topic My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore in Relationship and family issues

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

38yearold — Tue, 11 Dec 2018 21:23:02 GMT

Hi all,

So my wife told me 8 days ago she isn’t in love with me anymore. We have booked some immediate counselling sessions, but she is cold, uninterested and won’t let me in.

We have a 5 year old boy. The consequences will be huge for him and financially as well.

I have been through so many emotions, fear, depression, anxiety and anger.

Not sure what to do. Looking for some guidance and support from you the community.

Many thanks in advance.

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

Peppermintbach — Tue, 11 Dec 2018 21:28:48 GMT

Hi 38yearold,

I’m so sorry to hear that. You must be feeling so heartbroken and devastated...

As you said, you’ve been through a whirlwind of mixed emotions, and no wonder too...it’s heartwrenching news for you and your 5 year old boy...

I think it’s very brave that you booked in some counselling though. Is it okay if I ask whether it’s something you plan to continue long-term? Maybe with a bit of time (and more counselling), your wife will open up a bit more...

My thoughts are with you today....

Pepper

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

38yearold — Tue, 11 Dec 2018 22:49:00 GMT

Thank you so much Pepper.

I am in no doubt I want to continue the relationship, I see a future with my wife and will do whatever it takes to fix the issues.

However, that seems out of my control, my wife is distant, won't kiss me, won't cuddle in bed, she has a wall built all the way around her and I can't get in.

She is clearly depressed herself, and has been for a long time, but is resistant to seek help.

I have tried flowers, massages and sweet messages. All of those things made it worse and she pulled back even more. It is extremely hard as I don't know what she wants and whether she sees a long term future. We have been together for 12 years.

Just trying to take a day at a time......

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

IsaJett — Tue, 11 Dec 2018 23:08:39 GMT

Hi 38 year old

welcome to this post and I feel like I like I can relate how u feel ..but it be different .

I was with the husband ...a super long time .,together 24 years ..but that doesn’t change anything for u ..but here’s what might help u ...

i thought my world would end ..it would halt ..my kid would suffer and all that ..i felt carpet under me was being ripped off . I just was lost in darkness.

but months later after split ...I felt way way better . I made the decision to end it ..cos put simply I just couldn’t handle it anymore ..mine was involving an affair .

i know u r doing counselling etc ..I almost pushed for counselling only to have him sit in there with his arms folded ..saying how much he wants to be with this other woman . I’m like ..oh that’s just bloody awesome .

u know ..I felt my heart ripped out and stumped on ...and then put in the mincer ....

so now I realise that I was so hard on the idea of not losing him ..I lost myself completely ..my pride my ego all down the drain ...I allowed myself to be a carpet he wiped his dirty feet on . The thing that pulled me through was my son ...I was not emotionally there for my son ...I could not get myself out of bed to take him to school ...and that’s when I somehow miraculously pushed through my grave and was reborn ,

that is my story ...I hope u know that as much as the situation sucks so badly right now .,it will definitely get bettter ..it always does ....it’s the universe workings ..don’t ask me how ..

my Pyschologist said that to me ,.and I thought she was just saying it to make me feel better ...but she wasn’t ...lol

it does get better .. love hurts ...but it hurt less when u learn about the art of letting go . Letting go really isn’t such a bad thing ,

the fear of letting go is what is creating the chaos ...pay attention to that ..and u see it will change your perspective . I hope this helps you . Well wishes .

stay well ...I remember doing yoga helped me ..and meditation talk down videos by Jason Stephenson I hope this can help u too ..search him up on YouTube ,,u get some clarity and know how to move forward ,and some much needed sleep

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

Birdy77 — Tue, 11 Dec 2018 23:11:24 GMT

Dear 38yearold,

What a world of hurt you must be in right now. I'm really sorry to hear of what's happened.

As your wife is pulling back from the physical contact and romance, this could be a symptom of her depression as much as anything else, and maybe holding back from the cuddles, etc might be on the cards just for now.

Have you been able to have a proper talk yet, about how you can forward? Falling "out of love" can be pretty common, but there are ways back to a loving life together ... I'm wondering if you've been able to have discussions based around how you can get back to where you once were, or finding new ground to build a new, stronger bond of love.

If not, this could be something the counsellor could help you with?

Breaking up is a massive thing to do, especially when it's only wanted on one side ... I really hope your wife is able to at least consider some different ways of rebuilding the love, it's got to be worth a try?

Like lovely Pepper, you are in my thoughts today too.

🌻birdy

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

Birdy77 — Tue, 11 Dec 2018 23:35:35 GMT

Sorry IsaJett,

your post was not there when I was replying to 38yearold.

I did not mean to not acknowledge your post. You tell a courageous story of rebirth and hope.

