topic Leaving wife because of stepson in Relationship and family issues

Leaving wife because of stepson

Guest_7403 — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 02:57:54 GMT

Hi all some advice needed please

My wife and I have a newborn (ours) a stepson (hers, he's 5) and I have a daughter to another lady (she's 5 also)

I see my daughter 3 times a week after school for a few hours, by choice on my side.

I knew my wife had a son when I met her, and knew I didn't want to have a step son or another child in my life as I wasn't in a good place mentally. It was never meant to be more then a bit of office flirting I guess as I was enjoying for once being alone and myself

As we started dating, getting more serious we had arguments about him being there all the time, and I told her I'd rather end our relationship...she pleaded and said I wouldn't always feel this way and I decided to stay

Fast forward two years, I still can't stand having someone else's kid around me.

We decided to change her custody arrangements 3 months ago yo fix this issue and give us a chance with our new child..to 3 days a fortnight and more flexible days so that she could have him while I was at work (I work shift work) to minimise our interactions

Its been going great, we are better then ever and our work life balance has been enjoyable

But the other night her ex messaged saying that because he has there son majority of the time as of next year he would be moving him schools to be closer to his home (about 25 minutes from us)

My wife wasn't happy about this and we discussed the options of allowing it and not. The only way for it not too happen was to take her son back 50/50, something I'm apprehensive about at best.

She fought for hours with him and ultimately ended up taking him back 50/50...so now I'm looking at a life with this kid again and being completely miserable

What has led me to wanting to end my marriage now is that after she stopped him changing schools she told me "she's glad she beat him and he lost that control"

I'm very upset and annoyed that we finally were living the life we wanted only to have it taken away because of an emotional battle between them.

I know it sounds awful about her son, it's just how I feel and had my time again I would of walked and never gone down this path, but I love my wife and wanted a life with her.

She's refusing to back down on her stance, not because it's what she wants (she enjoys our life balance now) but for the simple fact she doesn't want him having that full control

I'm just after some 3rd person perspective as I don't see a point in living an unhappy life when it doesn't need to be.

Thanks

Leaving wife because of stepson

White_Rose — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 03:42:32 GMT

Dear Theborderline

Wow, this is a tricky situation. Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting.

Moms and children have all sorts of bonds which are not easy to see and can be hard for someone looking in to see the whole picture. It seems your wife must give up her husband, you, or give up her son for longer periods. A tough choice. I understand you believe your wife only wants to keep her son with her frequently to spite her ex but I wonder if that is entirely true. Do you think that she misses him being around?

There is also the child himself. How do you think he feels going to his father's home more often because mom has remarried and new dad doesn't want the boy around? That's a huge rejection for a child that age. Then of course there's you and your needs. You want your family to consist of you and wife plus your own children. With the high rate of separation there are many families trying to find a good balance in how long does one parent have the child(ren).

What about your daughter? Could she not come and stay with you at times? She could be a playmate for your stepson.

I don't really have an answer for you. I can see all the benefits for you and your wife in having the boy with you less often. I can also see a young boy growing up knowing mom could have chosen him and let you go, giving all her love to this new baby. It's fraught with difficulty and I don't know how I would resolve it.

Sorry I cannot give advice other than saying remember there are three people in this place. Four if you count the boy's father. May I ask what it is about your stepson that makes you reluctant to live with him? All I can say is, think carefully about the choices you make. The boy will want to be out with his friends in ten years and not underfoot all the time.

I'm certain there will be others along shortly to talk with you,

Mary

Leaving wife because of stepson

Guest_7403 — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 04:03:55 GMT

Hi Mary thanks for your response,

I'm aware it's not nice for either parties involved, but it's how I feel and after two years it's not going to change.

I know my wife she doesn't seem bothered by less time with her son, even when we had him 5050 she would send him to his grandparents or great grandparents at everytime possible.

I don't like him, his appearance (looks only like his dad), personality etc

Yes I can have my daughter around when he's there but I'm not going to use her as a tool to make it seem less awful

I also take issue with his grandparents saying they'll only take him for the day and not my daughter so they can spend more time with him....I don't agree with it and won't put her through that

I don't really care what her ex thinks or feels, he doesn't mean anything to me and I won't allow him to dictate my life

The writing is on the wall it's just a matter of packing my things and going, as there's no other way to resolve this now

Even when questioning my wife about this school and whether she really wants him back it's the same answer.....I couldn't allow him to win again

Leaving wife because of stepson

quirkywords — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 04:43:44 GMT

Theborderline,

Thanks for sharing your story.

