topic Struggling with recent separation. in Relationship and family issues

Struggling with recent separation.

MO2TG — Sat, 28 Dec 2019 03:17:34 GMT

I'm at a loss. Struggling through a separation that was not my choice. 22 years together and my husband won't consider counselling. Very black and white in his attitude. Said he has unhappy for years and feels nothing but used. Now it's his turn to do what he wants. He's done with me, the kids and helping others. He moved out but what I thought was a spring clean was a getting rid of stuff because he was leaving. It's like he's already dealt with it yet I'm just at the beginning.
We had I thought a healthy sex life, team work and great friendship. Going through life together getting ready for more time together as the kids are older teens now.
At first I thought the anger was issues with his work and I picked up the slack in our relationship.
He has held onto every one of my flaws and thrown them in my face from the last 20 + yrs. Obviously has harboured a lot of resentment towards me.
I'm a mess, now when I try to talk to him it's just a barrage of emotional abuse. A complete change in personality. No affection completely withdrawn from me. It hurts. I feel that he has an underlying mental health issue like depression. There plenty of indicators and risk factors. It has been a difficult 2 yrs for family reasons but I was blindsided by this.
Now when i do see him I get so anxious because I don't know what to do anymore.
I try to keep busy. The loneliness is at times unbearable. I give myself pep talks. I talk to my family. I'm stuck in my old life while he is making a fresh one. He does not share info or include me which is to be expected but it's hard. I'm surrounded by memories.
But not ready to make changes. I'm waiting and I know it's unhealthy but I'm not ready to give up.

Struggling with recent separation.

white knight — Sat, 28 Dec 2019 10:25:40 GMT

Hi welcome

Ive been there 3 times all over 7 years duration.

Ine such was my first marriage with two girls 7 and 4yo when following 11 years emotional abuse had to walk out. I’d also had a suicide attempt.

I learned that moving on stopped the torture. I also learned that after a given amount of time about 3 months , if it can’t be repaired a new life is the better option.

finally, I reduced contact to her only when necessary. The abuse continued for 14 years in subtle ways whenever I spoke to her. As our youngest reached 18yo I stopped all contact. A relief.

Obviously he has harboured resentment and it’s overflowing, less likely depression involved.

The best remedy for you is social expansion, hobbies, sports, dating just to find a happiness.

Please google

beyondblue topic the best praise you’ll ever get

beyondblue topic distraction and variety

I hope they help. Repost anytime

TonyWK

Struggling with recent separation.

MO2TG — Sun, 05 Jan 2020 20:18:26 GMT

It still hard everyday. I know it's a grief process that the only way is going through it. Rejection is hard on your soul and the beliefs I had about our family and relationship.
I just go through everyday one day at a time.
I just don't understand and I will unlikely get closure. I have not reached a level of acceptance either.
Hìs perspective and ultimate decision were so far from what I believed It's hard to put together. I look for reasons that fit and it doesn't compute. I try not to go down the rabbit hole that I was not enough.
I have a lot of fear about.my future...how I will manage emotionally, financially how will I ever trust again.
How does he find it so easy.. and stay so detached.

Struggling with recent separation.

white knight — Sun, 05 Jan 2020 21:07:08 GMT

Hi,

Trying to understand how another human being thinks is an exercise in futility. It is amazing how diverse we are. Then that is worse when a couple split because while together and close both parties adjust their natural ways to fit into a couple, when it parts ways our natural way returns.

As I said the grieving process will take a while. Until then fill your daily life with activities preferably enough to make you exhausted and you'll sleep better.

Essentially there is no ideal answer to the process of recovery. Hence to allow the grief to go its course and when you are feeling better make vital changes to your life in a positive way that will help.

I hope you feel better soon

TonyWK

Struggling with recent separation.

Jhc — Mon, 06 Jan 2020 09:03:56 GMT

Hi MO2TG

Your last post is like it is written straight from my mind. It's exactly how I feel and what I am thinking. Over and over, no escape. I try to keep busy and distracted but then it is there in my mind again. It's been a month since he left. You're not alone - take care of yourself.

Struggling with recent separation.

Mr K — Mon, 06 Jan 2020 22:11:29 GMT

Hi Jhc and MO2TG, I'm not quite at the physical stage you are but it's the direction I'm heading in and it's terrifying for all the reasons you have mentioned. Like you I don't know what I did or didn't do that was so bad that my partner decided to end our relationship without giving it an opportunity. I'm about to plunge into that rabbit hole myself without the support of close family and because i've focused on my wife and kids for so long not even the availability of friendships for support. I guess for me I've made excuses for my wifes behaviour for such a long time that it has become habitual for me to defend and justify things I don't really think are right. I guess that's why I still blame myself for us reaching this point even though I know it's not helpful. I wish I knew the answer to take away your and my pain but at this point my mind is exactly how Jhc described, I'm trying to stay focused and distracted but over and over again the what ifs of the past and future are there haunting and frightening me. Good luck both of you it's going to be a tough time. For what it's worth feel free to share with me if it helps, I hope you can help me too.

