topic Will your marriage survive COVID 19? in Relationship and family issues

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

Mark247 — Sat, 04 Apr 2020 02:28:48 GMT

We have been married nearly 30 years but I suspect this lock-in will be the final nail in the coffin for us. Unfortunately it is not a good time to move out. Is anyone else in this position?

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

PamelaR — Sat, 04 Apr 2020 04:19:30 GMT

Hi Mark and welcome to the forums

Ouch, things sound pretty awful for you Mark. Thoughts with you as I know what you mean. I've been married almost 40 years and while we've generally got on being locked together 24/7 is causing friction.

Thankfully, one thing we've always been able to do is communicate. So yesterday we spent a good 1hr or more talking about what we're each thinking about what the other one said. Wow, did we both get each other wrong.

This doesn't lessen the fact that we are at times driving each other up the wall. For us it's about one being an introvert and the other an extrovert. If you know anything about that - you'll understand what's happening here.

In your situation, I take it things are not reconcilable - would that be right? So methods for coping while you're in lockdown might be -

exercising (have you been isolated? If not, get out for a walk)
finding a place in the house away from the other
reduce/stop watching news reports and current affairs programs
is it feasible to make a peace treaty for the duration of the lockdown? Draw up agreement about space, place, times?
sleep in separate rooms
try some mindfulness (if possible)

Not sure if any of this helps Mark. Others will pop in I'm sure to give you their thoughts and ideas.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

Betternow — Sat, 04 Apr 2020 05:56:59 GMT

Wow, great post Pamela.

I could feel the wisdom and experience jumping off the page. Everything resonated with me big time.

I understand Mark’s viewpoint too. If things are a little tense in the household, in normal times, you can get out of the house. Ride a bike, play golf or whatever distraction you prefer.

On the other hand, the forced proximity may also deliver an opportunity to thrash a few things out. My wife and I took that opportunity at 8.30 this morning. Things were pretty fiery for a couple of hours but we're back on track now ( married 25 years).

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

Cyndarella — Sat, 04 Apr 2020 06:54:11 GMT

Hi Mark

Reading your post I feel this some 'glimmer of hope'. Perhaps this situation will either 'make or break' the relationship. Some tips for you both at this time (in addition to what Pamela provided which were fabulous!).

If you are having a discussion (bordering on an argument) don't bring up the past. It really isn't helpful at all. Best to focus on what is happening in the here and now.

Have an agreement that if you need 'time-out' that you let each other know, and it is important for the other to respect this and give each other the peace you need at the time.

Do something nice for each other every day (even if it is just make a cup of coffee).

Show gratitude toward the other person.

Be kind 🙂

Hope this is of some help!

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

Mark247 — Sat, 04 Apr 2020 23:18:42 GMT

Thanks for your responses, I appreciate your help and I am already doing most of what you suggest.

Unfortunately our relationship has run its course. I woke up to this fact over a year ago when I realised that it has always been very one-sided and she has always controlled me and done whatever she wanted. Her favoured control method was silent treatment, often lasting a week or so, but anything up to 3 months. I learnt to get on with life. When she could no longer control me she got herself a boyfriend to control and they now see each other most days. I suspect she has a personality disorder, but how can you tell someone that?

We no longer argue and barely talk as I don't want to repair the relationship. When I reflect on the past 30 years I can see that while there have been some good times, there have been many times when she has treated me very badly. I have seen a counselor who has encouraged me to find the right way to move on.

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

Betternow — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 00:00:58 GMT

Mark, I feel for you.

Your wife taking a boyfriend while married to you and you are still living together must be unbearable.

I too suffered similar treatment a long time ago. I wish I knew then what I know now. I could have saved myself a lot of pain.

My advice is to get out as quickly as you can. Anything would be better than watching your wife openly going off to meet her boyfriend "most days".

Good luck.

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

mishyg — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 00:44:49 GMT

Hi Mark - similar position to yourself, although nowhere near the 30 year mark...just 13 years...unlucky for some. We had a horrible run this time last year - almost to the day! This lockdown and difference in attitude towards it just made everything come to a head for us again. Unlike last year, I am feeling stronger for the most part about the potential to move on....desperately sad for our kids 10 and 12....and at times for myself...but trying to be practical and make preparations to safeguard myself, financially and materially for when Covid ends. I have actually just joined this forum to see if anyone has advice about separations and houses etc. etc. I also think getting out for a walk every day has been my saviour....5km each day with the dogs...it does help keep the very worst of it at bay. I also see a counsellor regularly after last years events....so encourage you to keep doing that. I have my next session by phone tomorrow due to situation - so no excuses on that front. I really wish you well.

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

PamelaR — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 03:29:32 GMT

Hi Mark

It's great to see others responding to your post. Hope some of this helps. From what you say it sounds like you do need to remove yourself from the situation, however, we go back to your first post. We're all in lockdown and that makes it difficult.

