topic Lack of intimacy in my relationship. in Relationship and family issues

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Brownshorts — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 04:59:13 GMT

Hi all,

Im new to this forum, first time poster.

This topic has probably been done to death but here goes.

I've been married for over 30 years and after the birth of our first child intimacy has been an issues as well as mis-matched libidos.

I feel my wife doesn't find me attractive on any level. It's convenient to have me around. I work away a bit and feel lonelier when I'm at home than when I'm away. She says she loves me and misses me a lot when I'm away but when I get back she manages to find fault with most things I say and do which makes intimacy difficult. She is a master at making up excuses to avoid any attempts by me to initiate things. I've heard most over the past 3 decades

She won't acknowledge there's a problem or go to counselling.

She doesnt have a paid job and there's no financial stress. I pull my weight around the house when I'm not working.

Anyway it bothers me less now than it used to but I would still like to keep trying.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Betternow — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 06:53:14 GMT

Welcome to the forum Brownshort.

There’s a good reason why this topic “has been done to death”, it’s very common and for the partner in the marriage who’s feeling the way you do, it can make for a very sad and lonely life. Not to mention the negative effect it can have on your self esteem and confidence.

No doubt you’ve read the usual suggestions like do more house work, gifts and surprises, compliments, be well groomed and get yourself in shape. While all these things are great to do, if they are just done in isolation, I find they rarely help.

I’m also going to assume your wife is not suffering any physical problems which would make physical intimacy problematical. After 30 years I’m also assuming your wife is post menopausal and low libido is common in this cohort. If that is the case, it’s unreasonable to expect her to perform if the basic drive is not there. However, that doesn’t excuse her from displaying affection, kindness and a shared intimacy (not necessarily penetrative sex). You also owe her the same consideration.

There’s really only two outcomes and you have to think carefully about what you want and what you won’t accept. The first outcome is that nothing changes and the second outcome is that there is an improvement that shows there is life left in the marriage. The improvement maybe is less than you were hoping but anything should be seen as positive.

Obviously, you have brought the subject up with your wife and she has indicated that she doesn’t see a problem and therefore there’s no need to change, Now this is where you have to be really clear on your end game. You need to explain to her that you are sad, lonely in your role as a convenient house labourer who also works full time outside the house. It is not your idea of a happy and fulfilling marriage. Because you feel the way you do, how can you be expected to live this life with no prospect of anything changing and yet appear a balanced and supportive husband.

If she truly loved you, she would make some effort to make you feel special (after 30 years, swinging off the chandeliers is off the agenda), just simple signs of affection and the odd compliment satisfies most blokes your age. If she won’t budge and meet you at least halfway, would you be prepared to risk the end of your marriage? Because in a lot of cases I’ve seen like yours, that is what it may take.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Brownshorts — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 07:08:29 GMT

Thanks for the prompt response.

All of the assumptions you have made are correct. She finally went to a doctor a few months ago and the doctor prescribed a topical treament which she was going to try after reserching natural alternatives. I was happy she was finally making an effort. She recently announced shes not doing that now.

There hasnt always been a post menopausal issue of course.

Prior to that, approx 25 years, there was always another reason.

Anyhow thanks for your input. I'm aware of the choices I have. Just wanted to verbalise how I'm feeling and its good to know someone is listening.

I have some coping strategies that dont rely on self medication, some that do as well but I'm working on that one.

I'm not giving up but running out of fresh ideas.

Thanks again.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Betternow — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 07:55:47 GMT

I’m glad you feel supported. Just be aware (if you don’t already know), the topical sex hormone will NOT raise the desire for sex. It will however, improve the physical function of her anatomy so everything feels okay.

The desire has an emotional source that can be very elusive.

Good luck.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Brownshorts — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 09:09:33 GMT

Understood re the hormone cream.

I've read it has other benefits in that area as well. But as you said won't up the desire levels but hopefully take the discomfort away and that may help.

Cheers.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

therising — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 20:20:40 GMT

Hi Brownshorts

Wondering if your wife is feeling a little lost and empty in the way of life. Could it be she's looking for excitement on a variety of levels - personally, relationship wise, socially and so on? Might sound strange but maybe she's not even aware that it's excitement that's missing in her life.

