thought of another book too before, but now I can't remember it. Sorry. Bit of a Dory fish, I am!

Anyway,

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

smallwolf — Fri, 17 May 2019 05:42:43 GMT

Hi Hope4321,

To get to my point you will have to put up with a little bit of a story from me... At one time I was in a similar position to you, and I did speak with my wife about the situation and we were able to work out a way forward. Fast forward to today (figuratively speaking) and note that I am also taking ADs and one of the issues with one type of medication were things like "low sex drive" etc. I asked my psychiatrist about this and she said that we would cover that if it happened, as intimacy in marriage is important - slight paraphrase, but the meaning is there. So, in more ways than one I can empathize with your situation.

While you might have communications your frustrations to her, I wonder if you have asked her for her side of the story? What is preventing her to stopping her from ...? And if you mentioned that she doesn't under the impact vs using it as a weapon, then perhaps that conversation is needed? And are there ways that together you could find a way forward?

lastly, you mentioned the arguments as well and that she asks for it. That part of your post I did not understand. Sorry. Would you be able to explain that to me please? It sounds like the arguments get quite personal, and while you might both be able to argue over it, could she (and you) be hurting inside over the words used against each other?

Tim

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Hope4321 — Fri, 17 May 2019 08:24:59 GMT

We went for a weekend trip mid last year and while we were driving we had this very open and non-heated conversation about whats going on from both our sides . She said that she doesn't simply has the bodily desire anymore and doesn't feel good after sex anymore.She mentioned that its mainly when at home that she cant focus on it and she feels a bit into the mood when away from home on holidays. I could understand that with the responsibility of a mum and all. But the interesting thing is, at home i share more than half of the household duties sometimes and looking after my son after doing a full time job.She also mentioned that she cant think of sex after treating her badly during our arguments.But i am not sure how i can put all our differences apart and live a silent non argumentative life. If i had remembered all what she said/did to me and took it personal ,i would not still love her.

She gets agitated with minor things in day to day life and reacts very spontaneously . She will be under stress from work,matters related to our son,her parents and from myself which are all i think within a normal limit for a person.From what i see ,at some point she needs to let it out during an emotional attack on me by exploding and crying it out . She will be happy for a few days/weeks after that. She will create this situation even if i behave well at home since she cant let it out elsewhere. I have to ride along this journey in a cycle every month hearing all those complaints,then fighting and calming down like an emotional roller coaster.I can somehow live with that, since family life is all about sacrifices . But without intimacy ,not even an initiated hug or kiss,thats really hard to live with.

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Doolhof — Fri, 17 May 2019 08:49:10 GMT

Hi Hope4321,

Can you put aside all your expectations relating to what you think your wife owes you and try to pamper her instead?

Is it possible that your wife may have suffered in some way during the birth and maybe her body does not feel receptive to sex due to pain?

If an argument is brewing, tell her you do not desire to engage in an argument, but will be happy to talk to her later when she is calmer. Walk away. Don't fire back, it doesn't help.

Not everyone holds the same feelings about the importance of sex. Maybe your wife is desiring a more emotional connection before she can engage in sex.

For some women, it can feel like a man expects you to be able to flick a switch and hey presto, you instantly want to have sex.

Timing has a lot to do with it too. Wanting sex during the half time break of the footy or after Master 2 has thrown a tantrum just might not work well.

Relationships Australia might be able to offer you some tips as might the Men's Help line.

Sexual issues can damage a relationship, I certainly understand that.

Hope you find some answers and solutions. Cheers from Dools

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

blondguy — Sat, 18 May 2019 17:18:20 GMT

Hi Hope4321

Thank-you for posting back as the members above are providing you with the best support/advice they can

Just so I can understand and sorry for repeating my question.......Have you offered to see your wife's GP with her or on your own to help your marriage? (and I dont mean a marriage counselor)

I am not being judgemental in any way......You mentioned in your opening post that you travel a lot for work and I have done the same....and that can make any relationship difficult.....and unless I have missed it...you didnt mention romance anywhere...If there is only high expectations of sex without romance it will be difficult...very