So, you must be feeling terrible, your emotions all over the place. To live with your wife who has a boyfriend - wow, that's awful. I can understand the anger, humiliation, embarrassment, shame, guilt you are feeling. Are you able to have phone your counsellor during this lockdown period? If not, there are many services available to call, e.g.

Lifeline 13 11 14 or online www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/Crisis-Chat

Beyond Blue Support Services 1300 224 636 or online www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Alternatively are there friends or family you can call to chat with when things get too difficult?

If you haven't done so (I'm half expecting you have), plan how you are going to make your move, and all the other things that will need sorting when this happens.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

Mark247 — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 23:01:06 GMT

Thanks Betternow, actually I find it a relief when wife goes off with him. I grieved the relationship long ago and just want to move on. What do you know now that would have saved you a lot of pain?

Thanks Mishyg, I too feel a lot stronger than I did a year ago. I feel like I am taking back control of my life. Our kids are adults but still living at home, so probably easier in some ways than your situation. I will be following your other posts about separations and houses etc. with interest as this is the area I am most uncertain about. Wife has always controlled the finances and I now don't trust her to look after my best interests. I do a lot of exercise, about 2 hours every day, and this helps a lot.

Thanks PamelaR, I have had only one session with a counselor, but it was really useful. It was a free session as I don't have access to money (wife controls finances), so I wouldn't mind more sessions if I can find another free service. Planning how I am going to make my move is the question the counselor left me with. The virus hinders this, but also buys me some time, if I can survive wife being home so much.

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

PamelaR — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 04:01:20 GMT

Hi Mark,

Great to hear you are getting 2 hours of exercise a day. Yep, that would help tremendously. Being financially restrained is awful. I can relate to that as my first husband held all our money. I never let that happen again.

One option is to get 10 free sessions per calendar year on a mental health plan (MHP). You do this by visiting your GP, ask for a longer appointment than usual. Tell them what is happening, that you are being abused (financially, psychologically, (?physically?), you need help and want to go on a MHP. The GP will ask you a range of questions (basically filling out the medicare MHP form) and when it is scored, it tells the GP if you are eligible for the free sessions.

Now, with COVID-19 I'm not sure whether doctors in your area are still doing face to face consultations. If not, it is something to think about for the future. In the meantime, feel free to contact any of the services I've listed above. It's okay to reach out, especially when you are going through such torment.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

Betternow — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 05:34:55 GMT

Hi Mark

What do I know now that would have saved me a lot of pain?

Well, my situation back then was somewhat different to yours. My wife controlled me by having affairs. I was so terrified of losing my children that I was an easy target for emotional abuse. This situation carried on for several years until I snapped. I won't repeat here the cruelties I endured but one night the abuse went a step too far and i shot through. No violence, no arguing I just turned and walked out. I slept in a $15 a night doss house for the next 3 months. At last I was at the stage you are now. Here is what I should have done when the abuse started.

1. Call her bluff. You change your behaviour or the marriage is ending. No second chances. You have to mean it.

2. Don't waste time on her excuses and maybe this, maybe that, I don't know what I want, I'm confused etc etc. Leave the house if she will not leave. Rent a small flat, keep an itemised account of your spending that is going on things like rent because that will be taken into account at the property settlement. Go and see an experienced family law solicitor. The first visit is usually free. Do not engage a solicitor who you feel is not a good fit. Choose carefully.

3. Your wife may try to tempt you back and see and talk to you. If she has been that controlling for all these years, she will likely see your independent action as mutiny. It is vital that you do not buckle.

4. If all goes well, you can be divorced and living a new life in less than eighteen months.

The important point here Mark, is you have to take charge. Your wife will hate it. I bet you are still useful to your wife in some way. She has the boyfriend and you probably make a contribution (house work, pet minding, washing cars etc) in an area that she finds convenient. This suits her as it suited my ex wife. If you don't stand up and start looking after your own interests, your life will never change.

I'm not pretending it will be easy. Doubts, sadness and despondency will still dog you for a while but as you slowly regain control of your life, the negative emotions will subside.

Again, I repeat. As soon as this lock down situation is resolved get yourself to a solicitor and take action.

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

Mark247 — Mon, 13 Apr 2020 09:31:33 GMT

Thanks PamelaR, good suggestions but unfortunately wife has access to my medical records so I don't want anything turning up there for her to see. I will keep looking for other options. My own further research would suggest that I have been the victim of emotional and mental abuse.

Betternow, thanks for sharing from your experience. I am gradually building the courage to stand up to her. I find stories like yours encouraging that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have a lot to do before I upset the apple-cart.

Will your marriage survive COVID 19?

Sophie_M — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 04:34:40 GMT

Just a quick note for anyone following Mark247's journey that we are closing this thread. If you would like to continue supporting Mark247, please visit his latest thread here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/stuck-in-an-abusive-home#qyJXq3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A