topic Negative thoughts about my Fiancee in Relationship and family issues

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Damien2812 — Tue, 03 Jul 2018 11:17:41 GMT

Hello all

About 2 months ago I feel into negative thought patterns about my fiancee. My thoughts were- Do I want to break up?, Do I want to get married?, and Do I love her? Anyone else fell into this before marriage?

Damien2812

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Quercus — Tue, 03 Jul 2018 12:33:20 GMT

Hi Damien2812 and welcome to the forums,

My gut reaction in a nutshell... You need to talk to your fiance as soon as possible.

Was I nervous? Yes. Absolutely terrified.

But was I doubting whether I loved him or whether marriage is what I wanted? No.

Marriage is a massive commitment. It isn't easy. Sometimes it is absolutely crap. If you're not sure whether this is the person you want to raise a family with or grow old with then it is time for a serious discussion.

Will she be devestated and hurt and upset... Hell yes.

But you need to decide is better to start out honest and work through this together or to bottle it up now and have to hurt her later if you decide you've made a mistake.

Whatever you decide I wish you well.

Nat

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Tess2 — Tue, 03 Jul 2018 12:51:47 GMT

Hi Damien 2812

you seem to be able to pin point when you started having these thoughts, what else was happening in your life then that may have impacted your thinking? Are there factors in your life history that might scare you about marriage?

quercus has given good advice. You need to address this with your fiancée. And have an open discussion. And be gentle with you both

tess

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Juliet_84 — Tue, 03 Jul 2018 13:50:42 GMT

Hi Damien,

If I had ever decided to get married, I believe that I would be somewhere where you are right now before getting married. The reason is that I have unrealistic expectations of that elusive soulmate, that person out there who is absolute perfection for you, who never makes you angry, never has a cross word for you, never bores you etc etc. but the fact is, that’s not real life. Your partner is, like you, human. And humans are imperfect. And I have a tendency to doubt that and whether that means we’re not meant to be. I once heard a quote that I think is a good test. Your partner is not the person you want to spend Friday night with, it’s the person you want to wake up and spend your Saturday with. I think the most important question you asked was, do you love your girlfriend? Do you see her in your future? What were the reasons that made you want to propose? There may be people out there who are more right for you, but marriage is about choosing to commit to that person every day.

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

geoff — Tue, 03 Jul 2018 17:14:00 GMT

Hi Damien, and welcome to the site.

Sometimes it's not about the person you are going to marry but coming to terms with leaving a life where you could make a decision by yourself, do what you wanted to do, dress how you like and go out at night all by yourself, but once you get engaged and plan for a wedding, then this means that the two of you will need to make a decision, agree or have an argument about what to do.

Can I ask whether these negative thoughts have become an obsession because it could make you feel anxious about your relationship, checking up on your partner, thinking whether you really love her, or does she love you, but perhaps it's not your relationship that is the problem, but these obsessions are giving you trouble, rather than a problem with your relationship.

I maybe going out on a limb here but just wondering whether you have been diagnosed with OCD then I will get back to you.

Geoff.

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Damien2812 — Tue, 03 Jul 2018 23:23:40 GMT

Well my fiancee knows what I'm going through and this started after her auntie didnt go with her promise on letting us stay for the 1st year after marriage in her granny flat. After that my partner decided to start looking for property which I wasnt ready for. So I started to not agree with that at the time. So this all started 1 week when I was stressing about learning something new at work. My stress relaxed before me and my fiancee went for the weekend to her brother in laws place. So what happen there was he told me to sell my car and buy property because I have money still owing the car. He kept ongoing on and on about buying property and my fiancee was agreeing that we should buy property. After that my fiancee told me we will have issues if you cant sort this out. Next day Monday I return to work and the thought I want to break up popped up in my mind and it just stuck and evolved from there..

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Damien2812 — Tue, 03 Jul 2018 23:44:34 GMT

I've been seeing a phycologist and he me tells do I have to know what I have? Just need to learn how to control it. Anyways how do I find out what I disorder I have? I thought Gad but not sure.

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Jigsaw9 — Wed, 04 Jul 2018 01:00:21 GMT

Damien2812

Welcome to the forums and good work on using this site as a means of help. I too have recently joined and find it to be a great means of getting advice. It seems (correct me if i'm wrong) that the underlying issue is finance. This is a common theme among many couples wanting to get married. You should discuss with your fiance your financial situation and how getting into debt will affect your immediate future. Perhaps getting a home loan is something you may wish to explore in the not too distant future. Before that however, you need to seriously ask yourself if her need for a property is what is generating these thoughts of not loving her.

Hope that makes sense and hope it helps. If you need anything we are here for you

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

geoff — Wed, 04 Jul 2018 02:15:55 GMT

Hi Damien, thanks for your reply.

The psychologist should be able to indicate what sort of disorder you have, if not then your GP would be able to tell you, so it's best for you to know so the appropriate treatment can begin.

These thoughts you are having are very strong, so we need to help you through this process.

