topic Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex in Relationship and family issues

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

JennyA — Tue, 25 Feb 2020 09:43:25 GMT

Married 29 years. Both Christian upbringing. No sex before marriage.

I was naive, especially when I was young & loved my husband. I could never believe he could hurt me. 5 years into our marriage, I saw he was looking at porn. I was devastated. Same issue resurfaced 2 more times over next 15 years. It’s to the point where we agree we both have a diff view on what's right & wrong. I classify porn as cheating &he thinks having a look is ok. In our arguing he says looking at women is enjoyable, just as looking at men is pleasurable for a woman (I did enjoy watching Magic Mike) & it doesn't mean he loves me less. We compromised 7 years ago, porn is not allowed & he can look at anything else long as it doesn't cross the line we made. This was a fair compromise &he has kept his end of the bargain, but Ive not been unable to recover from the damage he did in the past. We cant watch a movie together if nude/semi clad female, is on screen. We cant see sexy women walk by. These things just make me so angry that I know my husband is "enjoying" looking & feeding his desire to look at things that fuel his sexual thoughts.

Like most men, he's a very sexual person with a high sex drive & wants orgasms often. He is very unselfish in the bedroom & takes even more pleasure than I do, about seeing me satisfied every time. I don't have the same drive & wouldn't miss it if we stopped but I have come to enjoy & want it more over the last 15 years. But every time we get to a good place, something happens.He says we need to be on the same page when it comes to enjoying all things sexual. He thinks I should enjoy the topic of sex more, so we won't fight so much about everyday sexual things. He calls me conservative & heavily blames our upbringing for the way I think about sex.

I am still a believer in Christ but he has become sceptical over the years. Even though he betrayed me by looking at porn, he is very loyal & has never physically cheated on me. We’re both proud that we’ve only had ourselves as sexual partners.

I have deep issues in me that have been caused by his actions & now this problem has invaded every other part of our lives to the point that we now have a sexless marriage. He can't believe that I haven't pleasured myself in months & can't understand it's not important to me like it is to him. We went to a counselor and it didn't solve much as we disagree on the topic.
I don’t want divorce but we’re so far apart on this topic I feel we are unable to reconcile

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

Number 86 — Tue, 25 Feb 2020 10:10:05 GMT

Hi JennyA's,

Most guys look at porn, if they say they don’t they lying lol.

I think it’s good your husband is honest about it though and I also understand if it makes you angry you both should be able to have a civil conversation and work through it.

And some reassurance, most men’s sex drive declines with age due to reduced testosterone.

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

Deckt — Tue, 25 Feb 2020 10:18:03 GMT

Just to be clear.... it's ok for you to watch a movie about male strippers, but it's not ok for him to watch a movie with semi-dressed women? Because he looked at porn three times over twenty years? Classing this as "betrayal" seems to be a bit of an over-reaction.

Men tend to be more aroused by visual imagery, and women more by emotional stimuli. For example, many women have enjoyed the "50 Shades" books, which many would consider pornographic. This seems to be a double-standard.

I understand your hurt feelings, but I understand his position as well. Think of it like this - does it really matter where he gets his appetite, as long as he comes home for dinner?

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

Mary_2 — Tue, 25 Feb 2020 10:51:09 GMT

Hey Jenna,

You are not alone in your position. For me it was the girl at checkout of shop, or a mum at school etc. who would flirt and wink with him. Gosh I am standing right beside my husband. He didn’t mind this attention, but at same time he couldn’t understand why this would upset me.
It is just hurtful. Guess it made me feel less.

Which of course makes any intimacy difficult.

The fact he acknowledges his behaviour and you discuss it, is awesome.

It sounds you are both great in communication in regards to your current issue. If 1st Counsellor didn’t work, maybe try a different one. Having this 3rd party perspective may benefit you both.

Kind Regards

Mary

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

Betternow — Tue, 25 Feb 2020 21:53:08 GMT

Hi Jenny

I can’t provide a solution to the impasse. I wouldn’t give up on counselling even though your first experience achieved nothing. Sometimes finding the right counsellor fir you is all it takes to find a breakthrough. I respect your religious values, having myself grown up in a strict 1950s Catholic family environment.

However, it may pay off for you to consider a few points. You say you have close to a 30 year marriage to a man who loves you, has never physically cheated and is unselfish in the bedroom. Yet he has “betrayed” you by looking at porn 3 times in thirty years and you cannot get passed it. Many people reading your story Jenny might be thinking how fortunate you have been to have had such a happy and long marriage.

I’m not trying to minimise the hurt you felt when he looked at porn but I’m just trying to put it into perspective in the world wide scheme of life.

