topic Sudden breakup in Relationship and family issues

Sudden breakup

Romy — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 07:51:55 GMT

Hey all,

My boyfriend of 7 months just suddenly broke up with me. It was a total shock to not only me, but also my family and friends, and his family. Our relationship was amazing, we had so much fun together, we respected each other, we cared for each other and we loved each other so much. He recently has finished university, and has no job and no money. He called me saying he was worried about a trip we were going on coming up, because he had no money and felt like he would have a bad time. I reassured him that it was only a 2 night trip and I had money saved up. Anyway, the same night he called me again, I thought in regards to our trip... he broke up with me. We live an hour and a half away from each other which is why it was over a phone call. A couple of days later he saw me in person to talk about it. He states that he doesn't feel as strongly about me as he once did, he loves me and cares about me, but not enough for a relationship, he thinks the spark is gone. I told him that after 7 months, the spark does diminish. We are comfortable with each other now, we enjoy each other's company and we love each other - the honeymoon phase is over and that's ok. Anyway - his mind was made up and it was over. We ended it on good terms, I told him I wasn't mad at him, but he knows that I am really struggling with the breakup. His mum has since made contact with my mum - she has said that she has no idea why he has done this. She said that he has been so happy since meeting me (and I'm his first girlfriend), and she agrees that he is panicking about his future and not thinking clearly. She hopes for my sake that he will change his mind and realise he does want to be with me. I am devastated, but after hearing that, I have been given hope that we may end up together one day. But, this makes me sad at the same time, because I don't want to live in false hope if it may never happen.

Sudden breakup

Coffeelover1 — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 01:07:39 GMT

Hey Romy I didn’t do uni but I know when I finished school I felt like I was falling off the edge of a cliff into the unknown , I’d say your boyfriend has a lot going on in his head, worries about his future & getting a job.This might be distracting him from enjoying his time with you. Talk to him & let him know life’s full of ups & downs & your there for him ,ups & downs, once he has a good job & is happy in himself maybe he will come back to you.

Sudden breakup

quirkywords — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 01:45:37 GMT

Romy,

Relationship break ups are very emotional difficult whether you are the one breaking up or the person breaking up. I am sorry you are feeling unsure and are struggling.

When it seems to come out of the blue the breakup can leave you confused, having self doubts and very upset.

Had your boyfriend expressed how he was worried about no job and no money before saying he was worried about the trip?

Are you at uni or do you have a job?

Sometimes when people worry about things they find it hard to tell others even their loved ones.

It is helpful that your mother and his mother are communicating.

Sometimes this can be confusing as while mothers often know what their children are feeling, as the children grow up, that might not be aware of their emotional state.

I am glad you had a chance to see each other in person. I am pleased you are on good terms.

It is always good to have hope as long as it is a reasonable hope.

So does he want no contact with you for a while , or has he indicated you could have contact as friends but not being in a relationship?

Only you can decide to what he wants to do. Some people do need space and if they are pressured then they close down all together.

Some people after a breakup want to be friends but then this can get confusing and sends off mixed messages.

If you decide you may end up together one day, does that mean you will wait indefinitely and not meet other people or will you just see what happens.

Thanks for sharing your story

Quirky

Sudden breakup

SamSJ2018 — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 01:49:17 GMT

Sending you a huge hug and positive vibes.

Sudden breakup

Romy — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 01:59:19 GMT

He did express his worries before he said he was worried about the trip.

I am at uni - I also work.

He has not said what kind of contact he wants, however has said we can still be friends - which I laughed at. I have decided that I need to not contact him for awhile - I need to try to focus on myself, because he has broken me and I am in a terrible state. I do not know what I'm supposed to do in regards to future relationships.

Sudden breakup

Tess2 — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 02:10:25 GMT

Hi Romy,

just rest up, be kind to yourself. You are not broken. This was his decision. Recover from this loss before you think about future relationships and don’t judge them on what happened here. If he thinks the spark has gone after seven months it is his issue.

Other people will not be like him.

i am sorry you have been hurt

tess

Sudden breakup

quirkywords — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 02:36:47 GMT

Romy

Thanks for your reply.

I think focusing on yourself and being kind to yourself is a good idea.

There is no rush or pressure.

You need to properly grieve the loss of this relationship that you had so many hopes for.

I am sorry you are in so much pain.

