topic Why is No such an hard word to say in Relationship and family issues

Why is No such an hard word to say

Matchy69 — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 21:01:22 GMT

I have all my life struggled to say the word no to people and if i do i feel so bad and hate my self for saying no.

I find it so hard to say no to my ex like her asking me to have the kids when she is supose to have them and just say yes even though i had plans or an appointment and just change them or cancel them.

It is really hard to say no to the kids i give them everything they ask for.I feel like a bad parent at times but feel worst if I do say no as my son starts crying and it breaks my heart and makes me feel so bad.

Why is this one little word so hard to say?

Why is No such an hard word to say

Deckt — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 21:19:59 GMT

I think that it depends on how you say it. For example, if your ex asks you to have the kids and you have plans...

I'm sorry, but I have plans at that time. I'm more than happy to work with you, but I think it's fair that you give me a reasonable amount of notice.

For the kids, depending on age, this can be more difficult. I'm guessing from context that they are young? You can still talk to them using adult language. It's the only way they will learn. For example, I don't have a problem saying to my sons that I'm short of money if they want something I can't afford. Not only does this teach them delayed gratification, but that money has to be earned, and spent on boring things like rent and electricity.

Hope this helps.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Matchy69 — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 21:34:49 GMT

Thanks Deckt for your reply and thoughts.

My kids are special needs kids with a big age difference between them my son is 7 y.o and my daughter is 16y.o.I know i should be saying no to them and trying to make them to do more things for themselves especially my daughter.It's like a miracle i had kids so i want to spoil them and make them have a happier life then mine.

I have started giving my ex notice about appointments i have but really didnt want to tell her about my medical appointments and that and she puts those appointments on her calender.Their is still times where i am given little notice but the kids only have two parents and one of us has to be close and on call at all times with the school.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Deckt — Fri, 07 Feb 2020 00:05:55 GMT

I totally get that. My oldest has autism, and I'm generally the one on call for school.

I'd agree that your medical appointments are none of your ex's business. You don't need to go into details; just 'I'm not available then".

Why is No such an hard word to say

Matchy69 — Fri, 07 Feb 2020 00:26:42 GMT

Hi Deckt,yes my son has Autism and ADHD and had to pick him many times.My daughter Aspergers and selective mutism and anxiety,panic attacks.

I just seems to make my life easier if i tell my ex things.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Matchy69 — Fri, 07 Feb 2020 11:00:52 GMT

I did have a discussion about this subject with my psychologist a few years ago but it must have not helped as i seem to be just as bad.

I hope I am not failing my kids.I always put them first and their needs.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Katyonthehamsterwheel — Fri, 07 Feb 2020 11:13:16 GMT

Go easy on yourself, it's hard being a parent, and more so to children with special needs. I don't think any of us are confident we're "getting it right".

As for the word 'no' I think we feel a bit selfish if we're not in the habit of asserting our own needs. Maybe with practice it will get easier?

Take care mate x

Why is No such an hard word to say

Juliet_84 — Fri, 07 Feb 2020 12:57:59 GMT

I’ve always struggled so say no too, but about a year ago I made a conscious effort to do it more. The way I have found helpful is to deflect a request with a question. If she asks can you mind them say, “how come” put her on the spot and make her explain rather than you having to defend yourself. After awhile, you’ll get into the swing of it.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Matchy69 — Fri, 07 Feb 2020 20:20:37 GMT

Thanks Katy and Juiet for your advice its something that has been worrying me.I just want to be the best father possible.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Juliet_84 — Sat, 08 Feb 2020 13:24:13 GMT

Hi Matchy,

I know, and unfortunately people can try and exploit your willingness to want to do the right thing to their advantage. Just be aware of it and if you don’t want to do something or it doesn’t sit right with you, you don’t have to do it and you don’t have to explain to people. Even just an “no, I can’t today” can be surprisingly effective, and resist the urge to provide a reason why, it’s none of anyone’s business.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Matchy69 — Sat, 08 Feb 2020 21:02:20 GMT

Thanks Juliet for your reply.Its nice having someone to talk to about it.It probably looks like a silly problem to have.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Juliet_84 — Sun, 09 Feb 2020 13:25:15 GMT

Hi matchy,

Not at all, it can be an incredibly difficult thing for a lot of people to establish healthy boundaries. And others just go their entire lives doing things for other people and before they know it they’ve never done anything for themselves. There is nothing wrong with doing things for other people, but it should be because you want to not because you are made to do them. Good luck xx

Why is No such an hard word to say

Matchy69 — Mon, 10 Feb 2020 02:21:30 GMT

Hi Juliet,i love helping people and allways have and dont mind that.My biggest problem is my ex wife who dosnt seem to give me any notice for things.I say yes and have to cancel appointments or not do what i planned to do.It just makes my life easier to say yes as she can make my life miserable and hard to say no when its for the kids.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Juliet_84 — Mon, 10 Feb 2020 12:51:41 GMT

Is it possible to say to her, “I don’t mind helping you out but this last minute thing is really messing with my appointments etc. can we make a rule that I have at least 48 hours notice if I’m going to take them?” I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I understand that last minute things come up but that should be the exception not to rule.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Matchy69 — Mon, 10 Feb 2020 22:15:23 GMT

I have been giving her dates for my appointments so she can put them down on her calender but then she ask a million questions that i rather not tell her and not telling her sounds easier then it is and my ex has bipolar and anxiety and things.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Deckt — Tue, 11 Feb 2020 07:20:58 GMT

Grey rock is a strategy for dealing with narcissists, but it may work with dealing with your ex? It sounds like she likes drama, and might be a bit manipulative? It just involves giving her as little information and as dispassionately as possible.

"I have plans that day".

Her - "What plans?"

"Just plans"

Her - "Is everything all right?"

"Fine, thanks".

And so on. If you google grey rock narcissist, it might give you some ideas.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Matchy69 — Tue, 11 Feb 2020 07:46:45 GMT

Thanks Dekt for the advice i will google it.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Matchy69 — Tue, 11 Feb 2020 21:01:34 GMT

I said no to someone because i had plans and now feel bad and dont want to do what i planned.

Why is No such an hard word to say

Matchy69 — Thu, 13 Feb 2020 08:16:31 GMT

Maby it is better to say yes as it is better for me in the long run?

Why is No such an hard word to say

Deckt — Thu, 13 Feb 2020 08:18:41 GMT

Hey mate,

Sorry that I haven't responded in a while. Been a bit caught up in my own dramas.

What's the situation? Sometimes yes is just fine.