topic My first post - dealing with my first breakup in Relationship and family issues

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

daphnejanee — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 05:04:19 GMT

Hi all, this is my first post. I’m feeling lost at the moment and need a space where I can release all my feelings. So, I’m sorry in advance for my lengthy post and thank you to anyone who takes the time to read through it. It’s been a little over 2 weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend and I’m really struggling to cope.

After months of pain, I finally had to guts to walk away. He was a controlling partner. He had major trust issues because I had a lot of male friends in the past. This caused him to think that I was cheating, lying and doing something behind his back. He had an app where he could see my location 24/7 and he was logged into all my social media accounts so he could check who I was talking to.
All of this really brought me down. I felt so useless and worthless. It would cause a problem whenever I left the house because he thought I was doing something behind his back. I was so scared of how he would react towards me if I made a wrong move. He had always got really angry and yelled at me when we fought. I just obeyed all of his rules because I was scared of causing a problem. I wasn’t happy. I felt trapped, like I was living in fear.

And 2 weeks ago, it got to a stage where I was so broken. I still loved him, but I didn’t want to be with him anymore. So, I left him.

Now I find myself crying for hours every day. I have overdue assignments but I’m really struggling to focus on doing my work. I sit down in front of my laptop to work and my mind just goes blank. I can’t sleep properly. I find myself going to bed between 2-3am every night and not getting out of bed until midday. I’ve lost my appetite and don’t feel like eating. I was exercising to take my mind off it in the first week, but now I have no energy to do anything. I’ve tried talking to my best friend, but I can’t help but feel like I’m annoying her with my daily messages of me crying. I live alone with my mum, but I’m not ready to tell her about the breakup yet. I’m afraid of breaking down and crying in front of her and the questions she’ll ask.

Does anyone have any suggestions of things I can do every day to take my mind off all of this? It’s like a broken record in my head that won’t stop, and I just want to move on and focus on myself, but I’m finding it really hard. I know it’s only been 2 weeks, but this is my first breakup. I really don't know how to deal with this and how to stop the pain of the bad memories. Any advice would really be appreciated!

Thanks guys,
daphnejanee

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

Betternow — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 05:37:53 GMT

Hello daphnejanee

No matter your age, gender or profession, a break up is always painful. It is part of life. You can’t experience the highs of life unless you also experience the lows. No doubt you are familiar with the words

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

The emotions you describe are to be expected and they will lessen over time. My advice is to tell your mother. My daughters were surprised at my response when they had the lovesick disease and tried to hide it from me. I was fully supportive and a good listener. There is no easy fix.

In the meantime, don’t try and repress your sadness, just let it come to the surface. Eat well, don’t drink too much alcohol and please try and do 30 minutes of vigorous exercise every day. Also, beware of the rebound relationship. They rarely work.

From what you say about your ex boyfriend, I believe you have dodged a bullet and in the years to come you will be glad you had the character and courage to walk away. My best wishes to daphneejanee.

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

white knight — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 05:50:41 GMT

Hi, welcome

I totally agree with “better now”. Great advice there.

Ive has 4 long term relationships all over 7 years duration. Yes my heart was broken three times. It never is easy but does get easier with time, you can’t rush time.

You may be thinking of going back to him. I wouldn’t, not with that alleged narcissistic side. Tracking your moves is unacceptable- period.

The following threads are ones that include how to cope in such situations

Google

beyondblue topic variety and distraction

beyondblue the best praise I ever got

YouTube Maharaji Prem Rawat sunset

youtube Maharaji Prem Rawat the perfect instrument

and many more of Maharaji videos. They will help relax and distract you.

You can try assigning s period of time daily just thinking about your ex and then try to concentrate on your studies.

Repost here when ever you feel like it.

TonyWK

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

daphnejanee — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 06:15:58 GMT

Hi there Betternow,

Thanks for the advice. I'm glad I got to experience it and learn from it in the end, and I know that in time I will be stronger. Even though it doesn't feel like it at this stage!