It sounds like you have supportive family.

Quirky

Sudden breakup

Romy — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 05:52:18 GMT

Is it wrong to go on with my life whilst still having hope that one day we will end up together? I just feel so strongly that this isn't over for us. I know holding onto hope will just delay by recovery from the breakup, but what if we do have a chance in the future?

Sudden breakup

quirkywords — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 06:11:58 GMT

Romy

Life can be unpredictable.

i know a woman whose teenage romance was broken up by her boyfriends mother and they both went on to marry other people. My friend married and when it was over and she was in her 50s and she went looking for her former boyfriend . They met up an married a a year later.

She always felt that they should be together.

I think there is a difference between hoping to one day meet up again with a former love, and deciding if you can’t have your former love you will never be involved with another person.

I also know people who vow they will never find another love and then when they least expect it , find someone and dont think about their former love.

life is full of surprises sadness and choices.

you are grieving and hurting now, so it is not a time for big decisions.

Quirky

Sudden breakup

Romy — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 06:50:28 GMT

I'm reading a break up book that says you need to go at least 50 days cold turkey - no communication with your ex in any form, in order to heal. Today is day 1 for me. I've decided that, if after 50 days, he is wanting to come back, at least I have used that time to recover, and I can make a proper decision of what I want. But, if after 50 days, he doesn't come back to me, at least I have healed and it won't hurt as much as it does now. You know when you just have that gut feeling that it's not over?

Sudden breakup

LeeA18 — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 08:34:25 GMT

Romy,

I agree with no contact immediately after a break up.

My boyfriend broke up with me suddenly. He was spiralling before this though. We didn’t go no contact and tried to be friends straight away and there were so many mixed messages and I just got more and more confused. He has since retreated even further and we are no longer talking. I wish I had given him more space.

I don’t believe you can put a time on no contact. It’s just when you feel like you have healed. I went no contact for 6 weeks and it was around week 4 that my anxiety and depression started to lift. It isn’t easy. I miss him every day. However, it is so extremely important for your recovery. I have decided not to go back into a relationship with him if he came back but my door is always open to him for a friendship if he wants that.

Sudden breakup

Romy — Wed, 28 Nov 2018 05:52:32 GMT

I don't know how to get on with my life. It's only been 5 days but I have not gone a day without crying. I don't know how I'm supposed to go to work and be happy.

Sudden breakup

LeeA18 — Wed, 28 Nov 2018 06:20:56 GMT

It’s very hard at first. Push through it. I cried a lot and felt like a zombie. If you contact him, you’ll just go back to square 1. You’ve probably healed more than you realise right now.

well done on 5 days. That’s fantastic!!

Sudden breakup

lost6 — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 01:42:13 GMT

Hi Romy,

i just wanted to provide a bit of support. I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough situation. Breakups literally feel like your heart is broken and that you can’t imagine a life without them.

I got complexly blindsided by my partner of almost a year. He has a lot of mental health issues and problems from his past relationship that he brought into our relationship. The first two weeks after the breakup I told him I’d wait for him to sort out his issues. I honestly couldn’t imagine life without him. I was lucky to have very supportive family and friends however who made me see that this is not how you treat someone. If you truly love someone (my ex told me I was his soulmate the day before we broke up) you don’t walk out of their life, you don’t leave for weeks or months alone to work through problems and you don’t risk losing the person you love. We deserve people that love us unconditionally in return and who will fight for us. They don’t deserve months alone to come crawling back into a relationship again. What is stopping them doing this again in one year, 3 years or 10 years when you have a house and kids? they can easily walk out then too. I told my ex that am not open to a friendship or him in my life. The trust is completely broken. I may sound strong but I cried everyday for 4 weeks, but eventually the crying got less, then it became just a few tears and now, 3 months on, a sad feeling when I see photos of us. I aim one day to be completely indifferent when his name is mentioned.

i hope this gave you some strength. Never forget your worth and how you treated them verse how they treated you. A relationship can’t last if one person is more invested than the other and, unfortunately in our case, that’s what it is.

Treat yourself kindly. Order ubereats, watch legally blonde and eat chocolate for lunch if you want.

