topic Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused in Relationship and family issues

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

ABoot — Thu, 13 Dec 2018 05:12:27 GMT

Hi all

At this point in time I have been battling the last 24hrs with a range of emotions that have me thinking rationally one minute and devastated the next.

My wife of 2 years (been together 8.5 years) has said to me that she can no longer let her guilt of not loving me like she should get to her causing her anxiety and stress and has said that she has had enough and wants to separate.

As you can imagine I am extremely distraught and we also have an 8 week old baby girl which I get even more emotional about due to the fact that more than anything else in this world I love her so much and cant stand the thought of not having her in my life every day.

Our relationship has been dull since about April this year when she spoke about the same things to me, more about some behavioural traits I had and how she was not 100% convinced I would good when our baby was born. I took this pretty hard and went on the hard road of seeking help and acknowledging I had some issues. Since then have made huge improvements and she has even said that I am the perfect person that I needed to become, however Its not about that its about the fact that she has lost all spark in life and says that she is "numb" and when she looks at me she feels nothing. Which is upsetting.

she has agreed to couples counseling but I am afraid her outlook is set and it may be in vain. I can not let my family go and its tearing me apart. I love both my wife and baby more than anything else and can't see why she isnt trying the same way I am.

Any help would be appreciated.

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

Birdy77 — Thu, 13 Dec 2018 05:50:37 GMT

Dear ABoot,

I am so very sorry to hear of the incredibly painful place you are in right now. It must feel terribly frightening having the prospect of your world being tipped upside down.

I am so glad you've come here for some extra support during this time.

The thing that stands out for me, reading your post is that it sounds like your wife could be depressed.

The fact that she said she feels "numb" and "lost all spark in life" speaks to this. The fact that you have a tiny bubba in the mix makes me wonder if she may also have postnatal depression?

If she does, that makes this about a lot more than just your relationship.

To me, from what you have said here, it feels like her problems and sadness go far deeper than her feelings for you and her satisfaction with your marriage.

In my eyes, it would not be a good move for her to make such a huge decision as to separate when under the dark cloud of depression, not least because her problems will not be solved by separation if she is actually suffering with depression.

Hopefully, when you start to see the counsellor/psychologist, they will pick up on this?

I am not much help to you ABoot, I'm so sorry, but I am really glad you're here and I am really glad also that you have that counselling lined up.

Do you have family or friends that you can lean on during this time?

Thinking of you ABoot.

🌻birdy

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

Doolhof — Thu, 13 Dec 2018 06:33:45 GMT

Hi ABoot,

I too welcome you to the community. I was thinking much the same as birdy, and don't really have anything much else to add. I too hope you are able to talk this through with your wife and gain some help and understanding of what may be happening.

It may be beneficial to talk to someone at Relationships Australia for some more ideas.

You may also like to have a chat with one of the support workers at the Beyond Blue help line on 1300 22 4636.

Your wife may well be suffering from some type of depression like birdy also mentioned. When we are depressed, it is not always easy to see what is happening around us clearly.

It really sounds like you want things to work out, so I wish you all the best.

Cheers from Dools

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

ABoot — Sun, 16 Dec 2018 07:35:07 GMT

A little bit of an update.

so we went our first councillor session the other day where we were able to speak openly about the issues we are having which was good. The main things that concerned me was that my wife started talking about how she thinks that 9 years ago she may have gotten into our relationship too early after a painful breakup and has never fully let herself be 100% committed to our relarionship.

I know I can't comment on her feelings as they are hers, but I simply dont buy that excuse as our relationship was very good for the last 8 years and when I told her in understand that the spark has been lost her response was "was there really a spark?" Which again is very bizarre to me for her to say.

After we had our first miscarriage about 13 months ago I believe is when things started to slowly change. Then when we she was pregnant she came to me one day and said she feared she couldn't go through with it and had a massive freak out and wanted out of our relationship.

11 months on things seemed to settle down and we have our little girl who I also feel she is pushing to the side and not committing to fully. She said that she just cant feel the love she believes she should for her.

I am not sure what I can do at this point, she is staying in the spare bedroom at the moment and our communication is like nothing is wrong. But I want to try and rekindle things but I'm not sure how to approach it and not sure if she wants to fix things.

she said in the councilors that she wasnt sure if she wanted to fix things but committed to another 3 sessions on the day.

I'm stressed to the eyeballs at the moment

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

Hang10 — Sun, 16 Dec 2018 08:20:41 GMT

Hi Aboot,

Sadden to read your 2 posts, lots of stress, emotions and anxiety on both sides.