Thank you for sharing your story from a hopeful and positive perspective.

🌻birdy

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

Doolhof — Tue, 11 Dec 2018 23:46:07 GMT

Hi 38 year old,

I'm just wanting to offer you a sense of support and to let you know that people here do care. You have received some great responses.

I too hope the counselling will provide answers and solutions.

I'm also wondering if your boy has any inclination as to what is happening between the two of you. It may be important to reinforce how much he is loved and cared for. Children can be very perceptive even if they don't understand what is happening.

Is your wife receiving any help and assistance with her depression?

It does sound like you have tried many things to show her how much you care.

Wish you all the best.

Cheers from Dools

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

38yearold — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 01:17:48 GMT

Thank you for you response it really was helpful.

Yes she used the old analogy that "she loves me, but isn't in love with me". She also says she feels like we are more flat mates raising a child rather than lovers, which is true and I can see where she is coming from.

At the moment our little boy is priority number 1 and he has no idea anything is going on, which is great. I am spending a lot of time with him making sure he is cared for, trying to keep myself sane, but my wife I can not help. She is resistant to me and anything I try. Like I said before I am just giving her space and telling her I will be there if she needs me.

My wife has been to the GP twice and was not prescribed anti-depressants. The GP said because she knows the cause of her depression that is different than being sad for no reason. As for other assistance, only the councillor we are seeing tomorrow for our second session.

Her moods over the past 8 days have been extremely unpredictable, on Monday she stated she wanted to try and work things out; however, on Tuesday she said she thinks she is done.

So I am still in the dark as to what she wants. Hopefully the counselling will make things clearer.

Thank you for the support. It really helps.

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

Peppermintbach — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 20:58:17 GMT

Hi 38yearold (and a wave to all your lovely supporters here),

I feel this must be such a confusing and painful time for you. I would think you’re possibly feeling as though you’re walking on eggshells as it’s hard to predict her changing mood/needs...

You sound like a wonderful parent. You’re clearly very devoted and loving. Your son is very lucky to have you in his life.

You clearly also love your wife very much. I admire your willingness to try to work things out...

As beautiful birdy and the other lovely people here have touched on (waves to Isajett, Dools and all), sometimes depression can mean we shut people out. I’m not saying your wife is the same as me, but I definitely have a tendency to do that too when I’m in a bad emotional state. I suppose what I’m saying is sometimes depression means we end up accidentally hurting those we love...

I hope your second counselling session goes well today. If you feel it helps to write here, please feel free to do so and let us know how things progress with your wife and son.

kind thoughts to you today.

Pepper

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

Burdy — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 23:43:19 GMT

Hi 38yearold and everyone,

So sorry to hear you are going through this time of confusion and pain. Sounds like you love your wife very much and are doing what you can to support her and your son.

I can not really give any advice more than what others have already but just wanted to say thank you for sharing and please keep using this space to reach out and for support, it is an amazing network of beautiful people.

In other words, as much as you are wonderfully supporting your wife and son don't forget to look after yourself through this as well.

Glad to hear you both have chosen to attend counseling and that it helps you both to work through this as a family and individually.

Things may get worse before they get better but they will always get better, no matter the outcome.

Burdy

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

38yearold — Thu, 13 Dec 2018 02:58:41 GMT

Thank you everyone for the support, it means a lot!

We have our second counselling session today. I am predicting it to go badly as I think a lot of stuff will come out.

I will update you all tomorrow.

The support means a lot!

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

Doolhof — Thu, 13 Dec 2018 05:58:35 GMT

Sometimes the hard stuff has to be said, the bad goes with the good and muck can be flung before restoration happens!

All the best!

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

Birdy77 — Fri, 14 Dec 2018 07:07:57 GMT

Hello 38yearold,

I was just wondering how you are, how things are going, and how things went with the 2nd counselling session.

We're here to support you if you need to unpack your feelings.

I hope you are ok.

🌻birdy

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

Doolhof — Fri, 14 Dec 2018 23:55:31 GMT

Hi, I too hope you are doing okay.

This time of year can put a lot of pressure on people regardless if you are having relationship issues or not.

Hope you can find ways to look after yourself in all of this!

Cheers from Dools

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

38yearold — Sat, 15 Dec 2018 09:18:08 GMT

Hi Birdy.

Thank you for checking in on me. So the second counselling session was hard. She said her head is telling her to stay with me, but her gut says it’s over.

The counsellor was great and explained to us with our personality types how we got to this stage.

I have since moved out with my little boy, we are currently staying with my sister in Brisbane. He loves being with his cousins and he is my main priority. We are giving my wife space to make her choice. It is out of my control now and I have begun planning for the worst. The counsellor has asked her to see my wife by herself on Monday, so that should reveal a lot.

