topic New to BB in Relationship and family issues

New to BB

Gpop — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 12:27:34 GMT

Hi everyone my name is Al,

I am new to this and not too sure where to begin or to express what I am feeling atm. So do I just poor everything out on this forum, as to what has transpired over the last 14 months since finishing my FIFO job. I can’t keep everything bottled up anymore, need to let it out, I am afraid my mental state is not where it should be. Help

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Croix — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 13:17:30 GMT

Dear Al~

Welcome to the Forum, and to answer your question you might like to give people here an idea of what has been happening to you and how you feel. It does not all have to have every detail in one post, it is in fact often better to give an overall idea, then talk to people back and forth.

A FIFO job is itself a very stressful way to live, and if you happen to have a family can create all sorts of strains on top.

If you have been in the horrible situation over the last 14 months of being unemployed (I'm guessing here) then that too makes for a most miserable life.

I'd suggest making your own thread where people can see from the title what it is about. If you are unsure how to do that then have a look at:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/welcome-and-orientation/the-forum-faq-thread-

(copy and paste the link into your browser)

We'll be looking out for your post

Croix

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geoff — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 14:27:41 GMT

Hello Gpop, it's great for you to join the forum and it can be a bit undaunting to begin with because you're not quite sure on what to say.

Some people just open up straight away, while others are more reluctant, but you've come to the site, that's the important part, so how about just telling us a little about the FIFO and the struggles you 've had to try and cope with.

You're talking to people who have had to go through their own type of depression, so I hope you feel at home here.

Geoff.

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Gpop — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 10:17:36 GMT

Hi Geoff, thanks for that, I know there are a lot of people in my situation that have done fifo, I was also one of the team that used to support this on Barrow and have guided people to seek help myself but I didn’t think that I would have succumbed to the same fate, bugger. Fifo life was stressful I agree but everything came to a head on the home front when I ceased that role, now I was home all the time and invading the SO’s space, who is a control nut at the best of times. Will post his one and continue later on. Regards GPop

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Croix — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 12:21:52 GMT

Dear GPop~

Coming back home after a job that keeps you away so much brings all sorts of difficulties, some financial I guess and some about boundaries. I guess in some ways it is a similar situation to when one partner retires and then both are together.

You said your mental state is not where it should be, I'd therefor ask if oyu have been to oyur GP and seen if you have an illness such as depression or anxiety? Frankly I did not realize I did. And hte subsequent denials and delay made things a lot harder to treat. Nothing lost either way.

Living together in such a change of lifestyle is not something that can be worked out in five minutes, but if both persons want it to work it will. Honest - but kind - talk is necessary, with both saying what worries them and what they'd like.

It can be a time to identify things the two of you enjoy doing together, and the opposite too, the space each of you needs, and how to gt it.

A renegotiation of household duties too I guess.

I'm talking from my own experience, which was not the straightforward as I'd been invalided out of my occupation and was not in good shape. However all the above eventually came about, to both our benefits.

Now, having said what I think is the ideal, perhaps you would like to say what is actually happening and if any of the above can actually take place or is unrealistic in the circumstances?

Croix

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blondguy — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 12:40:35 GMT

Hello Gpop

Thankyou for posting with us! A FIFO position is a tough career to be in.

Croix (above) posted about the value of seeing a GP and the benefits. The GP's have better training now compared to even a few years ago where our mental exhaustion is concerned. Its only my humble opinion through my own anxiety experience that you may leave your GP feeling a lot better than when you walked in

Just a polite note if thats okay....making a double appointment is always a great idea as you will have the time to relate how you really feel to your GP....and thus you will find some of the peace of mind you really need

There is no judgement on the forums Gpop. We are here to provide the best support possible for you through our own life experience. There is no such question as a dumb one on the forums....You are more than welcome to ask what is on your mind.

my kind thoughts

Paul

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Gpop — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 19:34:50 GMT

