topic NEEDING SOME ADVICE in Relationship and family issues

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

helpwanted1987 — Wed, 17 Oct 2018 07:56:51 GMT

I am 31 years old I am a mother of 8 and have been married for 14 years.

I am needing some help on what to do......so here is the story

we have been married for 14 years through out this marriage I have suffered some physical abuse however have not now for about 1 year however emotional abuse every day since marriage up until now.

mind you I cook clean washing take care of all my children showers baths clothing changing nappies all by my self

get kids ready for school pick up and drop them all off.

Also get husband ready for work early hours of the morning make him lunch dinner coffees and buy stupid alcohol.

I am getting to the point where I have had enough I want a life with my children only but I don't know how to leave

am scared and worried about leaving.

worried about needing a house for my children I want to take all my household stuff with us.

scared if I don't have enough support that I will feel like I need to come back to him.

I don't have any friends because I am not allowed I don't have my family support because I choose my husband over my family.

I do everything for his family.

he has worked on and off moving from job to job. I have worked over the years and juggled him and kids for a long time but its the abuse and the alcohol I need to get away from.

please need support and advice please

regards

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

Summer Rose — Wed, 17 Oct 2018 10:52:32 GMT

Hi Helpwanted

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story. Please know that you have arrived at a place of kindness and support.

I am sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation. I think you are very brave for reaching out and for wanting to make a change for the better for you and your children.

If you are in immediate danger don't hesitate to call 000.

I'm not an expert but I would like to encourage you to make an exit plan. There is a national organisation called White Ribbon that can help. Maybe you'd like to give them a call on 1800 737 732 to talk it through. Your GP or local police department may also be able to help you make plans.

The main priority has to be to keep you and your children safe--and you already know that. You will get to safety, one step at a time. Start with a well thought out plan.

There may be others who have walked in your shoes or who have more experience than me who will likely respond here, too. You can lean on this community as much or as little as you need.

Courage to you

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

geoff — Wed, 17 Oct 2018 18:08:40 GMT

Hello 87, I'm pleased you've come to the forums and offer a warm welcome to you.

I'm sorry that you have been physically abused and now emotionally mistreated is not what anybody should ever have to cope with, especially with the enormous amount of work you have to do each and every day.

In your comment, you have also mentioned alcohol which can always cause many problems for any marriage/relationship.

For you to get a house suitable for 8 children then perhaps you could go and see Anglicare, especially if you want to leave him, other charities may also be of some help, but that's the secondary problem, the first is to leave him and you have made up your mind.

I would also go to your real estate agent and your privacy will always be kept private, no information can be relaid unless you give permission.

This is something you need to keep to yourself, unfortunately, because you don't want anybody to let him know.

OK, let's jump ahead a bit and if you find a house and remember Centrelink can help you out with bond money etc., then get the real estate to organise putting on your utilities, then plan and organise to move out while he is at work.

There's more to add but hope you can get back to me.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

jess334 — Wed, 17 Oct 2018 20:05:22 GMT

Hi Helpwanted,

Thanks for posting and welcome to the forums.

It sounds from your post that you have made up your mind to leave and are not sure how to go about it.

I agree with Geoff that housing is the first issue you need to get sorted. Anglicare certainly is a good place to start for help finding a home.

You could also try calling the 1800 RESPECT hotline (1800 737 732). Which is a 24 hour confidential information and counselling service set up to support people impacted by abuse.

You said you are no longer in contact with your family because you chose your husband over them in the past. Have you considered asking them for help? If you feel like you can let them know what has been happening, they might be willing to forgive any old issues and help you. I know if my sister cut me off then told me she needed help leaving her abusive husband I would 100% be there for her no matter what she had said to me in the past.

Please keep posting if you are able.

Jess

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

helpwanted1987 — Wed, 17 Oct 2018 21:36:22 GMT

Hi jess and Geoff,

Wow didn't really think anyone would apply to this.

