topic Keep on getting into bad relationships in Relationship and family issues

Keep on getting into bad relationships

w1nn1e — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 05:04:22 GMT

Unfortunately, through all my serious relationships I've been through a lot of mental stress being emotionally abused/manipulated. I seem to always attract a person that is deeply broken or suffering from severe depression because of my kind and accepting nature. But I can't do it anymore, I am trying my best to put my own happiness first instead of someone else's all the time.

I'm not saying I am perfect either, I'm just sharing my experiences of always being with someone that has anger issues and doesn't take responsibility for their actions and how it has affected my self esteem.

Thinking about what I've let myself go through causes me a lot of shame as financially I've always had to take care of everything too. So I get really sad when I see normal couples going on dates and doing nice things together as I've never really had that before.

Has anyone been through something similar where every partner you've have, has mistreated you and how do you not make the same mistake over and over again? I am trying to work on my self esteem through seeing a wonderful psychologist. Just wanted to see if anyone else has been through this too. Or any tips on building self worth would be much appreciated.

Keep on getting into bad relationships

white knight — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 05:43:19 GMT

Hi and welcome.

Great question, how do we know we have a great loyal, financially responsible future partner at hand...along with drug free, no addictions like gambling etc.

At 27yo I was in such a dilemma. So I developed a formula.

I would not pursue any dates with a lady beyond 3 dates if certain criteria wasnt met. During those 3 dates the following had to occur-

She would display love for animals particularly baby animals so a trip to an animal sanctuary was a good destination
she should offer to pay for one meal (as I'd be expecting I'd pay for 2 or 3 myself)
That compatibility was evident like values, communication etc

I was however, an eager beaver so still jumped in too quickly regardless of the success of the formula. I married a girl and it lasted 11 years. What should have been a fourth requirement was - establish if laziness was present. It became a severe issue for me as time went on with children. I ended up looking after the kids myself and hold down 3 jobs while my wife never worked. Go figure.

So it isnt foolproof but you can weed out many bad apples and not waste your time.

Computer dating is also good because you get a snapshot of the person before contact. It worked for my daughter and she married her man.

Good luck. Please dont give up.

Ps Eventually I remarried. The love of my life- yes she passed all criteria and we are happy.

TonyWK

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w1nn1e — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 07:25:29 GMT

Hi thanks TonyWK for your response and sharing your experience.

Developing a formula sounds like a good idea. I know love is supposed to be unconditional, but as you've probably experienced, some things are just unacceptable when you are looking for a serious relationship like how you mentioned laziness.

Healthiness, loyalty and financial responsibility are the main things I will look out for next time. As well as just for someone to bring some positivity into my life, not unnecessary stress as I just want to feel happy and good in a relationship for once.

I don't expect everything to be paid for me but there have been far too many times when money has been spent on drugs/gambling/younameit instead of on me or even worse when they have job and still "borrowed" money from me.

I'm really glad that things have worked out for you and you have learnt from your mistakes. That gives me a lot of hope that one day I'll find the right person.

I think I just need to think about whats best for me next time instead of trying to help the other person and getting nothing in return.

Thank you again TonyWk.

If anyone else has any advice or input please feel free to comment.

Keep on getting into bad relationships

Knicky — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 10:05:47 GMT

I dont have any advice but I will be following your post as I am in exactly that predicament.

I keep on thinking I can fix the broken wing. In the end Im the one that ends up broken, and broke right beside them!

My last 2 relationships I have been the sole provider, even when on the dole, both times I was lucky to recieve casual help with a food shop. Ive sent myself broke in the mean time, spending all my time, effort and money trying to prove that Im commited and worthy, only to be walked all over and left feeling all alone, for a person I felt was my whole world, and treated me like an option, who has other options. Meanwhile still serving breakfast in bed and trying to serve each and every need like a good girl, and being told that anyone could do those things.

My self esteem is at an all time low, life isnt getting better or easier no matter how hard I try.