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

JennyA — Wed, 26 Feb 2020 00:26:04 GMT

I can understand how it comes across as a smallish issue to some but the "betrayal" feels real as he kept it hidden that he watched porn.
Hubby was a heavy porn user. I only caught him 3 times in 20 years but he later admitted he watched it often over the years especially during our "bad" times. He wouldn't admit to being addicted to it but definitely claims it is something he enjoys, so did it regularly.
That info all came out later. He hid it for all those years and was never sorry that he watched it, only sorry that I found it and that it hurt me.

This is where we have problems. Our differing opinions on what's right and wrong seem insurmountable. He thinks it's ok to search or click on links that may lead to things that he "enjoys". I don't think it's ok. He loves everything about females and their form and if he mentions it, I feel so hurt. I actually used to have no problem looking at nudity in a movie or joking about sex with him but because of what he did and admitting women and sex is his favourite "pastime" I can't enjoy myself with him.
The problem is now technically no longer actual porn, as he has agreed to not watch it again but he says unless we both think the same way about the topic of "sex" we will always have this issue between us. He expects me to read, learn, look at websites, buy toys, play games, joke about sex. He thinks it should be a priority in my life but we just think differently.

How can we get past this when something so important to him is hurting for me?

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

Moonstruck — Wed, 26 Feb 2020 00:52:18 GMT

Sounds like a healthy sexy male to me...I don't understand your comment on "what's right and what's wrong". As long as the activity is between two consenting adults..and you both enjoy it..there is no "right and wrong". It's up to the couple to make their own rules surely.

If playing games, toys, experimenting etc is abhorrent to you...yes he has to respect your choice...but on the other hand he should then be free to obtain satisfaction in watching some porn in private. You've been married for nearly 30 years!! Of course he "kept it hidden" .. because he obviously knew you would overreact exactly as you have done!.

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

Deckt — Wed, 26 Feb 2020 01:20:02 GMT

I'm sorry Jenny, but it sounds like he has compromised with you (by stopping watching porn) and you have responded by withholding sex - which is possibly why he watched porn in the first place?

Compromise is a two-way street. It requires change from BOTH partners.

I respect the right to have your personal views on what is right and wrong, but I can't agree with how you've gone about expressing it. Just because you personally believe that something he is doing is "wrong" and a "betrayal" does not make it so. In my own situation, my relationship ended because my partner viewed that me spending time with my children (from a previous relationship) was "wrong" and a "betrayal". That I should automatically respect her wishes, despite my own personal wishes and beliefs.

It sounds like you have a choice to make, and it's not an easy one. If the sex issue is so important to both of you, and you are not willing to compromise (I'm basing this solely on your comments, so I am aware that there may be much more to it), it does not sound like there is much of a future for you together. Your focus seems to be that he is causing you pain - has it occurred to you that your response is hurting him too? He seems to be a very sexual person - for some people, physical intimacy is their "language of love". If you are withholding that from him, right or wrong, he will seek other outlets. Pornography is probably the least harmful outlet for him to do so, to all concerned, and if you've made it clear that is unacceptable (no judgment, though I do not agree with your stance), but you also do not want to be intimate with him, you're putting him between a rock and a hard place.

I'm sorry, but I think it is your perceptions of right and wrong that may need to be reevaluated.

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

JennyA — Wed, 26 Feb 2020 05:48:25 GMT

I do really appreciate your answers even though they disagree with me in parts.
It's difficult to get feelings across in a forum.

I hate porn but I do love sex usually. When we were good, we'd have sex between 4 - 6 times a week (inbetween all the fighting about it). We were both content with the quantity. But it's like I'm never enough for him. He admits he likes to look at other women (naked or not) even when we are going great. I feel like he just loves me as a sexual object even though he denies it.
He's never happy. Even if we have sex X times per week, he'll still say I'm doing it just for him and not because I want to. He expects me to enjoy the topic as much as he does. It creates pressure and it's exhausting. I find it hard to comprehend that he just does it because he can and he has a problem that I don't crave satisfaction regularly like he does. He wants me to change my attitude to sex and make it a priority in my life. Should I equally expect him to change and make it not a priority for him?

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

Guest_3256 — Wed, 26 Feb 2020 06:23:50 GMT

Hello JennyA.

It's great to see that you have reached out to the forum and it can be hard to show emotions in written format.
I'd like to share with you that I am a Christian or as we say, have a relationship with God.
It's never a good feeling to find out that your partner has breached on several occasions an agreed boundary and may I ask, is it more an issue of him watchin porn or that you feel he has not been honest with you, as such?
As some others have said here, it is a two way street which means that you both need to put some actions in place to meet both of your needs and expectations and so that he is inclined to be honest, open and truthful. I think once there is more transparency in your relationship, you both will bond, connect and enjoy each other a lot better. In conclusion, find out what works for both of you, be willing to make some adjustments, put in some action and enjoy each others company.

