topic Want to separate from a narcissistic husband. in Relationship and family issues

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 — Sun, 07 Jul 2019 12:24:34 GMT

I’ve been married for 26 years and have 3 children. The youngest is almost 18. My husband and I basically got married because I got pregnant when I was 21. There has been multiple cheating and emotional abuse by my husband early in our marriage and he has a strained relationship with with our children. I definitely dont love him anymore, and I’ve tried many times to talk to my husband about our issues, and about the relationship or lack there of with his children, he either makes me feel like I’m crazy, and there’s nothing wrong, or telling me that it’s not his fault it’s the kids fault......he refuses to take any responsibility for anything. That’s when I realised that I’m dealing with a narcissist. It fit him to a t. Everything is an effort for him, he will not do things for the kids with a willing heart, he makes them feel like it’s an inconvenience for him. He’s very selfish. I have had enough and I want to leave. I have been listening to an audiobook called “Will I Ever be Free of You?” Which has been so helpful. It’s helped me to understand narcissistic behaviour, and makes me realise I can find the strength within myself to leave this marriage. I’m not afraid of being alone, I know financially it will be a struggle but I think being free of this person will be worth it. I am not looking for another relationship, I look forward to my independence and freedom! I am a little afraid however for when the time comes to actually say the words “I want a separation/divorce” I’m afraid of his reaction, I’m afraid that he’ll get furious and try to make me feel like a wicked person or try to convince me to stay, that he’ll change or that I’m over reacting. I haven’t been to any therapy or counselling, but I think I may need to (although finances are tight) so I can find the strength to deal with this once and for all, so that I can live the rest of my life, happy. That’s all I want, to be happy. I would love to hear from anybody who has had similar experiences and who have found the strength and courage to get out of a bad relationship and find happiness again.

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

smallwolf — Mon, 08 Jul 2019 09:05:38 GMT

Hi Stasia71,

welcome to beyond blue.

Sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard space, and from your description it sounds very much like a one sided relationship.

It is a big decision to make. I can imagine there would be many things running through your head when you think about talk to your partner about separating. How would you react if he did say he would change? It sounded as though your mind was made up until that point in your post. In the end, and as with most things it is about making a plan, and owning that decision, whatever it is.

But does your partner know it has gotten this far?

With that said, everyone deserves to live a happy life.

Tim

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Trustyourgut — Mon, 08 Jul 2019 11:13:32 GMT

Hi,

Good on you for realising your own self-worth. It is so daunting the realisation that you need to leave and the fear associated with finding a way to follow through with it somehow. I left my Narcissistic husband (who sounds similar to yours) and father of my children about 6 months ago. I had thought I'd seek help and develop a plan to leave but in the end things escalated once I began to stand up for myself and I ended up leaving due to fear of staying and what would happen if he found out I was going to leave before I'd left. It was the most scary, sickening and difficult thing I have ever done. I had a couple of friends step in at a moments notice and guide me through it, ensuring my safety and caring for my kids while I told him in a public place with just a few pre-prepared lines and NO discussion under any circumstances. Discussion leaves room for manipulation, guilt, gaslighting and self-doubt etc. He has for 6 months since overstepped the boundaries I have tried to establish around contact. I have been determined not to get sucked back in and have found the best way of doing this was staying with family (so not alone), having minimal or no contact and writing down or having people remind me of why I left and validate my position over and over. It has been REALLY hard, esp with the kids tying us together. Find your best supports and ask them for help. Get a Psychologist, it's worth the investment.

I wish you great strength and self-love. I admire you a lot.

