topic Not sure how to process my husband’s secret in Relationship and family issues

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

Nocturne92E — Wed, 16 Feb 2022 14:42:56 GMT

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 9 years. It was my birthday earlier this month and I was sneaky and snooped in his emails to see what I would be getting for my birthday. I found some emails of purchase confirmations for some foundation and makeup and was mildly surprised that he would want to get me that. Anyhow, I received no makeup for my birthday… and so tonight I decided to investigate further, and found multiple purchases that were being sent to a parcel locker. The only place where he knows I wouldnt usually get to was his car so while he was in the shower I checked and found some high heels hidden in his boot. My mind was just totally scattered… was he cheating? But then I went back and checked the shoeboxes and they were in his size… my mind is blown and I just can’t seem to gather my thoughts. Our marriage is fairly sexless and we’ve spoken on and off about seeing someone about this as I do feel like it is affecting me mentally (particularly as we keep saying we want to try for another child…). I don’t know what this means… is he gay? If I say something will it ruin our marriage? I was totally wrong to snoop but I’m also angry that he’s kept something from me… but I don’t know if I want to face whatever comes next if I confront him…but I don’t know how to move on as if I know nothing… and if I say nothing I’m worried I’ll eventually kill my love for him…. What do I do???

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

geoff — Wed, 16 Feb 2022 15:55:23 GMT

Hello Nocturne, thanks for posting your comment.

This would be a concern and definitely be a question you'd like an answer to, especially as your marriage is now sexless.

Some marriages can continue on when the spouse knows of this happening, but depends on each arrangement.

You have a good excuse if you want another baby, so you are entitled to bring this topic up for discussion and could start by saying you were cleaning out his cupboard because you thought you saw something moving around and found these high heels in his size, so is there anything you want to tell you.

With these high heels is there anywhere else he could be hiding any clothes, in his shed maybe or in a suitcase, but the more you are curious the more this will dominate your thinking.

Another option is to send something to his parcel locker saying that we need to have a talk because now, things are becoming very unusual and you would like to have some answers to what you see may be hapening.

If you don't confront him then eventually, more evidence may appear as well as his behaviour may change dramatically.

This isn't to stop you from loving him but understand that his direction has changed because of different circumstances.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

Juliet_84 — Wed, 16 Feb 2022 21:33:47 GMT

Hi Nocturne92E,

Firstly I’m so sorry, I understand how gut-wrenching it must have been to find those items. It must have felt like the carpet had been pulled out from under you and everything you thought to be turned on it’s head. I’m guessing that your fairly confident that the items belong to your husband and that his shoe size is a fair bit larger than a females? If you think you have sufficient evidence to confront him, then that is the way to go. But be prepared that he is probably going to try and deny it so I would make sure you have enough evidence that he cannot deny it/explain it away so that you can at least get to the bottom of what’s going on. You have to understand, there is going to obviously be a lot of shame on his part so he will find it very hard to confess. But just because he likes to cross-dress does not make him gay. It is just a fantasy/fetish like most others. It might be helpful to read up on it so you have more of an understanding of what he’s feeling. The sexless side of your marriage also needs addressing and a meeting with a couples counsellor is recommended to help you navigate all of these issues once you have spoken to your husband.

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

jtjt_4862 — Thu, 17 Feb 2022 00:24:22 GMT

Hi Nocturne92E

Sorry to hear you've had a hard time with your recent discoveries about your husband. It sounds like he may have an interest that he is shy to share to you about; afraid of what you will think of him and what will happen next as well. Perhaps by confronting him about the findings, it may help you both get a better understanding of each other, and come to a solution that will help alleviate stress from each other. When doing so, tread things with curiosity rather than being judgmental, as your aim is to understand why are those things in his possession, and that you're concerned about him and the sexless relationship that the two of you have been having.

I agree with Juliet_84, it is possible that he is into cross-dressing, but that doesn't mean he's gay. It is an interest/hobby that he has, and is probably ashamed/shy to tell you about. Only by confronting him, and seeking to understand him, will you know what your discovery is all about.

