topic Broken-hearted Mum in Relationship and family issues

Broken-hearted Mum

Lachannie — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 01:38:43 GMT

My daughter has accused me of something I did not do and because of this has removed me from her life. This is heartbreaking for me and I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I am having trouble sleeping and it is constantly in my thoughts which is very upsetting as I don’t understand how a daughter hates her mother so much. I don’t know how to put my side forward as she won’t return my calls or reply to my messages. I should explain she has a borderline personality disorder and I have done everything over the years to support her and get her the help she needs.I have been told not to take it personal as it’s her illness making these decisions and not her but I am not so sure and I am getting tired of being the blame for all that goes wrong in her life. Family is very important to me and I have other children who also caught in the middle of this as well as my husband and grandchildren. It upsets me to even think about Christmas and that she and her family won’t attend because of this. I am looking for guidance on how I can try and resolve this if it can be resolved.

Broken-hearted Mum

HappyHelper88 — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 01:51:07 GMT

Hi Lachannie Thankyou for sharing and welcome to the forum

I am so sorry to hear this that's very tough

I suffer from borderline personality also and from my experience I can act very irrationally when im upset and blame others. I can go from one minute loving someone and the next despising them and I have been known to cut people off temporarily to cope in the past
unfortunately with BPD its hard to manage and takes several years of treatment to improve.

I understand how you feel with bpd sufferers they are very sensitive and are often triggered easily as a result of their childhood trauma
My advice is to try and show her you love her and you are there always as she the underlying causes of bpd are feelings on abandonment she needs to feel she wont be abandoned and that you will always be there
You said She wont respond but make sure she gets the message and she may take some time to reach out
Give her time

Also explain strong evidence to support that you did not do what she suspects you did
And it would be beneficial when you reconnect to find out her triggers so you can understand her better

I hope this helps

Broken-hearted Mum

Lachannie — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 02:18:44 GMT

Thankyou for your response and do you have any suggestions on how to reach out or should I just wait till she reaches out to me ?

Broken-hearted Mum

WaterFront — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 05:23:56 GMT

Hi Lachannie,

I don't have any experience with BPD though reading HappyHelper88's comments in regards to feelings of abandonment maybe you could keep messaging her even if she doesn't respond so that she knows you are there when she is ready.

Broken-hearted Mum

Learn to Fly — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 05:43:04 GMT

Hi Lachannie,

Give her some time and try again. Maybe write her a letter so in that way you can ensure you don't miss on any details that you would like to include to stress how important she is to you, how much you love her, how you never had intended to hurt her as well as your side to the story.

Maybe ask your family for guidance as to when to pick the best time to contact her again? Maybe would be good to ask one of your family members to deliver your message/letter and ensure she gets it/reads it. You might even want to talk to your family members as if you would be talking to her. You might even want to ask them to share her side of the story, however, without making anyone uncomfortable so nobody feels like he/she is betraying your daughter's trust.

It is a very delicate situation so also follow your heart and instincts as well as your daughter's cues.

Thinking of you and I hope all eventually goes well for both of you.

Broken-hearted Mum

quirkywords — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 07:34:39 GMT

Lachannie

I am sorry for what your experiencing.

Happyhelper has given an insight into BPD which I found very useful.

I have found giving time to someone with BPD is often helpful .

Broken-hearted Mum

The_Bro — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 07:46:06 GMT

Hi there Lachannie and thanks so much for your post.

You have been very eloquent in describing the unfortunate situation with your daughter, and have received some excellent guidance from Happy Helper and Learn to Fly.

What I'd like to do is recount a situation I had with my own daughter in the hope that it may help you a little bit.

When 19yrs old she became a bit of a hippy. I was a solo dad and she showed little respect for out house rules, bringing home strangers with no approval, staying away overnight without notice etc. I found it very hard to take, we argued a lot and she often accused me of behaviours I wasn't aware of.

Then a friend who happened to be a social worker suggested that I take a different approach along the following lines - it worked an absolute treat!

1. Think very carefully about your wording, then reach out to her by phone so she can hear your voice. A voice message is OK as first step if she won't take your call. Tell her you love her very much, are proud of her, want to discuss things about your own behaviour etc. Ask if you could please meet with her at a cafe or park - so its a special occasion, as she and your relationship are worth it. Keep your tone very friendly and non combative.

2. 'Own' some of the issues. Even though you may feel you have done nothing wrong at all, tell here you are sorry about some of the things you have said or done and want to make sure you know what they are so you don't do the same things again. This step is very important as it removes the blame game and she will hopefully see you as a person ready to apologise for what she thinks are your shortcomings. This meeting must be level and conciliatory as this has the best chance of bringing her issues out into the open as she will see you as receptive.

3. Repeat that you love her very much, so does all the family, and want to have a lovely relationship with her. Talk about Christmas and how lovely it would be to have her included.