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 — Mon, 08 Jul 2019 12:05:46 GMT

I’ve tried to talk to him about it, be he doesn’t like talking about our issues, I’ve even tried to text it to him since he doesn’t want to talk, but he said to me “what was the point of that text!” He’s in such denial and I think if we separated it will ruin his comfortable life, since I’m the one who does the finances and make sure we have our insurance cover, bills paid up to date etc, I work as much as he does but he acts like he’s the harder worker out of us. I’ve been feeling like this for years, but he always finds a way to charm me and then I question if I’m being the difficult one....but his narcissistic side reveals itself again and we are back to square one. My kids watch the clock and when they know he’ll be home they’ll go to their rooms, even they don’t like being around him. It’s sad. Now that my youngest is almost 18, i feel like I can make a break and find some happiness again.

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 — Mon, 08 Jul 2019 12:22:52 GMT

Thank you, you give me hope. I’ve been feeling like this for many many years, actually I haven’t felt the same love for him since I found out he cheated on me when my two older children was only 6 and 3. I’ve stayed mainly because of financial reasons and now that my youngest child is almost 18, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure how he’ll react when I tell him I want to divorce, he’ll either be furious or try to charm me into staying, and make feel like I’m destroying our family. I’ve tried to talk to him before, I told him that because we married so young we never had the chance to pursue our individual dreams, and that we should move on in separate ways to find what makes us happy.....all he said is as “what was the point in that!” And he never wanted to discuss the subject again. I think he’s just comfortable, just going to work and ever having to worry about the bills, the groceries or even the tax returns because I do everything. He’s got a pretty good life and I have reached the point where I just want to take care of myself, be on my own and not have to answer to anyone. That would be my ideal life. ☺️ 🌺

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

smallwolf — Tue, 09 Jul 2019 02:04:15 GMT

Hi Stasia71,

It sounds as though you have pretty much made up your mind, and concerned at the same time that he might convince you to stay. If you were convinced to stay, how would you feel?

Tim

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 — Tue, 09 Jul 2019 12:45:02 GMT

I would feel like I am just delaying the inevitable....and wasting both our time....but I know how much he relies on me for everything and he’ll probably get into another relationship quickly because he doesn’t know how to be alone and responsible for himself and his finances. I will be happy for him to find someone else, for me, there is nothing left, I don’t feel anything for him anymore.

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

smallwolf — Wed, 10 Jul 2019 03:09:25 GMT

Do you think he does not look at himself and get involved in finances because you are there? For example, what would happen if you were able to go on holidays for a week or two (by yourself) and some billed came in that had to be paid?

(My dad had to assume some responsibilities regarding his health. Sure, it relates to something different to what you are going through, but mum cannot be responsible for literally everything. I don't know how she broached this topic with him but it worked. There comes a time when each person has to the able to look after themselves to some degree.)

Your post seem to show you have already checked out of the relationship, and if that is the case, and you are concerned about him convincing you to stay, have you a plan for the conversation to handle this scenario if it should arise?

Tim

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 — Wed, 10 Jul 2019 05:32:41 GMT

If I go away I make sure there is always cash in the bills account to over any direct debits. I think he doesn’t want to face all the bills that need to be paid, he has said multiple times that he can take over, but when he’s faced with it, it’s too overwhelming for him..

My ideal would be a amicable separation and divorce. I don’t hate him, I just don’t want to be married anymore. If that is possible then it will keep costs down, our only debt is our mortgage so I think that will make things easier. Not knowing how he’ll react is the scariest part, but I want to save and prepare for every outcome.

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

smallwolf — Wed, 10 Jul 2019 21:50:41 GMT

Nothing in life in certain. There are a few ways this can go...

if you have the conversation with your husband he might (a) convince you to stay, or (b) agree with you re separation, or (c) the conversation goes in a different direction than anticipated where there is still forward movement.

you do not have the conversation and nothing changes. And there is a certain comfort (?) here in knowing the the outcome, how you feel etc.? For example, you don't have to worry about him trying to convince you the stay.

Do you agree or disagree with the above?

(It is difficult telling your partner something important or distressing or might hurt the other person. There have been times when my psychologist suggested to me I chat with my wife about this or that. And these conversations for me can be difficult to start. But I also know that once the conversation is over, a weight is lifted from me. Also between the time that I figured I need to talk with her to the actual conversation I would be constantly worried about her reaction.)

