topic What does everyone think????? in Relationship and family issues

What does everyone think?????

justaburden — Fri, 25 May 2018 06:08:43 GMT

He and I reconnected on FB last year. We dated over 35 years ago. Both been married , divorced, etc. Both had similar health issues and depression. We have each had some awful relationship issues which have left each of us jaded and lacking faith and trust. WE live in different cities but have caught up a few times in the last 12 months. All was progressing nice and slowly and he was ready to move across the country to be closer, but then chickened out. I then got a message to say that he felt he was no good to anyone anymore and was better off on his own and that I should move on. I thought about it for a while, but wrote to him to let him know that I thought it was his depression that was influencing his decisions and that I was not going anywhere and would still be here for him. Things went quiet for a few weeks then there was some idle chatter via messages now and then. But today I got a message from him to say that he was coming to my city to apply for a job (the one he was previously going to do to move to my city when he chickened out). I am quietly optimistic but trying to play it cool. I am keen to know what others think. I had said in my letter to him that I felt moving here would be beneficial to him as there are more opportunities for him and he has all his siblings here. He comes from a large family. In one way I am overjoyed, but trying to play it cool and not get my hopes up. What do others think?

What does everyone think?????

Juliet_84 — Fri, 25 May 2018 13:44:00 GMT

Hi justaburden,

I think you have outlined an extremely sensible approach. By playing it cool, you are allowing him enough space so that he does it on his own and doesn’t feel pressured or freak out, as that was a problem last time. It also tempers your expectations as you have been let down once before so you do need to protect your feelings also. But then you are also optimistic inside, which is also nice 🙂

What does everyone think?????

stormcloudz — Fri, 25 May 2018 14:16:00 GMT

I also think the way you are approaching it is great. You are allowing each of you to protect your hearts, but are being open and honest.

What does everyone think?????

geoff — Fri, 25 May 2018 16:42:32 GMT

Hello Justaburden, good replies by Juliet and Stormcloudz which I agree with.

I think it's good you are taking it cool but told him that you will be there for him which is laying out the 'welcome mat' to him, and it's easy to say that he is coming over because he's not actually there.

Let me explain if someone has depression and is invited to a family function 8 months in advance they are likely to say 'yes I'll come' but as the date approaches they begin to get cold feet, so in a week before the function they are trying to work out any excuse to get out of not going, and if this doesn't work, then on the day it's happening, what do they do, not go.

If his depression has been handled and gone and that's why he is applying for the job then that's terrific, but if he still has it and coming over then there maybe problems.

I hope that it works out for the two of you and keen to know how you are getting on.

Geoff.

What does everyone think?????

justaburden — Sat, 26 May 2018 08:30:51 GMT

Thank you so much Juliet_84!!!! I try to listen to my gut feeling but you never really know if we are doing the right thing or not. he is very dear to me and I want him to be free of "the black dog". he is such a good man and has had a tough time which has really shattered his trust and faith in people and relationships. I believe things and people come in to our lives for a reason. and i really feel that we were meant to cross paths again after such a long time.

What does everyone think?????

justaburden — Sat, 26 May 2018 08:40:53 GMT

Thanks geoff, he has had a false start prior where he was going to come over for the job then chickened out. so this is actually the second attempt. and this time it has been totally his own decision. I am trying to just give him plenty of space and letting him process things in his own time.

I understand it is such a huge move to make, and even more so when your mind is so erratic and causing so much doubt and fear. but in his favour is the fact he has life long friends and siblings here that can also be supportive and give him some outlets and distractions.

I am hopeful, but reserving my excitement at this stage. Dont forget he has been so down as to tell me that he was better on his own and of no use to anyone anymore. I have made it clear I am not going anywhere, but I dont want to pressure him.

At the end of the day, he is still a man with a mind of his own, even if he has doubts and fears and low self-esteem.

i am just focussing on trying to let him know I am not going anywhere and am here for him, whatever he needs.

What does everyone think?????