It is really difficult at this time of year especially, but like I said, it’s all about my boy at this stage.

Thank you to everyone for the support, it really means a lot.

I will keep you all updated x

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

bmacca64 — Sat, 15 Dec 2018 10:21:01 GMT

Hi 38yearold, I can assure you are not alone in this. I am going through the exact same situation with my wife of three years whom I love unconditionally. She gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore", "you're my best friend but I feel as though we are housemates" lines as well. Fortunately we don't have children to get caught up in this mess. My wife has moved out but in a positive move she has suggested that she might move back in next week but "into the spare room first and see how it goes." I do see and speak to her regularly and she has come around for dinner twice in the past week but I keep getting mixed signals, one day she will kiss me on the lips and hug me and the next it's a turn of the head and "you can kiss my forehead." She has bipolar and is on depression medication and mood stabilisers so I just put these changes down to her not knowing what is going on in her head. She even said to me "you can't get into my head so you don't know how confusing it is." I want her to get better, preferably as a part of our marriage but if I had to choose between our marriage and her being healthy, I'll put her welfare first every time.

She has booked tickets for us to go to the movies tomorrow night in a positive move.

We too saw a marriage counsellor but my wife wasn't too much into it and all she kept repeating was "he's my best mate and I want him in my life forever but I'm not in love with him anymore."

I have been seeing a psychologist to help me process it all. It has been a great help.

I'm telling you all this to let you know that you don't feel as though you are alone. All I can say 38yearold is to make sure you take care of your own mental health for the sake of yourself and your son.

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

38yearold — Sat, 15 Dec 2018 21:11:24 GMT

Thank you bmacca64 for your story. I had no idea how common this sort of thing was before I started talking openly about it. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been through marriage counselling, every single one of my friends has been through it, but never spoke about it until I did.

Most of their issues were around cheating and the majority of them are still together. Mine is a little bit different as it involves my wife completely disconnecting.

As you said, I have to look after my own well-being. I too have my threshold which I am approaching. I can’t wait for her forever, but at the same time, she doesn’t need an ultimatum at this point.

Thanks for your story.

Look after yourself!

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

38yearold — Mon, 17 Dec 2018 00:31:34 GMT

Hi everyone,

So today I am feeling a lot calmer and I feel like I am thinking a lot more clearly about things.

My feelings are these at the moment and would like some feedback as to whether these feelings are normal:

1. Anger as to the way I have been treated.

2. Doubts, I am actually doubting whether I want to go back into the relationship.

3. Beginning to plan for the next relationship. I feel guilty for this as I have been in a relationship for 12 years and I am already googling relationship websites and planning on how to meet new women.

4. Fear, of potentially going on dates and trying to meet new people. I don’t even know how to talk to women anymore!!!!!!

Are these feelings normal??

THANKS TEAM!

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

bmacca64 — Mon, 17 Dec 2018 00:58:32 GMT

Hi 38yearold. In my humble opinion your feelings are 100% normal as I am having exactly the same feelings.

1. Anger as I know I have done nothing wrong except love my wife unconditionally and it feels as though at every turn she sticks a metaphorical dagger in my heart. It seems two steps forward then two steps back and we end up in the same place we started.

2. Doubts. Yep, after one failed marriage (she skipped off with her first boyfriend who she reconnected with after 26 years) and another looking very shaky, I am growing very cynical on relationships. Also the dark part of my mind wonders why would anyone want to spend time with a two time loser!

3. I hate being alone. The physical and emotional closeness of another human being is what I crave. Even though I say this episode has made me cynical of relationship I do crave affection.

4. Fear, yes the fear of rejection or even worse the fear of meeting someone and then it ending up the same way. That is always in the back of my mind. I always thought I could trust my current wife 100% and that she loved me as much as I do (I still do) her.

Anyway they are my thoughts and I think your feelings are normal, unless of course my feelings are abnormal too!

My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

Burdy — Mon, 17 Dec 2018 01:14:13 GMT

Hi 38yrold

And thank you for the update, it's nice to hear how you are going.

In answer to your questios:

1. Is perfectly normal and understandable. Anger is part of the grieving process.

2. Is also understandable, you have been through alot of emotions and events, none of which have been by your choice or control. You have been hurt and it is understandable that you would have reservations of putting yourself in a position to be hurt again. I think maybe your security and trust has copped a hit which relates to number 1.

3 and 4. Are part of moving on (which may have to do with number 2.) I think the timing in which you move on only you can answer whether you are ready to explore meeting new people.

But I don't believe you should feel guilty about it. Maybe it is a sign that you are ready to move forward.

Others may have some better insight and advice, these are just my thoughts

Keep us updated

Burdy