topic Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression in Relationship and family issues

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

Alove — Mon, 13 Aug 2018 20:56:14 GMT

Hi everyone,I need your advice..or opinion. Ok I’m 32 and gay...I was with my girlfriend (my 4th relationship) for a brief 3 months..but there was so much passion and love in that time.
She was explicit with me when we first starting dating she had depression and anxiety was medicated and saw a psychologist fortnightly.
To me I couldn’t tell...she was perfect! Then an incident happened with her family...basically her half sister never wanted anything to do with her all her life and her dad is an absolute asshole who told her since she could remember she ruined his life.
She has had anxiety since 16 and is now 25. She told me her triggers and how to help which was to hold her and tell her I loved her. But I would trigger her without even knowing and when she had an attack she got quite snappy towards me. I would get mad because she took it out on me and then walk away. Because I was in 3 abusive relationships before so I thought I was there again. Caitlin never hurt me though.
I walked out one night because she had broken up with me 5 times in 3wks but I don’t know how serous she ever was. The night I left she dumped me for good. But I was doing a tonne of research on anxiety and depression and was asking for another chance and she said no she needs to work on herself and not date.
Despite me begging for a week she still is mad at me...but then will text asking me to come over and if I can’t make it straight away she loses it!
She dumped me a week ago...should I give it time? Can people change with mental health issues? I feel terrible for not being supportive enough. What should I do?

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

james1 — Tue, 14 Aug 2018 06:35:21 GMT

Hello Alove,

I am sorry to hear that you have been dumped 5 times in 3 weeks. That is sooo hard to deal with.

My current partner and I broke up about 3 times over the course of a year and that was hard enough. It's tough on both people and we both just eventually said: if this is going to work, we cannot keep doing this, so what needs to change?

That talk was about 6 months ago and we have been good ever since. In our case, I am the one who sees a psychologist twice a week (damn expensive!).

I don't know where you two are as a couple, and what you should do. I just wanted to say that I think it is really really hard on you both emotionally to keep doing that. It takes two to "fix" a relationship, and it sounds like she is umming and erring about whether she wants to try and fix it.

Perhaps it is important and easier for your mental health to remember that a lot of this isn't to do with you at all. She is trying to work on herself and it might be better for her to do so on her own if she feels like a relationship may be a distraction. Again, that is nothing on you personally - she may just not feel ready.

I would probably suggest not begging - I feel like it sends the wrong message. You are deserving of someone who is ready to give back and she may not be that person just yet. Hopefully she will change and her mental state will improve, but that can take time - months, or years or even decades.

You sound like a very caring person. I hope you can stay here and talk to us and maybe even have a read of the other posts on the forums. There are many who are in similar positions where mental health has gotten in the way of a relationship. It is a real struggle emotionally, and the best support we have is each other and our friends and family.

James

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

Alove — Tue, 14 Aug 2018 19:48:21 GMT

Thank you James for your kind words.

it is emotionally difficult because I’m quite sensitive on the inside so it’s hard not to take her attacks personally.

especally when I seem to trigger them without even realising because the triggers always change.

she is being very short with me via text. Yesterday she said “ don’t wait for me ,no more chances” I feel like it’s all my fault. Had I stayed that night we may have never broken up.

i had dreams I was gonna marry this girl. We had a lot in common and she took care of me too.

should I just not contact her anymore? Give it time to breathe? Has reconciliation with Your partner been difficult? Or have they learnt how to deal with your anxiety better?

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

james1 — Tue, 14 Aug 2018 23:58:01 GMT

Hello Alove,

Yes, I can understand that. I am also quite emotionally sensitive and can often be hurt by things that perhaps aren't actually meant to be personal attacks. It is easy to treat things as our fault when they really are not.