Juliet_84 — Sat, 26 May 2018 09:40:17 GMT

Hi justaburden,

You sound like a lovely and compassionate burden, and I hope he does appreciate that. When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is sometimes all that’s needed. It can be very reassuring to have someone there who doesn’t give up on you, and you sound like that for him. Just make sure that you’re being looked after too. I wish you all the best 🙂 xx

What does everyone think?????

justaburden — Thu, 07 Jun 2018 10:59:05 GMT

Just an update on my last post. He did in fact come and apply for the job. He had a week here, spent time catching up with siblings and a couple of friends and we spent a lot of time together. It was wonderful and he was just a different person. So happy, making plans to move over here, how we would arrange our living circumstances, talking about the future etc. I even met some of his family. He went to the interview, met all the different bosses, got the job. He passed all the medicals but failed a drug test due to a prescription medication he had taken for the flight over. He doesnt take it often, but often enough for it to still be in his system. They rang his doctor, to check and clarify things, but near the end of his stay, they wanted him to retake the drug test. It meant travelling further, and getting more paperwork from his doctor. In the end, he didnt do it. He felt they were making him jump through more and more hoops. I understand how he felt, but obviously I was heartbroken. And I think he was equally disappointed. I cant help think he was also a little ashamed at having "failed". He did everything they asked of him. So it really knocked the wind out of both of us.

So now, he has flown home saying its back to the drawing board. He has given no indication that he will have another go at a similar job to be able to move here. But in the meantime, he has had a job offer for where he is currently living.

Naturally, I am worried now that he might give up and not try again to move over here. He has also gone a bit quiet too. Even though while he was here, he was so positive and upbeat.

Any ideas of how I should handle things now? I feel quite deflated. And I think he does too, although he isnt saying too much.

What does everyone think?????

stormcloudz — Fri, 08 Jun 2018 11:55:13 GMT

Hi there

I just wanted to say thanks for posting again and letting us know how you are going.

I'm sorry it didn't end up as you hoped this time round, and just wanted to send you some comfort and support.

I'm not the best for advice on matters of the heart so hopefully wiser heads will be along soon : ) .... but in the meantime, some encouragement from me : )

What does everyone think?????

justaburden — Mon, 11 Jun 2018 09:00:47 GMT

Thank you. I guess its just one day at a time. We each suffer from depression and have both been through some very tough relationship experiences in the past. I am going through a lot of personal issues as well, but when we get together we seem to lift each other and our troubles seem to disappear. The difference is I have family and friends close by. He has no one where he lives and so he hides away and becomes a recluse. Time will tell I suppose. Thanks again for caring.

What does everyone think?????

stormcloudz — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 09:28:17 GMT

Hey, sorry to hear you are going through your own personal issues. I'm glad you have family and friends around, but if you want to talk here, feel free.

What does everyone think?????

justaburden — Wed, 13 Jun 2018 10:18:19 GMT

Hi stormcloudz

Well he did the medical for another job back where he lives. He failed the drug test again. Its a legal drug on prescription which is obviously staying in his system for a long time. But I do wonder if he is still taking it. He said it doesnt matter that he didnt get the job, but I really dont believe that. I suspect he might be feeling a bit of a failure and embarrassed, so he is being stoic by saying it doesnt matter. Again he implied that I would be better off with someone who is "normal". Again, I said I am not going anywhere, and I am there for him. I explained that he has been helpful to me even if he doesnt realise it. And again, I gently suggested that moving over here would be very beneficial to him. I am trying to give him some space and not be too overbearing. But I have also been honest with him about what I think and how I feel about him.

I also have issues that I have to address in my personal life. I have anxiety but nowhere near as sever as his depression. The difference though is I have my job, family and friends around me. He is on his own. It is a recipe for doom and gloom. He is an intelligent man and surely he can see that difference of when he was over here.

I am getting closer to sorting out my issues, but I do feel really unsure about what will become of this relationship. I go from being hopeful to wondering if things will ever work out. I can lead a horse to water......as they say.

Thank you for listening to me.

What does everyone think?????

stormcloudz — Wed, 13 Jun 2018 13:44:22 GMT

I can see why you are feeling unsure - there's a couple of confusing things there. Maybe he is conflicted about a move.