With my daughter, we both cried, hugged and it was wonderful afterwards. Still the odd disagreement from time to time but even today, years afterwards, she still refers to that meeting from time to time!

I really hope this helps Lachannie, please get back to me if you want to with your thoughts, I am happy to help any time.

It is great to see the love you have for your daughter - there are issues she has, all you have to do is uncover them and listen. Hopefully the method I used with my daughter will help.

Regards, The Bro

Broken-hearted Mum

Lachannie — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 09:05:52 GMT

Thankyou

Broken-hearted Mum

Lachannie — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 09:07:08 GMT

Thankyou I will try this

Broken-hearted Mum

Lachannie — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 09:08:38 GMT

Thankyou and I think my instincts are to give her time

Broken-hearted Mum

Lachannie — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 09:11:11 GMT

Thankyou and I will be taking this all on board and giving it a go. There is some really good advice here

Broken-hearted Mum

The_Bro — Wed, 13 Oct 2021 00:05:33 GMT

Thanks Lachannie that's so nice of you.

I found it pretty hard to pluck up the courage to make this type of approach so to speak, and had to be very humble which is not my normal manner. But it worked amazingly and brought out many of her issues we had never discussed. The crucial thing is to be humble, 'own' some of the perceived problems she has with you, be totally supportive and be 100% empathetic.

Mid way through the meeting I had with my daughter it felt like a huge monkey was lifted from my shoulders.

I should say that you still have rights as her parent, so try and make that clear in a non combative manner.

All the very best! The Bro

Broken-hearted Mum

Learn to Fly — Fri, 15 Oct 2021 09:36:24 GMT

Love your response and advice The Bro. Will try to remember it when my boys get to this tricky time.
Well done.

Broken-hearted Mum

The_Bro — Sat, 16 Oct 2021 07:28:07 GMT

Thanks so much Learn to Fly!

I admit it took some time to prepare what I wanted to say, and was quite difficult to keep the meeting calm, but by being as empathetic as I could, plus lots of supportive comments, it worked a treat in the end.

Much, much better than just letting things go on as they were.

Regards, The Bro

Broken-hearted Mum

Learn to Fly — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 09:38:07 GMT

I can only imagine Bro! Whenever the kids get involved there is always so much at stake and it’s easy to get entangled in emotions that fly high and sometimes way ahead of us. As parents we want what’s absolutely best for our kids but this can mislead us as parents and make us forget that what we think it’s best for them, might not necessarily be the case and what’s even more important: might not necessarily agree with the kids. I say this, I know this, and I still catch myself repeating this mistake every now and then when challenging times come our way.

Anyhow, thanks again. Will definitely remember your post.

Broken-hearted Mum

Mk2692 — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 10:05:50 GMT

Hi Lachannie,

Thank you for reaching out and I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time. It is quite hurtful when someone you love and care for so dearly accuse you of something you didn't do. I think for your daughter, she may not realise or mean it due to her condition. I can tell that family is so important to you and that you care deeply about your daughter. I think when situations get heated, sometimes it is best to give the other person some time to cool off. Once she is in a better state and is ready to talk, then you can explain to her your side of the storey. I'm not sure if you tried to get someone else involved, like your daughter's partner if she has one or maybe if you can get a family member who can help with situation and resolve the issue. You are not to blame when things go wrong in your daughters life, try to be kind to yourself, you are doing the best that you can. We all make mistakes sometimes and all we can do is learn from them. Hope things get better for you.

Broken-hearted Mum

BlueBorder — Mon, 08 Nov 2021 12:50:00 GMT

Hi Lachannie, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. My mum has BPD and it is a constant battle. I did go and see a psychologist with her some months ago now and while I don’t have much advice on how to get your daughter to talk to you I wanted to share something she said which may be helpful. The psychologist told my mum that her brain lies to her and that she needs to believe people when they tell her she is loved and that they love her. I thought of this as you mentioned that your daughter has accused you of doing something you haven’t done and I wonder if this is her brain lying to her. I hope that this information is helpful in some way to you and that you are able to repair things with your daughter. My mother cuts me out of her life regularly so it is something that I have become accustomed to but as a parent myself I imagine that it must be so heartbreaking to have your daughter do this.

Broken-hearted Mum

HappyHelper88 — Tue, 09 Nov 2021 01:41:48 GMT

Hi Lachannie i did not see your response until now
There have been some great suggestions above on how to contact her and I believe they are all good ideas

While giving her time can be good with BPD I find that the more time someone does not contact me the more strongly I feel abandoned and that they maybe don't care about me even when they do so I wouldn't wait for her to contact you first however you may wait some time for a response but you will get one eventually

I liked the post before by The BRO that mentioned calling her and leaving a message so she can hear her voice and then if you cant get a response sending a letter with all the details in there on owning what you have done, an apology and telling her how much you love and miss her, Also let her know you will always be there waiting for her no matter what

I hope this helps 🙂