topic So angry in Relationship and family issues

So angry

Purple4 — Mon, 25 May 2020 11:39:59 GMT

I am so angry and confused.

A few hours ago my 22yr old daughter called be upset and confided that she has been having a sexual relationship with her therapist.

I told her that her therapist has betrayed her trust and that she needs to report him. She thinks she is in love with him.

I asked her to call beyond blue for and unbiased point of view. She just finished telling me that the beyond blue person she spoke to said that this was ok as it is mutual.

Seriously is this true?

I am furious, angry, sad, hell I feel so helpless right now

So angry

Aaronsis — Mon, 25 May 2020 12:01:29 GMT

Hello Purple4

I am so sorry that you have this huge worry and this horrendous display of mistrust that a person of authority or care can manipulate and abuse a person who is vulnerable. Whilst I am a community champion I am in no way here to speak on behalf of Beyond Blue, however I would be very surprised that anyone would see this relationship as "OK as it is mutual". She is a client, he is a person who is responsible for her care and is treating her wellbeing, what he has done in my opinion is breech the doctor/patient code.

The fact she is calling you so very upset sets bells ringing for me in that she too knows that this is not right and she is reaching out for support, at the same time she may have feelings for this person but is fighting with feelings V's knowing what the right thing to do is.

I am so sorry that your daughter has been subjected to this situation, and your family too.

I am sure others will share their thoughts and opinions on this too Purple4.

Can I ask if you are sure she actually did call Beyond Blue?

Here to chat and to support you Purple4

Sarah

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Purple4 — Mon, 25 May 2020 12:47:23 GMT

Thankyou for your reply.

I told my daughter I posted here and she is angry with me. She wants to protect him and I want to protect her.

Just losing my mind. She told me she did call so I have to take her word on that. I did tell her that i find it very hard to believe that she was told it was ok.

How dare a professional do this to a paitent. How dare they

So angry

Guest_7403 — Mon, 25 May 2020 13:11:49 GMT

He's taken advantage of a vulnerable young woman under his care, it is by know means ethically or morally acceptable.

So angry

Purple4 — Mon, 25 May 2020 14:45:10 GMT

I just don't know what to do. I thought by asking my daughter to call a help line for advice would help. I honestly don't know if she did speak with an online counselor from here or what info she shared. I just find it so hard to believe that if she did disclose the truth about her relationship with her therapist that anyone would say it wasn't illegal if consensual.

Now she is angry with me and says that she wishes she didn't tell me because I have over reacted and gone psycho. I can't discuss this with anyone as I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone.

I am divorced from her father and she told me that he is aware of this situation with her therapist. I feel that I am losing my mind. Why am I the only one who sees how wrong this is.

My daughter says she will protect her therapist and that he makes her happy. My daughter very recently broke up from a long term relationship and is so very vulnerable. I understand her need to feel loved and desired and I believe her therapist has taken advantage of her.

God knows how many other clients / patients he has done this with.

I did tell her that I was posting in this forum as I needed to have peace of mind and I just dont know what else to do.

I feel like I need to save her from herself as she is looking for love in the wrong place.

I really just wanted her to talk to a trusted professional about her rights and give her unbiased information about her situation.

She says she did that and was told it was ok.

What am I supposed to do now?

So angry

geoff — Mon, 25 May 2020 19:05:42 GMT

Hello Purple4, thanks for posting your comment and I'm sure it must have been difficult to do so, but as the others have said, ethically it should not have happened, simply because he could lose his licence.

What could have happened is that she and the therapist might have able to form a connection where she was able to tell him what no one else had known or not been told, and I know when this does occur, as it did with me, is that a relationship feels as though it's been developed between the two of them.

Beyond Blue might have meant that a close bond between the therapist and the patient is essential so that the two of them could talk openly, just saying.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

So angry

Guest909 — Mon, 25 May 2020 22:42:45 GMT

Hi Purple4

This post raises a few obvious questions:

Is your daughter having a relationship with her therapist?
Is your daughter infatuated with her therapist?
Did your daughter call BB
Did the BB person tell your daughter that the relationship was OK?