For you, Well done on getting the help with your issues that you mention on your first post. To address our issues takes a lot of work, sometimes two steps forward and one step back. It sounds like you in a better place of overcoming them.

For your wife a miscarriage is like a part of your wife died. Miscarriages are still hidden and not spoken about as much in society and I think this has caused her to question everything and what meaning has anymore.

With your baby beening born recently the guilt may be that she feel that she has replaced her miscarriage baby too soon and not respected the miscarriage baby enough like it was not important.

Your wife would love your baby so much. With you having hard times recently maybe she feels you not understand or can’t cope with the emotions she currently going thru.

Try to support her as much as you can. Little extra help in her life will get you both times to look after each other.

I hope you both can get thru this.

Take care

Hang10.

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

ABoot — Sun, 16 Dec 2018 09:23:49 GMT

I also forgot to mention that during this birth she nearly died.. was in ICU for 3 days.. one of the main things she made a point of saying is that when she came back up to the ward after 4 days she didnt once think how I was feeling or doing, didnt thank me, kiss me or hug me. (I didnt even have any of that cross my mind as I was just concerned about her and making sure I was looking after our baby girl as well)

Another thing is that we have never really talked about any issues. We have a fairly non troublesome relationship and very rarely argue or raise our voices.

At the moment I feel like I am tip toeing around and there are so many y things I want to speak with her about but am fearful of pushing her away further (at the moment that doesnt even feel possible)

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

Doolhof — Sun, 16 Dec 2018 22:03:25 GMT

Hi Aboot,

If you don't mind me asking, how was your relationship before the miscarriage and the next pregnancy?

Has she mentioned the pregnancy situations during the counselling sessions?

As a female who has experienced pregnancy loss, I do understand how confusing it can all become and how messed up in the head you can feel at times. It may well be your wife is still feeling grief for the baby who did not live and may not realise it.

This sense of grief can compound and add to all kinds of complications and confusion.

It sounds like you are trying your best! Could you just all go out for a drive somewhere, go for a walk and not talk about serious stuff?

Is there somewhere your wife used to enjoy going?

Not talking deeply about stuff can make it really difficult to do so when the need arises as it seems to have done now. My husband and I just skim over stuff. In built it has built up resentment I don't know how to handle sometimes!

My heart goes out to you all! I do so hope the counselling helps and you are able to find ways to gain a greater sense of inner peace in the turmoil.

Cheers from Dools

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

ABoot — Mon, 17 Dec 2018 00:07:01 GMT

Our relationship before the miscarriage was fantastic. She was so enthusiastic about us being parents. We had just bought our new place which was perfect for children to grow up in and we did alot together that made us happy.

in the sessions she didnt mention it directly. I brought it up as I thought it was something the councillor should know about due to its significance in our lives.

I have tried to ask her to do things with me. For example I asked her if she would like to go and have something to eat on Friday at a resteraunt we both like. I was met with a strange look and she asked me not to ask her those questions. I felt totally embarrased and like deer in the headlights. I sent her a message when I got to work and just said I was sorry and she wrote back saying not to be sorry but the thought of spending time alone with me makes her uncomfortable.

I dont understand where these feelings are coming from. I feel like I am someone she has just met in the street, not her partner of 9 years, husband of 2 years and the father of our daughter.

I wrote back and said that it was disappointing as i just wanted to see if she wanted to get out of the house just the 2 of us and try to enjoy ourselves. I said I would not push her on it but I hoped she would take my offer up soon.

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

bmacca64 — Mon, 17 Dec 2018 02:32:06 GMT

Hi Aboot, very sorry to hear about the relationship issues which you are currently facing. Birdy77 mentioned that your wife could be depressed being married to wife with bipolar depression and I was thinking along the same lines.

Everything else you mentioned about her lacking affection, feeling numb and you feeling more like someone on the street not a partner of 9 years and husband of 2 (scarily similar to me, 9 years and 3years) is the same. Fortunately we still talk but she says it feels like we are mates not husband and wife.

All I can suggest is to try and get your wife assessed for depression. My wife has just received a referral to a psychiatrist to reassess her medications to see if this is causing her lack of feelings. It may be good if your wife's GP can do the same.

Best of luck in this horrible situation.

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

ABoot — Mon, 17 Dec 2018 05:33:58 GMT

Depression and Anxiety does run in her family as her father was diagnosed and has had it for 15+ years.

I dont know how to approach the subject with her though. She is a very strong willed woman, well educated and wouldn't believe it even if it was right there in front of her.