I started writing a reply then I saw your reply and that you have pretty well made up your mind.

There is one human in this situation that I think needs to be considered. Your newborn son with your wife.

If you leave will you miss out on some of his growing up.?

I respect the way you feel and you pointed this out from the beginning. I can understand you find the situation difficult.

I understand how you feel your wife is having a tug of war with her about who wins and who is control.

Does your wife know you are thinking about leaving?

Thanks again for your honesty and sharing your thoughts.

Quirky

Leaving wife because of stepson

Guest_7403 — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 05:13:59 GMT

Hi quirky,

Yes she's well aware of my plans to leave her, but I think after the 7 years of marriage to her ex her hate and emotions towards hurting him are far stronger then us being happy

In regards to my newborn I've had lengthy discussions regarding this and again my failure to bond with my child

He feels that because of my issues with abandonment I won't allow myself to bond with it, my walls are well and truly up and with issues regarding the stepson I won't bring them down to allow them in

In reality I'll have a better with that relationship out of this environment

I think I feel a bit like i was used to make her ex jealous after they separated and still am used for that

Like now I'm in my bedroom with the door shut so that I don't have to see the stepson, if I had another place to stay in the interim I'd have already left

Leaving wife because of stepson

Juliet_84 — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 10:37:27 GMT

I honestly can’t see how this can work. Out of curiosity do you also have a problem with your newborn or is it specifically her child that you have a problem with? Her child will always be her child and that will never change. Something may be to consider is staying on your own for awhile as planned and perhaps consider counseling in future to address your thoughts and feelings on the matter. The reality is that you have a daughter also and you may find it difficult in future to find someone who is understanding of your situation if you are unwilling to be understanding of theirs.

Leaving wife because of stepson

White_Rose — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 13:06:13 GMT

Hello Theborderline

Thank you for your reply. I'm not keen on giving advice as I am not the person making the decision. Thank you for your honest comments. It seems like a situation where there are no winners, only second best and I am sad that you are in this position.

I can only suggest you talk to a counsellor or psychologist to help resolve this difficulty. I gather you already talk to someone about your upbringing and the effect on your life. I am also sorry that you experienced these traumas as a child. In the end you can only do what you feel is right. If I may suggest, can you have a couple more sessions with your therapist before making a final decision?

In any event, you are welcome to post here as much as you like. We are always around.

Mary

Leaving wife because of stepson

Quercus — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 14:05:54 GMT

Hi Theborderline,

Wow. Just wow.

In a previous post you referred to your baby as "it" and your stepson as "the stepson". That made me very uncomfortable and is why I'm replying.

I see this as a massive problem in itself.

Children are very aware of how their parents or carers feel.

As to your stepson. He is your wife's son and she has a responsibility to him. You may wish he would leave but it isn't a realistic thing to ask of her. Would you give up your daughter if she asked you to?

I wonder if you have spoken to other men with stepchildren at all? About how they maintain a healthy relationship with their step child.

You said a few things that struck me as totally opposite to my expectations of step families such as expecting grandparents to mind your daughter as well as their grandson. I think this is pretty typical from what I know. Do you think it is fair to expect others to accept your child as theirs if you totally reject their grandson? Something worth considering.

You say often that you "feel the way you feel", but you married your wife with both of you knowing the other has a child from a previous relationship and chose to bring another child into the world.

Rather than packing up and leaving have you considered going to family therapy or couples therapy? Relationships Australia have resources available to support blended families and you can phone and ask for support and advice. They even run courses specifically for step parents.

Https://relationshipswa.org.au/en/Information/Myself/step-and-blended-families

I'm aware my view may be totally unwelcome and that's ok too.

Nat

Leaving wife because of stepson

White_Rose — Mon, 22 Oct 2018 12:57:40 GMT

Hello Theborderline

How are you going? I see you have not posted in the last few days and wondered if everything is OK. I like to think you have read the various posts as expressions of the writer's thoughts which you may disagree with. Please remember these comments are our own thoughts and are based on our own experiences. I know I run a mile from some threads because they set my personal alarm bells ringing and trigger all sorts of memories.

It takes a lot of courage to open up about oneself on the forum and ask for advice. I do thank you for that and hope you will feel able to continue writing here. Whether or not you agree with the comments made here or whether you find them helpful I don't know. I hope they are of value as we try very hard to be supportive to everyone.

Is there anything you would like to talk about? We are still here and happy to talk further.

Mary

Leaving wife because of stepson

Guest_7403 — Mon, 22 Oct 2018 23:13:33 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your follow up, I can accept constructive criticism and advice from anyone, what I'm not interested in is personal attacks regarding my own views and issues.