As a 49yo woman (so, yes, at that change of life stage) I am going through the process of reinventing myself. I believe, at this stage of our life (no matter our gender), we're meant to be entering into a more relaxed stage. Finding new ways to relax whilst obtaining hits of regular excitement is definitely a challenge. My husband is a little too relaxed. There are times when I just don't feel attracted to him and times where I do. Typically, the attraction comes when I see him as 'The exciting person' in my life. He can be playful yet just doesn't appear to have the energy or mindset for adventure. I try so hard to energise him and bring out the natural adventurous side of him - sometimes it feels like a full time job which can often end in frustration.

I believe, adding ventures is a significant part when it comes to the evolution of any relationship. If no ventures are added, there is sameness. As they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Adding ventures (adventuring) is also a significant aspect of personal development.

Based on your wife's nature, can you think of anything adventurous that may appeal to her? Maybe she likes or used to be deeply interested in photography for example. Camera shopping and/or going for a day trip to one of the most amazing spots for photography would be something to feed her soul. Basically, I believe romance is pretty much that which feeds the soul. It's when our actions toward our self or out partner appeal to the deepest part of who we are. It's where we reconnect with out most natural self (the fun loving, naturally loving, excited adventurous kid in us), who we once were.

Your wife may fall over in shock if you were to announce to her 'Darling, I'm setting out on a quest to feed your soul'. She'll possibly think you've gone crazy or else she will be incredibly deeply touched (or both). Sometimes, we simply need to be actively loved to the point of excitement. Then the person who naturally excites us becomes one of the most attractive people we have ever met.

This could prove to be a times of reinvention and experimentation in the way of life and the relationship.

🙂

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Brownshorts — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 23:18:34 GMT

Thats food for thought.

We do lots of things together and also have our seperate interest. My wife appears very happy with her life. I'm away every second week but home every weekend. We go out a fair bit. Dining out at least 3 times a week and beach walks every day. We are both fit and enjoy outdoor activities. We are a bit restricted as my mother in law lives with us. Shes no trouble really but ws cant just up and go away for a night or 2.

She has developed an interest is spirituality and mindfullness which I encourage. I generally have to insist she goes on the retreats as she baulks at the cost. On the other hand I play squash 2-3 times a week. More lately as its one of the few places I feel people want me around and respect my ability.

If she wants to do somethimg Ill go and be supportive because it makes it easier for her as she doesnt like driving in the dark anymore which is fair enough.

She hates squash! I can count of 4 fingers the number of times shes been to watch me play in finals etc in 32 years. Im no star but get around OK for an old fella. Doesnt bother me anymore. I got used ti that when I was a kid. My family were not interested in sport at all.

Anyway getting back to the adventure ootions. We gad 2 months in Europe/UK last year which was great except for the lack of intimacy. It corresponded with our 30 year anniversary.

She doesnt want to do much apart from strolling through the bush looking at trees or walking down the beach with her feet in the water. Any suggestion I make that require planning and committment she backs away from.

She has basicalky told me that sex is off the table and she doesnt see why I cant take care if business myself as its just a physical thing. A bit like putting the rubbish out or cleaning the cat tray. Things I can manage without her having to get her hands dirty. She occaisionally offers, reluctantly and with no enthuisiam, to "put the trash out" for me. Without going in to specifics its all at arms lenght and not very satisfying to say the least.

Ive decided to wait until she wants to be involved which I have told her. I think I'll be waiting a while. Not sure but I think this has annoyed her a bit. The fact that I'm not actively chasing her attention. Which is confusing fir me as she has told me to back off many times in the past.

I would love to do a couple counselling session but she won't go. Waste of money apparently.

Anyway thanks for your input. I'll rethink my strategy in those areas.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Betternow — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 00:06:51 GMT

Hi Brownshorts

I've been thinking of your situation especially since I read therising’s excellent contribution to the discussion.