God bless you both and a prosperous life full of love.

Best of luck 🙂

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

Croix — Wed, 26 Feb 2020 07:32:15 GMT

Dear JennyA~

I'd like to talk about your welfare for a moment if I may. In our modern world porn proliferates and there are differing secular and religious views on the matter, however that is in some sense irrelevant for what I want to say.

You entered in to a bond with another person when young and from a religious background. In your words I can see your realtionship is causing you great distress. A bond should be mutually supportive with care and understanding - you should feel cherished and secure (as I do).

You have kind words to say about you husband's consideration in the matrimonial bed, and his not 'crossing a line' in other circumstances, but also point out that there is a basic lack of appreciation and understanding of your nature as shown in his unrealistic expectations.

Also that early events have left a deep and lasting mark on you.

You have tried the sensible things, talking together and counseling, but this has not helped. For better or worse it would seem your husband cannot comprehend you are unlike him and do not have the same attitudes he does. That does not mean you are in any way wrong.

To try to be fair 15 years is a long time, a great deal of love and emotion will have taken place, and the fact, that even without proper understanding, you husband has continued a degree of restraint is most probably an indication of his love for you.

Unfortunately I'd imagine that is mostly negated by the fights you have and a realization you are not understood and this this now progressed to the state where you are not intimate together, whch can be a very hurtful state of affairs, sex is more than just the physical.

I don't have any answers to offer when two people have differing natures and this leads to destructive behavior. I wish I did.

Perhaps the answer may lie within you. A matter of balancing your pain against the fact the world does not always offer all we want - or even need.

Do you think that if there was some way for you both to forestall these arguments things might be more tolerable for you? While it may not overcome basic differences it might give a chance for a closer relationship even so.

Sometime people with opposing views can be together in harmony, sometimes not.

Please do not think I'm suggesting any course of action, I'm not, just offering some thoughts.

I wish both you and your husband the wisdom to deal with the matter

Agree or disagree with my words I do hope you come back and talk more

Croix

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

quirkywords — Wed, 26 Feb 2020 12:28:03 GMT

JennyA Thank you so much for your honesty and you are not alone.

Some people reading will relate to you while others will see things from a different perspective.

You posted here to express the deep issues in your relationships and the love you have for your partner.

it is hard when you are feeling so upset for others to understand how much your marriage means to you,

Many people have given their thoughts. I just wanted to say I was listening . The goal for you both is find a way that suits both of you . You have a long marriage and love for each other on your side.

Thanks again for your honesty

Quirky

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

JennyA — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 00:08:28 GMT

Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to answer. It has been really helpful.

I have been really emotional and I wrote this letter to hubby. I hope this shows you how I feel:

"You don't seem to get it. When you speak to me, I hurt. When you look at me, I hurt. Just being near you, I hurt. I just can't be around you. I am angry because trying to be mad makes me cope. I cry all the time. I can not live like this. It's messed up.
I'm mad that you are they way your are. That you have made my life so sad. That you say the words 'I love you' but you don't seem to understand love? Your way of love is hurtful. The words that come out of your mouth, are hurtful.
You want this and you want that and then you say that you want me. It is not healthy. I don't even know how to be in this relationship? It is broken. It is just pure pain. I am shattered. I'm broken into a million pieces. I am all over the floor and every day you walk all over my broken pieces.
Love is kind... Love is patient... Love is not proud... Love doesn't disrespect or dishonour others... Love is honourable... Do you not understand that?
I think it's time we face the facts that this can not go on anymore. Until you learn what true love is, this is over. I just can't for one more second. I just can't...
I want a man who loves me, as a person and not as a sexual being. You need to go back to finding love, for me. Love, for my person and not for my body. Search your heart for the true meaning of love. Just love. Love me!
I am gutted. I am beyond despair. I am so, sorry. My love for you is not enough to bring you joy and happiness. To keep you as my husband.
I am just truly sorry for all the unhappiness and hurt I have caused you.
I will always love you.

I am sorry...

Jenny

He wrote a response which I'll put in next post. This should show you where we are at at maybe someone can give a piece of advice that can save us?

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

JennyA — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 00:13:27 GMT

Here's his reply:

You say I don't get it, I say you don't get it.

We are both hurt and both unhappy. Despite your words, I do love you. Perhaps it's you who doesn't truly understand what love is.

