topic Narc mum in Relationship and family issues

Narc mum

Samvv — Sun, 03 May 2020 07:31:11 GMT

I think my mother is really selfish and jealous of me.

Im pregnant with my first child, left the father due to ongoing abuse and just got through a heavy month waiting for a restraining order, as he had become really troublesome.

I have had to move 6 times in the first trimester, was in a refuge and was having constant severe migraines, the stress was exhausting and put me in hospital twice. I'm just in my third tri now and my mother said I could move back home.

Shortly after she started to nag at me about little things like my washing on the line or how I'm going to burn my toast which I never have.

Then she started bossing me to cook for my dad every night, doesn't ask even thank me now it's just expected. She buys the food and tells me off if I don't eat it, even if I don't like it.

She tries to compete with me if dad compliments my food. She puts me down and starts telling me off all the time. I try to do nice things to help her out lie walking the dog so it doesn't poop inside, and she's completely dismissive and ungreatful. She argues with me about anything and everything, then blames me.

She makes underhanded comments about my weight, what I eat, my money and constantly compares me to others and ridicules my hobbies.

She backstab my father as soon as he leaves the room.

I don't want her in my life and am on my last nerve. I've already tried to talk to her in the past nicely, she plays the victim tells me she wishes she had aborted me and tells my dad I'm trouble causing rifts between us.

She tries to dress me like her, and makes constant jealous comments about my weight and size of my baby. if I say no and tell her to stop spending money, she guilt trips me and back stabs me but also tells people im too dependant on her, I'm not at all and feel she tries to make me so she can put me down.

Im beginning to hate her.

She made a comment about family's who take custody of daughters kids the other day and demanded that it does happen as if a threat. She told me my ex contacted her online and wouldn't confirm if she's blocked him which were police orders as he's under AVO.

She got upset and vindictive when I wouldn't let HER name my only son!

i don't want her in my life at all but if I try to speak up I will be homeless again. I'm 35 have had a really hard time lately and really need her to back off before I end up sick again.

There is 3.5 months to go before I can afford to move out. She gets worse by the day

I can't take it anymore 😢

Narc mum

white knight — Sun, 03 May 2020 07:47:55 GMT

Hi, welcome

I fully understand and I’m sorry but the few things you can do in this situation is move out.

To day my mother is the same is an understatement and I did try for decades , finally when I reached 54yo I broke contact- it was 10 years ago.

You might be very interested in an article written by Dr Christine Lawson. Google this

Queen witch hermit waif

Reply anytime

TonyWK

Narc mum

Guest909 — Sun, 03 May 2020 09:00:46 GMT

Hi Samvv

Ultimately, you will have to move out as soon as you can; the situation will only get worse.

You didn't say a lot about your dad; is he supportive; is he someone that you can turn to for help. If yes, he might be the key to your sanity while living at home.

I'm guessing your dad has the same problem that you have; your mother. The only difference is, he can't move out, but you can when you are ready.

Just a few thoughts!

Narc mum

Samvv — Sun, 03 May 2020 10:16:59 GMT

Hi thanks for the thoughts. I would move out but really can't afford to right now. Rent is so expensive. It was cheaper in my home town, but the person with the AVO lives there and was stalking me for months.

There really isn't anything I can do to get out earlier, housing waiting lists are huge because of the bushfires. And I already called DHS, they said there is a huge waiting list, years long.

Im still in counselling and it's coming along great until I have to confront her.

I think I will cut her out once I get out. I've only been here two months and have a good relationship with my dad, when she's not home.

He knows this is going on and does try to defend me but she threatens him too.

I know I can't change her. I'm still in shock that this is who she is.

Narc mum

Samvv — Sun, 03 May 2020 10:25:56 GMT

Hi, yeah Mum and Dad have had years of hidden marital problems.

They fight a lot and Dad often spends all day avoiding her. He can be very bad tempered too especially if he drinks, but since I asked him to stop drinking (I'm worried about his health) he hasn't for over a month.bim really proud of him, but she continues to berate him saying it won't last.

I know I've got to leave and I will. She won't come and see me or call, she never has and I'm glad of that so, realising this makes coping with 3 months a bit easier.

I think she's always been jealous that I'm closer to my dad, but it's not deliberate I just find him interesting and we have more in common. He doesn't mind who I am, but she's always putting me down.

He says she's very jelous of me and that hurts.

I feel kind of like she has some sense of entitlement to my child and after all I've just been through with the ex and still have to face, to have to deal with a controlling nasty mother is just so grinding.

Thanks for the reply, I feel better just being able to say something.

I have tried talking to others and they say I should show her compassion, but I can't bring myself to do that on top of everything right now.

Narc mum

white knight — Sun, 03 May 2020 10:40:31 GMT

I still get the “You should show compassion because she’s your mother” comments

My answer to that is- “only the children of s narcissistic mother know what it’s like to be her child”

The narcissistic parent befriends others as a tool against there enemies.

This is all explained in the topic

Queen witch hermit waif

worth googling

TonyWK

Narc mum

Samvv — Sun, 03 May 2020 10:43:58 GMT

I just googled Queen Witch Hermit Waif, and wow that is very helpful.

Borderline runs on my mother's side of the family, my cousin said she has it and I believe her sister may have as well.

My aunt I as going through a terrible time with them both. Thank you for sharing this with me and relating too. Sometimes in my life I have felt my lack of healthy relationship to my mother has left a massive hole, but I'm ready to fill it now and walk away. I can't fix this.