It sounds like you're really trying to move on but you're also still caught up in a lot of those dreams. I had a 4.5 year relationship with my ex. When she broke up with me, it felt like my entire world went to pieces and I felt like I'd gone backwards 4.5 years in time. I had dreams and plans and it was sooo hard to move on when I kept bouncing around in my mind: do I contact her or not? I think the one thing we must do, regardless of whether we make contact or not, is to honestly ask: what do I need now that I am broken up?

I thought I needed my ex, but in reality, I just needed to feel loved and supported. It took a while, but the more I spoke to my friends and opened up to them, the more I learnt to accept their love and support, and I just didn't need my ex anymore.

My reconciliation was quite easy once we had the chat. She hasn't learnt to deal with my anxiety better since it's not really her job to. I've learnt to deal with it, and to speak up. She's learnt how I communicate. The majority of the individual work was really on me, but we learnt to communicate properly as all couples need to I suppose. I am not sure if that makes sense?

James

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

Alove — Wed, 15 Aug 2018 05:13:35 GMT

Hey James,that totally makes sense.

i think I would just get frustrated when she would get anxious,mainly because...I felt helpless. I mean we would be laughing and having a great time and out of no where BOOM she shuts down,becomes rude (although she was telling me she was having an attack) and I just felt like...what did I do to trigger this?

I feel like...now that she has stated I won’t get another chance my whole world is over...questions of what if I had learnt all this before hand?what if I didn’t leave that Saturday night to cool off? Why didn’t I do more research on anxiety/depression?

i feel like I don’t have closure. I know it’s been a week since we broke up so naturally you pine for the other person,I feel she either hates me or is trying to stick to just being by herself. I just want to get into her head and know what she’s thinking you know?

what was the time span between your break up to your reconciliation?

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

james1 — Thu, 16 Aug 2018 01:16:26 GMT

Hello Alove

It really sucks when that happens. I used to do that to my partner and she said the same thing - she felt helpless, confused and just generally on edge since she didn't know when I would be triggered.

I'm concerned that you feel like your whole world is over. I have been there before and it is not a good place to be. As you say, we really just torture ourselves with all these questions and it is not healthy. What if I did this or that? What is she thinking? Will she change her mind?

I don't think closure ever really happens. All that happens is we change, and we move on. There's a lot of soul searching that happens and it can be really painful.

So I'm going to answer your question about the timespan in a bit of a roundabout way because that's how it felt to me.

I think the honest answer to that is that we didn't really reconcile. We never got closure or said sorry or did any of that. We never said "let's get back together". Instead, we sat down individually and said: what needs to change and is that possible? Then we sat down together and were brutally honest with each other. As it turns out, we were on the same page: we thought our relationship sucked, we thought we had completely different communication styles, and we also thought that our personalities clashed. But since we both still wanted to be together, we had to find a way to make it work.

So for your case, certainly things could turn out well. But it takes a lot of work and a lot of honesty. We both basically put our careers on hold, and a lot of other life plans and we were telling each other off or telling each other what made us anxious on an almost daily basis for the first month or two. And even then, we didn't feel comfortable until maybe 6 months in. 8 months later, we are now trying to get our lives back on track, and we are just lucky that it did work out eventually.

I'm sorry if I sound really negative about it. If I was a friend of mine, I would've told myself: don't do it, you have to keep seeing your psych until you feel confident in yourself, then step back in to a relationship. But of course, I wouldn't and didn't listen to myself 🙂

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

james1 — Thu, 16 Aug 2018 01:31:28 GMT

Hello Alove,

I suddenly realise I may have just overreacted a bit in my last reply! I am really sorry if I misrepresented anything you were trying to say - breakups are just so hard for me (even other people's) and I can get carried away on my own feelings.

Anyway,

I am not sure if I helped or not in the last reply, but I do hope you can have a look and let me know how you feel. It is very very hard when we are in breakup mode to then go to move on mode, and we sometimes want to go back to reconcile mode.