One thing I skated over in my original response, is that this is not a new problem for you. You mentioned that this problem has been around for 25 years. Have I got that correct? What I would be interested to know is how long after you realised you had mismatched libidos did you bring the subject up with her? Has there ever been a time when things were satisfactory? I’m thinking if she has settled into her position comfortably thinking this is the way our life will be and you haven’t challenged it until recently, could this be one reason why seems so unwilling to even have a conversation?

Just as an aside, todays media implies that everyone is having great sex all the time from the age of 18 to 90. And if your not part of this hip modern crowd, you’d better see a doctor. This type of pressure can put unreasonable expectations on people and is best ignored. The truth is most long term marriages wax and wane when it comes to physical intimacy. The most important thing for both partners to understand is that their wife or husband is there to care for them and to be a reliable life mate.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Brownshorts — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 02:52:24 GMT

We are coming up to the 30th anniversary of the mortal wounding(not dead yet) of our sex life.

First it was post natal depression, followed by second child 3 years later, post natal depression again but managed a lot better.

We then moved to the extreme PMS years/decades. It was "dont touch me" for the week before, week during and the week after. The good week was occaisionally ok but over the years the list of reasons that it wasnt on grew longer.

I worked shiftwork throughout the entire period. It was uncanny the number of times the planets aligned when I was on night shift apparently. I tried backing off and suggested she approach me when the time was right as me asking was too much pressure for her. She would then say the next day that had I asked the night before it would have been OK. Was doing my head in as it seemed like a premeditated strategy to create the illusion of availability. Squash night was another regular time the planets aligned in my abscence.

So the short answer is it has been a long time since things were ok and in the early years trying to have a productive discussion was extremely difficult. Didnt talk to me for 3-4 days first time I mentioned it. She doesnt handle stress or respond well to suggestions that things could be better. She did work part-time at our kids school for a while which was fatiguing for her so she suggested not working might improve things but didnt. Issues with birth control was another limiting factor so I had a vasectomy, her suggestion but my choice. That was many years ago and there was a minor improvement for a very short period.

We've discussed this situation many times and she wants me to reset the clock. Shouldnt dwell on the past she says which is good advice. So I'm doing some reserch and thinking about a solo session with a counsellor.

Sorry if it seems I'm drip feeding the information. I do appreciate all the comments.

You are only getting my side of the story and dont get me wrong my wife is a beautiful person and attractive. She looks 10 years younger than what she is. Unfortuantely for me after 38 years in a stressful job I look 10 years older. I dont think that's part of the problem but who knows. She doesn't have to worry about women pursuing me but I see the looks she gets when we are out and about. I dont have any concerns in that area though.

Thank you again for listening and offering advice. I'm determined to stay calm and work through this to an outcome whatever that may be.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

therising — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 10:00:06 GMT

Hi Brownshorts

I must say, from your posts you sounds like a deeply thoughtful person. You've put so much thought into possibilities, trying to understand the way she thinks, trying to work out the puzzling aspects of your relationship and so on. My husband's not all that big on analysis. He's a little old school. His theory is he's happy for us to simply grow old together. My idea - I want to grow young together. Much prefer to look forward to life rather than death.

Interesting, you mention your wife has become interested in spirituality and mindfulness. Gee, you're a legend, encouraging her to go on retreats. A lot of spouses would say 'Why you spending your money on that rubbish?!' Personally, I love the spiritual side of life. I found relabeling 'spiritual' to 'natural' in some ways helps it become more relateable to those who like to refer to it all as 'All that weirdo stuff' 🙂 Those who tune into the natural or spiritual side of life and those who study the intricacies of quantum physics agree on one thing - we are energy and everything around us is energy. One of the most energetic experiences we can have can be found in foreplay and intercourse. I'm not going to go into too much detail here but approaching intimacy from a natural or spiritually energetic perspective encourages experimentation, joy and surprise. It becomes about raising each other through stages of excitement on a physical, mental and natural level. It's about feeling and sharing in different parts of your self and each other coming alive throughout the process.