Struggling with recent separation.

MO2TG — Thu, 09 Jan 2020 21:35:52 GMT

Hey Mr K & jhc
I have been going through this foe awhile now. I have got to a point where I can't live in hope anymore. It rips me apart. I have taken steps to protect myself from further pointless and futile waiting.
Life and time does not stop. I have given myself a huge pep talk about what I do and don't want. I don't want the unhappiness, I want happiness and enjoyment to return to my life. While there is still a process of grief . I am making peace with things i cannot control. I am letting go and taking steps towards a new beginning. I deserve that and so do my kids. I will get there

Struggling with recent separation.

coolraddler — Fri, 10 Jan 2020 13:25:46 GMT

I feel your pain on this too. My girlfriend of 3+ years (I’m female too), cheated on me with a male three months ago and then left me for him. She was (I thought) my soul mate and best friend in the world, and I’ve lost that now. There was so much lying and deceit around her leaving me and it just tears me up inside and I will never get full closure over what happened. We both had kids, owned our own home together and we were a family, but that’s gone now. I’m over the anger now, but I still have so much sadness over what happened and still have not forgiven her. We still talk about being friends eventually, and I do want that, it’s just so hard, and I have so much anxiety thinking of her with him, it’s terrible. At the moment one of my solutions is going out and picking up men every weekend when I don’t have the kids, but that behaviour is not viable in the long term. Note we’d both been with men our whole life until we got together, probably part of the issue... I think my anxiety over this situation is my biggest problem. It’s like a huge weight on top of my chest and feels like it just eats me up. How can I work through that? People keep telling me that things will get better with time, but I just can’t see that at the moment. The other complicating factor is I think I still love her, even after everything she did to me and even though there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation, that does not help my headspace either.

Struggling with recent separation.

MO2TG — Sat, 11 Jan 2020 12:14:42 GMT

Hey coolraddler
It plain sux. It's grief plain and simple. Loss of friendship , imagined future and family.
I was overwhelmed and really struggled. I still struggle but it is getting bearable. I am kinder to myself. I welcome happiness and joy into my life regardless of how small. I do get sad and cry but i embrace that to. I seek help as needed, I am getting better with not being anxious over things i cannot control. I haves choices...I may not like them but I do have them. I'm a work in progress and I think I'm coming along ok.
I tried to be angry but it wasn't worth it for me. I became More frustrated and made me feel worse. Whatever the reason for breakups....
We are all different. Im getting through this by ...what mattered for me was my own inner acceptance. I am OK being me and I will be ok.

Struggling with recent separation.

carlsland — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 00:29:23 GMT

Do you think it could be a midlife crisis? I hope that he can work it through and come home.

Struggling with recent separation.

MO2TG — Thu, 16 Jan 2020 10:03:39 GMT

Hi Carlsland
I've thought it could be a.lot.of things...mid life crisis, decreasing hormones, depression etc
Its Been a rollercoaster.
He seems better when we have contact lately.
But I have made steps to secure my future , I need to keep moving forward. He needs to continue to work on himself, he has a long way to go....

Struggling with recent separation.

florean_fortescue — Mon, 20 Jan 2020 02:52:27 GMT

Hey MO2TG's,

The stuff you wrote resonates strongly with me. I've recently been blindsided myself by my wife saying that she's not sure she still loves me and has apparently been unhappy for quite a while. It really, really sucks. I stumbled across the beyondblue forums this morning and while it sounds bad that to say that other people's struggles are making me feel better, there is something healing about knowing others have/are going through the same thing so thank you for sharing your story/progress, one day I'll have to write my own.

I don't recall what the etiquette post said we were meant to write when well wishing, but I hope you continue to have the strength to put one foot in front of the other and continue on your journey through this trying time.

Struggling with recent separation.

MO2TG — Mon, 27 Jul 2020 10:57:12 GMT

florean_fortescue thankyou.
I hope you are well. I just realised I hadn't replied. I was going over.my old posts to try and get perspective again.i feel a range of emotions that revolve in a circle , positivity motivations sadness anxiety. Mostly I try not to think to much and just perform tasks at hand. Day to day week to week.
I miss sharing a life with someone.
Continue.to work on myself trying to work through it.
How's your journey/ situation

Struggling with recent separation.

Miss_Missy — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 00:29:30 GMT

I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your separation. I read your post and can identify completely. I recently separated too, completely blindsided I don’t know what to do or where to from here.

I know for all of us this pain won’t last. Emotions are never constant. We will get through this.

