topic When to let go? in Relationship and family issues

When to let go?

Eddie27 — Sat, 30 Mar 2019 11:54:17 GMT

Hi all,

My partner of 12 years had become increasingly alcohol dependent over the last 3 or so years, with it increasing moreso over the last 6 months. She has a high profile/high stress job, but is also highly functioning and doesn't see it as an issue. I didn't act on it as in the past it has caused arguments, she was always a happy drunk, but would become irritating as we wouldn't be in the same head space.

To deal with her work stress, I would try and plan trips to force a 'work-life' balance. This had been working well as we could spend quality time together. However, in January of this year on holidays it wasn't the same- I could feel her stress and would let her drink as it seemed to immediately ease her conflict, but I would then become agitated in her company.

Six weeks ago, we had a major fight and she repeatedly told me I wasn't there for her when she needed me and I was very cold towards her. She was probably correct with her analysis, but I felt I never saw her with her working hours and when I did see her it was always with alcohol. She said she felt traumatized after our fight and moved out. Initially for a few days and then came back, but now its been about a month. She says she cant come back to our house as it's too emotional and she is not in love with me anymore. I feel we've neglected our relationship and both have some work to do on ourselves.

I dont have strong family or social support networks as we did absolutely everything together. My family is also interstate. She has strong family connections and has recently signed up to dating/social sites, with the intention to move on. She has also been spending more time at work social events.

I'm staying in our house, but I cant sleep, Im emotional, irrational and cant stop crying or thinking about the situation and starting to feel quite depressed. I am getting help for sleep and anxiety issues but my therapist is currently away.

I don't want to give up on our relationship, as I still love her and know that she is my soul mate. But, if she doesn't feel the same and cant come home, what do I do? Do I give her space and focus on getting myself together and continue hanging on to hope that she might come back? or do I accept that it's over and she will never come back, as she 'cant promise anything'? I feel like she is seeing someone else, but I could also be paranoid. I do feel totally alone and confused.

Thanks for listening

When to let go?

Croix — Sat, 30 Mar 2019 14:03:09 GMT

Dear Eddie27~

Welcome here to the Forum, I'm sure you are going to find many where alcohol has been a big factor in relationships.

Really there are two people, your partner who you originally met and have loved all these years, and another person who relies on drink to cope and increasingly makes decisions based on her addiction.

Although for the sake of harmony you may have let her drinking pass on occasions it does look like you have a fundamental disagreement in her method of coping. I'm not defending it, obviously dependence on alcohol is dangerous and harmful. It is an increasing addiction.

Assuming you did get back together that basic disagreement is bound to resurface and you would be back to square one.

I do not know the answer, perhaps being away from you seeing others will in time bring her to realise she has headed down the wrong track, perhaps her employment may suffer in time. A lot of 'perhapses'

One thing I might try is a letter, setting out the depth of your love and need, but also pointing out it is the alcohol that is driving the wedge between you and even leaving you behaving distant at times.

An option might be for her to seek help and for you to support more warmly. Do you think that might be an option?

Croix

When to let go?

geoff — Sat, 30 Mar 2019 16:39:32 GMT

Hi Eddie, thanks for your comment.

Alcohol may seem to be the driving wedge between the two of you, but there is a reason why she has now become addicted to it, and whether she likes to have a few drinks now and then or whether there are other reasons why, and these could include multiple issues which maybe hidden away by drinking.

As she is staying at work longer and going to social events, it's always thought that there is someone else, but at the moment it's all up to your partner, because you can try as hard as you can, but any decision has to come from her.

I know it's sad because the same thing happened to me, my wife left me when I was depressed and drinking, now your partner has made the choice to leave, she wants to drink and feel as though she can do so.

You do need to give her the space she wants, I know that's difficult for you and I'm really sorry, so can I please suggest you see your doctor, because you don't know what she is going to do and if she does return you're not sure how it will eventuate from my own experience.

If you love her being addicted to alcohol, it will be a long and excruciating road before you realise that there is absolutely nothing you can do, the decision has to come from her so the future is something you can't guarantee.

Please take care.

Geoff.

When to let go?

Eddie27 — Sun, 31 Mar 2019 00:34:14 GMT

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your reply. It means a lot and I certainly feel better posting my thoughts. She has now moved again into another place for the next month, so I guess for her coming back home is not an option.

