topic Emotional blackmail- surviving it in Relationship and family issues

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

white knight — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 00:15:39 GMT

For me and many others that are subjected to emotional blackmail, it can have lasting lifetime effects. What is emotional blackmail?

In my experience emotional blackmail develops in a person that, for whatever reason, believes their conventional methods of accomplishing control, no longer work. They think of other techniques in a desperate attempt to maintain their status rather that using other tools like love and persuasion. EM can also develop when a parents children turn to adults, an era when a parent often loses the control they once had over their child. The parents lack of control is unacceptable to them and unless they do accept their child as having the ability to make adult decisions, it becomes a downward spiral that wont recover. The parents demands become louder and their techniques more desperate.

Sometimes the child/adult child is unaware of such unacceptable conduct like emotional blackmail being used. I was 27yo before it hit me between the eyes. I was educated at a GROW meeting and a chapter was dedicated to the topic in one of their booklets. From then on I had a fight on my hands with my mother as the EB continued. I had a girlfriend at the time that my mother didnt like "if you dont split up from her I'm going to pack my bags and go visit my cousin for 2 weeks"... my answer "I'll help you pack". Sounds nasty but you need to equalise the injustice/car for yourself.

The people that use EB are desperate souls so it isnt limited to that technique to get you to do what they want you to do. Triangulation is another hurtful form of manipulation. Have a fall out with the parent, parent rings your sibling to get them on side, you then have a serious fall out with your sibling. It's all about power and power over an individual isnt freedom. It isnt developing strong relationships.

Sadly you have few options. In fact my sister and I stopped all contact with our mother 11 years ago. She is now 90yo and no children in her life nor 3 grandchildren as they were treated similar (not from our influence or that would make us as guilty).

I'm convinced there is mental illness at play however strong denial means nothing can be done to save the situation. Refusal to get treatment by a perpetrator means they also often deny themselves of family and friends and, sadly, thats a choice they make for their own lives.

Those with EB can be tyrants. The victims can be scarred for life. Make the best out of a bad situation and seek peace.

TonyWK

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

batticus — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 04:44:54 GMT

Hi TonyWK

I agree with you. They are tyrants.

My experience with my ex was that everything was about control. Affection, intimacy, kindness etc. were all ways of maintaining control. Emotional blackmail was a way of obtaining control.

In the case of my ex, I suspect she has narcissistic personality disorder. In the end though, it's unlikely she will ever see a therapist or counsellor to try and self-improve. During the relationship it was me who sought counselling and therapy to try and 'fix' myself. I thought I was defective in some way or another, hence her being so unhappy. It took 5 1/2 years to figure out that she was the one with the problem. I feel very sorry for her, as it's such a sad and lonely way to live.

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

HappyHelper88 — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 05:53:21 GMT

Hi thankks for sharing

I was emotionally blackmailed as a child my mother was a control freak and felt like she was losing control so she blackmailed her kids and have had a falling out with siblings so I can definitely relate.

Havent spoken to my mum is 7 years, neither has anyone else she had split personality.

Thankfull I have healed quite well from all the trauma, it was not easy but I am proud.

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

Guest_1055 — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 09:35:34 GMT

Thanks for you post white knight. I have an extended family member that what you said sort of fits him. He is extremely controlling and from my understanding makes threats. I think he become worse when his children were able to think for themselves.

I never knew he was like this until a year ago or so. He would just seem nice around me. I often wonder if it was a public face? A performance.

Think he has alienated himself from many people. It is so very sad. Do they really see reality different? And what makes them this way, do you know?

Like did your mum know what love is. Did she experience it from anyone. Her own mother, father.

And are their threats just that. Nothing comes from them, just an empty threat and the last effort to control the other person?

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

quirkywords — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 10:11:34 GMT

Tony thanks for your thread and for explsining EB.
Also She’ll, batticus ,and Happyhelper have written relatable posts.

Does EB and controlling go together?

I know someone close to me who uses EB by not talking or sulking if I don’t agree.

I know for a long time I would say sorry even if didn’t need to, but I am a people pleaser who wants peace at any cost.

Thanks Tony and everyone posting for your honesty I have much to think about it.

Shell I find people who are charming to everyone but their family is quite manipulative so if you say anything no one believes you.

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

white knight — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 11:08:23 GMT

Hi all,

Each reply has its close relevance to this topic that can fly under the radar with things that can cause or at least adds to our symptoms of mental illness. So thankyou.

Batticus, at least you got help! Also those with some MI won't seek help or only attend a psychiatrist for a few visits then they stop especially BPD sufferers.

Happy helper, well done. I disowned my mother late in life because early as a child she was indeed a nurturing type. It was hard to break away. Like Batticus I felt sad for her. It was never revenge, it was all about survival and happiness.

