topic Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed in Relationship and family issues

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Cabbage_Patch_Kid — Sat, 07 Jul 2018 11:42:47 GMT

I’ve been suffering depression pretty badly for the last 8 months but I’ve notices another side effect is that I get irrationally attachéd to guys I’ve only met or been with a few times. It doesn’t seem to matter whether I think I have a future or whether he’s a decent guy. I recently called time on one such casual relationship as I was getting hurt as he was with others and had no feelings for me. I knew it would not have a future and it was sex based. However I feel devastated and I can’t explain it. My friends and family don’t understand. It’s like we were together for years. This is not the first time this has happened either. I end up scaring guys away. Has anyone experienced this or have any advice. I’ve tried to explain my headspace but he’s not interested. He’s blocked me. In the past it’s taken so much time to get over guys.

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

PamelaR — Sat, 07 Jul 2018 14:47:48 GMT

Hello Cabbage Patch Kid

Welcome again. I've responded to one of your other posts under depression. It might be good to try to keep to the one thread Cabbage Patch Kid. It helps to get the best support you need as the people responding will get a better picture of your story.

So am I right that you think when you get depressed you attach yourself to guys. You say this is irrational. What makes you think that?

Relationship breakups are horrible and that feeling of devastation is normal. I used to be the same before I met my partner. Always thought how terrible I was, that I wasn't good enough, that I was to clingy. What is it that makes you think scares guys away?

Keep reaching out Kid if and when you want to. You're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

geoff — Sat, 07 Jul 2018 18:37:57 GMT

Hello Cabbage Patch Kid, I think this happens quite a lot, people who are depressed seek out someone from the opposite sex and hope they can help them, but when nothing does happen and the person you have attached yourself to only wants to be satisfied in return, the relationship is not going to work out.

The feelings you are going to get are loneliness, anger, grief, and disappointment and I'm sorry this is adding on to how you were feeling beforehand and perhaps making you feel worse.

Can I suggest that instead of attaching yourself to someone hoping they will be the magical cure that you contact Reachout and/or Headspace as well as booking an appointment with your GP.

You need to look after yourself first of all, this will give you the strength you need.

I haven't been much help to you, so maybe if you could get back to us then we can try and assist you further.

Geoff.

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Cabbage_Patch_Kid — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 00:38:23 GMT

Thanks PamelaR for replying. I scare guys away because they’ve told me so. I get clingy and make them my whole world and so desperately want it to work. They have full lives and don’t seem to feel the same. When it doesn’t work out I get devastated.

i guess I feel like it’s irrational how strong I fall for guys. However I know I’m my harshest critic so maybe I just need to accept that I love strongly and fully and that’s ok. But it also means it will take longer to get over.

thanks Geoff for replying too. I know I need to look after myself first. This guy now having left my life means there’s no men at all romantically etc in it. It’s the first time for ages. It’s daunting and I feel alone and panicked sometimes but I know it’s the only way to move forward.

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Cabbage_Patch_Kid — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 03:29:01 GMT

PamelaR in relation to your other question as to what has made my depression worse. 2 years ago I witnessed an in idnet at work where a 2 year old girl was injured by a fallen branch in a freak storm. I saw it picked her up and thought she was dead. Long story short she’s ok now but ended up in an induced coma and in hospital for 6 weeks had to relearn to talk and walk. I ended up with ptsd only diagnosed last year

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Juliet_84 — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 08:40:47 GMT

Hi Cabbage Patch Kid,

Firstly, I want to say not to be too hard on yourself, you may feel things more quickly or deeply than some people, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Also, despite feeling things quite deeply, good on you for having the courage to call time on something casual that was hurting you. I think a lot of people develop feelings for someone who strings them along or wants something casual and it can be very hard to break free of.

That being said, feeling things too quickly and deeply can have a negative effect on you, which is not great for you. This may just be the way you love or it may have something to do with your depression. Sometimes we fall for someone early, before really knowing them, because of what they represent. You want them to be something so badly, or want to be happy and settled so badly, that you project that onto them, even if it may not even be them. I think that we can’t rely on someone to meet all of our needs, that has to come from within, and I think that’s why some people seem to be less invested. They have a full happy life outside of the relationship so are comfortable to be on their own until they find the right person. I think you need to start working on developing your life outside of a relationship. Do you have a hobby that makes you happy? Friendships in your life that you can cultivate? Work interests etc? If not, I think that may be a good place to start, and then you’ll find your placing less pressure on your relationship to meet all your needs.