However, I have made a time during the week with her to receive some counselling. I'm not convinced yet she will come, but if she does it will be the first opportunity for her to seek help and perhaps see things from a different lens. And for me to provide more support, rather than taking the 'you'll be alright' approach. However, the first step will be for her to acknowledge her reliance on alcohol as a coping mechanism. I'll certainly let you know the outcome of this during the week.

Thanks again

When to let go?

Eddie27 — Sun, 31 Mar 2019 00:45:25 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your post, it really does mean a lot! She has moved again and looks like there is no intention to return home in the near future, so I will just try very hard to give her the space and not be emotional and irrational. Although I feel guilt for not providing the warmth and affection that she was looking for, I also understand, which is certainly hard most days to process, that there is nothing I can do to change the situation. Today does feel like a better day though, which is good!

It's certainly hard as she is by no means an aggressive drinker, is highly functioning and can stop for several days at a time. I can see though how it shapes her thoughts, mood and has stopped us from doing active/outdoor activities together as we used to do.

Thanks again for your post and I will let you know what happens during this week.

One day at a time!

When to let go?

Eddie27 — Sun, 31 Mar 2019 04:16:00 GMT

Hi all,

Just an update to my previous posts. I've actually just seen my partner and she made it clear that she is definately not coming back home, so can't bear to be in our house nor the suburb that we live in. She is angry and goes back to our argument 6 weeks ago, reiterating the point that I was not there for her and this moment shattered her view of me and our relationship. And she most certainly is not in love with me any more. I asked her if she is seeing someone else, as it hard to make sense that this one moment could have such a chain reaction and cause our separation. She said she hasn't been drinking so much, so if this is true I guess it's a good thing and provides me with some comfort. We are still going to see someone during the week, but now I really do get the feeling that there is no hope she will come back. We don't have kids, but have 2 dogs that have been treated like kids for the last 7 years.

Although I have been feeling quite depressed of late and have at times been emotional and irrational, I've still been sending her kind messages, asking her to come back. I know there might not be an answer, but how long should I go on thinking that there is a chance she will continue to drink less and come back home?

When to let go?

Croix — Sun, 31 Mar 2019 11:04:30 GMT

Dear Eddie27~

You have made all the efforts you can and each time you've been told your ex is not wanting to return, Also that the things she talked about in that argument you had are still as real, still as hurtful for her (and you have agreed there is some justification for this) and sadly she has repeated she has no love for you.

I guess that you can take some comfort in that you have provided her an avenue to improve her life - if she should wish to take it. A parting gift might be the best way to look at it.

Beyond that all I can say is I'm a rather literal person and take people's speech at face value, they are adults after all.

If someone told me, and it was not in the heat of an argument, that they did not want a realtionship to continue then I'd take them at their word and leave it at that. If there were any resumption it would have to come from her, and frankly from your account that seems unlikely. I'd not wait hopeful of a miracle.

So if it was me I'd send no messages, no reminders, no contact I initiated myslef unless it was of a practical nature - such as the fate of dogs.

That's just me, I readily admit not everyone would feel the same or react that way, however I would try to rebuild my life, trying to fill it full of the things that gave enjoyment and satisfaction in the past. For me reading, movies, music, pets and my occupation. For you ... well you would know best.

Resuming a social life is important, even if discouraged and upset.

Perhaps a visit to your family as a beak might be in order - what do you think?

Croix

When to let go?

geoff — Sun, 31 Mar 2019 17:30:11 GMT

Hi Eddie, it's really nice that you're sending her lovely messages, I did that to my wife but it made no difference, she also didn't want to come home, she didn't like the country city we live in nor the people, so I knew it was no good trying because once she made up her mind, that was it.

Whether she turns up when you go and see someone is questionable, and I say this because she may feel as though all that will be discussed is her drinking and she may not like this.

We also went to a marriage counsellor when I manager of a hotel, and all that was said was about my drinking and not having the time to see her and our 2 sons, so it made me cringe, until she mentioned that I was assaulted and had a head injury, then the conversation suddenly changed.

Take care.

Geoff.

When to let go?

Eddie27 — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 07:30:53 GMT

Thank you Croix for your reply - it is greatly appreciated. I did have a better week last week. I was able to sleep a little bit more and much more productive, certainly not so down. However, I have had the dogs with me - it's amazing how much pets can do!

