topic Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not! in Relationship and family issues

Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not!

moocow_1 — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 12:35:42 GMT

This is my first time posting. My partner of 6 years has anxiety and depression. It hasn't occurred in our relationship to such a full on extent as it has in the past 12 months. He blames me solely for it. He tends to over think everything and read into things that are not there. In February he invited a mutual friend over (who is the partner of one of our friends) and accused me of cheating with him. The friend denied it because it is not true. We have never done anything at all. I have never done anything with anyone since being with my partner. My partner is convinced that he noticed "patterns" showing up on social media and believes that me and the accused friend were chatting on line and that we would both get on and off social media within seconds of each other no matter what time of the day or night. I can't explain these "patterns" but what I do know for certain is that nothing has ever happened between us. Our friendship is totally ruined with this couple over this. I am mortified. I have deleted all my social media for my partner to help ease his anxiety. Just last weekend he now believes I am "up to something" again. We went to a child's birthday party and I went outside the venue to stand in the sun as it was freezing inside, I stood at the side left tyre of my partners car and had the sun shining on my face, I stood there for about 10 minutes, My partner is adamant that he came and looked for me 3 times and I wasn't where I said I was. He believes I am lying to him. He said he can't prove anything but that he's "not a fool". I am trying so hard to be understanding as I was the first time he accused me. I am walking on egg shells all the time and feel like I am being interrogated every time I say anything. I don't know what to do? How to respond to him? Whether to defend myself or simply let him believe what he believes? He believes he's never wrong. I am mentally exhausted. I have lost weight from all this before and am not a big woman to start off. I feel that this is so unfair and that he is using me as his personal emotional punching bag and that it's my fault because I allowed him to do this to me. He makes me feel guilty all the time and I've done nothing wrong. I need advice please.

Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not!

geoff — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 19:46:02 GMT

Hello Moocow, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I understand the predicament you are in and feel very sorry that your trust has been broken and no matter what answers or reassurances you say back to him may not suffice and whether his anxiety and depression is a cause of this, although I'm not qualified to say, but have seen this happen before.

This isn't any fault of your's but something your partner needs help with and realise that all of us are allowed to communicate with other people and perhaps joint counselling would be appropriate.

One person I know didn't understand that it was him that needed the help and not his spouse/partner and unfortunately he didn't get the assistance.

What I'm worried about is how you will cope with this, you've posted this comment and hope you can print it out when you are able to see your doctor.

Can I leave it there and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not!

moocow_1 — Thu, 29 Aug 2019 12:54:10 GMT

Thanks Geoff.

We have been to couples counselling and I found it very helpful. My partner did not. I believe that it is because the counsellor wasn't agreeing with what my partner was expressing but was challenging him and he didn't like that. He stormed out of one of our sessions. On the way home in the car we had a screaming match and he made me pull over where he got out of the car and started to walk. He ended up getting back in the car. My partner is very much a narcissist and almost has a presentation of seeing himself as being almost grandiose.

We had a couple of individual counselling sessions. I found mine very helpful. My partner didn't believe that the counsellor did anything to help. I disagree.

I get so riddled with an anxious feeling in my stomach when he carries on like he is currently. I feel like if I try to defend myself against these latest accusations that I am looking guilty but then if I don't defend myself I also look guilty. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not!

geoff — Thu, 29 Aug 2019 17:35:47 GMT

Hello Moocow, thanks for getting back to us.

I'm sorry of what's happened in the joint counselling and for him deciding that seeing the counsellor was no help at all, simply because it can still be harmful and damaging in your relationship.

If he thinks above you then a problem will be maintained, especially when he isn't prepared to listen to logic and only believes what he thinks is right, but this becomes annoying and makes the situation tiring, so you need to look after yourself and continue with your counselling.

Have you thought of having a break from each other?

Take care.

Geoff.

Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not!

quirkywords — Thu, 29 Aug 2019 22:28:46 GMT

Moocow

I have just read your thread and understand you are coping with a difficukr situation.

I am glad that Geoff offered youbsupportive suggestions.

I am glad you are seeing a counsellor and hope you can keep seeing a counsellor individually.

It feels so unfair to be accused of cheating when you have done nothing and so frustrating when you try to defend yourself.

The trouble is you are always having to,prove your innocence and constantly justify yourself.

I understand he has anxiety and depression and now his behaviour is affecting you and making you anxious as you never know when he will accuse you next.

it is important that you look after yourself .

I wonder like Geoff mentioned if you have thought of having time away from each other and if that would be possible.

Quirky

Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not!

moocow_1 — Fri, 30 Aug 2019 02:01:02 GMT

We actually have time apart all the time as my partner works away from home. He leaves home Monday lunch time and comes back home early Friday morning. So we do get a break. However due to him being away, I believe he has too much time to be able to think and dwell on things or look into anything and everything.

I have 2 children from a previous relationship (9 and 13), we just bought a house together last year in September so not really able to have the time apart option.

I haven't been to counselling for a couple of months but perhaps you and Geoff are right and I should continue with it.

Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not!

geoff — Fri, 30 Aug 2019 02:38:50 GMT

Hi Moocow, Quirky and I really appreciate hearing back from you, so thank you, it's good to know a little bit more about your situation and if possible can I reply back to you tomorrow as I start very early in the morning.

I hope others will reply back to you today.

Take care.

Geoff.

Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not!

moocow_1 — Fri, 30 Aug 2019 13:51:00 GMT

A reply tomorrow would be greatly appreciated.

Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not!

geoff — Fri, 30 Aug 2019 16:46:58 GMT

Hi Moocow, for your partner to leave you on Monday is going to make him think of what may be happening, but his imagination is going to cause negative thoughts so he has to try and turn these around and think of what you both have achieved together, you've bought a house together, a huge commitment and that's what he has to think of, alterations, painting etc.

To dwell is to think at great length and once he has a thought, he 'runs' with it, he has to focus on your future together, believe in the support your 2 children will be needing.

A bad obsession thinking of what may happen will only lead to negative thoughts, behaviour that hasn't occurred, ask him to change his mind and for him to recognise those bad thoughts will only increase his anxiety and depression.

Tell us about your house if you want to and what you have planned on doing.

Take care.

Geoff.

Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not!

Is_it_Possible — Fri, 30 Aug 2019 21:14:55 GMT

Sorry to interrupt your post

I have only just joined and having difficulty finding how to post my own question

may someone help please

Partner has anxiety and depression and keeps thinking I'm cheating: I'm not!

geoff — Fri, 30 Aug 2019 21:44:14 GMT

Hello Is it possible, and a warm welcome to the forums.

Sometimes it can be difficult for newcomers to post their own thread but please don't worry, here is what you do.

If you press on 'All Posts', which is above, then different sections will appear such as Welcome, Anxiety, Depression and so on, press on the section you want, then a tab will appear 'New Thread', press on that and away you go, hope that helps you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.