Good morning, Geoff, Croix and Blondguy,

Thank you all for you comments. Fifo work was a tough gig, but on the flip side I was only home for short period then back into it, which suited us both I feel, but I dare say the situation that I find myself in started roughly fie years ago hen we had a new addition to the family (a Great Dane pup, all legs etc and huge), I had no say in it when we got the pup and strongly disagreed in having it but it stayed and guess here it sleeps, with the SO, so the is no room in the bed for mwah, but as I stated earlier Fifo work had it plus sides, but I put up with it, then the work stopped. It all came to a head on Australia Day this year, when we were at her sons place, we all had a skinful but later in the evening (after watching he fireworks display) and sitting at the table (eyes closed) my partner hurt me, well I retaliated and things have not been right ever since that event. A week after that the SO asked me to leave the house (which I did) only stayed away for about 10 days. We tried to work through it, tried to share the main bed with the 2 dogs and the SO, no go, it lasted about a month. The crunch came about 6 months ago when we head guests over for dinner (mainly, her son and daughter), well again things got heated between the SO and the daughter, couldn’t put up with it anymore and asked the daughter to leave, the SO wanted to spray a few more word at the daughter, i told he to back off. There are other small events that have continued to happen (mainly unkind remarks etc, from both parties), one comment being that she doesn’t trust me anymore ?? Had enough, Just about ready to leave and leave her to it (which I think that is what she wants to happen anyway) I just want to be happy and retire in peace without all this negativity and start to live a little instead of being controlled. Thank you all for taking the time to read my brief rant but needed to tell someone. And yes I will be going to see my GP to see if they can help. Kind regards Gpop

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Croix — Sun, 23 Dec 2018 12:53:47 GMT

Dear Gpop~

It sounds a most unpleasant mess, and I guess the incident of the dog may typify your partner's attitude, which did not seem to induce you. I notice when you said the two of you were trying to patch things up the dogs were still on the bed, not the most accommodating move. Being a control freak can easily lead into being the originator of an abusive relationship.

A 'rant' is rather an unkind way to describe your posts, you are simply setting out the circumstances. Trying to deal with things in isolation is hard. Are there any family or friends to give you support?

I'm glad you are seeing oyur GP, at times like you are going though it is very easy to get discouraged. A desire for a peaceful life where both parties wishes are taken into account is very natural.

Do you have any thoughts about what you want to do next?

Croix

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Gpop — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:39:21 GMT

Good morning Croix,

thank you for your post, most helpful. Over the last 12 months I have spoken to my children and my siblings about my situation and they have said cut your losses and start to enjoy my life and have some me time. I want to but I am finding it difficult to take that next step. I know if we ( my partner and I) have a discussion about me leaving the whole situation would turn heated and I would rather that not happen, so I just don’t want to say anything but I know in my heart I need to leave to rejuvenate my batteries and my happiness. Thanks for listening,

regards

Gpop

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Croix — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 21:42:20 GMT

Dear Gpop~

I'm very glad you have supportive children and siblings, not only does it lead to practical help but also would tend to confirm your own view of matters -sometimes that's not so easy in isolation.

Have you considered a trial, to see if by living away contact becomes more affectionate and considerate? I only mention this as for some people it takes a pretty big shock to get them to really understand the consequences of their behavior? On the other hand an all or nothing approach might be the right one, again you are the best judge.

I'd imagine you are quite correct in thinking that discussing leaving, or the possibility of doing, so with someone who is so controlling would be an unhappy event. Not only is it a strong criticism of the way your partner behaves but there may even be strong grief and loss too, maybe even guilt - I don't know.

No doubt whatever you do you will have to let your partner know what you are doing, and I'm sure it's something you have been thinking about. Is it worth considering having some else around at the time?

Croix

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Gpop — Fri, 28 Dec 2018 11:59:27 GMT

Good evening group,

well I just had an interesting discussion with the SO, I mentioned to the SO’s about her 40 odd year old son if he took the dinghy off his vehicle, the so said he would have so I mentioned that he wasn’t always in a hurry to do stuff, so the so retaliated and said that I should watch what I was saying, I asked what did she mean and she said that was the pot calling the kettle black, what? I have earns my retirement. Then I said this isn’t working is it, she said what and I said etween us, she replied probably not, not much wS said after that I have left her to contemplate what has been said and see what the conversation is like tomorrow.

Regards

Gpop

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blondguy — Mon, 31 Dec 2018 18:13:53 GMT

Good morning Gpop

Just wishing you a Happy New Year and all the possible best for 2019

Thankyou for being a part of the Beyond Blue forums too!