I hope to read comments on this thread that show there is hope in breaking this habit of falling for and loving people that are toxic to a healthy life!

We seem to have a "type" huh! Or maybe we are just the type they see they can take advantage of?

Keep on getting into bad relationships

white knight — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 11:42:56 GMT

Hi Knicky

Yes this thread is interesting.

in the meantime google- beyondblue 30 minutes can change your life . Re self esteem

TonyWK

Keep on getting into bad relationships

Knicky — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 14:41:11 GMT

Thanks. I will.

As of just a couple of hours ago the now VERY ex, has not only physically assaulted me, and threatened my life, but given a verbal tirade of abuse meant to bring me down. Right now Im running on adrenaline and feeling just anger and hate, but tomorrow I know I will be a puddle of self esteem issues.

Apparently I'm nothing, I'm worthless, fat, ugly, have a crap personality nobody likes and thats why I have no friends. I'll never amount to anything in life and my life is sh t, because Im the biggest loser he has ever met and will live a long linely life because nobody really likes me.

Good times!

Keep on getting into bad relationships

therising — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 18:15:01 GMT

Hi w1nn1e

I ended up marrying a nice guy but before that was in a terrible habit of dating 'bad boys' (either narcissists or somewhat 'broken'). Looking back, I acknowledge it was pretty much a self-esteem thing for me personally. By the way, whenever I'd date nice guys, it would never last long because I would end things. Yes, I was a self-saboteur.

white knight offers great advice, regarding the formula. Part of the formula could cover the idea of 'Who do I want to be?' Eg. I want to be someone who's excited, respected, inspired etc. So your list then reads:

My ideal partner must be someone who offers

excitement (of the right kind)
respect
inspiration

In regard to self-esteem, I believe the master of self-esteem is an author named Nathaniel Branden. In his book 'The six pillars of self-esteem', he refers to

The practice of living consciously
The practice of self-acceptance
The practice of self-responsibility
The practice of self-assertiveness
The practice of living purposefully
The practice of personal integrity

As he says, all these take practice.

Glad to hear you have stepped foot on the path to reformation, seeing the psychologist and posting here. Goes to show your self-esteem is already growing. You've made a conscious move to change things. You've accepted the fact that you deserve better and have taken responsibility for your own growth. There is no doubt you have great personal integrity as you assert yourself in the desire for a purposeful relationship/life. Ticking all boxes w1nn1e!

Take care of your self on your path to discovering your most authentic self

Keep on getting into bad relationships

therising — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 19:13:19 GMT

Hi Knicky

Wish I could jump through my laptop and give you the most consoling and inspiring hug.

First, I would advise you pay a visit to your local police station so as to document the event/assault. Never know, you may need the documentation for future reference. I imagine this will be a somewhat fearful move but if you read the 6 pillars of self-esteem list I mentioned to w1nn1e, this might be of some help.

I think this dude who has assaulted you has pretty much covered all bases: Mind/body/spirit is a super significant triad (requiring balance) in life. He has set out to destroy your mind, your body and...well...having anything to do with him sounds like a soul-destroying experience. When the triad is not functioning in harmony, we really do feel it on so many levels. By the way, I believe physically abusive relationships don't just involve obvious physical assault. When someone is regularly assaulting our nervous system (you know that fight/flight/freeze part of us), they're impacting our body on a whole other level.

I hope you realise that this guy actually gave up his true power when he lost control of himself. In losing control of his thoughts, his words, his hands, he became powerless (despite what he may think). Please remember this, in case you decide you have been the weak one in this situation/past relationship. It takes great strength, skill and power for we humans to control our mind, our words and our actions. With 'control' defined as 'effective management' you might contemplate how you're going to effectively manage this situation. Effectively managing this situation will serve your mind (self-esteem included), body and spirit.

Remember Knicky, what this guy has said has come from a place of destruction and lies (a dark place). Always turn toward enlightenment, not darkness. As I often say to people, depression cannot survive within enlightenment for it thrives on darkness. It is the truth which thrives within enlightenment.