Thank you so much for your help for replying to my post you don't know how much I appreciated it.

Firstly Anglicare that would be a great start as I have never knew they helped in these situations. So I will try and get in contact with them.

I rent through housing in affordable housing I emailed my property manager yesterday just waiting for a response on how she might be able to help. I did stress to her in the email to keep it private and he is not to know and she is not able to ring me home.

Centerlink on the other hand do not help with bond loans they will only help with changing over my payments from partnered to single however there is a problem they need a third party to otherwise that. A friend or family member from both sides mine and his are needing to write a letter and send it to centerline to confirm our separation once I leave I apply for single pension. Which that will be hard.

Leaving is the hard thing getting a removals to remove all mine and children's stuff I don't want to leave the essentials we will definitely need especially children's stuff.

Do you know a removals company that might want to help.

I definitely want to leave I don't think anything will change my mind.

As for my family a few years ago they messaged me on face book and, told me my grandmother had passed away I was half way up to queensland and my mum rang and told me not to come. I told her ok then no one from the family ever let me know what happens again don't wanna know anything.

So the family plan is out sorry but it was a good idea.

As for money wise he kind of controls every thing that goes into both our bank accounts because I have to withdrawal all money the days it comes in and give it all to him.

So in Regards to leaving with money think I am stuck there

Don't know what to do......

A house is definitely needed because of kids and school but using the phone to contact people is very hard a limited ......

If any other ideas please let me know will check back in a few hours

Thanks again for the advice and caring

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

White_Rose — Wed, 17 Oct 2018 22:31:43 GMT

Dear Helpwanted

It's a rare day when someone writes in and does not get a reply. We make sure everyone gets and answer, hopefully within 24 hours but a shorter time is preferable.

I suggest you google 'domestic violence' and add your state. Also Women's Legal Service as they can send you to a lawyer for a free consultation. Not sure if it's one or two sessions but this will help you with your rights about leaving and what you can take. Try DVConnect Womensline Phone: 1800 811 811 This is a national helpline available 24/7. They can tell you about getting a home or going to a shelter.

Does your husband read emails? Will there be a problem there? Ask the lawyer when you see him/her about informing the police when you go. Perhaps they can be on hand on moving day in case of trouble. Not sure if this is feasible but worth asking.

I stayed with my husband for 30 years which was far too long. Eventually I found the courage to leave but by then the children had grown up and left home. It was easier in that respect but going was still hard. I did a lot of pre-planning and organising so that moving day was easier. I hope you are staying strong. Why not move the day you withdraw the money from your account. Set up an account in your name with a different bank and put the cash in that account. You do need money to start with as CentreLink etc will not be able to supply cash immediately, as I understand it. I may be wrong about that.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are going.

Mary

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

jess334 — Thu, 18 Oct 2018 10:19:11 GMT

Hi again,

The red tape that Centrelink puts on people is absolutely ridiculous. How do they expect newly separated women to ask for a letter from their exs family?! I would take Mary's advice and see if you can get some free legal advice and ask the lawyer about that as well. I am sure there is a way to gain an exemption, but you need someone who knows the system. For example maybe they will accept a letter from the lawyer or your doctor instead.

I hope you can find a removalist company. Try looking at Gumtree for a cheap company. Or ask Anglicare if they can help / suggest someone.

Kind thoughts,

Jess

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

geoff — Thu, 18 Oct 2018 14:16:10 GMT

Hello 87, hope you don't mind me calling you this, please let me know if you want me to change it.

Centrelink won't help you with public housing but it will if you decide to go private if you can still get public that's the way to go.

You could also contact Quantum another part of public housing and it's where someone I knew had to go bankrupt so we had to find somewhere for him to live pronto, and our second visit was to Quantum and someone understands his urgent need and provided him with a flat straight away.

I agree with Jess and ask Anglicare about a removalist.

With the money try and work out how you can 'pretend' to forget or get caught up with something else telling him the money will be there tonight, instead you use for your own needs to move.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

helpwanted1987 — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 00:42:55 GMT

Hi everyone,

I will try and answer every ones questions here.