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

tranzcrybe — Thu, 17 Feb 2022 01:00:04 GMT

In the pursuit of seeking a preview to your birthday present, you stumbled upon an alter ego that, without passing judgement, is an interest your husband feels attracted to... and perhaps unsure/fearful of how this will affect your perception of conventionality, marriage, and the bond you have formed over the past 14 years. Some secrets are formed to protect rather than evade, and individual escapism also has its benefits in harmonious relationships.
Regardless, you are now in possession of privileged information (as it was not your aim to snoop beyond immediate needs).

The bigger issue is to what extent this characteristic manifests itself in the broader community - curiosity, tête-à-tête, affair, or simply another form of self expression - an outlet, if you will, no different to taking up painting, or drama classes. Being a cross dresser doesn't infer homosexuality.

Confrontation, with respect to previous posts, may not be your best approach as your husband is obviously not ready to come forward over this, but you would be wise to stay vigilant to behaviour/activity as you formulate the circumstances and, using your acquired knowledge, try not to see this as betrayal before ascertaining the facts.
If possible, and somewhat conversely, being empathetic and supportive of your husband during this time might promote more open discussions in due course (as opposed to sparking reactive and defensive conflict).

Once you remove any personal inference, you may even find this side to your husband could enhance your marriage - how do you feel about wearing men's clothes??

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

Juliet_84 — Thu, 17 Feb 2022 02:39:02 GMT

Tranzcrybe,

Firstly, I wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading your advice. But while I agree about your sentiments an open and accepting environment, don’t you think it’s necessary to sit down and discuss this with her husband? “Confront” was probably the wrong word to use on my part as it suggests some element of aggression, whereas this is a sensitive matter and should be discussed using a calm and empathetic approach. But I don’t know whether this is something that you could keep to yourself and wait for him to one day hopefully discuss it with you. I know that I would certainly have trouble acting as if nothing as happened and going about my day as usual, it would feel as though my life is a lie. And the reality is that her husband likely may never choose to bring this up with her because it’s not an easy thing to admit, even to yourself. Which then runs the risk that she does it during an argument or something which would be profoundly more damaging. My intention is not to critique your advice but for rather for us to have a healthy discussion about the relative merits of each approach.

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

Nocturne92E — Thu, 17 Feb 2022 06:06:03 GMT

Hi All,

Following my post last night, my husband could sense that something was off with me, and we once again (as this seems to happen in cycles) confronted the issue about our marriage missing the sexual intimacy. During this discussion (it was not a fight, but i did convey my frustration), I made it clear to him that he could tell me anything, and that the one thing that I hate most of all is to be lied to (he has hidden his on and off smoking habit in the past and when i've found out, I have always told him that i was more upset about him lying to my face than the act of smoking itself. His response has always been that he was afraid that he'd disappointed me). He expressed that he felt ashamed that he seemed to have a low libido, and i took that opportunity to try to delve deeper and show that i was open to anything he might be interested in relating to fetishes etc. I gave him many opportunities in as safe a space as possible to share this with me, but he didn't. We left the conversation with me feeling less upset because during this conversation, he assured me that he knows for sure that he was heterosexual, and that he wanted to work on our relationship because he didn't want to lose me. This morning though, I have woken up just very upset and confused again - I don't want to confront him because I understand that I was the one who breached his personal space and snooped on him. I understand that this would be very hard for him to not be able to share with anyone, and the last thing i want to do is make him feel worse.. .but at the same time, I just can't seem to regulate my emotions - i am just so so upset and I don't know why and I don't feel like i can talk to anyone i know because i know he wouldn't want anyone to know. I am so torn up inside and feel horrible

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

Croix — Thu, 17 Feb 2022 10:45:17 GMT

Dear Nocturne92E~

I'm not sure if I am on the right track or if this is simply an unworkable idea.

Some people have suggested you confront him about the possibility of wishing to dress as a female, and confrontation is a pretty negative and stressful way to go about things. As far as I can see it is the sort of situation that can encourage denials.