I find BB to be a very politically correct forum and that posters will support certain people for immoral acts but others they will flame away.

My stepson is treated like my daughter, I don't treat him any differently and he doesn't know that I feel this way nor do I show it, I was merely saying I preferred an arrangement where we have the children less

When I referred to my newborn as "it" was not because I view them as "it" it was because the original poster referred to my newborn as a boy when she is in in fact a girl, I was only calling her "it" so as not to draw attention to that

There's alot of guys out there who do don't see there own children at all, I was upset that I had been working so hard to use our reduced time on my newborn and helping my self get better.

If further questions were asked about myself, others may have learned that I suffer from fear of abandonment and I push children away so that they can't get close to me (as my psychologist tells me) it's a defensive trigger I have based on my own past

People will praise and support others for posting about how there having an affair on there partners because there depressed and they'll tell them how strong they are and support them in doing these immoral things....

But when it comes to a father clearly struggling to find his place in a blended family he is flamed and sent to the stake (apologies for the theatrics)

Thanks for your follow up

Leaving wife because of stepson

Quercus — Tue, 23 Oct 2018 01:33:20 GMT

Hi TheBorderline,

I'm glad you returned to tell us more about your situation and how you feel.

I'll be brief and try to be as neutral as I can. You mentioned political correctness and I think this has more to do with abiding by the forum rules than anything else.

I often report my own posts because I don't want to just nod along with values I don't agree with. I reported my own reply to you as soon as I had hit post as I realised how badly it had affected me.

However, we are constantly reminded it is not our place to judge others. It is what makes these forums a safe place.

I have admitted elsewhere I was triggered by your post and I asked for guidance of how I should respond within the rules or how to walk away without the emotions triggered following me.

The way I manage posts that upset me is to reply. I'm not a professional so often my replies are as best I can do.

I respect that you have your own illness and valid concerns. I only ask that you try to remember I manage a mental illness too.

You wrote...

"On this site people like the above poster will praise and support others for posting about how there having an affair on there partners because there depressed and they'll tell them how strong they are and support them in doing these immoral things...."

"People like" does not include me.

I don't often reply to posts about infidelity because I find them highly offensive. When I do it is usually because I know how awful it feels to be ignored altogether.

I do try my best to be polite. That you feel I wasn't makes me realuse I need to work harder. Or perhaps reevauluate whether I bring any value to the forums at all.

I am simply a volunteer. No experience but for my own life experiences. And that is all that is asked of me. To try my best.

If a post causes you hurt please don't hesitate to report it.

I am sorry. Thank you for explaining why you used the term "it". The term is highly triggering for me when used for a child.

Nat

Leaving wife because of stepson

White_Rose — Tue, 23 Oct 2018 02:27:49 GMT

Hello TB. Is it OK to call you that?

Thank you for giving us further explanation of how you think and feel. I have some understanding of being abandoned from when I left my husband 18 years ago. At one stage it seemed my children were more interested in looking after their father than me, but I think it was because they felt he had a greater need. Didn't make me happy though as I felt like the outsider for a while. I think it contributed to my very major depression although that's not meant in a blaming manner. It is what it is.

I understand your metaphors and why you use them. I do this frequently despite realising others think I am speaking literally. Has caused a few hiccups in the past.

I cannot pretend to understand your position as I have never been part of a blended family. I do appreciate it is different to biological families and I often wonder how foster carers manage with a several foster children plus their own children. It must make for challenges at times. I wonder how I would manage.

On BB we do try to be non-judgemental and to avoid our comments being seen as judgemental. It can also present challenges. I think there are two parts to your situation. One is about you and how you are coping which includes your history and way of life. The second part is the children in your life, so to speak. Many, if not most people who write here have children at various ages. I have four children, all left home and have their own families making me a grandma to eight children. Expensive at Christmas.

I don't know how you can resolve your lifestyle and keep these children safe from harm to have a happy ever after life. Well actually I'm not sure any of us have a happy ever after life where nothing happens to trouble or hurt us. We simply try the best we can and make sure our motives are apparent to ourselves.

You said you see a psych. Have you discussed this in your sessions? My last session with my psychiatrist was exhausting. We spent the whole time trying to find a reason for an action of mine. At first I was not even certain what the psych was asking because, "It's obvious what the reason is". There are times when I want to be asked the hard questions, to dig into my justifications and hold them up to the cold light of day. And equally I have times when I shy away from such questions.

I can choose to see this method of opening my mind as invasive, damaging and as the result of the psych's agenda, or I can see it as a tool to help me move on.