Shelll, I think these abusers make threats thinking, wishing, expecting their target will fall/wilt. They are of course delusional, they don't accept their little boy or little girl has grown up. Indeed when my mother used that particular threat on leaving my gf, I was 27yo. I'd spent 3 years in the air force, 3 years as a warder in a jail and was an investigator. I'd lived an adult life for 10 years. She had no right to push her values, beliefs onto me. Ridiculous.

Quirky, "....so if you say anything no one believes you". As usual Quirky, you are so bright and perspective. These people are clever, more so they think they are clever as they wear masks as they act out their drama. The term "crocodile tears" comes to mind. People swallow their version of events. You get suspicious when visitors arrive and they act angry with you, worse still when they comment "I think it's terrible what you did to your mother". My usual response is "I don't interfere in your relationships so please..."

Worse still is those loving souls that give tyrants 100% blind faith. My dad was my mother's greatest ally and she knew it, using him as a weapon. Daily hours were spent over cups of tea with her manipulating to get him to inflict hurt, such hurt alien to his nature.

TonyWK

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

Juliet_84 — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 11:55:43 GMT

Hi Tony,

Another cracking post, thank you for the interesting topics. My emotional blackmail was from my mother. She wielded it differently against my sister and I - my sister was quite independent and strong-willed so it was more forceful, curfews, job, board, all sound quite reasonable but our house was a battle ground as those two duked it out. Truth be told my sister just wanted some freedoms but my mother felt that her authority was being threatened so the fights were epic and regular. Mine was more insidious, I was a sickly child so it was more “you’ll never do this” “you can’t do that because of your illness” “don’t do this or you’ll die” - rather than ease my fears about my illness, they were heightened, blown out of proportion. I would go to her seeking reassurance in my darkest moments and instead I got the opposite. My father was her minion. She would very often send him to do her bidding and he obliged. My dad is soft and loving but blindly devoted, he would do whatever morally questionable thing she wanted with no fight. It was only during therapy that I uncovered that I had a lot of anger towards him, I expected it from her, she was crazy/narcissistic/whatever the hell is wrong there but he knew better and still he did nothing.

@batticus - your post reminds me of a quote “people seek therapy to learn to deal with the people in their lives who refuse to go”. These people take therapy as an admission of guilt and their ego could never allow it when in reality it takes a mature and evolved person to try and understand a situation and their role in it. I hope you have found peace now x

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

white knight — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 14:18:39 GMT

Hi Juliet,

Amazing parallels here. Narc/domineering/unreasonable parent and the "minion" spouse.

In your case, to add fear to a child already living with an overdose of fear is...well we ordered can't express.

I want to talk about manipulation. I don't think tyrants can operate without it. Masters of leaving out critical facts to others that would turn their allies views on a dime, depending heavily on wedding vows to force guilt onto their spouse suggesting disloyalty if they didn't support them 100%... which is another way of saying "support me in everything I do or you are not devoted to me like a proper husband/wife.

Two threads of interest here come to mind-

The first is how to effectively defend yourself with fewer words.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/wit---the-only-answer-for-torment-

The next is to google

Witch Queen waif hermit

That is the theme/extract of a book by Dr Christine Lawson "walking on eggshells". It explains the four characters of extreme bpd people (apologies to those with bpd seeking treatment, it's mainly those not getting treatment).

My mother is all 4 characters.

Be great to hear your views

TonyWK

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

Learn to Fly — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 10:03:42 GMT

Hi Everyone,

Truly amazing insides from you All. You got me thinking hard and I am grateful to you for that. It’s like peeling an onion at times. Layer by layer…

I am still working on my case, trying to get to the bottom of it.

My mother was very controlling and her way of EB inflicted on myself was to make me feel guilty of not doing something to her expectations. I have never really fought with her that much. This was more skilful on her behalf. Manipulating my self-believe by constantly letting me feel that whatever I did was somehow not good enough. It was skilfully done because she didn’t even have to say anything. But her entire body language would be so obviously criticising that I was never left with any doubt. I thought this was normal. It wasn’t until years after I left my parents house when I started to get some perspective and see the things as they truly are. Me, always trying to help her, clean the house, help her financially etc and somehow always left with this feeling of “not good enough”. My brother: a life mistake after a life mistake and her always finding excuses for him and instead of giving him a constructive criticism, prizing him for silly things that would falsely inflate his self-image. And my sister sickly as a child and until this day treated like she always needs protection and assistance and rest. Never criticised. Such imbalanced family dynamics. Her self-portrait was picture perfect. What she did was the best. She always knew better, even when she had no idea what the thing was about. Never admitting to a mistake or saying sorry. But to the outside world… a legend. Nobody would ever utter a bad word about her.

Anyway, thanks Tony for another most engaging post and topic and everyone else for your stories. As I said before, you got me thinking all right. Opening few hidden eyes of mine on some things.

