topic Can’t take anymore in Relationship and family issues

Can’t take anymore

Stacy_1113 — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 03:10:33 GMT

I have been with my husband for around 7 years. We have a 4 year old daughter and I’m currently 6 weeks pregnant.

daily he makes me cry. He hates my mum and is always telling me things to turn me against her. He doesn’t like her seeing me or my daughter when she travels to Sydney (she lives in another state). He is constantly calling me through the day to check up on me and if I do not answer the phone I’m scared of the outcome. He questions me about absolutely everything and always tells me what I can and can’t do.

when I’ve had enough and start to cry he screams at me that I’m a baby and I’m pathetic. When I’m quiet and don’t want to talk because I’m scared to talk as everything I say is wrong he gets angry. He always says I have issues and things I’d i fight back when he is nasty. He manipulated me constantly.

i find the only way to cope is to agree with every single thing he wants. But I’m getting fed up of living like this. I am so alone due to corona virus I lost my part time job and I’m just at home. I was very close to my grandmother but she recently passed away so now I have no one to talk to.

he caused so many problems for me when my grandmother was sick and even after she passed. He is not supportive in any way at all. He didn’t want my mum around when her mother my grandmother was dying.

he is very over weight and blames me for this because he says I don’t pack his lunch or wake up and make him breakfast. I am not overweight but now that I am pregnant he keeps making comments that I am.

i really hate being in this situation and actually hate it when he comes home each day. I would love to just have some time alone away with my daughter but he scares me so much. I don’t think I could leave him. He has punched holes in walls and broken a lot of things in the home and I get very scared he is going to hurt me.

Can’t take anymore

Deckt — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 03:48:00 GMT

Hi Stacy,

I'm sorry to be blunt. But that is abuse, plain and simple. You do NOT deserve that. Is there anywhere that you can go?

If you can get some time to yourself, where you can use your phone without being overheard, please call 1800 RESPECT. It's a helpline for people in your situation. You can talk to a real person, who will listen without judging, and maybe provide some advice.

In the meantime, I'm happy to provide what anonymous support I can. Please keep checking in.

Hugs, Dt

Can’t take anymore

Ggrand — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 04:48:17 GMT

Hello Stacy..

Welcome to the forums..

Im deeply sorry that this has been happening to you..

I lived 38 years in a marriage to a man, who sounds like your husband...I was scared daily, for my children and myself..but I was trapped with no one or no where to go...so I continued to live that way....because I didn’t have the courage to leave him...

Abuse is wrong..and he is doing that to you...It’s unacceptable....and they don’t change..I tried for a long time to change him..but he continued to get more and more controlling and demanding, especially after our children were born..because he no longer was the centre of attention..and he hated his own children because of that..

My sons who have families of their own now...and I are still struggling, even though he passed from cancer 6.5 yrs ago..the damage he has done to our souls in hard to repair...

I’m not saying you should leave him..because it’s not my right to say....

Are you still on talking terms with your mother..if so sweety, please if you can confide in her what’s happening to you...and as Deckt said if you ring 1800 RESPECT..They might be able to help you...

I understand the hating when he comes home..it was for me fear..of what mood he was in..or if dinner was up to his expectations, or the house not clean enough..or if I didn’t look happy to see him, make a big fuss that he was home....Praying that the kids would be quiet..I was constantly on egg shells and afraid when he was home...

The most important thing is to please keep yourself safe and healthy....I’m sorry if I came on too heavy... I get so upset about women being treated so badly by their partners and husbands..they are the ones who should love and care for them..

Please take good care of you lovely Stacy...

Sending my care, love and hugs to you..🦋💜🤗.

Grandy..

Can’t take anymore

Helen72 — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 05:19:10 GMT

Dear Stacy,

What a terrifying, scary situation you are in! OMG that is abuse. And it's not going to get better.

Ring your Mum. Ring 1800 RESPECT. Protect yourself and your children.

Do you have anyone who could help in Sydney? Or further away?

My ex kept abusing me and it was a long road to get away but I did and it's so worth it. You've started this journey - please keep going

Helen

Can’t take anymore

Guest909 — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 06:56:18 GMT

Hi Stacy

Your husband's behavior is not normal; in fact, it sounds downright abusive and probably won't change. Have you considered moving back with your mother for a while or longer.

If you do decide to move, now would be the time, it will be much harder as your pregnancy progresses.

You need to do what is best for you and your children.

Paul

Can’t take anymore

Sophie_M — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 08:02:13 GMT

Hi Stacy 1113,

Welcome to our online community, you've done the right thing in reaching out today. We're glad to see that you've gotten some helpful responses from so many of our community members. We can understand that you hate being in this situation. Some of the behaviour you have described falls into the category of abuse, and we are concerned for your wellbeing in this relationship.