As I mentioned I am not sure if I give her some space and keep supporting her or start pushing and asking some harder questions.

At the moment she is staying in the spare bedroom but ever other aspect of our lives together is the same. Just no physical encounters

I just feel like if I leave her alone it will get more and more like we are housemates and not husband and wife

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

ABoot — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 10:34:59 GMT

Well today it all came to a head and we broke it off. I am absolutely gutted, empty and broken. I received a message from a random person saying my wife had been hanging out with another guy. I confronted her about it and she confirmed she had been confiding in him as he listened to her when she was upset.

I asked her why she didnt come to me and she simply said she didn't feel.comfortable. The thing that upsets me is she is so emotionless. Totally disengaged and doesnt see what she is doing is wrong and it's not the best thing for our 8 week little girl.

The most upsetting thing for me is i know that i eventually wont get to see all of the moment with my beautiful little girl. It's all good to say we can work it out with her schedule but it never happens like that. I live every day for my baby girl and it tears my heart apart thinking about her growing up in a broken family and me missing out on things. It's not fair on her. She doesnt deserve this.

I honestly do not know where to start in life. What do I do? Where do I go? What do I need to raise my little girl? I am just lost.

It's the most pain i have ever felt.

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

Doolhof — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 10:47:04 GMT

Dear ABoot,

I am so very sorry to read what has happened. I am sure you are understandably hurt, confused and don't know what to do.

I'm not sure who to suggest you talk to in regards to finding out what your rights are and where you all stand in this situation.

Are you able to stay in the same house or has she asked you to move out? I'm not sure what your legal rights are. Is it possible for you to stay even if it means a huge change in your relationship?

Is it possible for you to look after your daughter and find care for her when you are at work? You have as much right to see your daughter as your wife does.

I'm sorry I'm not much help to you, I feel so sorry for all of you, that you have been broadsided with this information must be devastating.

Your sense of pain is very understandable. Wish I had some helpful suggestions!

Regards from Dools

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

ABoot — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 02:16:22 GMT

Here is abit of an update from over the last 2 weeks.

We are still living in the same house and the thing i find confusing is that when we are doing just normal everyday things its like our relationship has never changed. We still cook dinner, eat together, do groceries together etc. She is sleeping in another room but other than that things seem normal (also no sexual contact)

As i mentioned in a previous post she said that she had feelings for another (much younger guy) who she had spoken with about the issues she said she was having at home. However since some of her friends have confronted her about it she has come to be and said that there isnt anything and never have been anything going on. She knows the feelings were false and she was in a desperate situation and he was the only one that asked her what was wrong.

Here is where things get a little strange though. About 2.5 weeks ago she told me she had bought some underwear (i didnt think anything of it) then when i was putting the washing away i found this underwear set. Now they are not underwear as i expected but more XXX bedtime underwear (get my drift). So i confronted her about it and she said to me "i told you i bought them, you signed for them when they were delivered and i told you to not open them because we had people around" Which i totally remember. She then went onto say that she bought them because she wanted to dress in them for me, but then basically talked herself out of it and thought she would look silly in them and it was a stupid idea.

I talked to her about about this and said to her that her buying them pretty much goes against everything she has been saying to me,. Why would she buy these intimate underwear if she couldnt stand the sight of me and "didn't ever really find me attractive" as she threw at me the other day. I then asked her "whats the difference between 2.5 weeks ago and now, if you wanted to do it why didnt you just do it", she responded by basically asking me a open ended question about if i thought it would be weird if we had sex, to which i said "no it wouldnt, we have been together 10 years, married for 2.5 and have a daughter"

It was like she definitely wanted to go and get intimate. But then the other side came out and she said "No i have talked myself out of this relationship a year ago.. i couldnt do it.. could I?

I didn't push it. I was more trying to understand what was going on than making an advance.

She has also been to her GP who has diagnosed her with extreme Anxiety and she is going to a psychologist later in the month. Also has started Anxiety medication straight away which has only been a few days and is making her feel a little off at the moment. She has also admitted to her family she feels really depressed at the moment. But doesnt know if its post natal or depression that's been around for a lot longer as its historically in her family.

It just seems she has said some of the most horrible things to be such as she never has found me attractive, she cant stand the sight of me and she feels sick when we are alone together in the same room, but her actions dont replicate that. What she is doing is not what someone would do if they genuinely thought those things.

At the moment I am probably more confused than ever. It just doenst all make any sense.

