topic Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter. in Relationship and family issues

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

LosingFaith — Thu, 20 Feb 2020 17:25:12 GMT

Hi guys,

I am in need of some advice.

I am 40 yrs old with lots of medical problems. I have a 16 yr old still living at home, 2 cats and 1 dog. I have been in a long distance relationship now for almost 2 years. I currently rent a property which is going on the market and I don’t really want to stay here.

I’m not working but I’m currently studying to better myself.
My 16 yr old doesn’t like my partner and has major anxiety/anger issues that I am trying to cope with.

I want to move interstate to be with my girlfriend, to have a better life etc, but my daughter won’t allow me to. She says if I move interstate she wont come and she’ll take the animals and either live with her dad or older sister. She also refuses to go to school, she doesn’t have any friends, she won’t leave the house unless she really has to etc. She constantly argues with me, tells me to leave my partner and to find someone else. We currently see a psychologist for her issues but she thinks she doesn’t need to.

I miss my girlfriend, my daughter won’t cooperate with me, I don’t have a mum to talk to, my nan and Aunty have their own issues and my eldest daughter just doesn’t understand.

With everything going on, my mental health has deteriorated. I’m not coping very well at all.

Do you think I’m being selfish for wanting to move in with/move closer to my partner?

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

Croix — Sat, 22 Feb 2020 12:12:03 GMT

Dear LosingFaith~

I read your other thread:

Forums / Relationship and family issues / Long distance relationship - sending and reviving gifts.

and think taken together with the above you have two problems to try to deal with - not one.

While of course I do not know all the facts on the face of it your girlfriend appears lukewarm about your realtionship. Admittedly long distance relationships can be hard for practical reasons, however one of the bigger dangers is that with limited communications it can be very easy for one person to read more into it and depend upon it more than the other.

To up stakes and move, particularly with you daughter's opposition seems to me a great risk, unless the relationship is a sound one, with both parties caring for the other and being sensitive to their needs. Even if Valentine's day does not have much meaning a gift is a gift, and should be treated with gratitude and appreciation, not relegated to some sort of vague task to be done sometime.

Now, the reason for this post. You daughter is opposed to your moving and being with your GF. As she has had a family breakup already this is hardly surprising, visions of her being abandoned in your affections must play a part, as may a genuine dislike of your GF whom she may see as a threat.

As she already has anxiety issues the uncertainties involved - together with having to move which may in itself present problems, seems to me to present matters of concern both for you and your girlfriend too. If you were to get together it is not a matter of just the two of you , she would be entering into an existing family situation with its own problems she would have to not only cope with , but have to try to assist long-term.

Can I suggest you have a serious talk wiht your GF and see what the possibilities are of her joining you, and her ideas of how she will interact with your daughter? After all you are in some ways entrusting your daughter to her.

I'd really like it if you came back and talked more about this difficult problem

Croix

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

LosingFaith — Tue, 25 Feb 2020 18:13:42 GMT

Hi Croix,

Firstly, thank you for your reply.

So, I will just give you a quick rundown on our situation.
My girlfriend told me in the very beginning that she’d never live here in my town or state. She doesn’t like it. I accepted that.
She has serious mental health issues but currently in a good place at the moment.
When we are together, we have something really amazing. I do feel the love she has for me. About 6 weeks ago, she drove 9+ hours to come and see me, pick me up, drove 9+ hours back to her place - for me to stay 2 nights, then drove me all the way back home again. She stayed here with me for a couple of days before heading back home.
As I said, we do have something pretty special.

We had broken up for about a month- September last year, due to extended family interferences.
We then both missed each other too much and decided to give our relationship another go. So, we did.
It has been going pretty strong since. Apart from the odd issues that were unavoidable, such as the fires blocking roads etc.

My gf is not really big on social media/ technology and would rather us communicate via mail. I told her I can’t do that all the time. I’d like to wish her a goodnight every night, or whatever and that sending regular mail will take so much longer. She did see my point. Now, after the issues with her not picking up the parcel I sent, had made me glad I chose not to send regular mail.

With the moving situation, I can see where you’re coming from. Yes, my daughter does see my gf as a threat and I think she thinks she’ll lose me. My gf wants me and my kids to move down there with her. (My eldest daughter has recently moved out with her partner and their 6months old son, so is kind of irrelevant.) But... She said for her to be able to cope with the possible stresses, she needs to be near her family to help her cope. I can understand that, considering she has mental health issues herself.

With saying that, my daughter is happy to move, but she doesn’t want to move Interstate.
I have suggested that we take some time out and go on a mini holiday to see if she likes it, but she won’t even do that.

As our current rental is going on the market, and I can’t really afford the bond for a new place etc, my only option may be to move-in with my gf. I do want to move there eventually anyhow.

We might be lucky and be able to stay here for a while, but having an open house every weekend or so Is going to be rough. I don’t think I’ll cope for too long.