First in regards to the question does he read the emails?

well yes he does we have two email accounts both linked to our phones my phone fell in the toilet a month back so I refused to get a new one.

so both emails are linked to his account on his phone which I could not use any of those emails for anything. so I set up a new email account secretly and I use my computer for all of this stuff needed.

as In regards to Centrelink I know it is pretty stupid how they work however and very happy to say

once I leave here I can go to a Centrelink office with my children and apply for an immediate change over of payments under domestic violence . Centrelink then must change over everything with out needing a third party. I can also apply for an immediate part payment to assist with me if needed. But I am then short the next pension payment but if it is needed it is needed

Having a bit of problems with accommodation because I have such a big family there is not many services that can accommodate this many people..

Housing on the other hand are not able to help due to the fact it is affordable housing they can not give me a transfer as I will not be able to work with the children.

I have however stressed to them that I am able to return to Coles as I still have an active transfer in place however I am needing to return to work before they will be able to assist me with a transfer which I think is really stupid due to the circumstances

I however will feel more comfortable in a private rental I have reached out to a few real estates about 50km away who are willing to assist me.

I do have salvation army who may be able to help with removal of my house hold goods only for a small fee

I think that is all at this stage I have put of leaving for a bit until I know I have accommodation for my children because that is the best and safest option for my children at this point.

if I have put up with this for 14 years I think I can take it for maybe another week

well if yous can assist with anything else that would be great sorry if I didn't answer everyone's questions as I am typing and watching 3 children .

thank you all once again for all the support .

and Geoff really don't care about the name its the support I care about so thank you for the help to you and everyone best regards everyone and have a great weekend things are slowly moving in the right direction fingers crossed we get there in the end

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

helpwanted1987 — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 03:34:49 GMT

hi everyone,

just quick update on everything.

first answer to your question about the email yes he does read them that is why I had to go and set up a different email account.

second about Centrelink so this is good news once I leave him I go to a centrelink office report to them about the physical and emotional abuse and they will automatically update all information I am able to get a emergency payment there and then to use for kids and me however it means less money the week after which will be very hard.

as for a removalist I am waiting to hear back from salvation army they might be able to help for a small few I just need to let them know when exactly it might happen.

as for housing they are unable to help me even though I rent through them my house is affordable housing so one of us has to be working to have an active lease here. Even though it is in my name I am not eleigable for a transfer even though I have stressed them I will be returning back to work as I still have an active transfer in place for employment.

I have a few services who are trying to assist with accommodation until I get in to the private rental is where I feel I would rather rent through then housing.

other then that. that's it for now I don't have much more information I have however put of leaving for a while until I have a house ready to go for my children where I know we will be safe in.

I think that is the best option right now to wait until I have secured accommodation then leave.

if I have put up with this for 14 years then I think another week might not hurt.

in regards to Geoff about your questions the name does not really matter to me the fact that you an everyone else is given your time to show support and give some help and advice is all that matters.

thank you all so much I will keep up dating as things work out everyone have a good weekend thank you all so much fingers crossed we get out sooner then later.

regards

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

Summer Rose — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 04:39:13 GMT

Hi Helpwanted

Just read your post and have to say, well done.

You have done an amazing job getting things organised this far. For what it's worth, I think you're wise to wait another week to get your housing in order.

Perhaps there is now time to think about the actual moving day and the logistics of it all. I'm thinking about how you transport all of the children at once, ensuring groceries and necessities are on hand, etc. I really liked Mary's suggestion of asking for help/support/protection from your local police. You could also talk with the police about what to do if your husband and/or his family pressure or bother you once you've left.

If you have a community legal aid office near by it might to pop in at some stage and see if they can help you too. I'm thinking of the potential future child custody, financial and property issues that might exist.