Soberlicious96 mentioned above " childbirth has a huge impact on a person's body and mind, probably in
ways she, and you, both never expected, as well as having a major change too on the way you both relate to each other, and to the child. And sex is bound to be affected by those changes. Life as you knew it pre-child, will never be the same again"

I do feel the pain you are going through as I have been through it. And yes it hurts

Please be kinder to yourself and offer to see your wife's doctor for a double appointment with her or even on your own. Your wife will see this as a sign of huge inner strength and that you really care about the family you have

I am sorry about the separate sleeping arrangements....that is tough to go through....I remember

you are not alone......(dont forget the romance...it may help more than you know)

your thoughts and feelings are always welcome

Paul

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

geoff — Sun, 19 May 2019 01:39:32 GMT

Hi Hope, please be ensured that I'm not being judgemental here, just answering your comment.

There have been some great comments, which I've read and do agree with, so I had typed out a long reply, but instead, I just want to say, that not much will happen until the two of you are able to sleep in the same bed, that's where the two of you have connected.

Don't anticipate until this is done.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

geoff — Sun, 19 May 2019 02:19:27 GMT

Hi Hope, I have replied back to you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Mum of adult children — Mon, 15 Jul 2019 19:18:56 GMT

Hi, I think I’m a bit like your wife and while I’m not justifying her treatment of you I thought I could explain it a bit. I haven’t felt like sex with my husband for years now. I work full time and he’s been struggling to find work for 18 months and he’s now 66, so it’s really getting less likely. We are heavily indebted and we need to get out of that situation to survive financially. The pressure to keep doing the breadwinner role and my lack of free time affects my happiness. Plus I feel like I’ve lost respect for my husband as he didn’t save for retirement, instead relied on property values to increase.

Im much more financially conservative and we argue about that. He complains I don’t want sex but I just don’t feel like it ever. I take medication for hypertension and I think that lowers my libido. If I suggest anything he does could be done differently, he reacts defensively and calls me names, puts me down and then I feel even less attracted to him. He won’t go to counselling either, which I’ve proposed many times.

i realise this isn’t really offering you advice, but maybe your wife’s lack of libido is similar. I don’t feel like I can lift my desire for sex because of these other factors. It’s the tha need to be fixed first...

good luck.

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Jellis2411 — Mon, 26 Aug 2019 18:48:59 GMT

This really sounds alot like my marriage too.

I'm normally expected to start and finish because he's too anxious to do anything with me, but he will complain about how we don't have sex and take it personally, and if we do have sex, I'm not having an orgasm because he's to sad to try.

Makes me feel isolated, objectified and rejected all in one.

The problem with resolving it, is as tension rises, joy is a minimal experience at each attempt .

He's angry cause I don't want sex, I'm angry because I am constantly picking up his slack around the house because he's stuck in his own head on PC games avoiding me and life.

There's been times where I can't even masterbate because his anxious behaviour is in my head and I'm way too stressed.

Not to mention if I make myself manually finish during, hell get upset with me.

This adds waaaay to much pressure on a lass, the idea of sex is pretty poop TBH

This might give you insight from a female perspective.

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Shockwave — Tue, 27 Aug 2019 04:35:18 GMT

This sounds like my first marriage. My then wife said she had lost interest but the fact of the matter was she was having an affair and getting it elsewhere. Not entirely her fault as I was not meeting her emotional needs. I was studying part time as well as working and was drinking excessively to cope with the stress. We also had two pre 10 year old kids. . In those times I never really understood the differences between men and women and was aghast to learn that, despite being reasonably good looking for my age and quite fit, she had lost interest. Men on the other hand generally find sexual attraction when the woman is physically appealing regardless of whether or not they have been hurt emotionally.

I certainly took what I learned from those days into my second marriage. We communicate openly, rarely resort to name calling, have eachothers back and are best friends as well as lovers. One added benefit is that we no longer have the pressure of raising children . We have 4 kids between us and all in the early 20's. We are now aged in our mid 50's. Consequently, even after 10 years together, our sex life is still strong. In fact it's the best it's ever been. We're intimate about 5-6 times a week, hold hands when walking etc etc . We even went out lingerie shopping last Saturday .