My kind thoughts

Paul

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Gpop — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 00:51:57 GMT

Thanks for that Paul, Happy New Year to you as well, may it be a good one.

regards

Gpop

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blondguy — Fri, 04 Jan 2019 11:24:40 GMT

Hello Gpop

How did your conversation go the other day?

I really hope you are having even some peace

We are here Gpop

Paul

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Gpop — Sun, 06 Jan 2019 13:47:07 GMT

Hi Paul,

thanks for that, not much hasn’t been said since we spoke, by either of us and nothing more about our conversation. We speak but nothing meaningful, mainly pleasantries and limited small talk, not a good atmosphere in the house, it’s not easy to say goodbye after 17 years and I think that’s part of what’s stressing me out as well, it’s not going to easy, but I am pretty sure I have made my decision to part ompany and start to live for me. Just need to pick the right moment I suppose.

anyway Paul, must close but thank you for listening

regards Gpop

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blondguy — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 09:14:23 GMT

Hi Al

no worries at all....and thankyou for posting back too!

Since there is no such thing as a dumb question on the forums (seriously) can I ask if you are missing the FIFO role you have been involved in?

Out of respect, I have had chronic anxiety since 1983 when I was 23 which was followed by depression....Even now after all therapy life can sometimes be exhausting Al. I still take meds since 1996

Hope you are doing reasonably ok.....you are not alone Al

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

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Croix — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 12:13:40 GMT

Dear Al~

Having made the decision will in some ways make things easier I guess. Do you have anyone to help with the move and give some social contact after? Once the hassles of going somewhere else are sorted I'd imagine it might seem a little quiet (or peaceful)

Do you have any plans about how you will spend your time?

Croix

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Gpop — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 17:22:10 GMT

Hi Paul,

Thank you for your kind words. To answer your question, and I never thought I would say this but yes I do miss the fifo work purely because I loved what I was doing and having that interaction with everyone is what I miss the most. I have even thought of applying for a similar role in the Pilbara so I can be closer to my family, we shall see how that goes.

i am always at peace when I am alone in my van, I relax as soon as I step foot in it (even when it’s parked up at home, lol)

out of the blue the other day the other half suggested I visit my family in the Pilbara, told her I was intending to do that anyway, but sine then she has asked me a few times when I am going and I just reply when I am ready, not too sure why she has asked me that question more than once?? Oh well minor detail, will be good to get away.

thanks again for the kind words Paul, take care and be safe.

regards

Gpop

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Gpop — Sat, 02 Feb 2019 08:42:05 GMT

Good afternoon fellow BB Members,

Just an update on events, I was planning to head north in my RV, but a couple of weeks ago the SO said why don’t I take the van and go up and see my children, told her I was planning to do that anyway, then she tried to talk me out of taking the van and fly up, I said no I need to do this. So on Wednesday I headed off on my journey.

On the Thursday she rings me up and told me that she has closed her bank acts, taken what little money I had in my acct and made a cash advance on my credit card (which she had authority to do, silly me) and then she proceeded to want me to withdraw a 100 k out of my super so that she could eventually top up our term deposit to $200k. I mulled over it all that night and declined her proposal.m

the next day she replies to my email and tells me that she has closed off the term deposit and that she wants to call it a day after 18 years, I knew it was going to happen, but I thought I was going to be doing that, oh well it done but what is gnawing at me is what she wants, she wants the house, the money in the term deposit, plus the money that she took ($61k) plus some more money that she has requested of me, not putting me in a good frame of mind, not knowing what to do next, have closed acts etc so that she can’t take anymore, but unless I agree to her demands she is going to get rid of all my personal stuff that I left behind, I must have had some idea because I had already taken some personal item with me. There is one consultation and that is I have 30 days to put a freeze on the term deposit which will be happening on Monday. Now I am in my van, with knowing I have no house to go back to. You know even though I wanted this, it’s hurting me inside. Thank you for listening

Regards

Gpop

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blondguy — Sat, 02 Feb 2019 12:26:31 GMT

Hey Al

I am so sorry.....this is really awful...you mentioned that your partner took $61K and demanding more?

I hope that this doesnt sound silly Al but...the balance (all) of your personal possessions are a no go zone....

You are not silly in any way....(re the credit card withdrawals) You are a trusting person Al....not a silly one at all

Can I ask if she is open to any form of discussion at all?

you must be going through some very serious pain & anguish Al

my kind thoughts and respect

Paul