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

Guest_1584 — Fri, 28 Feb 2020 13:41:30 GMT

Hi.

Just wondering , so your relationship is a gay relationship then or ? lf so then l think you'd be missing many other things your daughter might also be having trouble with , not to mention an interstate move would also be taking her away from family too right , and her dad to right. Not sure why your not seeing the whole picture from a 16yr olds point of view that must've already gone through a lot with her dad and you nit being together.

Just thoughts .

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

Croix — Fri, 28 Feb 2020 14:10:50 GMT

Dear LosingFaith~

I hate to say this but your girlfriend does appear somewhat casual in the relationship. True she has driven to pick you up, and in the isolation of a few days together things seemed pretty excellent, however when it comes to the little things that are important they do not seem to be a priority for her.

Similarly the large imortant thngs, such as your daughter's welfare, seem to escape her attention. At 16 with an existing anxiety condition I'm sure she is going to be exceedingly sensitive to her relationship with you and to the actions and views of her peers in a new location, not to mention to a ss relationship.

These sensitivities cannot really be ignored.

When one has kids one is a 'package deal', it has to be that way. And as a result any prospective partner has to extend themselves further than normal.

I'm sorry if I sound negative, The desire to love and be loved can be overwhelming, and sometimes one might lose perspective.

If your GF has mental health issues is there any way she can get the support she needs while coming to a place acceptable to your daughter? Come to that how does she get on with her? If there has not been that much contact then deliberately trying to get to know her might help

Croix

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

LosingFaith — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 08:33:25 GMT

Hi Randomx,

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, I was/am in a same sex relationship. Recent events have really tested my patients. There’s so much more involved now since I posted the original post and it’s really getting me down.

My daughter is fine with me being in a same sex relationship. She really just doesn’t like my girlfriend.

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

LosingFaith — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 08:42:38 GMT

Hi again Croix,

Thank you again for your reply.

Recent events have put me new in a new situation. My ex/girlfriend (unsure of status) Has basically told me that I have to make the decision now to move there or not. If I don’t, she’s going to end our relationship.
The thing is, there’s so much more involved.
There’s too much to get into via text now and I’m hoping I can get into counselling, sooner rather than later.

Thanks again for your help.

cheers

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

Croix — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 10:32:55 GMT

Dear LosingFaith~

I guess a lot is how something is said, if for example a person is in deep distress and pleads for you to join them, maybe going over the top a bit that is one thing.

If on the other hand they simply had out an ultimatum to get their own way it shows something else, basically a self centered and un-loving character.

May I ask which you think this might be? If the former can you handle such extremes of emotion, if the latter do you wish to be with that sort of person?

Yes counseling may make things clearer and have you more able to cope with the compulsory moving and all the rest as well as the relationship.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

Guest_1584 — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 12:00:05 GMT

Hi lf.

l'd be more inclined to say she she's more so just trying to cope on the inside and not liking hr is a tell tale . But l think regardless , the pressure your feeling and under, and it almost feeling like emotional blackmail from your partner , is all screaming just bad move all round to me sorry. And yeah l agree too def' be a great idea to have a good chat to thee counselor .

Good luck anyway.

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

geoff — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 19:09:15 GMT

Hello LosingFaith, and apologise for not getting back to you and pleased Croix and RX have been talking with you.

You know sometimes it may seem to be easier to drive 9 hours, rather than pick up a parcel you have sent, sounds strange, but in the car she is alone, music playing where she can react to however she is feeling without anyone making adverse remarks back to her, it's her peace, even though she may have mental issues.

Long distance relationship doesn't always survive 24/7 contact, simply because communication is different when you have to live with it all the time as all the small intricacies that have been hidden, finally come out.

If you do move over then the problem with your daughter may worsen, so it's a catch-22 situation and you're in the middle where neither your GF nor your daughter wants to accept what you actually want.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

LosingFaith — Thu, 05 Mar 2020 18:30:19 GMT

Hi again Croix,

I just spent the last half an hour replying, I knocked a button and it all deleted. I only had about 500 characters left. 🤦‍♀️

Anyhow, I’ll just say I feel that there’s a bit of both A and B in the mix. Sometimes I think she’s being selfish, but then I also feel she just wants the best for me. She generally does have a heart of gold. When I’m with her, I can see and feel the love. Its the distance that’s making both of us crazy.
After we spend time together and go our separate ways, it’s really tough because we don’t know when we’ll see each other again.

Now, She wants a timeframe and I can’t give her one. That’s basically what this argument is over.

Apparently her psych told her to end our relationship but she doesn’t want to do that.

Both of us keep saying to each other if “such and such” or “whatever” doesn’t happen, we’ll have to say goodbye and move on. But we keep coming back for more. I’ve lost count of how many times over the past week we’ve actually said it to each other and we just keep coming back. It’s clear to me that neither of us want end the relationship.