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

lilykitten — Sat, 13 Jul 2019 02:34:08 GMT

I would have an escape plan because that is what it is. Have somewhere or someone to go to. Have a date set to implement the plan. Look at all the things that could go wrong and have plans to avoid them. Maybe if your husband couldn't cope with financial management write him a set of simple instructions with account numbers and dates listed. Check out all the websites on separation in your state and work out how to best sort out the finances in preparation to leave. Don't forget about superannuation, that has to be split too.

Get legal advice from the start. When my husband and I split 12 months ago we were friendly and joking about it. Six months later it was clear he found caring for himself impossible and the indifference of the kids to seeing him made him so upset and he blamed me. Our amicable divorce has got very nasty and wastefully expensive.

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Mell92 — Sat, 13 Jul 2019 09:00:58 GMT

Hi stasia71 in new to the group so not sure how this all works. I’ve been married 4 yrs and we have 1 Yr old together. I feel like I am in the same boat as you. You must be a very strong person and courageous in finding the strength to leave. I’m hoping my relationship improves in time for the sake of our little one but yet, so doubtful. Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you that’s all xx

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 — Sat, 13 Jul 2019 10:49:51 GMT

Yes I do agree there is a small level of comfort in just keeping the peace and not rocking the boat, but that’s what I’ve been doing for years now, and I’m tired of it. I feel like life is passing me by and there is more I want out of life. The conversation will happen, just need to time it right. Thank you for your input and advice I really do appreciate it. ☺️

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Anina — Sat, 13 Jul 2019 14:14:09 GMT

Hi and welcome

Once you take that first step out of the door (if you decide to) you will be free. That first step is always the hardest. Your mental and emotional health is the most important gift to yourself. I always ask myself? Is staying teaching my children the right way they expect a man to behave. I apologise if I seem blunt. It is time you had your life back. I am sure he will survive managing his life and finances. The problem is we feel guilty and think they can’t. Let go of the guilt. One step forward is a step in the right direction. Good luck and I pray you find peace

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 — Sat, 13 Jul 2019 21:41:58 GMT

Yes you are right, the hardest part is taking the first step. My eldest son admitted to me not long ago that he felt resented by his dad growing up, and my other two children feel the same way, so staying in this marriage has done nothing to make my children happy. I’ve always felt pressure from my extended family to stay in this marriage, but now I feel like I’m loosing myself....I’ve even been on antidepressants thinking that I’m the one with the problem. I no longer take them because I only have feelings of anger and depression when he’s at home, when he’s at work or out doing his hobbies, the house is so calm and everyone is so relaxed. He just rubs everyone the wrong way and I don’t want to endure more years of unhappiness. I fantasise about my life free of him and that keeps me moving forward and planning my escape from this marriage.

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 — Sat, 13 Jul 2019 21:51:55 GMT

Thank you. It’s nice to have a place to come and get support and advice. We’ve been living in Australia for almost 4 years now and I’ll guess I was hoping the lifestyle change will improve things, but it hasn’t. I don’t have family or my close friends around me, so I am happy to have found this forum. I wish you the best and enjoy every second of your 1 year old, they grow way too fast. ☺️

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 — Sat, 13 Jul 2019 22:01:35 GMT

Thanks for the advice I really appreciate the time you took to share with me. If we were to separate I wouldn’t leave the house as I have 2 children still with me, so I hope that we can just live together until we sell the house and then rent until the divorce is finalised. I know it probably won’t go as smoothly as that, but I’m thankful that my youngest is almost 18 so we won’t have to deal with custody issues. Our only debt is our mortgage and $8k in small loans, no credit cards. I just hope he will just realise that we haven’t been happy in years. The problem has always been he’s an avoider, I cannot talk to him, and he just blocks out any issues I want to talk about. It’s going to be hard but I know it’s necessary, life is just too short not to be happy.