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

white knight — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 10:54:58 GMT

Thanks LTF,

You raised interesting things.

Personally I've never understood how any parent can favour one child over another or all others. Those not in favour struggle all their lives to seek the recognition/love they deserve but rarely reach the level that's just and that can be a weapon used against you.

When researching narcissism I learned many acts are under that umbrella. Silence used as a weapon is narcissistic behaviour (my 1st wife). So body language used by a parent with her knowing full well its adverse effects on you is concerning.

These manipulative even demonstrative actions can scar the victim well beyond the death of the perpetrator. That potentially how serious this is.

Unfortunately the more we victims fight for our basic rights the worse the treatment becomes, the less likely apologies come our way, or the abuser seeks help or if they seek professional help it's only to confirm their own actions. "My psychologist said you have treated me terribly over the years". Knowing I could never get confirmation of said statement. No confirmation- it was never said!

Since I left my mother's life in 2010 I've adopted an older lady as my mother (unofficially). She is really proud of everything I do. In contrast 45 years ago as a very young prison warder I had to remind my birth mother that I'm on the right side of the bars.

It takes great determination and self belief to brave a parents onslaught when they manipulate or blackmail. As victims we know right from wrong and as victims we should stand strong and take action for our own greater good...whatever action that is chosen. For self esteem reasons such action might begin as baby steps which eventually arrives at a fork in the road. One road, continue taking the treatment hoping things will change or the other road, break free. There is low chance of middle ground because a caring loving proud and stable relationship doesn't include "control".

TonyWK

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

Guest_1055 — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 11:51:02 GMT

I agree this topic is eye opening. I am learning more from each person who is posting in here. Like a said, I have a relative that fits in with this emotional blackmail. And even the guilt trip thing. And he so extremely controlling. Controlled others by fear I think.

I was visiting there home one day. A few family members were sort of mumbling... Saying "she is going to get it". I didn't know what they were talking about. But just after a little bit, it was me who got it. I was yelled at with such force and anger. I have no idea to this day as to what for. I had never experienced this kind of anger at me. It scared me so much. (I ran into their laundry and curled up in fear) But the family members in that home... I am assuming they knew the body language signs of him or something. I didn't.

Now one of these family members is getting emotionally stronger and he appears to be getting worse.

It's so confusing.

Anyone else heard of Dr Carter? Cannot remember his first name at the moment. I have listened to a few of his ytube videos. And he has many if them.

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

Guest_1055 — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 12:21:44 GMT

Dr Les Carter

https://youtube.com/c/SurvivingNarcissism

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

Ggrand — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 13:05:48 GMT

Hello Tony and everyone..

Isn’t it really sad that the people that manipulate another person is usually a family member... or a close friend of the family.....They know how to trick people into believing their words are truth...using people so the manipulator can feel superior to their victims....

I often wonder, if it’s a type of greed...not really the greed for money so much....but the greed for power, the greed for themselves...for their own self preservation......nothing else matters to them....except their own wants....

I think they enjoy the sadness and fear that they put into their victims...and knowing they can inflict this emotional damage, onto someone is what makes them stronger..

Grandy.l,

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

Juliet_84 — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 13:26:30 GMT

Hi Tony,

I see so many parallels between our stories. Unfortunately children don’t seem to grow up and punish their abuser, they grow up to punish themselves. Her words became mine over time, my fears related to my illness became my own personal prison. My mother doesn’t seem to fit the criteria for a borderline personality, but she definitely fits the descriptions I have read regarding vulnerable narcissists. Arrogance, need for total control and blind loyalty, preoccupied with people’s social standing and how she was perceived, but also deeply insecure and volatile. I remember one incident, not because it was particularly bad but because it was indicative of the usual encounters. I was 12 or so and had a friend over after school and we were playing a game (“run-across”) in the front yard. Anyway my mum decided that I would come in for dinner at 5:30pm (we usually ate dinner later but she would often change the rules if it was inconvenient). Anyway she called me inside, and instead of coming inside immediately, I had one more turn and ran across the yard one more time but I slipped and fell down the driveway. The driveway was pretty steep and brick so it was a pretty bad fall and I lost a lot of skin. Seeing how badly I was injured, my friend ran to the front door, calling for my mother. But my mother who saw this is as an act of willful disobedience, had a look of barely contained fury on her face (she wouldn’t have if my friend was not there). Instead she just stood there for a second and made eye contact with me as I lay there before turning on her heel and walking away. My friend who was quite shocked and confused helped me up and carried me inside instead. but then at other times and for less severe injuries, she would be very caring and loving. You could never tell whether you were going to get the carrot or the stick. It made a lot of sense to me when I found out that I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style in relationships, a deep desire for intimacy but an intense fear of it. I am a quite sensitive and soft soul so I usually know when I have done something wrong. But I was always completely blindsided by what I had done wrong to incite such rage, and at other times the same thing barely got a reaction, the shifting goal posts I suppose.