You are doing great. Kind thoughts to you

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

helpwanted1987 — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 06:14:26 GMT

just a quick question any one know how to raise some money for these situations.

I made a go fund me page however I can not link it to the facebook because of him and his family.

any one have any other suggestions how else to share this

regards

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

Summer Rose — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 21:08:40 GMT

Hi Helpwanted

Tricky question given the need for secrecy.

Suggest you speak with your local MP. He/she may have access to funds or know where to get them in a situation like this.

You could also talk to the principal at your children's school. Maybe the school could fund raise while protecting your anonymity.

Maybe you could think about the go fund me page after you're settled. At that stage you can block people you no longer want on your page.

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

helpwanted1987 — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 22:16:24 GMT

good morning every one,

ok so yesterday I posted about how things were going so far....

Guess I was very overwelled about all the information I was getting in regards to getting assistance about getting away.

I guess I was in the wrong.

The centrelink part I have got covered once I leave here.

The removalist I have assistance in that part from salvation army they just need a date and time.

In regards to the house, not much hope there.

A lady from my local vinnies was assisting me with applying for a house for my children for now maybe transitional housing for now.

However I filled out all the relevant forms and done as she asked answered all questions over the phone.

I stressed to her how I was hoping to leave to day as he is not here between 9 - 5 today.

That would be enough time to get things all done.

However after emailing back anf forth yesterday filling out application after application her last question to me after 6pm yesterday was SO WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FOR YOU JADE ?

ARE YOU AND THE CHILDREN STILL SAFE SOMEONE WILL BE IN TOUCH WITH YOU OVER THE WEEKEND TO SEE IF YOU AND CHILDREN ARE OK.

Wow I was shocked but also sad by these questions because I was ready to finally make the move.

I did mention to her about maybe not leaving yet until I was able to get a property and I mentioned this in my preious post.\

However she suggested that I fill out all the relevant applications so she could start making some phones calls and assisting us sooner then later.

I was happy excited yesterday to know that we might be out of here soon but its now like my hope is fading away.

I don't know what to do sometimes I feel like just taking the children leave everything and just get out.

but unfortunately I cant.

I do have a question for anyone who could answer.

if I was just to leave with the children today as he is not home and go in to emergency accommodation for now.

Can I go to the local police and have them come back here with the removalist to remove all of mine and childrens stuff?

Am I a bad person if I get the police involved?

I am scared to do that and I feel like I am doing the wrong thing if I do

please could someone answer that question

regards

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

jess334 — Sat, 20 Oct 2018 21:15:33 GMT

Hi again,

Sorry I haven't been in touch over the last few days. It sounds like you have done a great job or organising everything. Well done.

I do not know if the police will do that. I think they should - but you may want to confirm with them before you leave everything there. I definitely do not think it makes you a bad person. You need to do what you can to ensure safety for you and the kids.

You are doing amazingly though, it might feel overwhelming at times, especially when other people you thought would help let you down, but you are doing exactly the right things.

Always here to listen

Jess

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

White_Rose — Sat, 20 Oct 2018 22:11:11 GMT

Hello HW

Sorry I have not been able to post for a few days. I have been a little unwell.

I have to say you are organising yourself very well. Please stay an extra couple of days to make sure you have all the basics covered. Being on the streets because something has not worked out would be dreadful.

Did you contact the Domestic Violence people in your state? Also the Women's Legal Service. The DV people may be able to get you into a women's refuge until you get your accommodation sorted and you will be safe. Once you have left you can put all the other steps in place without feeling pressured or unsafe.

I wonder if you can put all your belonging in storage somewhere. I know there are costs with a storage company but can you leave your possessions with someone, such as in their garage or someone with a large shed? I would worry about your belongings being damaged before you went back to claim them. Also I understand that you can get an order to collect your goods with police assistance, but I am really unsure about this. If you talk to someone from the Women's Legal Service this is the sort of thing you can find out.