If your psychologist is unable to tell you then perhaps you need to speak with your doctor who maybe able to refer you to someone else.

Geoff.

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Damien2812 — Wed, 04 Jul 2018 03:13:37 GMT

They are. Its caused me to lose sleep, constant heart palpitations, and some occassional sweat. Been on medication for 6 weeks now. Have some good days and bad days. Bad days generally happen when she is not with me. We have been seeing each other for around 20 months. Everything has been great up until the housing situation changed and yes was too scared to get into that. I've told her numerous occasions that I'm not ready for that but she would say the sooner the better if housing prices are low atm. My family never owed property and her family and her want property so it's been tough and I've already had some out bursts with her and it's been difficult to understand what I'm having atm. I've always had anxiety and from around my late teens got into depression. All I know is my anxiety has come from situations and not out of no where..

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Jigsaw9 — Wed, 04 Jul 2018 23:04:14 GMT

Damien

Just wanted to say that regarding house prices... it will be best to wait it out a little. I'd say at least 12 months. It is not a buyers market at the moment however it is trending towards that and gradually house prices are dropping. Just wait on purchasing at the moment and pounce when the time is right. Wish i could do more to help you. I hope you feel better soon dud. My thoughts and prayers are with you

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Damien2812 — Wed, 04 Jul 2018 23:27:05 GMT

I am feeling better and I have gave her the ultimatum now since we aren't together atm. Her family has intervened with our lifes and what they're want for what was our wedding. Parents are very old fashion and cant live together until married etc..

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Jigsaw9 — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 00:54:22 GMT

Damien

Great to see that you are feeling better. Perhaps consider renting for a while before you can commit to a purchase?

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

geoff — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 02:40:12 GMT

Hi Damien, each generation has different ideas to what their previous generation has grown up with, and I'm sure that your/her parents did things that weren't allowed, this will always be the case, the final decision has to come from the two of you.

I've done things that my parents didn't agree with, and the same has happened with my 2 sons, they're done exactly the same to my wife as well me, we didn't agree with what they did, but times change, and it won't be any different when you have children.

Geoff.

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Damien2812 — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 03:17:34 GMT

Originally her auntie gave us her granny flat for the year until we saved money and was comfortable to buy a house. Auntie forgot about that promise and my fiancee decided we should buy while houses prices are low. I told her after we couldn't get the granny flat that I wanted to rent. Told her on numerous occasions and she was stubborn because that what her parents and she want..

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Damien2812 — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 23:04:52 GMT

Finance is an issue for me but for her not so since she owns a investment property and has a good paying job. I was usually complaining about the wedding cost with her since we needed to save around $10k each. I thought that money would be better used elsewhere but for her she wanted the marriage and the family want it to. What gets me annoyed is the mum always wants her way when it comes to how the marriage is done..

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Jigsaw9 — Fri, 06 Jul 2018 00:13:25 GMT

Damien

Financial issues are a major cause of relationship breakdown. You need to have a talk with your fiancee and explain to her in a non-offensive way that it is your (yours and her) life and not that of your mother in law. I'm sure she will come to the realisation that her love for you outweighs her desire to own a house. If however this is not the case, then it is a deficiency from her end and something she needs to work on.

Many men feel intimidated when their partner is in a better financial state then they are. Do not feel this way. You have just as much value to bring to the relationship then she does.

At the moment, although prices of house are lower then they have been, they are still declining and it is not a good time to buy. Many agents will have you believe that it is a good time to buy as obviously it is better for them, however, this is not that case at the moment. You may find living in a rental property for a year will save you much more in the long run.

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Terry73 — Fri, 06 Jul 2018 04:12:28 GMT

Hi Damien,

Although the advice given here is helpful, I do seem to sense where your anxiety is coming from. What I feel you need to do is talk to your partner properly, explain to her how you feel about getting a property. Let her understand your standpoint in the situation, the whole reason for this is that way, if she fully understands and agrees with you on things, she can intervene and communicate with her family on your behalf, removing that worry from your shoulders. If finance is an issue, all you need to do is explain that it is not an impossibility of buying a property, just that you want to make sure you are secure with her financially so you can save and be in a better position, and that would only help keep the pressure of financial stability off a future with her.

Basically you just need her to fully understand what your plans are, push aside outside influence such as her family (but dont disregard it either, be respectful of course of their ways) but instead just find some sort of agreement and put a plan into effect with her that can satisfy all around. If she is truly on board with you, and can know and agree to your intentions, then she will stand up for you against her family which will help reduce the pressure, you have to remember, she speaks her family's language, something worth taking into account to help you.

The Key is to be able to work as a team, as that is what marriage becomes, team work (well one part of it) so it will only strengthen your bond with your partner,

I hope this helps

Terry

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Jigsaw9 — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 23:43:40 GMT

Damien

Just checking up to see your progress? Hope things are working out for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

Damien2812 — Mon, 09 Jul 2018 11:08:54 GMT

We have separated since we couldn't agree on things moving forward.