Being separated is difficult and lonely. I just wanted to let you know there are many of us in the same situation.

Struggling with recent separation.

24J88K — Tue, 16 Feb 2021 01:20:52 GMT

So sorry to hear some familiar stories. I hope everyone is healing.

I am in the second month of a surprise separation from my wife of 22 years. Leading up to this break, I can only describe our marriage as the most amazing, fulfilling relationship I could have ever hoped for. We have a young daughter and up until now, what I thought was an amazing an fulfilling life across all aspects. Then a month ago, my wife asked for a break and completely withdrew from me. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced, the anxiety, depression, loneliness, feeling hopeless, scared - it has just been awful. I have recently started a round of anti-depressants as I find it so difficult to cope day to day. Though I do have bright moments, which sometimes last for hours. The worst part though is waking up every morning - that is the worst, lowest part of my day.

She says she needs a break, to figure things out, to see who she is without me - her own person. She says this is a separation and not a divorce, but I can see the writing is on the wall. She wants to make our bank accounts separate, she has taken off her wedding ring, the parenting of our daughter has a very distinct "individual" style now. We basically don't parent as a unit, rather she goes out with mum, then does things separately with me.

The hardest part for me is that I am dying inside which I have expressed to her, but she is just totally "normal". No emotion, going about her day like all is fine and going out a lot. She is not coming home a few nights a week, staying over her friends houses, which basically gives me anxiety. I feel there might be another person involved, maybe not in the sense that she has been unfaithful, but maybe someone she is interested in and will move on with once this separation ends in divorce. That would make sense why it's such an easy (seemingly) process for her at the moment.

I am trying to stay positive, I still exercise daily, I go for walks, I try to work as best I can - but work is suffering somewhat as I have no motivation. It all seems meaningless.

My big concern is what will the future look like? Financially, a divorce will be awful. I also fear that to find someone else one day will be difficult. One month ago I was the happiest bloke alive, I still wonder in amazement at what on earth happened.

Enough rambling from me.

I wish everyone here who is struggling the best of luck. Stay strong.

Struggling with recent separation.

Brisso — Wed, 17 Feb 2021 07:19:24 GMT

Mate, this group is here to help so please feel all is not lost. I'm at the start myself and can identify with what you are feeling so please know you are not alone. Talk to friends and family, share the pain as they will want to help you. i have confessed some of the most embarrassing things I have done to my Mother in her 70's and my Sister and the sharing has brought us closer together. People will help.

You can't think too far into the future, you need to focus on every day. Every morning practice some gratitude - think of 3 things you love and make you feel good, it can be as simple as My Daughter, the bowl of ice cream I had last night and my friend at work who makes me laugh, do that, meditate, breath and take cold showers every day and it will help. Sounds too simple but as a non-believer, it works! We're with you.

Struggling with recent separation.

MO2TG — Wed, 17 Feb 2021 10:43:05 GMT

Hi
Its a tough time definitely.
Grieving...its something to process and is so diverse.

If she has asked for space, give it.
Get out of the house and do something for yourself. Plan something for every weekend.
Show that u are an independent person in your own right.
For now just focus on the hour or the day and getting through it. The what ifs are just that. Don't look to far in the future of what might be.
Be you, be healthy, maintain good communication skills and resist reaching out for what's not going to be there.
I made blunders along the way 2 steps forward, several more backwards
Im still sad about him leaving,I feel angry at times that I never got a fair go at working on it. But I did the best I could. I was patient and loyal. I am now just starting to socialise outside of family and close friends Covid didn't help.
I still find that I need to plan one thing each weekend to do, or they are to long by myself . I'm a work in progress taking my time. I am happy and at peace with who I am.
You will get there. Glad u reached out. It plain sux, no doubt about it.

Struggling with recent separation.

white knight — Wed, 17 Feb 2021 11:14:34 GMT

Please Google

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

TonyWK

Struggling with recent separation.

24J88K — Mon, 01 Mar 2021 00:08:28 GMT

Thanks guys, appreciate the kind words and support. Hope you're all well, also.

Struggling with recent separation.

9090 — Fri, 05 Mar 2021 01:42:10 GMT

I am new to this forum and am two months in to my separation after 12 years and one child. Needless to say my world has been turned upside down on all levels. I have already found it comforting to read the posts in this section. I think I just want o feel that I am not alone and that there are others out there who are also dealing with the intense and exhausting grief and loss that comes with such a brutal change in the trajectory of your planned life. It is lonely and losing my child for 50 percent of the time is one of the worst pains I have ever felt. His father is a great Dad having said that but has stopped communicating with me except in a transactional way. Do others have children, and how are you supporting them through this? I can only imagine what it looks like from his side, trying to make sense of this adult world.