I wish you luck.

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Farfaraway — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 05:34:27 GMT

Mate I hear you, I read the replies and I shake my head. Your post isn't anything new and Ive been going through it for the last 10 years.

Can everyone please stop trying to cover this up. Men and women are different and it's Bulldust to assume we should be monogamous. Its sad and it breaks my heart to say that but please can someone explain it to me any different. Here is how I would verbalise it.

If when we get married and sex is the only thing we do with our partner, how is sex not a sign of love? As in they agree they love each other and the one thing thats is taboo would be to have sex with another person..... Makes sense, but how then if that one thing is so important, why is with holding sex not a bad thing? You cant have it both ways.

Lets put it another way, if a man said to his wife, we are married, I dont want you talking to anyone else. If you do thats classed as cheating. However I don't feel like talking to you anymore, I still love you and want you around, I just don't want to talk. Who has the problem, the husband who doesnt want to talk, or the wife who cheats and just needs to talk to someone?
No i don't think anyone should have to have sex if they don't want to. It's your body and I'm also not into just being thrown a bone. No that is really admirable and my partner has done that for me but it still leaves me feeling empty. I don't want her if she doesnt want me.
However at 48, Im still as randy as when I was 17. Every guy I speak to is the same. Unfortunately for us guys, the desire doesnt wane. If really really sucks to be married to this gorgeous sexy wife, and she is totally hot. I will never get anyone hotter again in my life, I know this, Im punching above my weight. But when I touch her she gets annoyed. Its always the same old excuse, Im tired, Im stressed, I just dont feel like it!!! Bulldust, your a 47 year old women and your just not into sex anymore. Its ok, you don't have to be, its your body, I get it.

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Hope4321 — Tue, 01 Oct 2019 05:27:24 GMT

Just an update on things.

I have taken my wife to a gp to talk about the issue and did some test and it all came back normal. They referred her to a sexual health specialist and my wife took that to a dead end since I couldn't go with her for that appointment unfortunately. Now we are back to square one. I wanted to try counselling, but she is refusing and telling me to change my attitude and behaviour towards her first and then she will think about sex. She will threaten me sometimes for emotional abuse by exaggerating things which I have said to her as a defensive mechanism for arguments she has already started. She has gone to a gp and also spoke to the domestic violence hotline once when she was on her emotional breakdown about things I have said to her out of frustration. She will cry and present in a manner and along with the fact that she is a woman, the people on the other end told her my behaviour is unacceptable and the gp even prescribed her an antidepressant which she refused to take. The reality is even though I get angry sometimes and say some bad things to her when she initiate an argument during her mood swings ,I don't deserve to be treated like this. What I realise is that my wife is an opinionated and stubborn woman since I met her which was ok before pregnancy since sex was there.But after child birth she has gone to the extreme limit and now a completely different woman to deal with. It has been more than 2 years since pregnancy and birth and still things are getting worse day by day. I am trying my best to help her with our son and doing the household duties with no appreciation from her ,tried giving her gifts and taking out for dinner. No change. I am stuck in this scenario to make a hard decision to whether leave her and move on or stay in this for a while to see if anything changes in the future for the sake of my son. All this is taking time and my frustration without intimacy for these period is killing me especially when you are living in a society which focusses lot on sex and intimacy.

No sex ,frustrated and depressed

smallwolf — Wed, 02 Oct 2019 12:27:39 GMT

Hi Hope4321,

I sense you are very frustrated with the situation which is normal - even my psychiatrist when we discussed the effects of anti depressants were having commented on that intimacy was important to a relationship.

I am also cognisant of the fact that is hard if not impossible to make some behave differently - we can only change ourselves. And perhaps I missed this in one of your earlier posts but you mentioned

telling me to change my attitude and behaviour towards her first and then she will think about sex

.Could you tell a little more about that? I know you had said that her work was stressful previously, and putting that onto you at home.

The other side of the coin is how far do you have to compromise or bend for another. On these matters I cannot comment as I do not know the whole story. But if there is a case whereby your wife needs to take an anti depressant, and you get angry at her, if it possible that will what she remembers rather that any positives.

Tim