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Cabbage_Patch_Kid — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 09:25:20 GMT

Juliet_84 thanks for your response. Also thank you for the encouragement for ending the relationship. I tried for as long as I could to do it and went back a few times but it started to consume my thoughts all the time. Only recently have I said goodbye for good and the guy has actually blocked me from contacting him (not in a mean way but just because he could see I had feelings and was hurt and didn’t want to deal with it and didn’t want it to be dragged on) which in turn is the best thing he could have done. Unlike me he has a very full life (somewhat messy and complicated) and because of my depression and ptsd related to work I haven’t worked full time for about 18 months and I have too much time and have placed too much emphasis on relationships.

Ypu summed it up when you said that “Sometimes we fall for someone early, before really knowing them, because of what they represent. You want them to be something so badly, or want to be happy and settled so badly, that you project that onto them, even if it may not even be them.”

i am desperate to have someone a family and happy and settled that it means I fall for anyone and it doesn’t seem to be about that articulate guy, but the feelings are real.

You’re right I do need to focus on making me and my life happy and fulfilled. I like basketball swimming and the beach. I like watching tv and movies and travelling and going out to dinner. All this stuff has kind of gone by the wayside because of my depression and not having the energy or feeling ok. But I need to get back to this so that I don’t turn to another guy to rescue me and try to fulfill my needs. I need to make my life fulfilled so that I can be happy as me doing atuff I like. I have a tendency to get carried away with whatever the guy wants and become too accommodating.

thanks again

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Juliet_84 — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 10:24:31 GMT

Hi Cabbage Patch Kid,

Good on you!!! I know I don’t know you, but for what it’s worth, I’m so proud of you lol. It takes A LOT of guts to leave someone who you care for when you know it’s going to hurt like hell, because you know it’s the right thing for you to do.

That’s great that you have hobbies, even if you have let them go, at least it will be easier to re-start rather than start fresh. I think you have been giving a lot to people who may not have deserved it, and I think it’s important to start looking after number 1 for awhile!

I also understand wanting something so badly that you project it onto someone else. But unfortunately as hard as you project onto the wrong person, they are still the wrong person. We have a saying at work and it also actually applies to relationships as well that “sometimes you’ll go faster if you go slower”. I think we can be in such a rush to have something that we pick the wrong person or try and make it work with them, but in the end it just wastes more of our time. So, as hard as it is, I think you need to try and hold out for the right person.

I can tell by reading your posts that you have insight into your mind, which is great. You sound committed to wanting a brighter future and I think you know how to get there. You just need to have faith that you deserve happiness and keep this in focus (which can be easier said that done at the start of a relationship!). Please check in whenever you need or want to talk things through. I truly wish you all the best xx

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Cabbage_Patch_Kid — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 13:02:31 GMT

Thank you for saying such nice and supportive things. It’s so kind of you. I know I’ve been beating myself up for not leaving the guy earlier and going back to him and I feel like I haven’t received much support or understanding from friends and family as they don’t get my feelings and going back to him etc

You are so right regardless of everything the wrong person is still the wrong person and he is the wrong person. I know in Time I’ll be able to see my worth and hold out for someone good.

But for now I’m just going to focus on me and my life and trying to build it back up again. I have given too much to people who don’t appreciate it or who don’t reciprocate often at the expense of myself and I don’t want to do that anymore. Regardless of how many times I fall or take backwards steps I’ll just keep moving forward.

Thanks so much 😊

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Terry73 — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 14:52:38 GMT

I just wanted to say that you are not the only one out there that does this, I know I do this, but I also know it is just who I am and I wont change it (speaking of myself of course). I am always very optimistic, but I know that is a 2 edged sword. Firstly its good point is where you go into a relationship 100%, and show your heart, scars and all, without holding back, but its bad point is when it is not right with the other person, you get hit hard by the emotions of rejection, you question "why dont they just look at all the good you have?" I know that very well.