If you were to ask someone 'How do you feel the inter(nal) course of energy during intimacy?', most would respond with 'What do you mean, feel it? I just have intercourse or sex'. To feel the initial stirrings of energy move from one (base) point up through the stomach, further up to excite the heart and then take the breath away, is what precedes, for some, the eyes rolling to the heavens before some folk actually express out loud having met with god. Our energy does take a particular course of excitement through this experience we can share with someone we love. Tuning into each individual sensation makes it a unique experience. The lead up or play is a part of the overall fun.

Not sure if your wife would entertain the idea of this aspect of her spiritual exploration. Perhaps get her wondering about a bit of research here and then offer to be the guinea pig if she's up for a bit of experimentation.

🙂

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Brownshorts — Tue, 25 Feb 2020 02:20:05 GMT

Hi there and thanks for your kind words. Not sure if I'm comfortable with "Legend" but I'll take it for now. For info we dont do the his and hers money thing that some couples do. Its all combined.

I have always been supportive of my wife's pursuits. From women only gym memberships, treadmills, phsyic training courses, silversmithing and her spiritual courses etc. I have my outlays as well so its not one sided. I figured if she's happy I will be happy. There may be a flaw in that logic as I've linked my happiness to hers and if I don't get why she isn't happy it makes my life difficult.

I can't see her getting excited about the physical side of mindfullness. At the moment there's nothing there on her side and I'm becoming de-sensitised to the whole intimacy thing. This has been a long process for me. She has tried in the past but with little or no enthusiam. She says she still loves me which I don't doubt. She says that should be enough and if it wasn't for some of the other things she says maybe over time I would learn to live with that. I know having me around is easier than the alternative at the moment.

She says some hurtfull things without meaning to. My self esteem has taken a hit recently and maybe I over analyse what she says at times. One example recently she said to me that I'm looking more and more like my father everyday. Maybe true but my father is overweight and makes no effort with his appearance and she has made many references to that fact in the past. I interpret that as "you're looking less attractive by the day". Probably not what she meant but when you overlay the obvious lack of attraction she has for me now and the avoidance of any intimate physical contact (she let's me massage her back and neck anytime) it chips away at your self worth.

My wife does read a lot on her journey to spiritual enlightenment. She has been on this path for decades and has tried many things most very similiar. Some of the ideas or theories/ways of life do focus on the benefits of strong intimate relationships but she seems to partition that off as obviously she has no interest in that.

Again I'm running out of characters so I thank you for your input. I will try to take more interest in the "Mindfullness" technique as thats her latest one. She spends a couple of hours almost everyday in her special room training herself in this area. Maybe she will investigate the physical side of it and one day I'll get the call up to help out. I live in hope.😬

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

therising — Tue, 25 Feb 2020 09:19:47 GMT

Hi Brownshorts

Gee, partners can be strange creatures at times. The sort of comments that feel like a slap to the self-esteem can really hurt. I get where you're coming from. I'll give you a couple that are absolute rippers. By the way, my husband's a generally pretty thoughtful guy but he's come out with some unintentional whoppers in the past, ones I am now able to laugh about:

Some years ago, we're sitting on the couch together on the night of our anniversary. He looks deeply into my face (my eyes, I thought at the time) and proclaims 'Gee, you're looking old these days'. He was apparently studying me. BAMM! That one did not score him any brownie points, I assure you. I told him the next day that he'd said this and he was so apologetic. I suggested he perhaps cut down on the beers a little next time.
There's a pic among many photos hanging on our hallway wall. It's one of when I was in my twenties. By the way, I turn 50 this year. On a few occasions my husband's pointed this photo out to our kids, whilst expressing 'You know, your mum used to be really hot back then!' My daughter looks at me, rolls her eyes, shakes her head and smiles. I jibe 'Well, those days are over aren't they dear?!' He realises what he's said and tells me I've got it all wrong.

To tell you the truth, I wouldn't trade who I am now for anything. The hair is silver, the lines that express the laughter, deep concentration, concern and surprise I've shared with people over the years are lines of honour and life and the abdomen area that's not as flat and tight as it was back in my 20s reminds me of where it was that the lives of my 2 most precious gifts once grew before they were born.