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

smallwolf — Sun, 14 Jul 2019 03:01:26 GMT

Hi,

Its me again. I have read through the last posts to see what I might have missed. There were a couple of things that in them, by coincidence that I spoke with the psychologist about at my most recent session. I mentioned to my psychologist that I am not one to rock the boat, and that I can make everything look good on the outside and on the inside there hurt, anger etc. To cut a long story short, my homework between then and the next session is the rock the boat if I feel the need to. If there is something going wrong, then speak to that.

Have you thought about how or where you might have this conversation with your partner? (Whenever my wife and I have to chat about something (based on something from a session) we typically do it at a cafe. For a number of reasons including we are not interrupted by things or kids at home and we can concentrate on the matter at hand, and not that this is really an issue for us, but ensures the conversation does not get emotional.) This might not good for everyone, but wanting to have a conversation is one thing, and another the work out the how, where and when.)

Tim

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 — Sun, 14 Jul 2019 04:31:21 GMT

Yes I feel like a wear a mask at times to hide from the feelings of hurt I feel inside, mainly because that’s how I’m expected to act. You see, early in our marriage my husband cheated on me, he admitted to 5 or more affairs, and then expected me to get over it...I couldn’t and I went to my mum and told her what had happened and that I wanted to separate from him....I felt I had no support, she told me it was ok if he left, but I shouldn’t be the one to leave, after what he did to me, I felt my family supported him more than me. I felt pressure to stay for the kids sake, and try to make it work. Years later my mum came to realise that she shouldn’t have interfered with my marriage and she regretted telling me to stay, and that she feared for me being alone with the kids. I don’t blame my mum, she’s from a culture that is expected to stick it out no matter what, and it’s a sign of strength not weakness to stay in a marriage. I have never loved my husband the way I did before I found out about his cheating. I just feel like I’m playing a role. Sometimes I don’t talk to him, and he never, absolutely never asks me what’s wrong, he just gets irritated at me. When I do bring up our issues, he just doesn’t want to talk, he shuts down and says he doesn’t know what I’m on about. I end up leaving the conversation thinking I’m crazy. Im sure he feels the awkwardness in the house but he just pretends everything is ok. The kids don’t come out of their rooms when he’s home, and he doesn’t see it as in issue with him, but with them. I have confronted him many times about his relationship with his kids, but he just blames them.....he doesn’t realise that he’s created distance between them because he’s always picking on them, criticising them and when they ask him to do something, it’s always an inconvenience for him. I don’t think staying with him has helped my kids in any way....I’ve been trying to keep the peace, but as the kids get older, they are speaking their minds more. I just think we would all be happier if we just split. The kids have asked me why I put up with him.....so they are staring to see past my mask, to the drained and unhappy person I really am.

Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

smallwolf — Mon, 15 Jul 2019 02:59:05 GMT

From the way you are speaking, it sounds like the kids and you have to walk on egg shells around him.

You said that when you bring up issues, he shuts down. Two things came to mind when you said that...

The first is how often you can have a regular conversation with him?

And the other question is whether you can identify a cause as to behind him in shutting down? A need to be right? Or not allowed to admit a problem?

It probably won't help the current situation, but it may give you a way to find a way forward as well. As you also said that you come out of these conversations thinking you are crazy. I think you also mean that you come away feeling like the bad person.

My own father was perfectionist. Things had to be done a particular way. If not, you were wrong! Rather binary. Perfect or wrong, and therefore critical. Because of where he and I were at, and mum was involved in this conversation, we spoke about his need for perfection. His answer was that he felt insecure in himself, and attached his self worth to perfection. Of course this was many many years ago.

Now my story above may or may not relate to you, but it helped me to understand why he was the way he was, and see him in a different light, as someone who was fragile or frightened, but scared to say it until much later on.

Will close with two questions - (1) what do you tell your kids, and (2) what would your life like as a happy person? (Please don't feel compelled to answer these questions)

Tim