There is nothing wrong with this and sometimes making contact can help to get through breakup mode. People will have so many different suggestions but I think you just have to do what you feel like you need to do, as long as it's respectful which, from your posts here, I am confident you are.

I hope you can take something out of my previous reply to find reassurance that your world isn't over. It feels like it is over, but in reality it is just changing, just as you are as well.

James

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

Alove — Thu, 16 Aug 2018 04:31:33 GMT

Hey James!

dont worry with what you wrote,just being able to talk to someone with an idea of breakups in relation to anxiety/depression really helps.

i know these are the ebs and flows of a break up and that my world for now seems it’s over ,but I miss her terribly.

it actually aches in my heart. I know they say the best thing to do during a break up is space...or no contact as this gives an opportunity for things to cool down and if your lucky start missing each other.

over and over in my head I’ve played out how I would react to an anxiety attack if I had another chance...and even playing it out I feel confident I could be more supportive. When you had an attack what could your girlfriend have done to help? Caitlin needed me to hold her and tell her I love her. Which seems so easy but when your on the end of there attack and they become angry...it’s very hard not to take that personally. Considering my past 3 relationships before her where abusive.

i May never get another chance,or ever see her again and that plays in my mind,or even wondering...is she with somone else? Breaking the promise she made to herself not to date while helping herself out...so if you where to put your break up in an amount of months between seeing each other and talking when would it be?

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

james1 — Thu, 16 Aug 2018 05:21:02 GMT

Hello Alove,

Yes, I can hear that you really miss Caitlin.

I am sure whoever reads my messages here is getting annoyed of me saying so, but I love this song in the musical Wicked. Have you watched it before? There is a song called, "For Good", and it basically is about loss. It is bittersweet in that, well, loss is loss, but we can always cherish what we did have and what we learnt from the person. I think of my past relationships in the same way. I had a 3 year and a 4.5 year relationship prior to this one and my gosh I have grown so much in each.

You know, when you say you feel confident you could be more supportive, I think that is something really wonderful that you can be proud of. It is so hard to be able to support someone else, particularly during an anxiety attack, and it really sounds like you were able to do that. Of course, being on the receiving side is super difficult but it is just another thing we can learn to do - how to be on the receiving end of mental illness, and not take it personally.

It is actually one of the things I am learning myself even just here on the forums. Naturally, people can get quite emotional here and sometimes we get pushed away. It's just so important to remember that most of the time, it is more a matter of how the person deals with their own issues, rather than a reflection on us as a supporter.

My current partner and I have generally been quite prompt with our break ups. I think the longest wait was about 2 or 3 weeks. We have a rule to make sure we talk within a day and it seems to work well.

I remember the breakup with my ex was so much harder. She put an indefinite "we'll talk" and it just killed me inside. I can't do that again.

Have you and your ex put any timeframes or plans about the break up?

James

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

Alove — Thu, 16 Aug 2018 09:37:52 GMT

Il check that song out ! Thanks James.

well....one day it was it’s so good to hear your voice,I love you.

2 days later she broke up with me via text. Saying her and her psychologist had agreed it’s best for her not to date. (I begged for 30mins on the phone to give me a chance and she then ended the call)

next she messaged me and said she dosent trust me and she would be stupid to be with somone who dosent love all of her just the “fun her”

the same day she was asking me to sleep over because she didn’t want to be alone,then blasted me hot and cold via text when I couldn’t make it straight away.

the next day she wanted to talk to me about dating again but again I couldn’t make it because I had booked things to keep me busy.

last I heard was Tuesday. She said “I got your letter don’t wait for me” to which I asked will I ever get another chance and she said “no”

so since then I haven’t messaged her,haven’t begged...I’ve just left it...in hopes with time she might think about getting back together

il message you when I’m feeling better.

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

james1 — Thu, 16 Aug 2018 23:58:44 GMT

Hello Alove,

Thanks for telling us about what has happened recently. I kind of had an inkling before, but what you've said has really just confirmed for me the push/pull that has been happening to you. It is so tough to deal with and I am not surprised at all that you are feeling so horrible at the moment.