Brownshorts, as we grow into the amazing people we are becoming, rising to the many challenges life throws our way, people and situations will continue to puzzle and shock us occasionally. I believe we must remain wonderful (full of wonder) when it comes to why people and things tick the way they do. Occasionally, our natural curiosity leads us to moments of enlightenment. I still often wonder about certain aspects regarding my spouse. I also give him plenty to wonder about too, I'm sure.

🙂

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

aegidius — Mon, 02 Mar 2020 09:44:54 GMT

Sex is off the table? Sounds like she is setting some hard boundaries, and with respect, I think you need to set some for yourself. You didn't sign up for a permanently sexless relationship. Decisions like that have consequences.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Brownshorts — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 07:01:31 GMT

Its been over 12 months since my initial post.

Not a lot has changed despite some frank exchanges of ideas. Im working from home which means more time together.

My wife finally went on the hormone cream which has helped her with her issue. No increase in desire levels or motivation to be more intimate.

I think I'm handling it better these days. I dont take it so personal anymore.. Well not as much. Every now and then it gets me down. Mainly when my sports injuries prevent me from playing.

I hope everyone out there is doing OK.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Juliet_84 — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 10:52:51 GMT

Hi BrownShorts,

I’m sorry to hear about the lack of intimacy in your relationship. Human beings have a basic human need for affection, touch, intimacy and if we don’t have it, it can take a huge toll on our self esteem etc. May I ask whether you and your wife share any intimacy outside of the bedroom? Do you hold hands, do you speak warmly with each other, joke and flirt, hold hands. As a woman I ask this because I know myself and a lot of women find that our partners will often simply ask us for sex, and we will usually say no because it’s asked in a completely non-sexual context where we do not actually desire it, and we are tired or doing something else etc. I think it relates a lot to the differences between men and women, for example if I asked my partner I would be certain to get a “yes” no matter what we are doing. Whereas I need to be made to feel desired or wanted etc to trigger that desire in me. Rather than focusing on the sex element, which is a symptom of other issues, could you perhaps work on reintroducing romance into your relationship, and establishing a friendship between you both where you like each other? I know it can be hard to put yourself out there for fear of being shut down but I think it’s worth a shot otherwise nothing will realistically change

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

AuthenticAwareness — Fri, 23 Apr 2021 06:23:03 GMT

Hi Brownshorts,

I'm so sorry to hear about your intimacy issues and I'm so sorry that my service wasn't available to you and your wife in those early postpartum days! If I'm also reading correctly it isn't necessarily the lack of sex (although that is clearly the main issue) but it is also that there seems to be a lack of general intimacy.

I would strongly recommend seeing a Sex Therapist to assist with your mismatched libidos. It is such a common concern in relationships but it is important that both people in the relationship feel satisfied with the frequency and type of intimacy. It is hard because the person with the lowest libido in the relationship will always control the frequency of intimacy in the relationship. It is something you need to discuss but to come to an agreement and I can see that you have tried several times to do so to no avail so I would recommend getting a moderator in who specialises in Sex and Relationships.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Brownshorts — Fri, 30 Apr 2021 23:23:23 GMT

Thanks for your input.

I have tried many times over the years to be non-sexual and take the pressure off. Romance is a difficult one. I get told to be more romantic but no guidance on what she wants. She will know it when shes sees it is the overlying principle.Most things I arrange is just another oportunity to dissapoint. Not major dissapointment just minor comments about what could have been better. She hints that a place with a spa or hot tub would be good when we go away, at a premium price of course, but then rarely uses it. A couple of times Ive gone for a run so she can use it in peace.

I arranged 2 months away in Europe and UK for our 30th wedding anniversary. Our daughter invited gerself along for tge first week..turned in to 7 weeks. But that was ok but limited the oportunities for couple time. In a 2 month period, that included an anniversary and my birthday, there was no intimacy.

Anyway Ill keep working at it. Been on this journey for 30+ years so the frustration factor is lower than it used to be. Thanks again.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Brownshorts — Fri, 30 Apr 2021 23:44:03 GMT

Thanks for your comment.

