topic extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve.. in Relationship and family issues

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Abbie121 — Mon, 30 Dec 2019 07:28:43 GMT

I've been struggling with loss and grief from a long-term relationship breakdown last year, and now find myself in isolation with deep loneliness and sadness.. made worse by looking back at my life this time last year where it was full of people and things to do. I find I reach out to friends to try and connect but I get nothing back - they are too busy with their families or don't even reply. I want contact with my ex just to try to re-live some of the connection and affection we had, which I know is unhealthy but he has moved on and doesn't want anything to do with me. I struggle to understand why I can't form lasting relationships or why people have no interest in spending time with me, or even checking in on me to offer a kind word or support. I have no one to talk to or spend time with. I'm dreading tomorrow new year's eve when everyone else will be spending it with people and I want that too, but can't seem to get it. I don't know what to do..

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Matchy69 — Mon, 30 Dec 2019 08:15:24 GMT

Hi Abbie121 ,i just read your post and see some similarities with your story and mine.I to lost someone i was very close to and know they will never have anything to do with me again.This has really broken me and the few family i have left allways seem to busy and not interested in me.I spent Christmas day alone and will be spending new years eve alone to.I have allways struggled to make friends and keep them and i have Aspergers syndrome which dosnt help.

I try to keep busy even when its so hard some times.I like gardening and old motorbikes.I also have 2 kids that i have most weekends and they both have special needs.

Try and do something you enjoy doing even how hard it can be.You sound like a really caring person.

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Aaronsis — Mon, 30 Dec 2019 08:30:41 GMT

Hi Abbie121

Great to chat to you and I hear what you are saying in that this time of year is really hard for so many people, so many grieving loved ones passed and relationships that have passed too. It is a time when alot of expectations are around, that we will be spending time with family and with our future partners and family etc..this is not always the case.

I think it is so hard keeping in touch with people and we all lead such fast paced busy lives that we do forget to remember people..if that makes sense..I am not sure if you know what I mean but my life is crazy busy, I have two teen children, I work full time and the rest of the time I am here...I think of my best friend all the time and each time I go to call her something ends up distracting me....poor excuse I know but when we do finally chat and even finally catch up it can be months later..my point is that she is always on my mind and in my heart..I need to get better at phoning her...I am sharing this I guess as sometimes it really is hard to make time for everyone else..let alone me....I believe you are always in your friends thoughts, does it help when you need them most..no but it does help sometimes to know it is real and life is busy and they are not brushing you off or forgetting you. In fact just by writing this now to you I am going to make a promise to be a better friend in 2020...and make real time for the people who I love.

Tomorrow night, I actually hate NYE..so full of rules..and shoulds...anyway...are there things that you love to do? Can you make some new traditions and make the night about Abbie121 and not about the shoulds..that you should be kissing someone at midnight...give yourself a kiss and do something wonderful that you like doing..a movie...a beach trip ...something that you love to do...I know it is not the same but you can do something that makes you feel good about you. Perhaps even if you went to a public park with the amount of free community things on and fireworks (scary with all the fires in Aust atm)..but you could pack a picnic and enjoy some you time.

I am not sure if I have helped at all and I am so very sorry that you are feeling so lonely and isolated and are reminded of how your life has been in the past and is not like that now.

I hope you find something wonderful to do tomorrow night that makes you feel good.

hugs

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Abbie121 — Mon, 30 Dec 2019 09:01:48 GMT

Thank you for your message Matchy, much appreciated.. it's good to know there are people who understand and feel the same way. It does sound hard for you too, but I know it's true that keeping busy with things that give you some happiness is the key thing.. I'm glad you have those interests and your kids. I'll try to focus on the small things that are enjoyable, thank you for the encouragement and kind words.

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Abbie121 — Mon, 30 Dec 2019 09:13:51 GMT

Thanks so much AS, your thoughtful words do mean a lot and are a help.. You sound like you are a great friend, and it's true that even though people can't always be in touch, they're in each other's thoughts.. that's usually enough for me but at times like this I can understand what a big difference it would make for a friend to take a minute to reach out (just as you did here) to those they know are alone, who might be struggling at this time of year, might be going through or recovering from grief or may just benefit from being asked how they are.. Thanks for the supportive encouragement about NYE.. I will do my best to do something like that, something nice for me. I hope you are going okay and hugs back to you x

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Aaronsis — Mon, 30 Dec 2019 10:43:34 GMT

Thank you for your kind support to me too Abbie121, that is so very much appreciated and I too am finding out that how things were for my last NYE and Christmas is very different to this year also. I do understand that a friend reaching out and taking the time to call and to care really does only take a minute and it really does hurt.