Please don't feel like you need to message if you do not want to. But equally, I am here to listen to whatever you have to say. I have one friend who I am soo grateful to because, even though she was a mutual friend of me and my ex, she was there to listen to literally everything I had to say. Good or bad. And she never ever judged me.

So I just wanted to let you know that I'm here.

James

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

Alove — Fri, 17 Aug 2018 04:37:49 GMT

Thank you so much James,you make me feel like I’m not so alone in this. Although I have amazing amazing friends to get a fresh perspective is always good. And let me know if I ever ask something too personal.

so did you push/pull your ex? Is this behaviour normal for somone with anxiety?

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

LeeA18 — Fri, 17 Aug 2018 09:27:54 GMT

Alove! I know where you are coming from. My boyfriend broke up with me. He was wonderful in the relationship though but he just can’t be in one when his headspace is bad. He doesn’t want to ever be in one. He has to work on himself and all of his issues and that might take a very long time, if ever. I am upset that he can’t see that I am different to his ex’s.

Sometimes they let us free. We have to walk away to allow them to better themselves. It’s hard. Hardest thing I have been through. It’s all so new to me as well. I cry a lot. I am conflicted. I know it’s the depression but it also makes absolute sense now. The mixed messages we get makes us feel confused. They are confused too. I think the best thing is to move on. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

Alove — Fri, 17 Aug 2018 22:08:07 GMT

Hey lee!

in so sorry you are going through the same thing as me...it just bloody sucks!

we where together for 3 months but it was so much more deeper than any of my past 2yr relationships which was why I was like...oh she’s the one...she takes care of me which I never had.

now I feel I’ve lost her for good...I can’t help but replay that night where I think “you fool she asked you not to leave and you did to cool off...and now that’s ruined our relationship and caused it to be over.”

i know she has to work on herself but I constantly get worried I’ve sent her into the arms of somone else. I mean she seems to REALLY hate me so I’m just all over the place.

how long where you together?

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

LeeA18 — Sat, 18 Aug 2018 06:56:27 GMT

We were together for almost a year and were friends for a few months before that. 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades...it can be hard. I understand what you mean by it being intense. Mine was the same. I was worried that he went to someone else as well. It’s natural to think like that in these situations too. Be gentle on yourself. All these emotions are normal. I get anxiety and think obsessively over things.

I actually saw my ex today. We had a nice couple of hours together just chatting. I got mixed messages again as the goodbye wasn’t what friends do at all. It was quite intimate. So I think he still wants to be together but just knows he can’t be when he is in this headspace. But, this also means that I’ve got to focus on myself at the moment. I have to just see it as a beautiful goodbye otherwise I will get my hopes up.

I suggest, as hard as it will be, cry as much as you want, vent as much as you want. Give yourself time. There is no time limit when it comes to healing from a break up. Eventually you will be happy again. Go and try new things, enjoy life. In both of our situations, if our ex’s get better, because they clearly need to work on themselves, you never know what can happen. You also need to think whether this is something you could live with as depression/anxiety can be lifelong. It’s really hard when they are unwell and they’ll break up with you, push you away, bring you back, and repeat.

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

Alove — Sun, 19 Aug 2018 04:57:44 GMT

It’s so true!

no matter how long or brief the relationship is the impact on the heart can be damaging.

its nice you saw your ex,mine...I don’t even know if she would ever want to msg me again let alone see her face to face.

the begging I know is probably a turn off but I just felt like after talking to people,research and videos that I might be better equipt to support her but now all I think about is....is she with somone else? Is she staying true to herself and what her psychologist had agreed on to stay single?

is she missing me? Because I feel I’m going crazy. I haven’t texted her because I heard it just makes things worse. But this pain is driving me crazy!

so how long between the break up has it been since you saw each other just recently?

how did you use to cope with his anxiety? How would he treat you in an attack?