Being afraid of your partner is a red flag. We would strongly urge that you get in touch with the warm and kind counsellors at 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 on 1800 737 732 or you can find out more at https://www.1800respect.org.au/

If at any time you feel that you are in danger, please contact 000 (triple zero) immediately. Please never feel that this is not an appropriate action - if you feel that you are in danger, this is an emergency.

As this situation has been aggravated by the Coronavirus isolation, please feel free to get in contact with the Beyond Blue Coronavirus Support Service - 1800 512 348 They operate 24/7 and they can offer you some support as well as referrals for different services you may be able to get different kinds of support from - we can hear that you're going through a lot at the moment with having lost your part time job. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone, there is always support available to you in whatever you would like to do in this situation.

Please feel free to keep us updated here on the forums whenever you feel up to it. We're all here to support you.

Can’t take anymore

Stacy_1113 — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 22:34:37 GMT

Yes it’s the same with me when he comes home. I have to make sure I seem very happy to see him and make a fuss and make sure I am in a ‘good mood’ to his standards otherwise he starts at me. I’m never afraid of him with our daughter as he does love her.

Can’t take anymore

Stacy_1113 — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 22:45:33 GMT

I am still in contact with my mum but I find sometimes he checks my phone and messages between her and I or my phone log. I try to keep it with me all the time. I am also very embarrassed to tell her what is happening as I feel so ashamed to be in this situation.

i have called his mum and tried to get her to talk to him but she also seems frightened of him so doesn’t want to be involved.

i will admit that I do fight back some times but when I do he makes out that I am crazy and I’ve caused everything. I feel so exhausted and trapped and just want to be a good mum to my daughter and take care of myself whilst pregnant but finding it very difficult when he keeps causing fights and calling me names each day. I am scared to leave as I don’t have anywhere to go in Sydney and I have no money.

Can’t take anymore

Guest909 — Wed, 29 Apr 2020 00:00:12 GMT

Hi Stacy

If you have a smart phone, you can set up a "screen lock" that requires a 4-digit pin or a finger print to unlock the phone. It's a good way to keep prying eyes out of your phone. On the negative side, a screen lock may spark another argument if your husband thinks he is entitled to invade your privacy.

Just a practical tip that may, or may not be helpful.

Can’t take anymore

Stacy_1113 — Wed, 29 Apr 2020 00:44:21 GMT

The screen lock has caused another argument. As he says if I have nothing to hide why shouldn’t he be aloud to look! He also accuses me of cheating which I never have done anything of the sort.

Can’t take anymore

Guest909 — Wed, 29 Apr 2020 01:35:06 GMT

Hi Stacy

I thought that might be the case! The only other practical suggestion that I can think of is to clear the phone "call log" after you use it; but that might cause similar problems.

In regard to the "cheating" accusation, I would suggest your husband is trying to "project" his bad behaviour onto you, knowing full well that you are not cheating. My wife did the same thing to me. She kept telling me that I was paranode because I thought she was having an affair - the reality was an affair never once crossed my mind. Later on, I realised that the paranoia accusation was my wife's twisted way of controlling me.

From what little psychology I know, the practice is called "projection"; look it up if you get the chance.

Can’t take anymore

Helen72 — Wed, 29 Apr 2020 23:47:31 GMT

Hi Stacy,

This seems like a pattern and I don't think you can break it by yourself. Are you talking to someone who's trying to help?

Helen

Can’t take anymore

Deckt — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 04:40:45 GMT

Hi Stacy 1113,

I've heard that before from my abusive ex... if you have done nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide. The point is though, that you ARE doing nothing wrong, just because he feels that it is. Talking to your mum is not wrong. Talking to a counsellor or helpline is not wrong.

He is telling you that it is wrong because that is a form of coercive control. Abusers are not dumb - they are aware that if the person that they are abusing talk to other people about what's going on, they will lose control. And abuse is ALL about control.

Please keep checking in, and make some calls when you can. Do you know how to delete messages and calls from your phone's history? On Android (at least, I don't really know about iPhones) if you long-press a message or call in call history, it should come up with an option to delete that from your phone's memory. Also, using private/secret/incognito mode when using the internet means that webpages and searches do not appear in your history.

Please let me know if I can provide any other "techie" suggestions - I studied IT security at uni, and know a few tricks to maintain your privacy.

Deckt.

Can’t take anymore

loouuiiee — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 07:11:02 GMT

Hi Stacey

I was in the exact same situation with my ex (except we did not have any children).
I was terrified of him and had no one else and nowhere to go. I felt trapped in the situation but I made a plan and I eventually worked up the courage to get myself out.
if he controls and manipulates you to the point of you being fearful that is a bad environment to be raising children in.
If I was you I would go to your mums for the short term and seek help from support services in regards to custody of your daughter and getting protection for yourself put in place.