One reason why I don't want to tell my mum just yet is because I'm scared of the "I told you so" conversation. Many nights my mum heard me screaming and crying over the phone, and she knew that I was talking to him and he was hurting me and always asked me why I wouldn't leave him. I knew she never liked him and she always said I could do better. She always supports me, but she's also very upfront. I'm still in a very emotional stage, and I don't feel confident enough to talk to her yet. I haven't fully opened up to anyone face-to-face in the last 2 week, so I'm afraid to do so.

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

Cantthinkstraightsteve — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 06:21:10 GMT

I'm going through the same emotions as you...I've just had a breakup....it's hard to function....I'm trying but like you said...your mind wonders and your stuck thinking the same thing over and over...I can only wish you luck

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

daphnejanee — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 06:41:41 GMT

Hi TonyWK,

Thank you for the suggestions! I will have a look at those threads and those YouTube videos. YouTube is one thing I enjoy spending my time on the keep me distracted.

And yep, you're right. Everyday I question whether I've done the right thing and whether I should run back to him. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but ask myself how someone like that can change their behaviour so quickly. It was emotional abuse. How could I risk putting myself through that again?

That period of time assigned each day to think about him has been happening without thought actually. I find myself sitting down and scrolling on my phone around this time everyday in the late afternoon, and it all floods back to me. I just find it hard to go back to working on my uni assignments after that low feeling.

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

Betternow — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 06:46:43 GMT

Hi daphnejanee

You know your Mum better than any of us so I understand your decision to keep quiet for now.

Please don't ever consider returning to him. I'm willing to bet London to a brick that he was never the person your brain believes he is. Your brain is telling you one thing but your lived experience is telling you another, It will take time for your brain to catch up with the new reality.

As a man who has experienced a lot in life, I know you are making the right decision to walk.

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

daphnejanee — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 06:49:48 GMT

Hi there Steve,

I've actually just read your thread recently! I was looking for other recent breakup posts to connect to. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know the pain of losing someone, even though I was the one that decided to walk away (even when I still loved him).

I talked to him the day after I left him and said I was scared that I wasn't doing the right thing. He begged for me to give him a second chance, but I wasn't willing to take the risk and let myself get hurt by him again because I knew I would just regret it. He was so overprotective of me that it slowly turned into him controlling me and eventually emotionally abusing me. I felt like he was consuming me, so I had to prioritise my own happiness and make the hard decision to walk away. I'm not sure, but I think he still has hope that I'll come back.

Every day I find myself reading over old texts and messages, I can't help. I'm trying to distract myself and move on, but it's so hard to get back to normal life so soon.

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

daphnejanee — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 06:59:29 GMT

Thank you Betternow.

Everyone told me for so long that I would be better off without him. It's hard being the one that has to walk away when there is still love there, even when he hurt me so much. It complicates my feelings. But after every fight we had, he always said he would change his behaviour and I was waiting and waiting for that day to come... Eventually I ran out of patience. He was saying the right words, but had no actions to support it. When I was walking out the door, that's when he said he would treat me the way I deserved to be treated. It really hurt knowing that he knew what was wrong the whole time, but only wanted to act on it when I was ready to leave. It was too late by then.

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

white knight — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 08:31:32 GMT

What I found is, at the tail end of my grieving period say 2-3 months the best thing is to go on a date or two.

Have fun, talk to other guys etc, see how they treat you better.

TonyWK

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

Emmen — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 08:32:59 GMT

Hi daphnejanee,

By leaving him, you have given yourself a chance to blossom and live without fear. We can never control how we feel about people - even abusive people. But it is important that you remember how terribly he treated you and why you left him. You deserve to be treated with respect and love, and if he didn't do that, then he didn't deserve you at all.

It hurts now, but things will get better. Let yourself express your sadness and pain. If crying gives you relief, then don't hold back because suppressing your feelings will only make it worse. Do something else that gives you relief and purpose, whether it's art, sports or journalling. You will heal from this, and in time, you will find someone who loves and respects you.