During the week we went to counselling, the issue with alcohol never got raised. However, it was still a worthwhile session - with another coming this week. She had the option to end the relationship and have the counsellor work with us on strategies to move forward, but she didn't want this. So, I guess that tiny bit of hope flickered with in me. We have another session this coming week, but since then has again changed her position - to I'm never coming back and I don't want to lie to you. Again I feel confused and I asked her if she is seeing someone else as it sounds like she has moved on and I she told me I have no compassion for suggesting she had moved on. Still angry and relating anything I say back to our initial argument.

I know that I'm torturing myself by thinking that there is any hope and in the state of mind she's currently in, she's very angry, negative and unsure of reality. We share everything - bank accounts, house, phone etc so I know it's important to separate this as soon as possible. I do want to keep the house and our dogs, but I can't see this happening. Does anyone have any strategies on how they've done this before. I have had legal advice, so I'm not so worried about the finances, moreso the logistics of when and how to do so.

Thank you again, it is much appreciated.

When to let go?

Croix — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 10:26:57 GMT

Dear Eddie27~

That flicker of hope is well, I don't' know if that is good or bad -good I hope for your sake, false hope is a horrible thing.

A couple of times in you posts I've had a feeling that your partner is not so much reacting to you as to something inside herself or her other life. These are a couple of actual physical locations I'll never go to, and maybe it might be something like that has a bearing.

I'm not saying your actions have had nothing to do with it but it does seem like she has expected support about something, and felt she has not received it.

So I guess you see where counseling goes. I really hope it establishes some sort of breakthrough.

Croix

When to let go?

Eddie27 — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 08:52:17 GMT

Hi Croix,

I think it's false hope really. And I think you are right, I truly believe there is more to it than this one bad day. think I'm still so shocked that an argument I thought as relatively small (well it wasn't really an argument - she was not feeling good and I wasn't there) but this would often happen when she would become stressed with work + alcohol, so I didn't think of it as any worse than any other time. I think she's found a way to get out of the relationship really and is using that one time as an escape. I 100% agree that I wasn't there during the moment she needed me, but I've been there every other time and it really did become difficult when I felt so excluded when it came to her work and family. I think tomorrow's counselling will bring me some realisation that closure is the only way to move forward.

When to let go?

Croix — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 09:34:48 GMT

Dear Eddie27~

While I have to admit things do not look that hopeful I also think that you are partly in the dark as to how your partner has felt and you may be making assumptions. Perhaps the counseling might bring some of that out.

Please let us know how you go.

Croix

When to let go?

Eddie27 — Tue, 09 Apr 2019 12:22:44 GMT

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your reply, it is always greatly appreciated. So, it is over. The counselling session clarified that. It's amazing how it's now regressed to the fact that I didn't show any affection for years.. As the days have gone by, in her mind the last 12 years have been the worst! That we should have gone to counselling years ago and it has been so bad for so long? I truly find this hard to believe as I never had a chance to show her affection as she would be at work all the time. In the session she just had such a focus on anything she could think of that she didn't like about us/me and yet these things were so minor at the time, that neither one of us considered it to be an issue. She sat there and nodded her head, when the counsellor said that as she was the one that left then she had already moved on. Although I knew it was coming, I feel utterly devastated to know that it is for real. I still can't believe that she is saying now that her stress was coming from our relationship not her work - I had absolutely no signs of this other than her increase in alcohol use at home. Should I have picked up that being at home was the issue and that drinking was the only way to deal with me? I still don't believe this and she's found something to justify her unhappiness with.

I will separate finances and all our accounts as soon as possible, I think the faster this is done the better. Our dogs are treated like children, so I'm not sure how this will work out as I don't want to lose them - they are so important to me and give me some structure and purpose. Any strategies on how to make the separation process as easy possible would be appreciated.

Thank you again

When to let go?

Croix — Tue, 09 Apr 2019 13:11:08 GMT

Dear Eddie27~

I'm sorry. A huge blow to you and leaves you very lost. I know you family is interstate, however if it is possible to lean on them in any way for support please do so, now is not the time to try all on your own.