So frustrating about the person from Vinnies. It seems she completely missed the point. Are there any other agencies near by that could help you? I understood you were going to ask Anglicare but perhaps that's not an option. I know they have safe accommodation in Brisbane but that may not help you.

You are so close to leaving and I can understand how difficult it is waiting to get these last details organised. Please wait until you have accommodation, just a few days longer.

Mary

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

geoff — Sat, 20 Oct 2018 22:33:09 GMT

Hello 87, the police will go there if you believe you are going to be harmed, especially if any reports have been made to them before, otherwise if there are any altercations while moving out then you can ring them.

That doesn't make you a bad person at all.

Inquire to the principal at school whether you could ask about donations or perhaps having a raffle for you, it's for a good cause.

Geoff.

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

jess334 — Sun, 21 Oct 2018 22:24:30 GMT

Hi HW,

Just a quick response to your police question. I spoke to a friend who used to be a policeman - he said that the Police will likely not assist you to remove your property unless you have a court order against your ex (i.e. a domestic violence order etc). He explained that this is because without the order they cannot confirm that the property is yours.

However as Geoff said - if there is violence at the time - you can call them and they will come to assist.

As Mary stated the Women's Legal Services can assist you with getting an order in place if this is something you think you need.

regards, Jess

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

helpwanted1987 — Thu, 25 Oct 2018 06:06:23 GMT

Hi everyone,

Quick update so I am still stuck here in the same place.

I do have some updates I have applied for 3 private rentals I am waiting to here from the owners.

The real estate has helped me have the application processed first and they will speak to the owners about my situation. Depending on what the owners say I will then view the properties and pick which one I would like.

Which is good because you need to view before they can process the application however the real estate agent was willing to help.

Second I contacted my parents and they are supporting me 100%. They want me to move closer to them so they can help and support me and my children. However I do have an issue where they live he and his friends and family live basically every where you could think of so that makes it hard.

I was going south coast a place I know but know one he knows and the last place he would think about.

So what do I do?

If I move closer I am risking being found if I put my kids in school they could be recognized by other kids who they already know from his family. All the time I will be watching my back and being scared we could be found.

Or do I move far away where we can have a normal life.where I can take my kids out to the movies go shopping go to the beach just have fun and my kids can go to school we can do anything and not worry.

I want to rebuild the relationship with my family that I have missed out all the years I want them to meet my children and have a close relationship with them.

My mum has early signs of arthritis so she can only travel so far in the car.

She is accepting any decision I make and she has said that she always believed that the more my children grew up the more I would want to leave and have my own life with my children.

She is right that is what I want and I am being patient.

Vinnie at this stage might have a transitional housing option for us in Hornsby which again is quite close to him.

It would be cheaper for me to live in housing because of the children and being a single mother however I would like my house to be nice and suitable for my children and in a nice area for my kids which is why I chose private rent.

However you can always make a home nice and homely.

But please give me some advice and what decision I should make

Am I making the right decision by moving far away or should I move closer?

Can't wait to here everyone's advice

Regards

NEEDING SOME ADVICE

Summer Rose — Thu, 25 Oct 2018 07:11:09 GMT

Hi Helpwanted

I know you need the support of your family but my gut tells me it's better for you not to be close to your husband's friends and family. Word of where you are living will travel to him fast. I'm also worried that once you leave your husband may also choose to move back home to be closer to his family and you could end up way too close. It's not like you can be friends with him. Once you leave I believe you need to refuse future contact with him.

If it was me, I would look for a location 1-2 hours away from your family. Your mum could always take a bus or train to visit you if she can't drive. And given travelling is hard on her, maybe she could stay for a period of time (like a week at a time). She will get to know your children very well and be a big help to you while she's there. Or you and mum could pick a place in the middle to catch up with the kids, even a Maccas where you can talk and the kids can play or a swimming pool or play centre. It's not perfect but it will be better than what you have at present.

I don't think it matters whether you rent privately or move into government housing. You will make wherever you are home. Home is where you and the children are safe.

Kind thoughts to you