Narc mum

white knight — Sun, 03 May 2020 12:52:00 GMT

Hi Samvv

Narc mum

Guest909 — Sun, 03 May 2020 21:33:56 GMT

Hi Samvv

You don't owe your mother anything. Just keep that in mind!

My wife had a similar experience with an abusive narc mother, it scared her for life and ultimately it destroyed our 30+ year marriage. My wife ended up turning into the very person she despised the most; her mother.

I would agree with your observation that mental health problems run in families; it certainly was a problem that ran back many generation in my wife's family. It might be genetic or environmental, passing from parent to child.

In the meantime, you have your dad. Try and build on that relationship. I think he needs you just as much as you need him.

Narc mum

white knight — Sun, 03 May 2020 21:58:39 GMT

Hi Mr Paul

Sound advice in your posts and I’m sure they are appreciated

In my case in my earlier life prior to 1992 when my father died, our mother used our father as a weapon. He was scared of her and she knew he was her greatest weapon.

In 1989 I’d spent 12 months away from my mother and my father refused to have any contact with me as he believed it was being disloyal. But I told him “if I don’t see eye to eye with my mother- why should I lose my father also?

The problem is: narcissists use people as easily manipulative tools to achieve an end purpose- to win a dispute.

Countless family breakups resulted in reuniting then all would be ok for a year or two until her focus would change from other relatives to me or my sister. The merry go round had to stop permanently and so it did by my sister and I breaking off all contact with her. She is now 89yo.

Our mother has favourites. Her nephew and grand daughter (she has told us) is her favourites. Both of them are “the golden children” that have no idea what it’s liked to be owned by her, dominated and emotionally abused.

Breaking off contact is the only way towards peace.

TonyWK

Narc mum

white knight — Sun, 03 May 2020 22:52:34 GMT

A good description of s narcissistic parent

https://lonerwolf.com/narcissistic-mother-father/

TonyWK

Narc mum

Guest909 — Mon, 04 May 2020 00:12:56 GMT

Hi Tony

I would have to agree with you.

My wife severed all links with her mother back in the mid 90s. She had no other option; you can't reason with a narc.

Unfortunately, twenty-five year of parental abuse had taken its toll on my wife's mental health. When my wife severed ties with her mother, I thought she was on the long road to recovery; I was wrong. Her childhood issues were simply suppressed and out of sight.

Survivors of an abusive childhood seem to have problems maintaining a healthy relationship so necessary for a successful marriage - just my untrained opinion.

I hope things turned out for the best between you and your father.

Cheers

Narc mum

Samvv — Thu, 07 May 2020 11:15:37 GMT

I suppose there are things I have not said.

I love my dad and he has said she's difficult, but he sides with her, he lets her win and she knows it.

He is also abusive and being around him is like walking on thin ice. I struggle to be able to talk to him. He's angry all the time.

He beat me badly when I was little. I had a horrible scapegoat childhood.

I can't tell my councillor how stressful it is to be here because I feel like my parents are always listening.

When she's unhappy with me, she suck's up to him and plays victim and becomes this child like personality I don't even know her.

Im trying to ignore her but she's getting worse.

Im 27 weeks pregnant, have no friends here and no furniture. I feel like a loser. I feel like I should just give the child to his father because I can't handle it.

I'm starting to save after paying off SML debts I used to get away from my baby's father who threatened me with a weapon 2 months ago, he also raped me twice. I've moved from shelter to shelter 5 times, even sleeping on someone's mouse infested couch avoiding coming here.

Still every day she will nag at me about something.

Im thinking maybe I should just get a place and not worry about no furniture, as long as it's warm, right? I have a mattress and some baby stuff and a few months to work this out.

in reality how Hard can it be to support your daughter for 3 months through the worst time of her life so she can save for her baby? How hard?

Narc mum

Sophie_M — Thu, 07 May 2020 11:51:14 GMT

Hi Samvv,

We are sorry to hear about what you have been through, it sounds like things have been really difficult for you for so long. It sounds like things are especially difficult right now while being 27 weeks into your pregnancy. But we want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Please also know that there is always help available to you. There are support services available to you 24/7, and we would strongly recommend that you reach out to 1800RESPECT for support. You can contact them, anytime, on 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au/ for online chat.

We are also currently checking in with you by email for offer some extra support tonight.

Please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.

Narc mum

Guest909 — Fri, 08 May 2020 00:02:11 GMT

My apologies, I thought you and your dad had a good relationship.

Have you had a talk with someone from "Relationships Australia" (RA)? If not, they might be able to help with some of the practical problems you are having; accommodation, living expenses etc...

If you have not already done so, have a talk to RA about getting financial support from the father of you child. In some cases, the courts will priorities a hearing for interim "spousal support" orders. A spousal support order may be enough to get you into temporary accommodation while other property maters are being sorted out. It would be a good first step.

Let us know how things are progressing; others on this forum may have some practical advice that might be of some assistance.

Stay in touch!

Narc mum

white knight — Fri, 08 May 2020 01:42:51 GMT

Hi Samvv

We now get a more in depth view of your circumstances.

We all pay our taxes and donate items to charity so the needy can fall on the services when required. This is such a situation and all you need is hope. Hope and being positive will get you through this.

So I would pursue avenues towards accommodation. There is often furnished bungalows in peoples back yards that are warm and comfortable.

It will take some work to seek out such help. The organisations like st.vincent de Paul and rotary, lions clubs can help you. Explain the situation fully.

In s few short years you’ll look back and realise you were s fighter, and you did it tough, but you found stability through determination.

TonyWK