Seinh a big hug

Sudden breakup

mpatt — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 02:51:55 GMT

Hi Romy
There's nothing worse than getting your heart broken, the heartache and tears that come from a relationship is extremely hard. I also have recently had mine broken. Firstly you need to look after yourself, you'll have good and bad days.
I found writing a journal helped me, just writing whatever came to my mind about the relationship. It could help you to understand what you might want. It might be an idea to know what you will do if he does contact you, if you know the answer write it down, because your emotions might take over, you could be in a good frame of mind after weeks/months and go back to square one.
There could be some underlying factors which he could be worried or scared to tell you so he's natural defense mechanism is to sabotage those closet around him. At the end of the day no one really knows what someone is going through. Sometimes the ones we do think we will spend the rest of life with, are the ones who hurt us the most.
I keep getting reminded that a relationship is a contribution from both people, if one person is putting in more effort than the other it can slowly cause cracks in the relationship. Don't let anyone take you for granted, no one deserves second best treatment.
We're all here for you

Sudden breakup

Romy — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 04:12:27 GMT

I saw my doctor today who told me a similar thing, and I'm really seeing things in a different light now. I've come to realise that even though this guy is the love of my life and we had a fantastic relationship, that does not mean I should go chasing him and begging him to reconsider. It is his first relationship, so I must give him the benefit of the doubt - he may be confused about his feelings and what this is all meant to feel like. However, if there were ever a chance of us getting back together, he would need to be the one to come to me. If this were to happen, I would also need to have a serious discussion with him in regards to what's changed and how we need to communicate better. At this stage I am not contacting him, and don't plan to do so until I am healed. I am focusing on myself as my anxiety has really spiked and I am struggling eating. I need my energy and mojo back.

Sudden breakup

mpatt — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 07:23:32 GMT

I know exactly how you must feel with your anxiety, mine has been really bad in the past two weeks. If you're finding it hard to eat, make sure whatever you eat is high in calories. My appetite has been minimal also.

You're strong staying to your guns and no contact, as that can be challenging. Ending on good terms, leaves the door open to continue it on at a later date if that is what you desire. Time will only tell.

Maybe write down those questions you would want to ask and keep adding to it so no stone is left unturned if this scenario was to play out.

Sudden breakup

LeeA18 — Thu, 06 Dec 2018 05:32:47 GMT

Good to read that you won’t be contacting him at this stage.

My ex has retreated further. Distancing himself from our mutual friends now. I know that I did everything I could to maintain a friendship. Just remember that you did everything you could do as well. We can’t fix them. We can only look after ourselves.

Sudden breakup

LauraRH — Thu, 06 Dec 2018 23:16:02 GMT

Hi Romy,

I've been in your shoes, and boy it hurts! i just wanted to reach out to you to say it does get better, time passes and people can heal. Maybe you will get back with him, maybe you won't, and maybe, just maybe... YOU won't want to. Take each day as it comes and look after yourself. I too struggle to eat when I'm anxious. It sounds like this breakup came as a shock, give yourself time and space from him to readjust to this new normal. I remember when this happened to me I floated through life for a while, revisiting the past, wondering what I could have done differently, it's exhausting. People also said to me 'focus on yourself', which is hard to do when for a while 'you' has always been 'part of 2'! It's hard to see a future when you're hurting, especially when the future you'd like the most includes this person. When people said to me 'if it's meant to be, it's meant to be' I found it laughable, but over time I realised if you take care of yourself as best you can, and don't try to force life, it's actually kinda true! (If you're wondering how my story ends, he did come back eventually, but it was too late, I'd moved on and was happy!) Some stories do have happy endings, they just might not be the one you initially imagined. Sending you a hug. x

Sudden breakup

Romy — Fri, 07 Dec 2018 02:20:05 GMT

Hi Laura,

The breakup was a HUGE shock. Things were going so, so well, I didn't see it coming at all. The hard part for me is trying to not focus on what he's doing. I'm always looking at his social media and it makes it so much worse but I can't stop myself. I've come to the realisation today that, if this is how I am feeling right now - then maybe he wasn't meant to be. I know he has not intentionally hurt me, but at the end of the day, the right person for me is not somebody who is going to have this kind of effect on me. I'm trying to hard to take care of myself but it's really getting hard. Work isn't going well because I go there and I still think about him, so I'm not working at my best - my manager is really great though. My medication has been increased but that hasn't helped. I will be regularly seeing my psychologist. Thank you for your message of hope! It does make me feel slightly better to know other people have been through this and there is light at the end of the tunnel.