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

LeeA18 — Sun, 19 Aug 2018 05:52:22 GMT

She would be missing you but sometimes they just don’t have the energy to text or make contact. She’ll come back when she is ready. I don’t think you will want her to come back any sooner as it sounds like she really needs to work on herself before she can commit in a relationship.

my ex opened up to me more about his anxiety when we were just friends. He would talk it through and I would listen. It was never about me. He got stressed easily and can’t handle situations so it was always about someone or something else. During our relationship I never saw it. I genuinely think he was extremely happy in our relationship. I never saw any signs of his most current anxiety/depression episode until a couple of weeks before we broke up. He told me that his mind was starting to play up. He tried to talk with me so he could get through it but it just spiralled. He pushed me away. He had warned me that he withdraws. It was hard not to take it personally, as I am the one he always opened up to.

It was a month before I saw him again. He FaceTimed me a few times. I was the one that made the most contact. I just felt like I should check in on him every few days just to make sure he was ok and that he knew I still cared and loved him. I felt like I was begging him too. I started seeing a psych. Best thing I did. She told me to just do 1 thing a week for him so he knew I was still there. So I do 2 things (haha) for him and send him a text/funny pic. He sometimes responds and sometimes doesn’t. Now that I have seen him recently, I probably won’t see him for a bit again.

Does your partner do anything that calms her mind? Mine plays computer games, colours in, watched movies, fixes things, just to try and stop the thoughts. Personally I use reading and find a word to help me.

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

Alove — Mon, 20 Aug 2018 19:57:43 GMT

Hey lee sorry for the late reply.

she had messaged me on Sunday apologising for the horrible things she had said to me via text a few weeks ago.

she said because I failed to be waiting at her house at her time of need I have blown all my chances to get her back.

her dad had a heart attack scare,I said I would leave work and drive to the hospital but she said she had to go to work.

later that night she had asked me to come over because she didn’t want to be alone. I said sure just wrapping up dinner with my friends and il be over.

then she said maybe it wasn’t a good idea I come over,then...wanted me over NOW! I couldn’t just get there straight away and then I copped a massive amount of horrible messages.

yet I still begged and begged for her to still let me come over and she kept saying no.

i have begged for the last 3wks for her to give me a chance and she has said no...but randomly apologised on Sunday. She isn’t suppose to be dating which is what she agreed with her psychologist...but then...I see her on a dating app.

I am crushed,I am devistated and she won’t even give me a chance to prove to her I have grown,become more educated on anxiety and feel I can support her better.

i feel I will never be able to meet her standards...and I’m just all over the place...I can’t stop cryinf

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

LeeA18 — Mon, 20 Aug 2018 22:09:22 GMT

Hi Alove

how devastating for you. I went to my psych yesterday and she was extremely helpful. Maybe you need to go and speak to one as well. Also venting on here will help.

i just had a realisation of how selfish some people can be. We are wanting to make sure that they are happy but we forget the most important person, us. We need to be happy too. We need to be selfish and put ourselves first. If we keep going the way we are, they will be fine but we won’t be. I only realised overnight how we always did what my ex wanted to do. I met his family when he wanted me to, not when I was ready.

Sit down and write a list of qualities you want in a partner. What you truly want, not the qualities she has. Then look over it. How many of these does she currently have?

My ex was so wonderful to me in the relationship, which is one of the reasons why I am holding on. But as my psych said, I was probably acting the same to him too. Then she said to me, but he isn’t being wonderful towards you now. In fact, he doesn’t care right now. He has attachment and attraction but he isn’t showing love. This was a wake up call.

I think you deserve better. Even if the psych tells her she shouldn’t be dating, there’s going to be days where she will think that she’s all better and can do it.

Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

LeeA18 — Wed, 22 Aug 2018 04:06:16 GMT

How are you going Alove?