Cheers

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

LosingFaith — Thu, 05 Mar 2020 18:44:01 GMT

Hi Randomx,

I hear what you are saying. Like I said to Croix, neither of us want to end the relationship. That’s why this is an on going issue. I’m sure with a bit of guidance from a councillor will help me deal with the stresses in my life. I’m enrolled with one, I’m just waiting for them to be able to fit me in. Apparently they’re pretty busy.

Its the distance that’s making us say and do crazy things. I must say, it is very hard to cope with at times. Especially if one of us need a shoulder to cry on and neither of us can do anything about it. We aren’t just around the corner and it takes time and money to travel, just for a simple hug. She’s not just my gf, she’s my best friend.

The distance isn’t doing either of us any good. We need to work something out and soon.

Cheers.

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

LosingFaith — Thu, 05 Mar 2020 19:28:46 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Never apologise for not getting back to me. I understand that everyone has their own life issues to deal with. I just appreciate the time each and everyone of you have taken out of their busy schedules to reply. 😊
Its very much appreciated.

That’s true. She does have social anxiety, so I can see where you’re coming from. I never really thought about it that way before.

I guess that makes sense.

Exactly. I recently said to my gfs mum, “Right now, I’m the meat in a sandwich.”
Neither of them are making my decision easy. Although, my daughter is 16, my gf is a grown woman and she should know better.

I know kids should always come first, but one day my daughter will move out of home and it will just be me. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Life is too short.

I will say, my daughter doesn’t have any friends, she doesn’t have a life outside of this house. I think moving to a new place, getting out and meeting new people will do her good. But, I can also see it turning for the worst. Right now she’s trying to hold on to her old friends, but she’s been away from them for too long now and they have lives of their own. They are young adults now, have jobs etc. My daughter has been left behind because of her mental health. Her psych has been a really good help and she is slowly starting to see her worth. I just don’t want all that ruined by making the wrong decision.

I have asked my daughter if she would trial a couple of months in a new environment, but she is refusing.

Anyhow, it’s now 6:30am I’ve been awake since 3am ruminating about all this, so I might try and get a few more minutes of sleep. Have a great day!

Cheers

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

Croix — Sun, 08 Mar 2020 10:54:56 GMT

Dear LosingFaith~

You have painted a pretty clear picture of the problems your daughter has to face, and they are not trivial. One thing you do say is that she finds actual help from her psych and she has improved as a result.

Could you be 100% confident of finding a simialr relationship for her elsewhere? Just looking around this Forum you will see many who are not as lucky.

It is not a given, and I have found it is the relationship and trust wiht the telegraphist that has been what works, not necessarily the particular type of therapy.

I'm sorry if I'm making things harder, however it might be that relationship might be too important to do way wiht, maybe when you move you might have to bear that in mind.

It is probably true your daughter will want to lead her own life separate from yours at some time in the future, but that is not now. You do have someone who depends upon you and anyone that really wants to have a relationship with you has to accept that. To expect otherwise is to devalue you.

If you turned the situation around and you did not have children, would you demand your GF moved her children to be with you?

Nobody enters a relationship without their past, or their commitments. Wanting the best for you means you are not pulled two ways with the possibility of regrets. Do you think that is a fair assessment?

If it was a case you both had similar family commitments then it would be a whole different ball-game

Croix

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

LosingFaith — Sun, 08 Mar 2020 14:02:26 GMT

Hi again Croix,

Yeah, the relationship between my daughter and her therapist is very good. She was recommended by a mental health nurse in our local area and my daughter has had about 6 sessions with her now. She’s got another appointment early April.

It’s okay. I appreciate any opinions whether they are what I want to hear, or not. I take everything into consideration.

I hear what you’re saying about if the situation was reversed.
If it was reversed, I would not expect my partner to move their kids, but that’s just me. If we both had kids, it would be a different story again. Who would move to where etc? I feel both parties, either way would have to make compromises and talk together as a possible family, rather than demanding and forcing the situation.

I asked my gf if she would come up here, sit down with me and my daughter to talk about things, but she basically ignored me. I even told her to bring her mum with her.
At the moment I’ve been told by my gf that she needs to keep at arms length and detach a little until I make up my mind. The problem there is, I’m already feeling a huge disconnection and I feel like I don’t have a gf. If she won’t really communicate with me, how am I supposed to still feel the love for her? Right now, I feel nothing and I feel I’d be wasting my time trying to make things work.

I guess only time will tell how things will work out. Once I can get in to see a councillor, I’m hoping they’ll be able to put me in the right direction, it’s just the waiting for an appointment to start with. I may have to look for another one.

Anyhow, I’m a bit tired. Hopefully I have answered your questions.

Have a good night.
cheers.

