topic dont know what to do next in Relationship and family issues

dont know what to do next

Shazzy62 — Tue, 12 Feb 2019 21:27:29 GMT

Last week I seperated from my partner of 5 years, this was his choice, I am completely devastated. I have been researching help on line and all I can find is the No Contact rule- is this the way to go?

dont know what to do next

JessF — Tue, 12 Feb 2019 21:49:50 GMT

Hello Shazzy62, it sounds like your world has been turned upside down, I'm so sorry. We all have our own ways of coping with separations, and it very much depends on the situation I feel. What do you think would help you best right now? How do you feel about 'no contact' as an option?

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Shazzy62 — Tue, 12 Feb 2019 22:05:59 GMT

Hi, I can understand the benefits, and I am really trying to but the, out of the blue I get an anxious stabbing feeling in my chest, and all I want to do is see him. He has said he needs space to find himself again, we talk and txt each day, just very overwhelmed at the moment. I dont want this to end.

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JessF — Tue, 12 Feb 2019 22:19:17 GMT

Hello Shazzy62, that aching feeling must be so painful. Grief from a relationship ending can be just as painful as when someone dies, it's all about the sense of loss you feel. One word that came to mind when reading your second post was 'boundaries'. He has set some by ending the relationship and saying he 'needs space to find himself' again. But you are still talking and texting each day. That's an arrangement that appears to be working very well for him, but perhaps not so well for you. What boundaries do you think you need to put in place to help you cope during this time? He needs space, what do you need?

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Shazzy62 — Tue, 12 Feb 2019 23:31:52 GMT

Hi, I need to respect his wishes, as I would wish that for me in reverse. A funeral is being held tomorrow and we will both be there, I just dont know if I can handle seeing him and not being with him. I feel as if every one will be watching us.... and its Valentines day. So I need to find strength and some kind of courage. We were deeply in love, very close. and I love him to the moon and back.

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Happygoluckymiss — Tue, 12 Feb 2019 23:52:48 GMT

Hi shazzy,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have been through this myself (just recently) it’s almost an identical situation.

Jess mentioned boundaries (thank you Jess - your beautiful insights are truly inspirational and have helped me tremendously!) these are so important because he is getting you still but you are not getting what you want.

I found speaking to GP, psychologist, this community and writing my feelings down a good way to start being a peace with my new normal.

I will not lie - there were tears, anxiety etc but I’m through the worst of it (there was a number of other issues also).

please take care of you, as the old saying goes - you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Happy to chat and listen to you when you’re ready

sending you much kindness today

- happygoluckymiss

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Shazzy62 — Tue, 12 Feb 2019 23:54:51 GMT

Thankyou for your kind wishes, But I dont want this to end, I want to resolve it

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Lozzieoz — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 00:04:04 GMT

Shazzy, I am in a very similar situation to you at the moment and I won’t lie, I’m really struggling. We were being friendly which made me hurt less but it also meant that I held onto some hope of getting back together which is only damaging in the end. We’re not currently talking and it’s been so difficult to go cold turkey. However, it’s helped me in some ways. As horrible as it feels, you need to realise that there’s nothing you can do to change his mind right now. I tried everything and in the end, he needs time to mature and grow and hopefully one day he’ll come back, but I have to find peace in the fact that I have no say in whether that happens or not.

I’m not sure if that made sense, I’m still trying to figure it all out for myself.

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JessF — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 00:40:05 GMT

Hello again Shazzy, from what you're saying it sounds like what you need in the short term is some strength and courage to get through the next few days or weeks while the dust settles and you work out what's going on. This funeral will be challenging, given that it's already an emotional time, I'm sorry for your loss. Can you take a support person with you to the funeral, if there's not someone with you already? Making a plan for how you're going to get through the day beforehand might be a good idea too.

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Happygoluckymiss — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 00:44:03 GMT

You’re most welcome shazzy.

I still don’t want mine to end either. I know this all too well. I still hope that he has the light bulb moment and realises this. I am thinking of you and sending much kindness and a big hug.

- happygoluckymiss

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Shazzy62 — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 00:48:53 GMT

Thanks x Do you have any ideas on how to make it work? What have you tried?

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Shazzy62 — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 00:50:22 GMT

Yes thank you x

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Happygoluckymiss — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 01:19:55 GMT

My darling girl

no I don’t. I needed to stop contacting him and I respectfully asked him to stop contacting me. Because it was like old times, but we were not together - and this messed with my head and heart.

To give you context: I fell pregnant, terminated and this all got too much for him and I. i love him and miss him every day but I know that it’s not healthy and perhaps my new normal is me - for a while. He had a lot of stuff going on too. But, I still love him and miss him and hope he finds happiness. Just as I will again. It’s tough and crappy and if I could make it go away I would. I can’t. I’ve accepted responsibility and accountability for myself and I can’t force him to love me or be with me. It does not work that way.

Please know I am here and always happy to chat XX

- happygoluckymiss

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Shazzy62 — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 01:35:58 GMT

You sound so strong! How do you think I should be tomorrow at the funeral when I see him, I know I need to be strong and appear happy, but then I think I will fall in a heap

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Happygoluckymiss — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 02:00:44 GMT

Hey shazzy

your post brought me to tears. Thank you - that’s a good thing! Strong is something I have had to learn (very hard lessons) prior to this relationship I was in toxic marriage (although at the time I did not see this - this is a whole other story! Verbal, mental and sometimes physical abuse....) I’m 36 too and single and starting to love me again (after a very long time)

tomorrow will be hard for you. It will be. I know this again all too well. You will be strong! YOU sound strong and it’s amazing the resilience and strength we can show when needed.

My advice: look your best and not for him but you. You deserve happiness and love my darling girl. Also as Jess suggested - bring a support person this will be helpful

- happygoluckymiss

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Shazzy62 — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 02:33:25 GMT

Thankyou so much 🙂 Can I chat to you after the funeral on Friday to let you know how it went?

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Happygoluckymiss — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 02:42:29 GMT

Absolutely and know we’re all here and happy to listen

- happygoluckymiss

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Happygoluckymiss — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 20:17:59 GMT

Hey shazzy

juat thought I’d drop in to say sending you lots of strength today and thinking of you.

- happygoluckymiss

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Shazzy62 — Fri, 15 Feb 2019 01:45:06 GMT

Thank you, he didn't end up coming to the funeral as he was stuck about 100km away ( work). I popped into the house and saw he had changed everything around-that really took me by surprise, it was like I never lived there. I have called him this morning and was so upset- that didn't help. He said what every one is saying to to achieve and make progress with goals- I'm just struggling with how to put that into practice, but I know hes right

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Happygoluckymiss — Fri, 15 Feb 2019 01:57:01 GMT

Thank you for getting back to us.

I was thinking of you yesterday. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. It would have been tough to see and hear that. I’m sorry. Truly sorry.

I too know how hard this is. I truly do. I would encourage you to you to please keep posting on here to express your emotions and maybe see your gp if it becomes overwhelming (it did for me and I am seeing GP and psychologist) this has been the best thing. I have heard from mine (yesterday) and I had a panic attack - he was kind in his message to me and he called me. It broke my heart. But, unless he’s willing to be with me then I have to maintain MY strength and keep adapting to my ‘new normal’

I hope this helps and please reach out.

- happygoluckymiss