I now deal with it in a very different way, without changing who I am, its something I have advised before, but unsure if it works for them, it may not work for you too but unless you try, you wont know and it wont hurt to try. This is what works for me, After countless dating and getting nowhere, I finally sat myself down, by myself, and thought real honestly who I really want in my life, from physical appearance, to personalities, what kind of people I was attracted to, what things were crucial for me to find in a partner, what I can compromise on and what I could not live with either. Everything that mattered to me I listed, then I looked at what would make me attractive to those types of people, what I could truly offer them.

I know this is working for me, even though the results dont show it as I am still looking to find someone, but when I think I have found someone, I go out on a date and probe the date with questions to find the qualities I seek, as well as wait for them to ask certain questions from me. The date becomes more of an interview, which may sound bad, but its still is romantic and a fun social outing, there usually is something that you share in interests with the person, so even "failures" tend to end up with new friends. The bonus is the "failure" doesnt hurt as much, instead you only feel slightly disappointed that it didnt work out, after all, you still had a good time out, you still made a new friend. The thing is, you know, when you find someone that does fill all those parts you want in a partner, you have really found someone worth all your time and effort in the past.

I guess what I am trying to say is search for what you want and go for it, if the other person isnt into you, then just accept that the same as you would want someone to accept that you are not interested in them.

Terry

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Terry73 — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 15:02:30 GMT

I wanted to add, but ran out of space, that with the list, you have to be specific, as we all want someone caring, loyal, funny etc. Specific I mean by things like what morals would you want them to be with, should they be more family minded or more independent? what kind of humor do you want them to generally have (dry wit, cheeky, dad jokes, etc), if you want them a blokey person or more a compassionate type of person, more outgoing or more into spending quiet quality time? someone that wears their heart on a sleeve, or someone more strong to hold things together?

Of course they could be both sides here, but which is more what you want as we are either more one side than the other.

I do hope this works for you

Terry

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Cabbage_Patch_Kid — Mon, 09 Jul 2018 05:11:00 GMT

Terry thanks for the advice. I have done the list thing previously but I think on reflection it wasn’t detailed or specific enough. It also didn’t focus enough of what I really want and what my needs are as me (being emotional big hearted etc). Thanks for the tip to make it so. I will work on this foe the next 6-12 months while I build my life back and recover from depression. At this point in time I don’t want a guy in my life at all. I want to just focus on me and only me.

Thanks again

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Terry73 — Wed, 11 Jul 2018 05:59:02 GMT

I understand you dont want anyone in your life right now, and that is fine, what I suggest isnt only for the sake of getting back into the dating scene, but more a way to discover and acknowledge what you want in life, what makes you happy and most of all, what makes you being yourself. I have learned that being yourself is always the best way to get happy and maintain happiness, it also let you prepare for an unexpected turn of events, for example, if a good man does walk into your life, you are more in a frame of mind to assess him rightly rather than let things go past because you are recovering from a past.

I am sorry if I didnt make that clear before, this task is just more a way to get back in touch with what you want, what will get you back on track to where you were before the problems arose, and even before dating when young.

I do hope it helps, it has helped me, and I do feel better about it, as it helps me cope with life better, makes me focus on things that we all really need to focus on, ourselves and where we want to go. That is not meant in a selfish way either, it is merely a way to be prepared and to help avoid issues from repeating in the future.

Terry

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Cabbage_Patch_Kid — Sat, 14 Jul 2018 03:16:34 GMT

HI Terry

sorry I should have made it clearer that I was working on a list of things I want in my life and for me. I know this is the only way to make me happy. From that then it can build if a guy appears in my life.

Thanks again

Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed

Terry73 — Sat, 14 Jul 2018 11:27:21 GMT

That sounds Great that you doing that, keep trying to get those things done on that list that you want, work towards it, and while you are doing that, hopefully that will help you get into a happier way of life, at least its better than being depressed and stuck thinking of it right? I hope things go well for you always, and that you are able to follow all your goals and dreams