Mary

Leaving wife because of stepson

Juliet_84 — Tue, 23 Oct 2018 04:28:08 GMT

Hi theborderline,

I also wish to extend an apology in case you were offended by my post also or found it judgmental as that was not my intention. My (perhaps misguided) intention in asking those questions was to challenge the negative thoughts that you were feeling towards your stepson by trying to put you in that situation if you separated from your wife and someone was doing that to your child.

I know that some people prefer to be simply told what they want to hear. But given that just about all of us here have some form of mental illness that they struggle with, often caused by unhealthy thought patterns, I think that we would do each other a disservice if we didn’t challenge each other from time to time in a non-threatening way. Again, I’m sorry if you felt attacked.

I truly wish you all the best and wish everyone in this situation a peaceful resolution.

Leaving wife because of stepson

ElleG — Tue, 23 Oct 2018 23:28:57 GMT

This is just my view, but I believe that children will always come before a spouse. That’s your blood. I think many parents would feel the same.

If you are asking your wife to chose between you and her son, be prepared that her decision may be her son. I agree that seeing a counsellor might be wise for you both.

Leaving wife because of stepson

Croix — Sun, 28 Oct 2018 12:29:33 GMT

Dear Theborderline~

I've read the posts above and would like to offer you a thought. Like me you have come from a very different world where 'rough edges' are commonplace. Here is simply not the same. In some ways it is like the quiet in a hospital ward. There is a lot of pain and illness but the sounds or words are muted.

It takes getting used to, it took me around two years. It has worth - a lot in fact. It is also not perfect, how could it be?

As Nat pointed out we all have our own views, it's just we try hard to make it a non judgmental place, a refuge.

You have done some pretty good work here, and it's been invaluable. I'd hate to think after all that you felt alienated or you did not belong.

For various reasons I can understand firstly a family made up from two different old relationships, and I can also understand the feeling one has when one's own home is not a welcoming place.

Love and affection do not come 'made to order', and sometimes the combined family does not always work. It sounds as if you are unlucky enough to be in that position.

I'm sure you realize it's not the same deal as when you met your current wife. True, you did say you did not want the son, but now things are different. Your wife sounds as if she tried hard to get a compromise you could accept -and did that for your sake. The fact her ex has made that impossible is a right pain - however she did try.

You have a baby together - both of yours.

If your wife has a hostile attitude to her ex, not wanting him to win, maybe that's understandable in the circumstances. The fact they are apart does not mean the hurt she has would have gone away. As you would expect proximity is forced on them, they still have a relationship, and maybe that sits badly with you.

I would like to suggest firstly that all the relationships you have mentioned are complex, and come wiht histories, including yours. I've changed over the years and am a more accepting person. Many people do.

Could I too suggest trying counseling together with you wife? While no solution is perfect going on your own might not be the answer you need. I would imagine part from anything else it will make you more bitter and less trusting, pushing even more people away.

If I've made assumptions, or sounded like I'm lecturing, please forgive my manner, I'm honestly trying to offer a point of view you may not wholly have considered

Croix

Leaving wife because of stepson

Guest_7403 — Mon, 29 Oct 2018 07:36:42 GMT

Thanks Croix, there's alot of issues that combine to cause these feelings I have.

My wife has a large supportive family, my parents no longer speak to me as they blamed me for my previous relationship break up and choose to support my ex (No violence, no drug use) just didn't work out.

It hurt my immensly she took the children and left, I fell in a hole and stopped contacting while I refund myself.

I dated etc but decided I never wanted children and at the time of meeting my wife hadn't dated for months as I was trying to find myself again.

I've been in a full scale riot, cell fire extractions and lots of physical assaults on myself and others. They all take there toll and I struggle with memories and sleeping.

After working 7 days straight sometimes I don't feel like coming home to a child that isn't mine and being a babysitter while my wife goes out or goes to work. It's not the life I wanted, and I made it more then clear before proceeding i didn't want it.

We planned to move up north Queensland and start a life as us 3, my wife was supportive of this and more then willing...to the point she was applying for jobs etc

But since bubs came, she's throwing up road blocks all the time, and taking her son more then ever...almost intwining him into our lives more then ever.

I don't care to much for people's opinions, it's a messy situation but isn't straight forward.

I've told my wife I'll leaving on my own as it's something I need to do.

She's refuses that and says she's coming, but want to bring her son. I've told her that's not what we planned and agreed to before the marriage, reiterating to her I told you I was doing this before we met and why.