At the moment you are confused and miserable and strongly suspect your husband is not telling you the truth.

I would imagine he feels shame at his fantasy, and about lying to you.

Let's leave fertility, children and intimacy to one side for a moment. True, that needs to be sorted, but possibly things may make that easier in a while. Also leave to one side privacy matters and past possible untruths.

So instead of confrontation why not by him a gift that is consistent with his fantasy and see what happens? Yes, a difficult leap for you however it would show acceptance and a willingness to understand on your part and possibly make it easier for him to be straightforward.

Once the pair of you have the truth before you it may be easier to work out what to do next, ideally thinking it though together, maybe with a councilor who has the correct experience.

Do you think this is too silly for words?

Croix

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

Summer Rose — Thu, 17 Feb 2022 11:56:33 GMT

Hi Nocturne92E

I’m really sorry to learn of what you’re going through right now. I’ve been married over 30 years and know that if I was in your shoes I’d be quite rattled. I’d have a lot of questions.

I don’t think it’s going to be possible to continue the marriage in your usual way pretending that you don’t know. It will eat at you. And every day that passes where he isn’t honest and doesn’t confide in you will compound the hurt.

One way or another it’s bound to come out and I’d suggest some measure of control on your part over how this is managed is best.

But I think the way you approach it depends on how you really feel about his cross dressing. Croix’s idea of a gift is great if “acceptance” and “understanding” is how you really feel. But if you feel angry, confused, disappointed, shocked or the like it would be really hard to pull off. And however you feel it’s okay. We are here to support you, there is no judgment.

You will need to be in a strong frame of mind. Once you start this discussion there is no turning back. And you need to be prepared to listen even though you may not really want to hear.

When you are ready, you just sit down and talk. Quiet, comfortable space, alone with minimal distractions. Explain to him how you innocently stumbled across it. (I think it’s understandable and it’s not the real issue.) Then give him a chance to respond.

He may feel blindsided and may not initially react in a way you’d like. Let it go. Try again when you’re both ready.

Hugs and kind thoughts to you

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

geoff — Thu, 17 Feb 2022 19:13:04 GMT

Hello Nocturne, there has been much comment about cross dressing and as open as you may be, I wouldn't dress up as a female and be with my mates at the pub and I certainly wouldn't have sent anything to a parcel locker without my spouse from knowing.

I understand that cross dressing does happen in ads and in movies and there are famous films we all know where this happens, but if you keep lying to your spouse how can trust and respect be given now and in the future.

My best.

Geoff. x

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

tranzcrybe — Fri, 18 Feb 2022 03:38:46 GMT

Although not wanting to express your husband's penchant for make up and clothing as a mental health issue, it still contains behavioural aspects which could range anywhere from quirkiness to obsessive perversion. In this respect, it is important not to accuse or demand answers for lack of understanding.
Evasiveness can be driven by fear, shame, guilt, protectiveness, or even the thrill of taboo, rebellion, or simply escaping the stultifying monotony of everyday life.
It's tough for you as you juxtapose your own perceptions and feelings of deception/lack of trust against the frustrations of a marriage you truly desire to maintain and advance - but these are your own, and in some way explain why he has not broached the subject (in line with the smoking issue, it must have been disapproved of before he went behind your back). Remember, you inadvertently stumbled upon this information and it is natural to take umbrage upon first becoming aware - but you have gained wisdom which could account for, and ultimately resolve, marital issues that have been plaguing you for some time. I guess if you want 'evidence' to leave, then you have it; alternatively, you are now privy to the inner machinations of your husband's mind and can be the support he might need now or in the future.
Perhaps if others could broaden their minds to encapsulate the realms of mental health pertaining to behavioural convention, such assumptions of right or wrong can be summarily dismissed and replaced with supporting present needs beyond individual biases.

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

Guest_1643 — Fri, 18 Feb 2022 04:49:05 GMT

Hi nocturne,

Just my honest opinion,

U need to ask him, I think by hinting as u have done, what seems very open and obvious to you may just not feel that way to him, frankly it could have gone right over his head.