I am hoping that perhaps by me reaching out more to my friends and being a better friend next year that they will follow my lead and contact me some more too, almost like model the behavior.

I hope you do something wonderful for you tomorrow, even a massage or a pedi or some self care..that sounds wonderful actually....might take some of my own advice...

Thank you again for your kind sweet words, this is where I will be tomorrow, with beautiful people like you.

Huge hugs

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Jhc — Mon, 30 Dec 2019 11:10:25 GMT

Hi Abbie121

Try to take some comfort in that you are not the only one going through feeling like this at the moment. My partner who I loved deeply broke up with me two weeks ago. I don't think I've ever felt this level of despair and darkness before in my life. I too had a very different life one year ago and up until not so long ago I assumed I would be with him at this time of the year. My friends are mostly married with children and I feel they don't understand my despair and loss. I guess we just have to keep on taking one step forward, as what else is there to do? Tomorrow night I'm going to start reading another book on my list and try and pretend it's just another weeknight.

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Abbie121 — Tue, 31 Dec 2019 02:17:47 GMT

Thanks Jhc, and so sorry for your recent loss. I know that despair of losing someone you love so much and thought you would always be with. I think that is true though, that all you can do at this time is keep on taking a small step forward, no matter how tiny and how hard.. one hour and one day at a time, and over time, the pain will start to not feel so raw and all-consuming. That sounds like a great idea to start a new book tonight, I might do the same. Hugs to you x

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Abbie121 — Tue, 31 Dec 2019 02:26:54 GMT

Thank you AS.. yes, some self-care for you today sounds lovely, definitely take some of your own good advice. 🙂 I woke up today a bit more determined to do something good for me, and did a long beach walk this morning. Even though I wish things were different and am so sad I will try to take pleasure and comfort in the small things like that and not dwell on the past or what could have been. Hugs x

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Nothappyuni — Tue, 31 Dec 2019 04:31:48 GMT

Hi Abbie121,

I am sure we talked months ago about breakups. I finally had to leave my partner 5 weeks ago, the abuse had become so bad I had to throw some clothes in a bag and run out of the house. This time last year I had a family, we watched the fireworks together with a bunch of school friends of one of my kids. I lived in a big flash house and was getting nearly straight Distinctions at university. Now I have to go to Macca's for internet, I'm struggling with uni and I sleep in my car as often as a bed. To cap it off, my father has just had a horrific fall and is not expected to survive the resulting implications (my mother is already passed). Christmas was hard, but this will be the first New Years in 25 years without my X.

I so feel all the things Abbie121 says in her first post, that is so how I feel! It is amazing. I guess though, that I will have to take Jhc's advice and try to read a book, though the whole world is spinning for me, and I can't help thinking of my X out with her new partner, my friends are all married or busy, my kids grown up with their own concerns.

All my life I have been the tough one, but finally the cracks are showing. I pray the new year brings us all what we need, a little joy into our lives. I will be thinking of you all tonight.

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Abbie121 — Tue, 31 Dec 2019 05:41:15 GMT

Hi there, thank you for your message.. I'm sure we did chat months ago about break-ups.. I felt I was doing a bit better for a while but not anymore. I'm sorry about the situation you're in at the moment, it sounds extremely hard. I'm glad you got out of the abusive relationship though. I hope you continue to persevere at uni and that things start to improve a little for you in the new year.. thanks again and sending thoughts to you.

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Nothappyuni — Tue, 31 Dec 2019 06:39:21 GMT

Hi Abbie,

Thanks for your support, I return the favour to you.

Your first post still rings in my head about wanting to go back to the X. I feel like I can't even breath without her and at times would give anything to be with her, I wonder is it not worth the abuse, just to not be alone?

We will have to see how our lives have changed 12 months from now.

Is it a pact? Every one that has posted and that reads this, mark the date and lets see how far we have come in 12 months time.

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Abbie121 — Tue, 31 Dec 2019 07:05:04 GMT

Thanks Nothappy.. yes, I felt that I desperately wanted the ex back many times over the year, but each time deep down my gut and brain told me that we parted for good reason and it was not working, and I deserved much better than what I was getting with him. I too used to think that I would give anything to be back with him - the comfortability, occasional moments of joy and contentedness in the relationship, company - even if it did mostly cause me pain and suffering. But I think I have come to realise that it is so much better to be alone than with someone and in pain and feeling lonely. I can see that I am worth more than that, and you are too. My mind often goes back to the good times/good qualities in the relationship, which is frustrating, but I know that the bad had outweighed the good in the end. I like to think that one day we might make our way back to each other but in reality I need to accept that it is over. Acceptance is what is so hard. I wish acceptance and ease and hope to you all.