It's very sad here at the moment for all involved

Leaving wife because of stepson

monkey_magic — Mon, 29 Oct 2018 08:34:48 GMT

Hi Theborderline,

It does sounds like a sad situation for you all. By the sounds of things you're sticking to your guns though.

You will be walking away....

I can see two possible outcomes.

Best advice I can give is to think / talk everything through with your wife when things have calmed down, if you want and if you can come up with any sort of compromise to keep the family together great but if not I know you will do what you are determined to.

It will cause hurt as you know.

Best of luck with your health that is hopefully easing some of those difficult things that happened to you in the past.

I guess u have to consider if being alone is better than the family unit. At the end of the day it's your decision to make.

Good luck with everything.

( Nat; I see you working your butt of on the forums, Mary too, & of course Croix & whoever I've missed) And Nat you bring value. I feel relieved for others because you have written to them.

We are a mixed bunch of people here with different backgrounds. What's right for someone might not be right for someone else and visa versa. Our opinions, beliefs, morality, advice, knowledge will differ. Some will gel with it, some won't.

It's life.

Good and great work everyone. Our words can change lives x

Leaving wife because of stepson

Croix — Mon, 29 Oct 2018 11:58:09 GMT

Dear Theborderline~

I guess a failing I have is that I tend to see others as having the same sort of problems I've had. I talked about 'rough edges' last time.

For me at least the job did not end at knock off time, and I'd imagine just becuse you leave an establishment at the end of a shift that is not the end of it. It bleeds though into everyday life. One cannot see or be assaulted and have life go on as before. The same with all the other events in your institution.

You get to see many people at their worst. I'm not saying all, just much more than the average citizen would and one's thought processes change, one becomes more wary, expecting trouble more for one thing, less believing.

All that grew inside me over time and because I'd not a clue how mental health things worked I ended up in a very bad state, I'm lucky to be here.

You've mentioned a couple of events at work (I'm sure there have been many more) , and the same struggle with memories and sleep as me.

All this seems a fair way away from the relationship problems you are facing however I'm trying to let you know about my mistakes. OK, maybe I'm assuming too much, dunno.

May I ask if you get private regular counseling and assessment? Anyway judging one's own condition for me was a big error. It left me, apart from anything else, unable to cope in my relationship. Wanting to retreat.

So a few thoughts, if I'm off track OK.

Croix

Leaving wife because of stepson

White_Rose — Tue, 30 Oct 2018 10:04:49 GMT

Hello Theborderline

Sorry to be away for a while. Just when I thought life was settling down along comes Problem from left field.Really annoying and upsetting. It makes me want more control over my life but as it's my body that's letting me down I can hardly blames anyone or anything else.

I believe you have received a huge amount of support and help from the forum. The question is, is it enough? We all understand you are the only person who can make these decisions and I hope that throwing everything into the mix may have been useful to you.

Your working life sounds like you have faced some difficult situations and that is always sad. While my difficulties have not been physical trauma there has been much psychological trauma. I won't go into details because it's not relevant to you other than life has been difficult. In some ways I would love someone to make the decision for me but I know enough about myself that I would not accept anything I didn't want to do. Still I guess that's one way of making a decision.

And that's the point isn't it? We can ask for opinions and suggestions, look at the situation in different ways if we are challenged, but it all boils down to what you want and how to achieve it.

Croix has said he did not manage on his own and needed help. This is also my situation. Without family and friends I doubt I would be here. What this has shown me is how much I am loved by these people. It's been hard to accept because if no one loves you then no one will miss you and decisions are easier. I spend most evenings alone and in all honesty I rather like this except for the times I want company and don't have it. It seems there is no such thing as a perfect existence.

I feel for your sadness, both of you, and I have no solution of any kind. I think you will both make up your minds on the preferred actions and go ahead whatever way you decide, separately or together. If writing in here helps, please continue. We are happy yo keep you company and chat.

Mary

Leaving wife because of stepson

Tess2 — Thu, 01 Nov 2018 16:16:06 GMT

hi the borderline,

this is a very sad thread. there are three important people in this, the children. once you have a child that is your priority and primary responsibilty. what we want as adults in a relationship should be second place. I am not judging you or your wife. i had a blended family, my husbands children, 3, and then our 2. His youngest a son, came to live with us. I loved him but did not like living with him. it was very difficult. But the children must come first. You married her in spite of knowing you did not want the son and you wanted to take precedence, especially once you had your own child together. That is an impossible situation for her, and you. I am really sorry for all of you and feel sad for you all. but sometimes it just aint going to work. I also later had a relationship with a man who could not stand being with my youngest son, he actually didnt like either around but expected me to welcome his. In the end we parted the children must come first

tess