topic where do I start in Relationship and family issues

where do I start

Herbygal — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 13:13:51 GMT

not sure where to post this thread it's all foreign to me, I've been with my partner for 40 years the last 10 have been unbearable dealing with my husband's depression. I've been verbally abused many many times, physically abused and have had to call the police, I know I have been living in hope that some miracle will h a open and he will go back to who he was before all this, I know he loves his family, grandkids and me, he is getting treatment that is not helping, I feel like I am drowning now even though I love him so much, I'm scared of him but I know he is so unwell, I'm lost to know what to do. I'm so exhausted. I'm crying all the time now. i don't know how to start again by myself at my age, it's so messed up.

where do I start

Sophie_M — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 13:33:18 GMT

Hi Herbygal,

Thanks for sharing this on the beyond blue forums. Opening up about your struggles is not always an easy thing to do. It is great that you've taken the step to reach out here tonight. If you'd like to talk these feelings through please, contact our support team anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm - midnight. It sounds like you are really trying your best to get through this and we hope you receive some support from our community.

where do I start

Stumblingon — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 23:20:14 GMT

So sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with such a difficult dilemma. Do you have friends or family you can stay with while you gather your thoughts and consider your next steps? It may even give your husband pause to know you have reached your limit and that he needs to make some real changes or risk losing you.

where do I start

Herbygal — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 23:40:58 GMT

Tank you for your suggestions which are so appreciated. Everybody has supporred him and talked till we are exhausted,. he has moved out temporarily to doggerent places. He has periods of recovery followed by periods of impatience and anger. Many professional avenues have not helped. if I move on he gets more aggressive. I'm not sure whether to live like this and just enjoy the short spurts of good and try to withdraw and not care when it's bad or to stop altogether and try and start a less stressful life
I feel sorry for him
I have nightmares about him
but I've had my whole life with this man and don't know how to stop caring so much

where do I start

Herbygal — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 23:56:21 GMT

whoops
sorry about the spelling I'm typing through floods if tears

where do I start

Stumblingon — Sat, 21 Sep 2019 22:59:41 GMT

Do you see a counselor or anyone to discuss what you are going through? Maybe talking to someone with experience supporting carers could help clarify your feelings and help you decide the best way forward for both of you? You naturally want to support your husband but he needs to want to change. It sounds like you need to give yourself some much needed nurturing before you can find the strength to support him.

where do I start

Herbygal — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 10:04:43 GMT

i have given so much support and forgiveness but he always slips back into the same patterns of behaviour
I really think moving on is my only decision now to save any shred of who I am
I'm quickly becoming depressed too
no point in going down with the ship when the captain is only worried about himself anyway
I know mental health is complicated but I can't make a difference
I just have so much guilt and sadness at letting 40 years of relationship go
im having terrible nightmares

where do I start

Stumblingon — Mon, 23 Sep 2019 09:07:22 GMT

Do you have a vision for your future that gives you a sense of peace? What do you need to do to make it reality? Not that chasing fantasy is always the path to happiness, reality can rarely compete with the imagination. But still I feel that a sense of inner peace is a good guide to what we really want from life.

where do I start

Herbygal — Mon, 23 Sep 2019 10:06:43 GMT

thanks for your caring reply
I don't know how to get myself to inner peace anymore
I just sit around crying
I know I can't go back into that dangerous situation but don't know how to get myself forward
I'm lost
in limbo
I'm not having good thoughts or not sleeping
I'm so scared I really don't know what life holds for me at 62 years old starting again

where do I start

Seadragon17 — Mon, 23 Sep 2019 11:19:34 GMT

Oh dear - how difficult.

You owe it to yourself to live a better life than this. Sometimes the one we are in seems the safer one because we know it but this sort of environment is too destructive to you on every level. Please seek help through beyond blue support line, lifeline etc. You need support to help you be strong. It is hard to imagine but life can be so different and better. Please don't suffer anymore.

where do I start

Stumblingon — Mon, 23 Sep 2019 11:20:18 GMT

You mentioned that he has moved out briefly before. Do you think that is something he might agree to on a longer or permanent basis? Is there anyone who may be able to mediate for you to reach an amicable agreement for separation?

where do I start

Juliet_84 — Mon, 23 Sep 2019 11:33:37 GMT

Hi herbygal,

I would recommend doing what I did when I left an abusive relationship, and that is start to mentally prepare yourself beforehand. I have some medical conditions, one of which is life threatening, and I thought that there was no way I could ever leave. Plus I was so low from the constant abuse I could barely get through each day. But I started very slow, practicing self-care, getting out of bed, buying books, sitting in the sunshine, doing little things for myself that made me feel a bit better. Started doing more and more things on my own until eventually one day it just felt easier to leave than to stay, and now I wonder how I ever let it get so bad. You only have one life, and once it’s over it’s done, is this how you want to live it?

where do I start

Herbygal — Mon, 23 Sep 2019 12:14:27 GMT

thank you for your very thoughtful replies
I too suffer terrible arthritis and fibromyalgia
I don't know how to go back to work
I'm grieving what was not what it is now
one minute I feel a bit stronger but then I just dissolve into deep despair again
I just feel ill all the time
such a scared em ppl th sick feeling like there's nothing left for me yet I know I love my family but it's too hard on them trying to sort it
they are well stressed out
it's terrible
he's still in caravan at our house
he refuses to communicate
so hard

where do I start

Seadragon17 — Mon, 23 Sep 2019 21:14:47 GMT

Grieving about what was once, is a beautiful thing because it reminds you that life was wonderful and purposeful and happy. Grieving is normal and feels sad but over time you start to see that grief just shows you that you care and are loving. Those moments you are grieving are not lost, they are still there and they will comfort you all through the rest of your life. Life is simply a cluster of chapters. We all have favourite chapters and you can re-read these over and over again just to keep them alive. But just don’t let yourself stay in the chapters at the beginning of your book. You might have a chapter yet to open which also becomes your favourite. You need people to support you as turning pages is scary. But you should do it. It seems so hard and you have to feel brave but when you do, it will be amazing. Please take care of yourself and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. But value that you are worth more than this. That will guide your decisions.