She doesn't see a need to seek help. She has told me I just need to lower my expectations. Ive done that progressively over the last 10 years which has helped me.

Im pushing 60 so I'll probably lose interest at some stage soon. I'll be better off in the long run.

I should probably talk to a professional on my own one day. It has been helpful being able to discuss it on this forum so maybe seeing a counsellor would help.

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

therising — Wed, 05 May 2021 20:08:34 GMT

Hi Brownshorts

It really does blow my mind when it comes to how inspiring and accommodating you are in your relationship.

'She will know when she sees it' is something you mention. You'd know yourself it's more a matter of 'I know when I feel it'. It's one thing to see something inspiring, it's another to feel inspiration. It's one thing to see something exciting, it's another to feel excitement. The list goes on when it comes to feeling our way through life. With the spiritual side of her exploration of life, I can't help but wonder whether feelings were discussed in enough detail. While some spiritual coaches can tend to miss the mark, others are amazing when it comes to opening a person's mind to experiment with their feelings.

While there are plenty of drugs out there to lead us to feel what we want to feel, getting those feelings naturally can take a lot of trial and error before we feel success. The drugs: Ecstasy to feel passion. Dope for feeling totally relaxed. Speed for feeling high levels of energy. Even alcohol, when it comes to feeling free to be yourself in one way or another (letting your guard down). The list goes on. With that last one, the question could be 'Why so guarded in the first place?'.

Personally, I'd describe romance as a soulful feeling. Romance feeds the soul. While a weekend away at a spa is deeply romantic, maybe your wife can't fully feel the romance because, perhaps, her guard's up for some reason. She may be self conscious about her body or she doesn't want to feel disappointment (therefor won't appoint herself as someone who is willing to let go completely). Of course, this makes things challenging for you. While I don't advocate leading her to get totally drunk/smashed, do you feel a natural relaxant would make some difference, relaxing her enough to lead her to simply feel her way through such a weekend, not think her way through it? Natural relaxants: Massage, music, meditation, leading her to choose a perfume which invokes a feeling of relaxation, joy or self love. While many imagine aromatherapy as essential oils diffused into the air, aroma therapy comes in many forms, even through the smell of a food we absolutely love. Sound therapy might even hit the spot. Planning a weekend away to a place with a tin roof on a weekend where you know it's going to rain most of the time may be a soulful experience for her. Google 'ASMR meaning'.

Never become insensitive/numb to how you feel. Your feelings are important too.

🙂

Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

therising — Wed, 05 May 2021 21:28:43 GMT

Hi Brownshorts

Something just popped into my head and I feel driven to share. Google 'How do you raise someone's vibration'. I know, a little out there but interesting when you have a look. It's undeniable, whoever is raising you in amazing ways is going to become deeply attractive. Kind of like you become excited by the person who leads you to discover the best in yourself, parts of yourself you've never accessed before. Sometimes, you just can't get enough of this type of person. Could even say you become addicted to how they lead you to feel.

If you decide to do this, raise your wife in such a way, be prepared for the trial and error process. Eg: If you buy her flowers, ask her 'You feeling anything (through you having given her the flowers)?' If she says 'No' then cross flowers off your list as a 'go to' for raising her vibe. While suggesting she come outside with you on a warm day, you might lead her to sit down, close her eyes and have her hold her face up to the sun. After a little while, you could ask 'You feeling anything?' She might actually respond with 'That's a truly beautiful, energising and calming feeling I've never felt before'. Then you can add that to your 'go to' list of 'Things that are beautiful, energising and calming'. Personally, I love the feel of the sun on my face. You might like to try it yourself. Breath the experience in, it creates added sensation. A lot of the things that naturally work are things that tend to alter our internal chemistry in constructive ways. A healthy level of sun exposure (don't overdo it) is also good for vitamin D. By the way, another typically beautiful, energising and calming experience is...hair brushing. Rock and Ruddle is a top quality good brand (a little pricey) but makes a great gift for someone you love. Wrapping it as a gift (for you to use on her) is deeply thoughtful. Who doesn't love the feeling of having their hair brushed? Puts most folk into a trance.

Good luck 🙂