The reasons people give for their conduct and relationship breakdown are not always correct. Even when it may appear so to them their thinking may not be clear. There could easily be a temptation to blame yourself seeing it is the relationship itself that she said she could not cope with. It may simply be she has changed.

I'll mention in passing that Relationships Australia (1300 364 277 ) has a post-separation service that should be able to give you advice on what to do and the possible pitfalls.

What do you think you should do about the dogs? They mean a lot to you.

I think the idea of sorting out the finances quickly is a good idea. Please let us know how you go, you are not alone

Croix

When to let go?

paul_t — Tue, 09 Apr 2019 13:25:43 GMT

i really want to go,i have horrible health and deep pressure,is anyone can help me out?

When to let go?

geoff — Tue, 09 Apr 2019 17:10:29 GMT

Hi Paul tu, thanks for asking us and we want to help you, are you able to start a thread of your own, otherwise this comment could be lost, but it sounds as though you really need help.

If you click on 'All Posts' there are different sections you can choose, and at the top right it will say something like 'Start a New Thread', click on that then you can copy and paste your comment onto the space provided and it will appear, I think this would be a great idea.

Hi Eddie, I'm sorry for what's happened but Croix makes a good point when he said 'the reasons people give for their conduct and relationship breakdown are not always correct', how true this is, especially if that's what they have decided to do.

You don't know and can't be sure that she drank to deal with you and you can't believe it when she says her drinking has stopped or drastically been reduced because a drinker you can't trust what they say.

The question is how does someone show their affection, it changes throughout the marriage/relationship, what you used to do and what they liked once before may change, but you might not realise this, and this could the reason why this has been said.

The trouble is you believe you are doing everything right, so this is when confusions begin.

There could be many reasons why she started drinking, which is something she will keep to herself.

Geoff.

When to let go?

Eddie27 — Wed, 10 Apr 2019 08:39:58 GMT

Hi Croix and Geoff,

Thank you so much for your replies it means a lot. This space in here has been incredibly comforting. Unfortunately Croix I am not close with my family, but I will be heading back there in May. My brother though is always happy to listen. I have a session next week (just me) with the counsellor - she has previously worked with Relationships Australia so I'm hoping to discuss with her what to do next.. I will also check out the Relationships Australia service.

Thanks again and I'm sure I will be in touch again. Your time means the absolute world.

When to let go?

Croix — Wed, 10 Apr 2019 11:18:44 GMT

Dear Eddie27~

At least you are not alone here. Going to the counselor is good, and if you can split things, wiht her looking after your emotional well-being (as much as possible under the circumstances) and RA advising on the steps to take then at least you will not feel as lost.

I'm glad your brother is there, remember even if you aren't physically close a phone call or Skype can make a huge difference. I had that situation with a family member who lived far away, and was later told those calls made all the difference -even if I did feel powerless at the time

Croix

When to let go?

Eddie27 — Thu, 11 Apr 2019 11:14:44 GMT

Thank you Croix, your replies mean the world. I really do take comfort in reading them. I will certainly let you know how things go. At the moment I have my dogs and it really is amazing how much of a difference they also make to the way I feel. I'm going overseas around Easter for a week, which gives her a chance to come and collect her things. That will be an interesting time when I come back as I suspect there will be not a lot left. And then I will look to sell the house. I do love this house, so I am sad and nervous about selling and having to rent. I've been a home owner for a very very long time, so not having an asset per se feels like a failure of sorts on my part. Anyway, thanks again for your time - it is truly appreciated.

When to let go?

Eddie27 — Fri, 19 Apr 2019 11:36:13 GMT

Hi,

I'm about to head off overseas for a week tomorrow and I thought the trip would give me a sense of calm and distance, but I've had a really bad day today. The week leading up to today wasn't too bad, at times I felt relatively strong - the ache was still there but a little better, however today feels like I've gone a number of steps backward. I think because she came to pick up the dogs today, I deliberately didn't see her because I thought that would have made it easier, but when I came back the dogs were gone and other bits and pieces around the house were too. I felt a real sense of sadness and numbness and feel like I've gone backwards - I guess this is normal. But, I'm really anxious now of what will happen when I return. She's been planning this week as a time to come and get her remaining things, but it really set me off today. Anyway, I guess it's how grief works, there is no linear trajectory and some days are better than others, but today is a bad one and will certainly be interesting when I return.