Who cares if u were snooping, OK it was not so nice that u didn't trust him, but u had Ur reasons, it's not like u were doing so for stalking or cruelty, I guess the snooping Re the birthday was maybe something u would feel u could have avoided but after what u found I doubt anyone would judge you for becoming more concerned.

To be honest, judt because the shoes were in his size does not mean he is cross dressing, or interested in dressing in women's clothes.

I would just admit to looking in his car, and ask why there are female clothing items there. Say u will handle the answer but it needs to be honest. There is no point going to therapy etc while keeping such things secret.

U both are keeping secrets, him having female items in his car, and u not showing that u know.

Someone needs to take a leap of honesty.

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

Banksy92 — Fri, 18 Feb 2022 05:29:40 GMT

Hi Nocturne92E,

First I want to say the way you handled the first conversation was really mature and I commend you. I think you took a really good angle in touching on honesty and even hinting at fetishes etc. This plants the seed and allows them to see you aren't judging them.

Is it possible to just ask about one part of what you've found and confess to looking in his car? Perhaps not revealing you've looked through his email inbox to reduce the feeling of invaded privacy...

And just approach them to ask why they had high heels in their car? Without any accusation or ideas behind it, just gentle curiosity.

There are so many possibilities, they are questioning their gender identity, for example. Which can be a really deep and personal experience to come to terms with.

I think a soft, open and loving approach will always yield honesty because you are creating a safe space for them to talk. It can take longer, but some gentle prodding may get you there.

Let us know how you are going, we are here for you.

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

Hanna3 — Fri, 18 Feb 2022 06:04:05 GMT

Hi Nocturne,

Others have made good suggestions here, I just wonder if there were some problems with your relationship before you discovered the shoes? Would you say there were? In which case, if you agree, would the two of you think of going to a marriage counsellor?

I have heard of couples in this situation that you find yourselves in, reaching a compromise, where for example, he only dresses in women's clothing when you are not around, if it disturbs you. He may just want to know what it feels like to be a woman, or expressing the feminine side of himself.

Do you think you would be able to agree to some counselling? Is he a good partner to you in other ways, ie. is he kind, supportive? Do you think you would be able to accept this part of him? It sounds as if you were already a bit mistrustful, looking for what he would give you for your birthday, and the intimacy lacking in your relationship... what are your thoughts about this?

I think we are not here to find solutions for you, but to try to help you work out yourself what solutions might be do-able for you, and for your partner.

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

smallwolf — Sat, 19 Feb 2022 10:48:56 GMT

I have read a lot of different answers or suggestions or whatever to your posts. I hope my reply does not add to any confusion.

And I will reply by analogy...

There are some topics that I find hard to talk about with my psychologist. There was many a time I would not venture there for the thought of feeling like a failure and what it says about me. Eventually we did talk. It was difficult.

Perhaps your husband is not ready to talk about this yet?

And then the not knowing what is going on is hard for you as well? To that end there is no easy answer.

Also you both were able to hopefully have an honest conversation and it sounds as though some questions were answered but not the one really wanted to know.

Perhaps if I were allowed to ask you...

What do you want?

Not sure how to process my husband’s secret

Ric65 — Sat, 19 Feb 2022 12:31:02 GMT

Hi Nocturne,

Thank you posting. The others have made some good suggestions here. You spoke about sexless, but more important than that is love. Would you say that they were some problems that led up to this? Would you say it is time to do some soul searching and see what you want. You can either sit down and speak with your husband about this or you can keep the secret and pretend that you never found out. I sat with my wife and spoke with her about a secret affair that she got into and I found out about it. We came to an agreement that we both could not promise to say that this never happened so we our separate ways amicably after 18 years of marriage and both of us are in a better space now.

It is totally up to you how you would like to handle this. Its time to think and figure out will you be able to forget this secret? Will you be able to forgive and move on in your marriage? What is better for you as an individual?

Getting professional help is a good way to start. It does help a lot. Also we from BB are here to support you always.

Ric65