Yes, let's see how far we come in 12 months and meet back here and share. I truly hope we are all feeling quite differently to now, and that are all on the path we are meant to be on towards peace and happiness.

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Jhc — Tue, 31 Dec 2019 07:31:27 GMT

Hi Nothappy@uni

It will be interesting to compare in one years time. Everyone keeps saying that time does heal. I know from previous breakups that is true particularly when deep down inside you recognise that you were unhappy and the bad times outnumbered the good times. However, in my most recent breakup I was very happy, the happiest two years of my life. Which is why it came as a big shock. I wish there had been bad times so that I could focus on that to help me move forwards. But I feel so confused about why it ended. I hope that this experience does not destroy my ability to ever trust and be happy again, but that's how it currently feels. My thoughts are with you all for happiness in the future.

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Nothappyuni — Tue, 31 Dec 2019 20:19:13 GMT

Hi everyone,

My X wrote to me at 3:32 this morning to say I was the problem because I expected too much. I had made the mistake of wishing her a happy life in 2020 at 4:40 pm on 31st. It was a long message that basically blamed me for everything because I expected too much and she really had no idea what my problem was. She had been shocked when I fled the house over a month ago. The first 10 years were heaven, then 5 more that had a lot of happiness, then 10 years of decline with 3 of those being hell for me, so bad I frequently considered opting out of life altogether.

Her foundations of normal are based on her parents who sleep in separate rooms and have done for 20 years, and two close friends who have not been intimate with their husbands for 10 years and also sleep in separate rooms from their partner. In all three instances most conversations between the couples are conducted via text or on facebook, there is NO INTIMACY at all. Yet I have been to 5 separate psychologists/social workers who all say that that is not a NORMAL relationship. Some people are beyond help, they drag you down with them, but you don't come up when they do. A year from now.

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Abbie121 — Wed, 01 Jan 2020 05:31:16 GMT

Hi Nothappy@uni

Sorry to hear that happened.. I absolutely know what it's like to want to contact the person you shared so much with on occasions like this.. often it doesn't work out the way we'd like it to though. Remember that wanting and needing consistent and growing intimacy - physical and emotional - in a relationship is never expecting too much. It's a necessity and shouldn't be compromised. The lack of that is what drove me and my ex apart too, and I was always made to feel I was too much, too emotional, too needy. But I had normal needs in a relationship - wanting quality time, affection, intimacy, emotional connection and growth. I feel they are necessities, but I was constantly craving them, and I keep needing to remind myself of this when I feel the pull back to them, or miss the many good qualities they had. So hard. Sending strength to you.

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Nothappyuni — Wed, 01 Jan 2020 21:28:33 GMT

Hi Abbie121,

I pay up to $180 per visit to see psychologists about this issue. I see several because I doubt myself that much, when one psychologist says my reaction and heightened need are a reasonable response to the imposed isolation my partner put me through, I don't believe them.

My X had brainwashed me into believing I was excessively needy, and that I was too emotional. Speaking to you, and reading the posts of hundreds of others who suffered the same abuse is truly comforting. Now as a final power ploy I have lost both my offspring to elaborate lies about me told by my X. My Doctor and two of the psychologists said that would happen, but I didn't want to believe them. There is so much I don't want to believe, but have to. Thanks Abbie121, strong together!

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Deecee88 — Thu, 02 Jan 2020 15:09:55 GMT

I’m in the same boat. I’ve been alone for the last 7 New Years without a single call or text from anyone. My heart is beyond broken especially watching people’s stories on IG of them having so much fun. I don’t know what I did wrong in life. It’s broken me to the point where I can’t function anymore

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Nothappyuni — Fri, 03 Jan 2020 07:44:33 GMT

Hi Deecee88,

It takes a little while for some of the experts to write a response here.

I was single for 4 years and I made an effort to go out and find people. It was a huge effort, but I needed to do it. Then I met my last partner who was jealous of all my friends and drove them away or told me to make them go. My partner hated how I cold win anyone over and have conversations with strangers, she would attack me for being friendly- gradually I had no one in the world but her, then she told me I was needy because I needed conversation and contact with her, then I left because I realised it was abuse.

You have nothing stopping you, its your life, write your own story. Get up go out and join a club. Find an interest and make acquaintances with people. I have had to start my entire life over, and the first people I contacted were distant relatives, they were happy to extend a hand, I went to church, they were great, I joined a social gym. I still feel terribly alone, but it all helps. Plus the people see are great- when you can get one. Someone will respond.

Good luck, new year, new life, new beginnings.

extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

Abbie121 — Sat, 04 Jan 2020 08:06:22 GMT

Hi Deecee88, thanks for replying. I know exactly how you feel. Sending you hugs and comfort and reach out here to us whenever you need. x