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

geoff — Sun, 08 Mar 2020 18:53:51 GMT

Hello LosingFaith, I really appreciate the situation you are in and I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, and by no means do I want to upset you, so please excuse me whole-heartedly.

I can see the love happening one way here, from you, simply because your GF didn't pick the parcel up and doesn't want to move, everything seems to be on her terms, and in a long distance relationship all the small, but important intricacies may have been pushed to the background, unknown and if you move over, then I worry for you, not only because of the situation you will be in, but the worry of your 16 year daughter.

A relationship needs cooperation, understanding and to be prepared to change.

I hope I

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

geoff — Sun, 08 Mar 2020 18:57:28 GMT

Hi LosingFaith, I hope I haven't upset you, because that's certainly not what I want to do, and please forgive me.

Geoff.

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

Croix — Mon, 09 Mar 2020 10:20:36 GMT

Dear LosingFaith~

I've not been very positive about the relationship wiht your GF and thank you for taking it as another perspective meant to help.

I cna be positive about you. You have survived a beak up after having your daughter, have brought her up in difficult circumstances, care for her and give love. You also have the intelligence to see both sides of a coin and ask for advice. Plus I think you have "antenna", sensitive to things.

While your daughter's needs many seem a stumbling block to your relationship wiht your girlfriend perhaps that is not the case. I beleive you had doubts as your first post abut valuing gifts demonstrated.

You have a lot to offer anyone, and that can happen at any stage in life. I cannot see you ending up alone.

I remarried after hte death of my first wife in middle age (We both had kids). I would have sold up everything to be with her (was living alone). PTSD, anxiety, depression, no job, no prospects, not much of a catch but over 20 years together and still in love. Why should it be different for you?

I hope you receive some benefit from counseling, though I have a feeling you have wisdom already.

Please let us know how you go.

Croix

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

LosingFaith — Fri, 10 Apr 2020 13:19:04 GMT

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond.

Just an update here...

So, I was making the move interstate, my daughter chose to stay behind with a family member and everything was going great, or so I thought. Then, Things turned for the worst. All I mentioned was that I was having trouble trying to find someone to take on my pets and out of the blue, there were arguments galore. I was already going through enough and the arguments didn’t help matters.

I then had a massive breakdown. I Was on the phone to the real estate. Everyone and anyone was arguing with me. I had my job provider on my back about finishing my course, I had the real estate on my back and calling me a liar because I said I wasn’t ready to give the keys back to them. I had my now “ex girlfriend” telling me I was blackmailing, manipulative and a liar. I was trying to organise 101 things all at once.

Meanwhile, I gave the phone to my eldest daughter and I lost it. I started screaming at the top of my lungs, I was shaking really badly, my hear rate was through the roof, I could barely walk and I just wanted it all to stop.

I messaged my girlfriends mum, just telling her I couldn’t reply to my gf at the time because of what I had just been through. I didn’t want my gf to worry so I didn’t tell her. All I said was I’m not in a good way and I can’t reply to her at the moment.
After that, she basically said fine and not to contact her again. She blocked me from all social media and told me not to contact her or her family.

I was already in a bad way and that just made things 100times worse.

Anyhow, I finally have an appointment with a councillor via phone on the 16th April and I’m currently staying with my eldest daughter in Sydney but I don’t know for how long.

Once I’ve spoken to the councillor, I’ll come back here and let you know how I got on.

Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

Croix — Sat, 11 Apr 2020 13:16:16 GMT

Dear LosingFaith~

OK, things are on top of you at the moment. It basically boils down to your ex-GF not living up to your expectations and not treating you with sympathy and kindness. Any decent person would do that even if they did not want a long term relationship.

Loving someone blinds a person to other's faults, and I'm afraid your love has done that - not you fault, just being human. Simply bad luck the person you love appears selfish and unfeeling. You tried to make a huge sacrifice to be with her, and it brought things to a head

Screaming? OK people handle too much stress in different ways, and screaming is a mild one. It will at least have shown your eldest daughter how very much under pressure you are. Are you getting on with her OK?

So what sort of animals do you have? Are they something special to you.? I've already got the feeling they are special to your 16 year old.

Seeing the councilor is a good idea, however I'd take it further, if you have not already done so, and see a GP in a long consultation and find out if you need medical support at the moment. Maybe you daughter knows of a sympathetic one. I certainly let life rule me in a most unpleasant way until I went.

You mentioned you Nan and Auntie have their own troubles, are you able to be in contact with them anyway? Talking with those that care does help.

I guess you must have handed those keys back and hopefully have the real estate off the scene. When things pick up you may well end up living close to your family (and pets) which would not have happened if you had moved to your GF. Frankly in relation to her I think you have had a lucky escape.

What sort of thing does your job provider want? Input from a GP might quieten thngs down in that area for a bit.

Do come back and say how you are going, we do care

Croix