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

white knight — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 20:23:13 GMT

Hi Juliet

From the incident when you fell...sounds like your mother had the view "she got what she deserved as she didn't come inside straight away".

I've had the view that tyrannical people that also are nurturing (extreme opposites) are problematic. My sister and I in our 50's before we broke contact with our mother, so late in life due to the presence of that nurturing side.

That "shifting of the goal posts" I'd suspect is the mood swings. Dr Christine Lawsons 4 characters

Queen witch waif hermit (google)

Covers what I believe was my mother's illness.

Grandy, greed. I'd probably use selfishness but they are parallel descriptions. Selfishness and jealous covers many peoples adverse attitudes in my experience.

Shelll, I'll look at that link.

Regards TonyWK

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

Guest_1643 — Fri, 17 Dec 2021 06:54:39 GMT

Hi Tony,

I wander if also one can become trauma bonded to the person blackmailing us.

There are reasons we stay, ways they curl their claws into our life.

It is hard to get out.

my abuser would make me feel guilty for everything,

It has taken me years, ding, and some therapy to understand subtle control, and to realise the placing guilt is an act of manipulation.

I have slowly let go of guilt.

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

Learn to Fly — Sun, 19 Dec 2021 09:34:32 GMT

Guys,

What would be your suggestions of breaking the vicious cycle, read: not repeating our parents’ damaging behaviours?
Myself, I have been working on getting to the bottom of some of my behaviours that have recently popped up to the surface: being short of patience and overreacting and snapping. I have observed myself being like that during the last 6 - 8 months and I can’t stand this person. I don’t recognise nor identify with this person, yet, it comes to life in most unexpected moments.

All of your posts here have helped me immensely to identify it better, link it to my childhood but I also realise this is only a beginning. I have always been a believer of knowledge and education, so that’s what I have been trying to do. However, I wonder if you know any other ways of making a permanent shift to the tracks.

I don’t want to be to my kids as my mother was to me. That’s the bottom line. I want to be their friend who nurtures and supports them in making their own choices, encourages them and prizes their efforts. Help them learn how to confidently spread their wings, instead of clipping them short.

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

white knight — Sun, 19 Dec 2021 10:31:23 GMT

Hi Sleepy

Good question. "There are reasons we stay, ways they curl their claws into our life" Well, they are parents and generally we don't question the thought they are so flawed. Also they have influence on other family members. The threat is we could lose them. Stopping all contact with my mother was only possible due to her denial and refusal to get help, her destructiveness and instability.

Learn to fly,

Inheriting parents characteristics is deflating but as its unavoidable. You must ensure your fairness and compassion extends to yourself.

Is there positives here? Well yeh, you immediately eliminated half of your challenge by acknowledging what negative traits you've inherited. By trying to remove them all from your character you are seeking unreachable perfection. Your endeavour is good but over stepping the line with your own kids is easily done and that's where apologies or lessons learned is being reasonable to you.

Your best is good enough, any more than your best is compounded with worry which is not productive.

What do you think.

TonyWK

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

Guest_1055 — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 01:00:24 GMT

Hi learn to fly...

I agree with Tony I think that the fact you acknowledge and see certain behaviours in yourself is a good thing. And it's obvious you genuinely care about your children and don't want your behaviour to hurt them etc

My extended relative, whom I actually care about. I don't think he sees truly what he is like. (anger, control issues, perhaps narcissism) It makes me feel sad that he seems stuck and struggles so much. I don't think he sees that he hurts people. Just not sensitive to others emotions or something. And will often blame others.

So yeah I think it's great you notice these negative behaviours in yourself. And also it seems to be a stressful time in history at the moment. So maybe that is affecting you perhaps.

If you snap, loose patience etc towards you children. I would use this as a teaching tool on how not to behave. Like saying "please forgive me for snapping at you ( and depending how young they are, you could even say, snapping like a turtle, or like an angry lion) and then say it was wrong of mumma to behave that way towards you. And then give them a hug or something.

Just some ideas anyway.

There are children's picture behaviour books out there too. Which may help to reinforce the right loving behaviours and such.

Emotional blackmail- surviving it

Learn to Fly — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 09:51:38 GMT

Thank you so much Tony and Shelll.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and wisdom. Once you say it, it seems so obvious. And you and everyone else in this thread have helped me to take a closer look at myself, my behaviours, the source of them etc I am already more conscious of what’s happening with me and putting on brakes earlier. I talk to myself more often and I start to feel hopeful.
I am fully aware that this is going to be a long process but just the knowledge that I have already started, this helps a lot.

Thanks Guys.