Without any form of independent corroboration, no one will never know the answers to these questions. I'm not saying it didn't happen; but negative accusations against two professionals (BB and the therapist) seems unlikely.

At this point you only know what your daughter has told you; which may, or may not be the full truth.

If you want to help your daughter then calmer minds will be required.

So angry

Betternow — Mon, 25 May 2020 23:27:37 GMT

Mr Paul has almost word for word echoed my immediate reaction Purple.

In matters of mental health, emotions can gallop ahead of reality and I believe only until the facts as revealed by your daughter can be confirmed should anyone take action.

For what it’s worth, every interaction I have experienced with BB has met the highest quality of ethical standards you could hope to find.

In my experience it only takes a small exaggeration or a misplaced phrase or misconstrued meaning to completely alter a story.

I’m not suggesting your daughter is deliberately lying but only a calm and thorough investigation of her claims will provide the evidence that something is wrong or otherwise.

So angry

Purple4 — Tue, 26 May 2020 02:24:48 GMT

Please dont take my post as an attack on BB. I have simply posted for advice as I have no one to talk to. This is really upsetting

So angry

Quercus — Tue, 26 May 2020 02:35:41 GMT

Hi Purple4,

Your post gave me chills to read. This is not remotely ok.

I would think ethically if a therapist wanted a relationship with a patient outside of work they would be obliged to stop seeing the person professionally and refer them to someone else to treat.

Is your daughter still receiving therapy from this person? It may be worth asking her whether he has referred her elsewhere.

In your shoes if I discovered a therapist was pursuing a relationship at the same time as treatment I would make an appointment with my GP to find out what the rules are and what you can do to make a formal complaint.

I mention the GP rather than a lawyer because of my own experiences. When I started therapy and confided abuse to my psychiatrist he was concerned because the person had been studying psychology at the time. He was concerned enough to tell me he was going to check the registry to see if this person was a practicing psychologist (thank goodness he was not) and if so he would be obligated to report them.

Feel free to show your daughter my post by the way. If this man cares for her he should have already have referred her to another. If he hasn't please be cautious.

Nat

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Aaronsis — Tue, 26 May 2020 02:50:52 GMT

Hey Purple4

This is a safe place for you to talk and to get some support and what I can only imagine is a really distressing time for you. We are not here to judge you or to accuse either you or your daughter. There are no hard feelings here and we understand that as a mother you are trying to get to the bottom of this and are trying to do what is right for your daughter, also for you. It is wonderful you have reached out for some support here, this is a really difficult situation to be in.

Regardless of whether your daughter did or didn't call or is or is not in a relationship with this person, the fact of the matter is that she is clearly hurting and very distressed, that if there has been some sort of encounter between her and her therapist and in any capacity other than care this is inappropriate.

She may still be hurting from the breakup from her past relationship and is seeing his comfort as love, maybe she is so confused between his level of care for her that she is interpreting it as "interest in her".

Maybe a different approach and just let her talk, try not to "sort this out" for her, be there as her support and see if you can put the picture together without having to "fix it". I know that is hard as it is not right if there is something going on, however we don't know for sure.

There is also the fact she is 22 and she is an adult and is able to make choices too. Not that I am saying she can choose a relationship with her therapist I mean more of the fact of you as her mother trying to "fix this for her". I think at the moment a hug and a chat and just listening to her without poking and prodding and just letting her feel heard and supported might go a long way. You can also ask her how you can help her, what she needs at this time.

I think it is great that you have let her know you need support through this too.

We are here to talk this through with you Purple4, I am so sorry this is happening.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah

So angry

Sophie_M — Tue, 26 May 2020 05:33:43 GMT

Hi Purple4,

Echoing what the community has stated, we are glad you reached out here and let us know about what you are going through.

We are also extremely concerned about what you have written regarding your daughter's experience with the Support Service, it is highly unusual to hear feedback like this and it is something we take very seriously. We will email you privately for further information so we can look into it immediately.