Take care and know that I'm thinking of you

Keep on getting into bad relationships

quirkywords — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 20:33:53 GMT

Winnie,

Thanks for this very honest and relatable thread. You have been given many helpful suggestions and support so I won’t repeat what has been written.

I just wanted to say I was. It very good at relationships and kept picking men who treated me badly as I did it think I deserved better as I had bipolar and was difficult to live with.

It took me 2 long term relationships to realise this about myself. I suppose I know I am. very flawed so I thought I needed to put up with my partners flaws.

I think when you feel confident and good about yourself , You will be attracted to a partner who has similar values.

Thanks again for your honesty and willingness to share.

Quirky

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quirkywords — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 20:42:19 GMT

Knicky,

Welcome tomthe forum.

i too want to you give you a reassuring hug and tell you those words of your ex are all about him and not you.

The rising has given you very helpful suggestions and support so I won’t repeat that.

I just wanted to say you are not alone and we are here to support you.

Knicky, you are most welcome to post here. if you want to start your own thread so you can tell your story you are welcome to do that. it is up to you.

I am a hoping you are ok.

Sending kind thoughts

Quirky

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Sophie_M — Wed, 12 Dec 2018 23:53:37 GMT

Hi Knicky,

We are so sorry to hear about all that you’ve been through in the last couple hours, it must be a very overwhelming time for you. Please know we take reports of abuse seriously and that we are concerned about you. We are here to support you as much as you need and we’d urge you to reach out for help.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000.

If you are not in immediate danger, we'd suggest reaching out to 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732/ https://www.1800respect.org.au/ ) who offer counselling and support services for people experiencing family violence and abuse.

Keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

Keep on getting into bad relationships

Woody0 — Thu, 13 Dec 2018 08:50:28 GMT

Hi W1nn1e,

is there drugs or alcohol involved? This normally is no solution to making good choices??

Keep on getting into bad relationships

w1nn1e — Tue, 18 Dec 2018 05:36:55 GMT

Hi Woody0,

Yes you are correct. Even though I myself am not an addict, I always seem to go for someone that is in some type of form! Because usually I find it easier to romantically connect with someone that is a marijuana user since I feel like they are less intimidating and easier to get along with and better sense of humour/more fun. However, I am going to try and stay clear of dating someone who is a daily drug user from now on and try to get along with clean and sober people.

Keep on getting into bad relationships

w1nn1e — Tue, 18 Dec 2018 05:41:09 GMT

Hi therising,

Thank you so much for your detailed response. That's exactly right I keep on going for bad boys that may seem fun at the start but then they take out all the reasons why they are "bad" out on me. I will start to focus on my own needs instead of lowering myself just to have some good/fun times. I may read that book about self esteem and make a mental formula list. Appreciate your kind words and encouragement.

I realise that no one/no relationship is perfect but we all deserve to be loved and respected in our relationships.

Keep on getting into bad relationships

Dotajoli — Tue, 18 Dec 2018 16:09:46 GMT

Hi I am going through similar and hope I can be of some assistance with what I have learnt...

Chances are one of our parents are a narcissist therefore it appears normal at 1st to accept this type of behavior. This is our normal and all we know.. Someone genuinely treating us nice feels "wrong".

In our quest to have honest relationships we disclose too much about our past relationships and our vulnerable spots leaving ourselves exposed to narcissist using our weak points to bring our self esteem further down. These narcissists are drawn to us because we are easy to control we will do anything to please them and be a great partner.

We are addicted to "fixing" these poor souls we believe this is showing love. We feel sorry for them because they had a "Hard life or bad marriage"

Narcissists are experts and mirroring what you are looking for in a partner why? Because in the beginning we tell them what we want and need so they sucker us in claiming you are everything their previous partner was not and you are all they have ever searched for their soul mate. Once they have you suckered in the mask comes off as they cannot keep up the facade forever and the cracks appear. We then overcompensate by trying "harder" and proving more love to them.