Wishing you all the best,
Emmen

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

daphnejanee — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 10:58:55 GMT

Thanks TonyWK.

I'm still young, I'm only 21! It's a shame what happened, but I really don't want to get caught up with it. The relationship stopped me from doing things I enjoyed and seeing my friends. I just wish I could forget all about it and return to my normal life.

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

Cantthinkstraightsteve — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 11:18:28 GMT

Thanks for the reply daphnejanee's

I have a few years on you and was in a relationship with a younger mother(12 years difference) with 5 children...and I was the one being told I was controlling...not controlling when I'd ask her not to be on fb till 4 and 5 in the morning...she took it as controlling...but you do have youth on your side...it hurts but take it as a lesson....for me ik it will be hard to trust and love again...if you need to chat..let me know

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

daphnejanee — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 02:35:10 GMT

Hi Emmen,

Thank you for the kinds words of advice.

I know things will eventually get better over time. I hate being stuck at home and not being able to do anything at the moment! Sport used to be my distraction and I can't wait until we can get back into it.

I cling onto that hope that one day I might meet someone who can love me and give me that respect I was craving for so long.

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

Guest_3256 — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 07:01:02 GMT

Hi there.

I am in the exact same boat as you except my partner keeps trying to break up so I built the courage to leave him

I honestly do miss my partner but how much more do I have to endure being abused because of their insecurities. He has dumped me so many times that I have lost count. So I left. Couldn't help him.

These people cannot be help if they don't accept that they have difficulties. They are so afraid that sometimes they will push you away and make you feel like nothing. They will blame you for everything, put you down, accuse of cheating and then they will clam up.

Partners who are unreliable are abusive and end up neglecting their partner. The best way to describe it is a parent abusing their child and then locking them up in the naughty corner. It's unacceptable behavior.

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

daphnejanee — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 07:58:55 GMT

Hi there Jsau,

Wow, it's crazy to connect to people on here who are going through similar situations.

I know the feeling of what you went through too. A few months ago when the accusing was really bad, he tried to leave me too, countless times. So many times he told me he wanted to break up with me and couldn't believe he was with a cheater. It broke me. My partner was so insecure, had so much jealousy. I felt like there was nothing I could say or do would ever make him believe that I've done nothing to hurt him. He just wouldn't believe me and it continued to push me away to the point where I had to let him go.

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

Guest_3256 — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 08:10:35 GMT

Yes.

I was with him for 12 months. There were good days and then there were horrible days. My partner had pushed me away so much that he made me feel so overwhelmed, I become very emotional and needy, I experienced rejection. He would say things like "you know what you've done" or "you look after yourself and you'll find someone who will treat you better" or it's something I have to deal with on my own and things will never work for us."

I tried to support him so much that in the end, I nearly lost my job for poor attendance from trying to comfort him as he would become chronically insecure. He never wanted me to leave and he locked me inside the house. He asked me to move in on so many occasions then he would kick me out.

We had really good times and right now as right this, even though I can no longer do this anymore, he will be hurting, he will be drinking and listening to "depressing music."

I used to think that I could change him or [fix] him, now I have learnt that these kind of chronically (mentally unstable) delusional people just don't always accept their unacceptable behaviour.

I will always love him, if he came back in the future and he could proved to me that he had changed, I'd give it another go but it would be something that I would be very mindful of.

My first post - dealing with my first breakup

daphnejanee — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 09:29:58 GMT

Oh, I'm sorry to hear what you went through. I was with my partner for a little under 12 months.

It hurts because you try your best to support them. You give up everything just to focus on solving your everyday issues. But then you see that no change has been made and it feels like it was all for nothing. It sure is a tiring feeling, that feeling of rejection.

Even with all his issues, I never asked my partner to change. I just asked him to stop yelling at me when we fought and to try and stay calm and just understand me. The rest of the issues, I just put up with even though I knew I wanted to be treated better. He says now that he is willing to change, but I'm too scared to take that risk and let myself get hurt again by someone I love.