Love is all the things you said below but it is also forgiveness, which you've never done. It's patience which you are not, it's persistence and you're quitting, it's desire which you no longer have, it's attraction which you no longer have, it's tolerance which you are not, is compassion and I don't feel like you feel for me, it's unselfishness which you again are putting yourself first.

Of course, I know you love me but we still don't do everything right by each other all the time You are looking at this from only your perspective which makes healing together difficult.

I am not writing emotionally as you did. I am trying to keep it together for the sake of us.

You don't understand how much I love you. You only looking from inside your world. I would've given up on us so long ago if I didn't TRULY love you.

I try every day to come up with ways to make our lives better. Sometimes from my perspective and sometimes from yours. I know my perspective counteracts yours on occasion but that's what love is really about, it's communication and trying to do things to make the other happy.

Your words are all true below but also are emotional and obscure. Nothing exact. Nothing practical. Just you showing how much you're hurting. I know you're hurting but you don't ever want to do anything that will stop you hurting. You just want to tell me how bad you're feeling but not offer practical solutions.

I am always open to talk. I will always listen. I am happy to listen to 3rd parties and happy to keep trying. I agree we can't go on like this but you need to do something as well as me.

I love you even though you can only see through your eyes that you think I don't.
It's not fair you think like that.
I also am so sorry I'm not making you happy. I want to.

Despite the pain, I am still glad you wrote the email because that at least is you communicating which you normally don't do.

I am trying things now to help us and ask you to try to.

I will always love you.

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

quirkywords — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 00:43:17 GMT

JennyA,

They are two very moving emails.

I am interested what you feel about his reply and if it has changed anything about how you think and what you feel?

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

Croix — Sat, 29 Feb 2020 12:45:11 GMT

Dear Jenny

I left posting to you for a day or two because Quirky had asked a pretty important question. It is obvious how much you are suffering, it fills your letter, and it is also plain one of your needs is to be seen as yourself, completely separated from sex.

From your husbands letter which I assume he writes genuinely and without pretense it would appear to me he loves you and does want to make you happy, a great thing.

You in your turn love him, want his joy and happiness, and regret that it is not there.

Those really are building blocks. You both believe you have tried to be understanding, perhaps more from both might be enough.

I can imagine you read this and think that I'm being unfair to you in suggesting this course, and are de-valuing your suffering, maybe even taking your husband's side. That is not the case, I'm simply offering thoughts to help deal practically with an imperfect world so two people can live together in harmony rather than alone.

Croix

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

JennyA — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 03:20:57 GMT

Thank you for your responses. Sorry I have not replied until now. Sadly I don't feel any better and it has not changed how I feel. I still hate he loves sex more than me it seems. His priority is still women and all things sexual. He shouldn't be telling me I should change and then he'll do everything I want. He keeps saying I have to be more like him in how I think about sex in order for us to be happy.
By trying to change me to make sex more of a priority, telling me I should like sex, masturbation, toys. That i should enjoy joking about men, read about sex, desire men, ogle them, get myself horny and use it on him. This is not me. I don't have a desire to please myself "just because". I could do lots of things that make me feel good but I don't want to. Don't have the desire or need.
I feel more like a sexual being than someone he loves. I want him to desire me without other factors. To make me happy without provisos. I look at things from a love perspective, he looks at it from a sexual perspective.
I have no solutions. I am lost. I can't see a happy end to this. Shattered...

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

Guest_3256 — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 05:37:31 GMT

Hey AussieGal81.

Good to see that you have replied. You seem to be quite upset and overwhelmed by the situation. Sometimes it can be difficult to comprehend or understand each others needs. As long as you clearly communicate what you want and need, this should make it easier for you two to connect.

Sex is important in a relationship because it allows you both to bond, connect and enjoy each others body on an increased physically level. What you both need to agree on is a balance that incorporates something that works for both parties.

Have you and your partner had a more in-depth discussion about what you both need, remembering it's not just about you, its about him too. He needs to listen to you as much as you need to listen to him?

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

Croix — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 11:14:00 GMT

Dear Jenny~

I can understand what you are feeling, and at least on there surface there is no easy solution, you should not need to even try to change your basic nature (which would not work anyway).

I'd again emphasize you are in no way wrong, your view and wants are as valid as anyone's, in fact I would not even mention it except I'd expect in outside life you may have been exposed to criticism and maybe feel undeserved guilt as a result.

So may I ask you something else, if you, for argument's sake, decided to split, what do you see as your futures?

Croix

Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

JennyA — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 23:47:53 GMT

Croix, I really can't see any future. We still have 2 dependant kids and hubby is the only man I've ever loved. Or lives are so intertwined, I cannot imagine being separated from each other. I'm sure it will destroy us both.