Unfortunately we are unable to provide legal advice on the forums but would recommend that you visit the Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency website for information about how they may be able to help.

Please continue to reach out to us and let the community know how you’re feeling when you’re up to it.

So angry

Purple4 — Tue, 26 May 2020 06:29:13 GMT

Thankyou all for taking the time to reply. This situation has rocked me to the core and made me physically sick. I had to leave work today as I just wasn't functioning.

Insteed of replying to all posts I will try to cover everything here with the information I now have.

Firstly the call my daughter made to the help line. I asked her about this again today as I know she is protecting her therapist. I have no doubt that she would have received the correct info for the information she provided. It is pointless assuming what was said but I do know she was told it was not ethical, I didnt have that information last night.

The situation as it stands today is this. My daughter believes she loves this man who is in his early 40s. She tells me she knows it is not ethically right but she wants to continue to see this man. She has told me the therapy has stopped. I don't know this mans name or what type of therapist he is and that is probably a good thing. Im not sure i could trust myself with that info.

My daughter has read these posts and got very angry at me for what she says is over reacting. I live a good 5 hours drive away from her so communication has all been done by phone which is not ideal.

I reassured her that I have reached out here for unbiased help. I have reassured her that this forum is private and very safe. No one will know her name.

So where am I now? Well I am a little calmer but still angry with this man. I have told my daughter that I will never accept this man and I never want to meet him or know anything about him. I have told her that I love her unconditionally and will be here when she needs. She has told me that she knows this relationship wont go anywhere and she will be hurt. It seems she has all the info she needs and has made her decision. I can never support that decision. I have also told her that none of this is her fault. Her therapist has done the wrong thing regardless of her age. There is a line that should never be crossed. She believes that its ok because she is an adult but all I see is a professional man taking advantage of a vonhueable young woman.

It is so hard but I am thinking I have to just back off now. This just rips my heart out but what else can I do?

Thankyou all again for your words. I am so very greatful for this safe place xx

So angry

Purple4 — Tue, 26 May 2020 12:15:45 GMT

Hi Betternow and Mr Paul

Mr Paul when I saw your post this morning I was actually upset by it, then I read Betternows reply and understood yours better.

Last night my emotion was so raw as I believe I was in complete shock.

I do want to clarify one thing. My post here was never to blame this service for anything.

I needed to know that this situation was unacceptable. I needed my daughter to get the facts.

I honestly feel that she is a victim of this therapist regardless of her age. She has chosen to protect him which also angers me.

Intimacy took place during at least one session and he has seen her on other occassions. Since my daughter had just come out of a long term relationship I have no doubt she has confused her therapist care for her as love. This is where the therapist must be professional and stop. This man is double my daughters age.

This therapist disgusts me.

That is what i am angry about.

So angry

Guest909 — Tue, 26 May 2020 22:53:16 GMT

G'day Purple

You seem to have a lot going on in your life! From what I know; you have separated from your daughter's father; you are in the process of separating from you current partner; you are upset about an "alleged" relationship between your daughter and her therapist. Theses are not criticisms; they are not judgements; they are a simple summary of what you have said in this and other threads. Obviously you are upset, emotional and looking for answers; who wouldn't be.

As stated in my previous post, a calmer mind will be needed if you want to help your daughter; assuming that she wants or needs help. Your daughter is an adult; you cannot control her. All you can do is be there if she needs you.

In regard to the therapist; you still don't know the full story. All that you have is hearsay evidence from your daughter that may, or may not be the full truth. Either way, the therapist is not really the issue if you are concerned about your daughter's wellbeing.

In my experience, the blame game never ends well!

So angry

Purple4 — Wed, 27 May 2020 00:40:04 GMT

Hi Mr Paul

Im not sure why you felt the need to comment on my divorce that happened well over 10 years ago or my current relationship but yes my life can be hard and it is an isolated one. I do appreciate you making me look at things differently. It is so easy to get stuck in one mind set.

There is no alleged relationship. It is real. This I need to make perfectly clear. My daughter is not making this up.