Truth be told these narcissists are in capable of love and therefore we feel no love in return and continue trying to prove our worthiness.They live to be adored and chased... this feeds their ego and the cycle continues. Whilst you feed their ego you are in their life once you stop feeding their ego they disguard you like trash.

Before moving on and being adored by another broken soul who treats us like royalty in the beginning and toilet paper at the end we MUST correct poor habits or behaviors we have learnt from childhood or our parents. We must unlearn those behaviors and learn and set new boundaries.

I also believe we lack self care and self esteem and therefore we seek acceptance in those around us instead of from ourselves.. We fear being alone and jump into a relationship way to quick.

If we dont value ourselves and set boundaries on what is acceptable and what is unacceptable treatment there is not another soul in the universe that will either.

I really hope I have helped and it all makes sense..

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w1nn1e — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 07:48:32 GMT

Hi Dotajoli,

Your response hit the nail right on the head! I have been fortunate enough to have two loving parents so it hasn't stemmed from that. I think it is because my very first relationship was when I was only a young teen/still a child really, was abusive and a bad situation so that is just what I have been accustomed to growing up. So that's why now as an adult I am trying to break my cycle.

That's right, if I am interested in someone I will go above and beyond for them only to get nothing in return or treated very poorly. And I stay instead of leaving because I feel "sorry" for them.

I will try my best to stay away from the narcissists as it doesn't help that I am an impressionable individual who can be swayed/manipulated easily. Which is why I am going to counselling to help me build my self esteem and self worth so that it doesn't happen again in the future.

Even the absolute basic things people look for in a partner, I've never had, such as an education or job/car/license. So I guess I've always been the "mature" one while the other lives off the dole sitting at home either being lazy or high doing nothing while I work.

But that will change now, I need someone who is an active member of society and that has emotional intelligence. I don't care if someone has had a hard life but it becomes a problem when they haven't dealt with it and take it out on me. I know I will find someone one day.

Thank you so much for your insightful response, it sounds like we have been through pretty similar situations.

Keep on getting into bad relationships

Dotajoli — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 13:30:53 GMT

Hi I am so pleased i was able to hit the nail on the head for you and assist you..The more aware we are the more reading and learning we do the easier it becomes to identify those major red flags within the first minutes hours or weeks of seeing someone from there all you need is the confidence to say "Goodbye" you are not the person for me!! With self esteem ,self care and confidence in your own decision making you shall set those boundaries as everyday habit just as simply as eating and sleeping.......You sound like you are well and truly on the path to the loving respectful relationship your kind heart deserves..You got this xx

Keep on getting into bad relationships

geoff — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 14:30:21 GMT

Hello Knicky, my thoughts are with you and I only wish that your ex hadn't been able to do any of this on you, it always worries me when I hear of any physical or emotional abuse because at that point you have no one to defend you.

I'm so sorry I'm a bit late in replying back to you.

Please take care.

Geoff.

Keep on getting into bad relationships

Celery — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 14:40:55 GMT

Hi Winnie, I want to first give you a virtual hug for being courageous in bringing your relationship problems out into the open. The behaviour you are describing is what is known as codependency. It's roots lie in the way you may have been raised. It's a pattern that you can break that takes time. Your partner is manipulative and a abuser and has worn down your confidence and self esteem. There is a book written by Melody Beattie and can be purchased online and is the most accurate account of why women choose partners who they think they can fix by enabling them . This is not your fault . I did it with three long term relationships and I ended up emotionally and financially bankrupt. I dont know how old you are but dont leave it to long to start your recovery. Please keep talking on this forum as there help here. Hugs

Keep on getting into bad relationships

geoff — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 14:43:03 GMT

Hi W1nn1e, it's awful you have had to experience all of this pain and suffering because sometimes you might meet up with someone who appears to be charming and dedicated, but once you start to live together that's when the truth comes out.

I wish you the very best.

Geoff.