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

Doolhof — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 05:50:24 GMT

Hi ABoot,

When my head has been really messed up I have acted similarly to your wife! I want one thing but act in a totally different way! I had no idea what was going on in my head, let alone my husband trying to understand me!

Hopefully the medication will have a positive effect soon and she will begin to feel more balanced out.

It must be really tough standing on the side lines not knowing what to do or what to think.

Recently I bought myself some nice clothing and my husband asked me who I was dressing up for. I told him it was for me, so I felt better about how I see myself. I'm not sure if he believed me or not as we didn't talk about it further.

How do you think your wife would react if you went to her room one night? Maybe just sit there and chat with her. Take her in a cup of tea or a drink of her choice. See what happens.

Maybe ask her to show you the underwear and see if she will put it on for you. No harm in asking!

Find ways to look after yourself in all of this.

All the best from Dools

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

Rubix — Sat, 05 Jan 2019 02:36:34 GMT

I applaud your efforts and patience in trying to resolve the difficulties you have (relatively) recently encountered in your marriage. I can imagine how you would have felt blindsided by your wife's revelations. Even more stressful given that you likely envisage this time of your life to be one of the most amazing phases you could experience (newborn).

Being told by your spouse that they married for the wrong reasons or that they were never really attracted to you in the first place can be incredibly hurtful. Though when depressed or angry we can say things designed to push people away but which aren't necessarily true. Any failed marriage could probably throw up the same comments. The likelihood of knowing in advance you aren't marrying for the 'right reasons' (visa etc) are probably quite low.

What I particularly wanted to caution you about relates to the underwear. By all means give her the benefit of the doubt but don't completely discount the less palatable scenario. I say this only because I'd hate for you to get further blindsided (having been there myself). I think we can be guilty of blocking things out because we want an ideal so badly.

In my case after we split I told my wife I was working on being a better me and would make it up to her. I went and got personal counselling. I would come up and help out around the house. I bought her some gifts. I would give her 1-3hr long massages as we watched tv together. I helped her when she wanted to start working out (having been at a high level of competitive aerobic racing myself). I would come up to watch the kids so that she could go out with the school mums, as she had never had an independent social life prior and I felt that was a big reason for our deterioration. Colleagues and forums were telling me to be careful. I asked her about it and she swore on our kids lives multiple times there was no one. I defended her when people continued to quiz me. How wrong I turned out to be.

I'm new to this forum so I don't really know what's acceptable in terms of playing devil's advocate. I'm sure the purpose is to support so creating paranoia may be unacceptable. Some of your comments concern me though. I don't pretend to know how people suffering from post-natal depression might behave. I just want to ensure you leave some protective layers in place. I hope I'm wrong and I wish you well.

Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

towalkon — Sat, 05 Jan 2019 05:44:54 GMT

Hello Aboot

What an awful awful thing to be going through. I am so sorry to hear of your current trauma.

Sharing a bit about what happened in my life years ago might be of some assistance to you. In an effort to 'fix' my husband at the time I called an organisation called MENDS in Brisbane which stands for Men Enduring Divorce and Separation. I think they still exist. If not, there might be others by now. Three appointments were scheduled by me, three were cancelled by him. I was convinced he was working too hard and his outbursts and lack of care and concern for me and our children were due to maybe a depressive illness or something. He was also drinking heavily. I was literally raising our family on my own. During this time I spoke with the psychologist on the phone who towards the end of the conversation asked me how was I doing. I broke down. I ended up getting counselling myself which helped me along a tough and long road that resulted in our marriage ending. We had four children together and the youngest was nearly 3. That psychologist taught me that I had to take care of me for my children's sake and let my adult husband be responsible and make choices for himself. I was reluctant and hung on and hung on and gave him chance after chance hoping it would all come good. But it didn't.

In the end I learned my husband was involved with another woman who was about 10 years younger than me and that reality was to seal the coffin of our marriage.

Like Rubix I am new on this site so hope this does not upset you for flipping it over to what the reality might be for you and the possibility of your wife having an affair, while also at the same time understanding and acknowledging there is the possibility that her treatment of you is because she is suffering from a significant mental illness.

Either way, you need support. For me, professional assistance helped me along what was a difficult road as I had to continue working full time through all of my marriage breakdown as well and he had skipped town with her as well.

Perhaps you could arrange a Mental Health Care Plan with your GP and access Medibank subsidised clinical psychology care. Be kind to yourself. Don't be afraid to do this for yourself. I'm going through a rough trot currently and am seeking professional assistance again. It is the courageous who seek help and your relationship with your daughter and the mother of your daughter will benefit while everything unfolds as it will.