I know my daughter is in a bad emotional way. What I dont understand is how you can say her therapist is not the issue? How can he not be?

So angry

Aaronsis — Wed, 27 May 2020 01:11:15 GMT

Good Morning Purple4

As another mother I can feel your pain at feeling helpless and devastated at not being able to help or to fix this situation for your child...I too have been in situations when I would shift mountains to see that my child is happy and when they are going through difficult times to take it all away for them, you would only be human in wanting to do that for your daughter too.

As I mentioned to you in my other post I think at this time if you can be there for her emotionally and get her strong then she might be able to view this situation with more clarity. You do not have a wand, you can not make her do or see things how others are or what we feel is best for her. She is an adult and part of the growing journey is life lessons and this is a whopper in which she is navigating her way through. I think just being there, to listen, to be a support, not to judge or to say "I told u so"..which is not easy I know...we do have the wisdom of age and life experience, unfortunately this is her experience to manage and to learn from. You just have to be there to support and to love her.

You did mention she said that "She has told me that she knows this relationship wont go anywhere and she will be hurt. It seems she has all the info she needs and has made her decision." So a small part of her does know what is to come. I feel so sorry that this person has taken advantage, that they have been intimate and on every platform what he has done is wrong, so are we wrong not to step in and "fix this"? a really tough question and I am not sure any of us have the answer to it.

The pain and frustration must be overwhelming for you Purple4, please keep talking and sharing here and also trying to do some things that make you feel good, you need to know you are doing your best and being the best mother to your daughter, that you are acting out of love and you cannot be at fault for that.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah

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Purple4 — Wed, 27 May 2020 01:31:20 GMT

Sarah thankyou so much. You are so right in everything you say.

I know I have to now do nothing but just be here for her. Talking to my ex husband helped me aswell. Knowing he didn't approve and he reminded me that this is my daughters decision helped me breathe some what.

There was so much miss information at the beginning that I was lead to assume everyone thought this was ok. After talking to my ex husband he filled me in in the facts that that wasn't so. I am relieved to know that others have expressed this to my daughter.

As I said earlier, she has all the tools she needs. I just have to stand back and be here for her.

I battle with the guilt of not 'fixing' this.

Thankyou for your reply. You have put my thoughts and feelings into words so well xx

So angry

Guest909 — Wed, 27 May 2020 01:45:13 GMT

G'day Purple

I was trying to make two points

When emotions are running at full gallop, rational thinking is impaired; I know; I've been there. Things are said and done that would not normally be said or done. You have a lot going on in your life. I can only surmise that emotions are running high all around you.
In reference to your daughter's therapist, you have no proof that anything has happened. But even if something did happen; will blaming someone else solve your daughter's problems. Will blaming someone else solve your mother-daughter problems; will blaming someone else solve your problems? I'm not talking about client-patient ethics; that is an issue for the lawyers to resolve if there was a breach.

As I said previously, the blame game never ends well. The issue is not your daughter's therapist, he is the symptom, not the cause of the problems you are having.

I am not a professional; many would disagree with what I've had to say. I am not trying to judge, criticise or excuse bad behaviour.

So angry

White_Rose — Wed, 27 May 2020 01:45:48 GMT

Hello Purple4

The therapist is completely in the wrong in this case. Please report him to the Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency. Also contact the Health Ombudsman in your capital city. I also suggest you contact the Australian Psychologists Association. Copy and paste this address into your browser. https://www.psychology.org.au/getmedia/d873e0db-7490-46de-bb57-c31bb1553025/APS-Code-of-Ethics.pdf This is the APS Code of Ethics which you can read.

Please contact at least one of these organisations immediately. No matter what your daughter thinks or wants, the psych is acting unprofessionally and taking advantage of a vulnerable girl. This is not on. Taking advantage of someone who needs help is considered a very serious breach of his role and one that could get him deregistered. That's how serious it is. Don't let your daughter say it was consenting. It should not have got to that stage no matter what.

I am angry because I was treated by a fake psychologist who ended up with criminal charges. That's the seriousness. Please act.

Mary